Do you blame your parents for not pushing you?

[Anonymous]

OP I would talk to her about the other aspects of her life - let her know you're there if she wants to talk, that you respect her decisions and are happy to be there to advise if she wants you. And let her drop all the classes if she wants to. She's an adult now and needs to rebel and figure out exactly what she wants out of life. I can understand how that is painful for a parent to watch but your efforts will likely be in vain. I wouldn't do counseling, would just push her away more.

My sister was the same way. Was doing well until about 8th/9th grade, then completely started to slack off, almost failed out of HS, never went to class and barely graduated. She announced she didn't want to go to college after all and ran away to travel Europe. Well, lo and behold, a year later she came back, enrolled herself at the state university, and graduated with honors.

The values you have taught your daughter throughout her life will kick in, but she needs to test the boundaries first. Let her fly.

[Anonymous]

You might try the I'll back off if you promise to "do your best"--back off anyway. You're just frustrating yourself. As my brother told me about my son--it doesn't matter what you say--there's nothing you can do! He was that way, too.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone for the great advice and understanding. Yes, this is a very frustrating process for me to sit back and watch options disappear because of her less than outstanding grades.

I will take the suggestions and back off, but let her know that I am available to assist (which I have always done).

Awaiting her grades now with a bit of fear because I think she may have barely passed (D's)or even failed her language class and English. She went into the finals with F's in both classes and I know she blew off the language class final. Hoping that the first 3 qtrs of B's and C's will balance out a horrible 4th qtr and final exam. Sigh....

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]Is she depressed? Being bullied? Something seems off here, if all of a sudden she's refusing to do anything.[/quote]

+1 Maybe she's interested in transferring schools.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]I've sacrificed so much in time and money to try and put her in good programs, have meaningful experiences so she could have a good resume/college application, but she doesn't want it and resents me for "making" her do these things.
[/quote]

Listen to her, support what she wants, help her study.

[Anonymous]

OP, you mentioned you are a single mom. What is your SES compared with her peers at her school? Are you struggling, while other families are very affluent? Does your daughter envision herself with a career, or is she somehow disenfranchised? What kinds of coursework and activities are her close friends doing?

I grew up poor in a wealthy suburb. In the early grades I was in GT and then accelerated courses in Middle. I was not one of the popular kids. My parents didn't push me; not a conscious choice as they didn't know how to anyway.

In Middle, I really started to notice a difference between myself and my more affluent classmates. I started hanging around with a group of kids who I thought were more like me- kids from modest circumstances who weren't necessarily planning on college. I did not envision myself being successful. I began to drop accelerated/honors courses when they began requiring more work. By the end of sophomore year, I was doing the bare minimum.

My mom was uninvolved, but dad did want me to go to college. I did not have any regular activities, having quit everything any time it was at all challenging, and was doing pretty minimal coursework, but my 31 on the ACT gave me some options, and as I got closer to graduation the gravity of what would happen if I DIDN'T go to college began to dawn on me. So I did improve things my junior year, and I went to college, but to this day I still have a hard time envisioning myself being really successful in a career and taking the steps to get there. College was kind of a bust. I graduated, but not in a good major and having accomplished nothing notable.

So yeah, I wish I'd been pushed, and from an earlier age - but being able to envision success and feeling worthy of it may have helped me more.

[Anonymous]

“The uncultured man always blames others; the semi cultured man blames himself and the fully-cultured man blames neither.”

As a cultured being, you must learn to solve your own problems without blaming others. If each person would try to correct himself, there would not be any trouble
in this world. But many people do not make any effort to realize that they themselves are responsible for many misfortunes that befall them. They prefer to find scapegoats. They look outside themselves for the source of their troubles because they are reluctant to admit their own weaknesses.

Admit your own weakness. Do not blame others. You must realize that you are responsible for the miseries and the difficulties that come to you. You must understand that your way of thinking also creates the conditions that give rise to your difficulties. You must appreciate that at all times, you are responsible for
whatever comes to you.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Just saw her final grades, and she has ended 10th grade year with a 2.2GPA. She actually got an F in her English class. I NEVER thought I would see that. I just didn't think she was that student. I'm disappointed and I was a bit angry with her this morning and could of handled things better. I did a lot of yelling, threatening, etc. Now, I feel bad and I made her feel bad. I can't get her to see the big picture and to know that her grades are going to affect her chances of college. Part of me wants to "end the summer" for her and turn off TV, no laptop, no phone text or data, etc, but it seems a bit too late. Do I just try to get her to "regroup" again? I feel like I do that after every quarter and it doesn't help.

PP asked about my SES in comparison to her close friends - She has friends at all levels, although it does seem like her "core group" of friends are all barely hanging on (D's and F's), so she things she's OK, since she's is doing better than them. UGH! None of her friends participate in extracurricular activities, sports, music, etc. She actually "lost" a long time friend after the young girl told her that she no longer wanted to be friends with my DD since she didn't seem to care about school. All her friends that she had that were A students, she has lost because they get together and study and are taking school seriously, and she has gone the other way. Oh well. I will have another conversation with her this evening, without the yelling and try and come up with a plan of action moving forward.

[Anonymous]

OP what was your definition of successful before? You mentioned honor roll and in my opinion that's a pretty low bar. At my kids' school all but about 5% of the students make honor roll but they attend a very high SES school. Was she ever in advanced classes?

FYI- SES stands for socio-economic status and reflects what "class" you are from using income and education as an imprecise measurement. I'm mentioning this because you mention SES in terms of grades that kids earn and that isn't it at all.

The reason that I ask my initial question is because I wonder were you what many of us would consider "pushy" before? I'm curious about your answer because I push my kids hard (top students in their grades) but they are much younger than yours.

[Anonymous]

OP. It sounds like your daughter does not respond to pushing. How about rewards?

[Anonymous]

One of my three daughters was similar to your daughter. We were in another state where she could test out of high school at 16 and she did. She enrolled in community college but was immature and did not do well. Looking back now, I think she was depressed and I wish we had gone for family counseling. For her, adolescence was difficult and she and I needed help to get through it. Then she found computer graphics which she loved. We paid for her to get a certificate from a professional school. Low and behold, when she finished this one year program, she said she wanted to go to college. On her own she wrote to a college and was admitted as a "special student," even though she did not meet the criteria for admission, they were impressed with her talents. From then on there were no problems. She managed her own education and got good grades. All we did is pay. She graduated and is now working in e-marketing. So please don't give up. Go to family counseling, and individual counseling, and keep the lines of communication open. Try to learn to separate her issues from your own. With help, you will both get through this difficult period. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. I think depression is the culprit.

[Anonymous]

Op, please don't give up on your daughter. Something is clearly wrong - to me it sounds like low self-esteem, perhaps depression. She needs help envisioning her future and figuring out what it takes to get there. The choice of under-achieving friends is a huge red flag that she might not think highly of herself. Does she want to go to college? if not what is her plan? Your daughter sounds painfully familiar - my teen-age self. But my mother was NOT like you. She could not/would not relate to me and never provided ANY support or encouragement. She didn't do her job as a parent in my opinion. And it had definitely impacted me. Yes i do blame her for this! she was also a single mother but really could have been a more caring parent. You are obviously a caring parent. You need help figuring out your role and how to best help your daughter. Probably time for a new approach, hopefully someone like a counselor or a youth pastor can help. don't give up Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. It sounds like your daughter does not respond to pushing. How about rewards?

OP here. Funny thing, I tried rewards, and it completely backfired. I told her that I would give her $100 for every A on her report card. She got upset and said "the only reason I was offering such a huge reward was because I didn't believe she could do it". Sigh... I told her that it was exactly the opposite. I DID believe she could do it and wanted to give her a reward. She didn't get an A's.

[Anonymous]

Okay. Start from now. Pick one thing at a time to work on--and try to build a relationship with her. School is out. Try to find something to do that you can do together--a hobby-even a tv show that you can enjoy together. Try to magnify the good.