Do you blame your parents for not pushing you?
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Anonymous
| Parents can take the ACE classes too so you could take them together if you want. Could be a fun bonding experience. |
Anonymous
| I wouldn't say blame, but I do wish that my mom (also a divorced parent) would have taken a bit more interest in my high school years. She had just discovered dating and while I enjoyed having tons of freedom, I think I would have been better off with more structure. |
Anonymous
| From another perspective: I totally blew off my senior year, didn't take college apps seriously, ended up at a shit liberal arts college which was fun for a year, BUT! I was bored and felt like I was going nowhere. Transferred to state school, went on to get a phd. My parents NEVER pushed me. They were busy raising my younger sibs and felt we had to find our own paths. So maybe you need to let her sort it out... |
Anonymous
| my parents didn't push - and it was wonderful. I would say they had high expectations, but they had nothing of themselves invested in our success. My life was mine. They didn't pay attention to what classes I took or how I did - perhaps they looked at my report cards sometimes. Managed a 3.0 in high school (in the days before weightings)with little effort and then went on to the big state U college where I took 5 years to graduate though my grades were much better than high school. Parents never once asked how I did in college. Went on to get a ph.d. I worry that I will push to much and that my children will feel they need to please us with their own performance. |
Anonymous
I agree with the therapy. What happened in 8th grade? Did something traumatize her? In terms of boundaries, I agree that you should set a GPA requirement and then give her more freedom. But what does she want to do instead of the foreign language, music, etc? Other interests are ok, but sitting at home or "hanging out" is not something you should encourage. I also agree this is not about you. You should be thinking about how you can help your daughter succeed. You do see that to a point, but really try to make it hte center of your perspective. Your daughter needs your help to be the best person she can be. |
Anonymous
Agree with this. The same thing happened to me. I was a straight A student and when middle school hit, my grades dropped like a rock. There were a lot of things going on in my life. I felt insecure about my ability to achieve, there was peer pressure, and an overall under-achievement culture at my school. But I was able to turn things around by sophomore year and went on to 4-year university. There might be something going on in your child's life that you don't know about. You should investigate and take it seriously. |
Anonymous
OP here. I have put off dating and most of a social life for myself because I don't want to be distracted and I want to focus on her, which is what I have been trying to do. It just seems like she wants me around in every other aspect of her life except anything academic related. |
Anonymous
OP here. Nothing traumatic happened at home. As far as I remember nothing major happened at school either. I do remember a time when we were having a heated discussion about her grades and her performance and she started crying and said " I refuse to be one of those girls that cry in class when they receive a poor grade and I'm not going to spend all my time studying to get A's!" It appears that there was a lot of pressure during that time as classmates tried to get into private schools and other selective HS, and it was at that point where she decided she was not going to be "that girl". So instead she because a student that tried to balance academics and fun. |
Anonymous
You need to step back. She is almost cooked, so to speak. She needs to learn to sink or swim on her own. PLUS you have set up a situation where your happiness seems to depend on her success. Not only is it unhealthy for you (by all means, date!) but it isn't good for her, either. The pressure to keep you happy isn't fair for a child. You should do some therapy for yourself, but if you can't manage that read up on some parenting books: http://www.amazon.com/The-Blessing-Minus-Teachings-Resilient-ebook/dp/B003UYUON6/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1 http://www.amazon.com/How-Children-Succeed-Curiosity-Character/dp/0544104404 |
Anonymous
| 16:43 gave you some good advice. I agree--back off. One caveat: tell her that you trust her to do her best. When she brings home a paper--ask her if it is her best work. Let her decide. |
Anonymous
| cont. The most important thing for her right now is to know that she can come to you when necessary. Give her some choices. |
Anonymous
| OP~ since it's foreign language and music, I have a unique recommendation. Let her quit. You really shouldn't make someone take music lessons if it's causing them unhappiness. Foreign language she needs for college - counting backwards if she completes HS level 3 as a senior, she needs to complete level 1 as a 10th graders. Let her stop if that is her decision. She'll have to pick it up again, same or different language, but for now, I'd let this be her decision. I don't know what her academic capabilities are but she could finish HS with only 2 years and still go to many colleges. And she could take foreign language P/F. Regardless of the specifics, at this age if there is a class she absolutely dreads, it is probably bringing everything down. Not worth it. |
Anonymous
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oops ^ you said she's a junior.
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Anonymous
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I suspect this latest thing is her way of saying you've been pushing too hard.
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Anonymous
| I had parents who pushed me a lot and had me do a lot of extracurricular and opportunities to get me into a good college. Husband had parents who did not push him a lot, although his mom did help him when he asked. We ultimately ended up at the same college (he did transfer from a less prestigious college), and are in careers with similar salaries. I think we both envy each other's childhoods a little but I don't think we'd really regret anything about it. |