Do you blame your parents for not pushing you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would try family therapy--something changed in 8th grade. You probably shouldn't push so hard, and she's probably reacting to that. You need to see your daughter as her own person and not just a reflection of you.

OP here. Nothing traumatic happened at home. As far as I remember nothing major happened at school either. I do remember a time when we were having a heated discussion about her grades and her performance and she started crying and said " I refuse to be one of those girls that cry in class when they receive a poor grade and I'm not going to spend all my time studying to get A's!" It appears that there was a lot of pressure during that time as classmates tried to get into private schools and other selective HS, and it was at that point where she decided she was not going to be "that girl". So instead she because a student that tried to balance academics and fun.

I think it's fine to level with her say that based on what her plans are for college, she still needs to have a GPA of x.xx and have certain distribution requirements, (Including the dreaded language requirements) and that sort of grades/scores she can expect to get into some colleges and not others. You can point out that someday she might regret not setting her sights higher but if she's made up her mind, so be it. There's a reason why Ivy Leagues have a 9-15% acceptance rate, and that's the people who even wanted to go to those kinds of schools.

[Anonymous]

Yes I blame them but at the same time I understand that my parents were too busy trying to make money. We lived pay check to pay check. The fact that they were able to send all their children to college without taking any loans was a miracle . However I never had a solid foundation and ended up not doing very well at college.

[Anonymous]

This is tricky. I also agree that it seems like something happened, so I'd also think about counseling.

That said, I also wanted to quit taking Spanish, something I hated and instead take 2 years of Latin. My parents wouldn't let me and made me keep taking Spanish. I never enjoyed it but it served me well when I wanted to get away from college and do study abroad programs, and then later in life in work.

I was always a very good student, self-motivated. I think the 8th, 9th, 10th grades are hard emotionally. But, she could be pushing back if she feels you're pushing too much. If she has the ability to do the work, it could be that you're anxious about her having a future and are just trying too much.

If she doesn't enjoy the music, let that go.

Community service.....well, there is something to keeping with that too in my mind.

But, I'd be open to the others' suggestions of giving her some flexibility IF she keeps her other grades up. My mom used to let me take days off of school just because I felt I needed a break. Those were great - and sometimes necessary for my psyche.

Also, one thing that I wish my parents did better? I was always super-motivated, so it wasn't PUSHING that I needed, it was GUIDING. They pretty much figured that since I was moving ahead on my own that I knew what I was doing. I wish they had guided me more about some choices I made, but they didn't.

But, that said, I'm pretty happy now.

PS - my acting out was with boys/boyfriends and all stuff they didn't know. Perhaps if it doesn't show up in one place, it will in another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's too early to claim she has no work ethic. I think she's pushing back on boundaries - ones which you emphasize thew most.

First, reread your post- it seems like this is all about you. How you have sacrificed, and how you are depressed and worry that she's blame YOU later. But it's not about you; it's about her and her future.

Second, she's getting to an age where all your pushing isn't going to do much good anyway. She can make her own choices about how much she studies, etc.

In your shoes I would take some time to decide a few baseline expectations (A 3.5 GPA, one extra curricular, whatever), explain them to her and what the consequences will be for achieving or not achieving them will be. Then I'd let the rest be up to her. DO NOT get on her about homework on a daily basis or the results of her test.

I'd let her drop the language and drop music if she hates it. There's no point if making her do it if she's dug her heels in.

Wow! Excellent!

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

OP, does your dd want to go to college? If so, she needs a push. Maybe find a teacher or counselor at school who can help. It sounds like dd isn't hearing what you're saying.

If she doesn't step up now, her life will suck later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. Exactly what I don't want to happen. LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, does your dd want to go to college? If so, she needs a push. Maybe find a teacher or counselor at school who can help. It sounds like dd isn't hearing what you're saying.

If she doesn't step up now, her life will suck later.

OP here. Yes, DD does want to go to college. She says that she hears what I am saying, but that I don't need to keep repeating myself over and over. When I see the grades I tell her that I think I do need to keep saying it over and over because I don't see changes. Very frustrating!

[Anonymous]

Are college costs an issue? This could play into the discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I blame my parents for not getting me diagnosed with the many and severe learning disabilities I have, while pushing me to do things I was completely incapable of doing.

please forgive them. I'm sure they were doing the best they knew how to do.

You have no idea. Their best wasn't good enough. I have panic attacks when new computer programs are rolled out at work that I'll be expected to learn. Just the idea of sitting in any sort of classroom setting raises my heartrate and changes my breathing. You have no idea how much they tried or whether what they did was the best they could do.

you're an adult. you can get therapy now for your anxiety. using your parents as a scapegoat is ridiculous at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say blame, but I do wish that my mom (also a divorced parent) would have taken a bit more interest in my high school years. She had just discovered dating and while I enjoyed having tons of freedom, I think I would have been better off with more structure.

OP here. I have put off dating and most of a social life for myself because I don't want to be distracted and I want to focus on her, which is what I have been trying to do. It just seems like she wants me around in every other aspect of her life except anything academic related.

maybe in your case you need to have more of a life outside of her. i seriously mean no snark. i'm a single mom too, so i get it. i'm working on not pushing too hard.

[Anonymous]

PP here again, single mom.

I totally slacked off for half of HS. The irony is I was taking local college courses and getting all A's yet praying for Cs at my high school. I could've done better, but I wasn't motivated. I was dealing with a lot too outside of school (daddy issues). I was totally fine in undergrad.

[Anonymous]

I wish my parents had pushed me harder on writing and math. We were at an inner city school and college was a shock.

My 7th grader pretty much fell apart this year and would not do home work, lots of schools issues.

We did start with a therapist and the long and short is that too much of what adults were framing for her was that choices now were going to lead to failure. We basically were paralyzing her with fear. Yes you have think in some long terms but maybe being less categorical will help.

[Anonymous]

I'm a horroble speller. I wish my parents helpt me study my spelling words in 2nd grade.
Thanks God for spell check!

[Anonymous]

It's possible that if she goes to college, they'll have a foreign language requirement, and if she can test out of it, she'll be able to spend her time there doing something she enjoys more. That might be a good reason to stick with the languages.

Other than that, I think you do need to push her if you want her going to college. And you do want her going to college, otherwise she is going to face even more limited job prospects than other kids her age who do go on to college. Why limit herself so early in life?

As for the music, community service, etc. I worry that with no activities, she will have no way to distinguish herself on college applications and she won't get in anywhere. They do look for that stuff.

Is she depressed? Being bullied? Something seems off here, if all of a sudden she's refusing to do anything.