Do you blame your parents for not pushing you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay. Start from now. Pick one thing at a time to work on--and try to build a relationship with her. School is out. Try to find something to do that you can do together--a hobby-even a tv show that you can enjoy together. Try to magnify the good.

Thanks PP. I have started sitting with her while watching a dance show. She is a dancer so we enjoy that. It's a start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. It sounds like your daughter does not respond to pushing. How about rewards?

OP here. Funny thing, I tried rewards, and it completely backfired. I told her that I would give her $100 for every A on her report card. She got upset and said "the only reason I was offering such a huge reward was because I didn't believe she could do it". Sigh... I told her that it was exactly the opposite. I DID believe she could do it and wanted to give her a reward. She didn't get an A's.

I've read that rewards don't work because the kid needs to have internal, not external, motivation. Punishment doesn't really work either, because the kid associates grades with negative things not positive things. Which leaves us where, exactly, asks this frustrated parent. How do you instill internal motivation?

One thing you could do, since she's in high school, is get her to start thinking about her future. Where does she want to be in 10 years? If she's interested in college, ask her where she sees herself - big college? small college? City vs. rural? What does she want to study? Buy her the Fiske Guide and show her what it takes to get into some of the places she seems interested in. It sounds like she might have fairly limited choices and would maybe need to start at a community college and then transfer, so you need to tread carefully here so she doesn't give up.

Also, a waitressing or similar job is great for teaching kids the value of a college education.

And, instill some rules. At 7:00 on school nights, she gives you the phone and starts studying. Maybe she gets some phone breaks for 10 minutes at 8:00 and 9:00. But she doesn't get the phone back, even if she's done. (Ask me why - otherwise, DS rushes through homework to get his phone back.)

[Anonymous]

14:44 here again. Carol Dweck has a good book about internal motivation.