I just don't like my husband anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what struck me about your post is how non-specific it was, and nowhere did you discuss any attempts at trying to make the marriage work or address the problems. Its as if you view marriage as something that just happens, and either its good because you love your husband and he loves you, or its not good and if its not good and you're not happy then he must be the wrong guy. But in fact, marriage is a lot of work, love is something you have to consciously create and nurture. And relationships grow and change. People are gently telling you to grow up because it doesn't sound like you've done the hard emotional work of figuring out what it is that you're not happy about and addressing it--nowhere do you discuss any effortts you have put into trying to change the dynamic. Does your husband even know how you feel? Do you two talk about stuff? . You imagine that there is some better soulmate out there who will make you happy--but that's not the answer. Maybe you'd be happier in a different relationship, who knows, but your job right now is to figure out why you're not currently happy and then do something about it. You're not dating, you're married with children so get into therapy, figure out the roots of your vague discontent, communicate with your husband and try your damnedest to make it work.

I'm purposely vague. I'm often surprised at the specific details that are posted on this forum.

Yes, DH knows that I would have left this marriage if it were not for the kids. I'm not sure why it is difficult to comprehend that a spouse could be dissatisfied with the marriage. We are merely roommates that share childcare duties. DH does not abuse me (physically or emotionally). He is overall a decent guy. There are no clear dealbreakers. I just don't love or even like him. Many people may think my spouse is great based on his credentials, looks and ability to perform in a social setting. They would probably be shocked at the unhappiness behind closed doors. Like many men, DH was a great athlete and enjoys playing and watching sports. While I found ex bfs who were athletes to be attractive, I find it highly irritating when DH watches or plays sports. This may be due to the time it takes away from assisting with childcare.

In hindsight, I think I married too early. I married the perfect guy on paper. All my mom's friends are envious that I married so well. He loved me so much. I thought I loved him but I don't think I ever did. Now I don't even like him. Another couple we knew looked perfect on paper but recently divorced. We would be in the same boat except we have two young children.

To the poster who accused me of already cheating, I am not cheating. I occasionally find men attractive and wonder if I would be better off divorced. I don't doubt someone out there would make me happier. I think about divorce constantly. Then I look at my children and don't want to break up our family.

Its not him its you and you will be unhappy with every husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what struck me about your post is how non-specific it was, and nowhere did you discuss any attempts at trying to make the marriage work or address the problems. Its as if you view marriage as something that just happens, and either its good because you love your husband and he loves you, or its not good and if its not good and you're not happy then he must be the wrong guy. But in fact, marriage is a lot of work, love is something you have to consciously create and nurture. And relationships grow and change. People are gently telling you to grow up because it doesn't sound like you've done the hard emotional work of figuring out what it is that you're not happy about and addressing it--nowhere do you discuss any effortts you have put into trying to change the dynamic. Does your husband even know how you feel? Do you two talk about stuff? . You imagine that there is some better soulmate out there who will make you happy--but that's not the answer. Maybe you'd be happier in a different relationship, who knows, but your job right now is to figure out why you're not currently happy and then do something about it. You're not dating, you're married with children so get into therapy, figure out the roots of your vague discontent, communicate with your husband and try your damnedest to make it work.

I'm purposely vague. I'm often surprised at the specific details that are posted on this forum.

Yes, DH knows that I would have left this marriage if it were not for the kids. I'm not sure why it is difficult to comprehend that a spouse could be dissatisfied with the marriage. We are merely roommates that share childcare duties. DH does not abuse me (physically or emotionally). He is overall a decent guy. There are no clear dealbreakers. I just don't love or even like him. Many people may think my spouse is great based on his credentials, looks and ability to perform in a social setting. They would probably be shocked at the unhappiness behind closed doors. Like many men, DH was a great athlete and enjoys playing and watching sports. While I found ex bfs who were athletes to be attractive, I find it highly irritating when DH watches or plays sports. This may be due to the time it takes away from assisting with childcare.

In hindsight, I think I married too early. I married the perfect guy on paper. All my mom's friends are envious that I married so well. He loved me so much. I thought I loved him but I don't think I ever did. Now I don't even like him. Another couple we knew looked perfect on paper but recently divorced. We would be in the same boat except we have two young children.

To the poster who accused me of already cheating, I am not cheating. I occasionally find men attractive and wonder if I would be better off divorced. I don't doubt someone out there would make me happier. I think about divorce constantly. Then I look at my children and don't want to break up our family.

You have serious, serious issues. I understand being vague but there is simply no logical connection between any of the sentences you are posting. Are you medicated right now? That or there is some big huge issue at the center of this which you refuse to discuss so everything else sounds petty. If not, believe me, divorce will not solve this. It's all you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what struck me about your post is how non-specific it was, and nowhere did you discuss any attempts at trying to make the marriage work or address the problems. Its as if you view marriage as something that just happens, and either its good because you love your husband and he loves you, or its not good and if its not good and you're not happy then he must be the wrong guy. But in fact, marriage is a lot of work, love is something you have to consciously create and nurture. And relationships grow and change. People are gently telling you to grow up because it doesn't sound like you've done the hard emotional work of figuring out what it is that you're not happy about and addressing it--nowhere do you discuss any effortts you have put into trying to change the dynamic. Does your husband even know how you feel? Do you two talk about stuff? . You imagine that there is some better soulmate out there who will make you happy--but that's not the answer. Maybe you'd be happier in a different relationship, who knows, but your job right now is to figure out why you're not currently happy and then do something about it. You're not dating, you're married with children so get into therapy, figure out the roots of your vague discontent, communicate with your husband and try your damnedest to make it work.

I'm purposely vague. I'm often surprised at the specific details that are posted on this forum.

Yes, DH knows that I would have left this marriage if it were not for the kids. I'm not sure why it is difficult to comprehend that a spouse could be dissatisfied with the marriage. We are merely roommates that share childcare duties. DH does not abuse me (physically or emotionally). He is overall a decent guy. There are no clear dealbreakers. I just don't love or even like him. Many people may think my spouse is great based on his credentials, looks and ability to perform in a social setting. They would probably be shocked at the unhappiness behind closed doors. Like many men, DH was a great athlete and enjoys playing and watching sports. While I found ex bfs who were athletes to be attractive, I find it highly irritating when DH watches or plays sports. This may be due to the time it takes away from assisting with childcare.

In hindsight, I think I married too early. I married the perfect guy on paper. All my mom's friends are envious that I married so well. He loved me so much. I thought I loved him but I don't think I ever did. Now I don't even like him. Another couple we knew looked perfect on paper but recently divorced. We would be in the same boat except we have two young children.

To the poster who accused me of already cheating, I am not cheating. I occasionally find men attractive and wonder if I would be better off divorced. I don't doubt someone out there would make me happier. I think about divorce constantly. Then I look at my children and don't want to break up our family.

You have serious, serious issues. I understand being vague but there is simply no logical connection between any of the sentences you are posting. Are you medicated right now? That or there is some big huge issue at the center of this which you refuse to discuss so everything else sounds petty. If not, believe me, divorce will not solve this. It's all you.

You think I'm medicated because I dislike my spouse? Since more than half of marriages end in divorce, I doubt that I am the only wife out there who dislikes her husband.

[Anonymous]

Op, most likely your husband dislike you as well. Change is in order!

[Anonymous]

From http://www.hisgiantmistake.com/.

"When you look at the divorce rate of 50% keep in mind that those are the couples that actually go through the wretched burden of getting a divorce. It doesn’t take into consideration those couples that are massively miserable but still together. They fall into the 50% that are married. Miserable, but still married.

For the last month I have been taking an unofficial poll of the women that I know well or just connect with randomly about whether or not they are happy in their marriage. They were all women, so not exactly a cross-section. (It’s probably dicey for me to be walking around asking married men if they are happy in their relationship. I am fairly certain that line of questioning would be misconstrued.) I tallied 14 responses over the course of 4 weeks.

So, what do you think the results were? 50-50? One-third not happy? One-third happy?

Try NONE happy. Not one. A super-sized zero. Some shrugged and talked about the challenges of keeping a relationship alive and well while raising children, others mentioned the strains that the economy has placed on the relationship, and others said they simply share the same roof. Not the same bed. The same roof. Their relationship died long ago, but why dig up the corpse? They don’t talk much, just logistical stuff. They aren’t interested in each other anymore. Sex? Yea, no. They don’t even argue anymore. That’s the quiet before the storm. And while most seemed bothered by it, or saddened as they shared, no one had a plan to change it.

It was as if it’s a forgone conclusion that eventually your happy marriage becomes just palatable. Tolerable. Survivable."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what struck me about your post is how non-specific it was, and nowhere did you discuss any attempts at trying to make the marriage work or address the problems. Its as if you view marriage as something that just happens, and either its good because you love your husband and he loves you, or its not good and if its not good and you're not happy then he must be the wrong guy. But in fact, marriage is a lot of work, love is something you have to consciously create and nurture. And relationships grow and change. People are gently telling you to grow up because it doesn't sound like you've done the hard emotional work of figuring out what it is that you're not happy about and addressing it--nowhere do you discuss any effortts you have put into trying to change the dynamic. Does your husband even know how you feel? Do you two talk about stuff? . You imagine that there is some better soulmate out there who will make you happy--but that's not the answer. Maybe you'd be happier in a different relationship, who knows, but your job right now is to figure out why you're not currently happy and then do something about it. You're not dating, you're married with children so get into therapy, figure out the roots of your vague discontent, communicate with your husband and try your damnedest to make it work.

I'm purposely vague. I'm often surprised at the specific details that are posted on this forum.

Yes, DH knows that I would have left this marriage if it were not for the kids. I'm not sure why it is difficult to comprehend that a spouse could be dissatisfied with the marriage. We are merely roommates that share childcare duties. DH does not abuse me (physically or emotionally). He is overall a decent guy. There are no clear dealbreakers. I just don't love or even like him. Many people may think my spouse is great based on his credentials, looks and ability to perform in a social setting. They would probably be shocked at the unhappiness behind closed doors. Like many men, DH was a great athlete and enjoys playing and watching sports. While I found ex bfs who were athletes to be attractive, I find it highly irritating when DH watches or plays sports. This may be due to the time it takes away from assisting with childcare.

In hindsight, I think I married too early. I married the perfect guy on paper. All my mom's friends are envious that I married so well. He loved me so much. I thought I loved him but I don't think I ever did. Now I don't even like him. Another couple we knew looked perfect on paper but recently divorced. We would be in the same boat except we have two young children.

To the poster who accused me of already cheating, I am not cheating. I occasionally find men attractive and wonder if I would be better off divorced. I don't doubt someone out there would make me happier. I think about divorce constantly. Then I look at my children and don't want to break up our family.

You have serious, serious issues. I understand being vague but there is simply no logical connection between any of the sentences you are posting. Are you medicated right now? That or there is some big huge issue at the center of this which you refuse to discuss so everything else sounds petty. If not, believe me, divorce will not solve this. It's all you.

You think I'm medicated because I dislike my spouse? Since more than half of marriages end in divorce, I doubt that I am the only wife out there who dislikes her husband.

Uh, literally NONE of the divorces my friends have gone through have been because they dislike their spouse. None. One was because of an abuse problem, one because the DW had a serious illness and that put a big strain on the family, a few were from cheating spouses (DH in all but one case) and one because the DH was actually gay and didn't come out until after marriage (but before kids, thankfully).

Grownups simply don't dissolve a marriage over "dislike" -- especially not when kids are involved. You are either in your 20s and seriously immature, or you SHOULD be medicated. I agree with PPs that something is seriously wrong here, and it's you and not him from what you're telling us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what struck me about your post is how non-specific it was, and nowhere did you discuss any attempts at trying to make the marriage work or address the problems. Its as if you view marriage as something that just happens, and either its good because you love your husband and he loves you, or its not good and if its not good and you're not happy then he must be the wrong guy. But in fact, marriage is a lot of work, love is something you have to consciously create and nurture. And relationships grow and change. People are gently telling you to grow up because it doesn't sound like you've done the hard emotional work of figuring out what it is that you're not happy about and addressing it--nowhere do you discuss any effortts you have put into trying to change the dynamic. Does your husband even know how you feel? Do you two talk about stuff? . You imagine that there is some better soulmate out there who will make you happy--but that's not the answer. Maybe you'd be happier in a different relationship, who knows, but your job right now is to figure out why you're not currently happy and then do something about it. You're not dating, you're married with children so get into therapy, figure out the roots of your vague discontent, communicate with your husband and try your damnedest to make it work.

I'm purposely vague. I'm often surprised at the specific details that are posted on this forum.

Yes, DH knows that I would have left this marriage if it were not for the kids. I'm not sure why it is difficult to comprehend that a spouse could be dissatisfied with the marriage. We are merely roommates that share childcare duties. DH does not abuse me (physically or emotionally). He is overall a decent guy. There are no clear dealbreakers. I just don't love or even like him. Many people may think my spouse is great based on his credentials, looks and ability to perform in a social setting. They would probably be shocked at the unhappiness behind closed doors. Like many men, DH was a great athlete and enjoys playing and watching sports. While I found ex bfs who were athletes to be attractive, I find it highly irritating when DH watches or plays sports. This may be due to the time it takes away from assisting with childcare.

In hindsight, I think I married too early. I married the perfect guy on paper. All my mom's friends are envious that I married so well. He loved me so much. I thought I loved him but I don't think I ever did. Now I don't even like him. Another couple we knew looked perfect on paper but recently divorced. We would be in the same boat except we have two young children.

To the poster who accused me of already cheating, I am not cheating. I occasionally find men attractive and wonder if I would be better off divorced. I don't doubt someone out there would make me happier. I think about divorce constantly. Then I look at my children and don't want to break up our family.

You have serious, serious issues. I understand being vague but there is simply no logical connection between any of the sentences you are posting. Are you medicated right now? That or there is some big huge issue at the center of this which you refuse to discuss so everything else sounds petty. If not, believe me, divorce will not solve this. It's all you.

You think I'm medicated because I dislike my spouse? Since more than half of marriages end in divorce, I doubt that I am the only wife out there who dislikes her husband.

Uh, literally NONE of the divorces my friends have gone through have been because they dislike their spouse. None. One was because of an abuse problem, one because the DW had a serious illness and that put a big strain on the family, a few were from cheating spouses (DH in all but one case) and one because the DH was actually gay and didn't come out until after marriage (but before kids, thankfully).

Grownups simply don't dissolve a marriage over "dislike" -- especially not when kids are involved. You are either in your 20s and seriously immature, or you SHOULD be medicated. I agree with PPs that something is seriously wrong here, and it's you and not him from what you're telling us.

In our circles, divorce seems somewhat common unfortunately. Many of our similar aged colleagues as well as our older colleagues are divorced. We are in our thirties.

The reason for divorce is they thought they married the wrong person. There was no abuse. There was no illness. There was no cheating. One or both parties no longer wanted to be in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In our circles, divorce seems somewhat common unfortunately. Many of our similar aged colleagues as well as our older colleagues are divorced. We are in our thirties.

The reason for divorce is they thought they married the wrong person. There was no abuse. There was no illness. There was no cheating. One or both parties no longer wanted to be in the marriage.

How are the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our circles, divorce seems somewhat common unfortunately. Many of our similar aged colleagues as well as our older colleagues are divorced. We are in our thirties.

The reason for divorce is they thought they married the wrong person. There was no abuse. There was no illness. There was no cheating. One or both parties no longer wanted to be in the marriage.

How are the kids?

The couples in their 30's did not have kids yet. The older divorced colleagues got divorced when the children were older. All of these people are pretty successful and physically attractive. They all seem to be doing fine in the dating pool.

I can't help but think that we will be one of those couples who will eventually divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what struck me about your post is how non-specific it was, and nowhere did you discuss any attempts at trying to make the marriage work or address the problems. Its as if you view marriage as something that just happens, and either its good because you love your husband and he loves you, or its not good and if its not good and you're not happy then he must be the wrong guy. But in fact, marriage is a lot of work, love is something you have to consciously create and nurture. And relationships grow and change. People are gently telling you to grow up because it doesn't sound like you've done the hard emotional work of figuring out what it is that you're not happy about and addressing it--nowhere do you discuss any effortts you have put into trying to change the dynamic. Does your husband even know how you feel? Do you two talk about stuff? . You imagine that there is some better soulmate out there who will make you happy--but that's not the answer. Maybe you'd be happier in a different relationship, who knows, but your job right now is to figure out why you're not currently happy and then do something about it. You're not dating, you're married with children so get into therapy, figure out the roots of your vague discontent, communicate with your husband and try your damnedest to make it work.

I'm purposely vague. I'm often surprised at the specific details that are posted on this forum.

Yes, DH knows that I would have left this marriage if it were not for the kids. I'm not sure why it is difficult to comprehend that a spouse could be dissatisfied with the marriage. We are merely roommates that share childcare duties. DH does not abuse me (physically or emotionally). He is overall a decent guy. There are no clear dealbreakers. I just don't love or even like him. Many people may think my spouse is great based on his credentials, looks and ability to perform in a social setting. They would probably be shocked at the unhappiness behind closed doors. Like many men, DH was a great athlete and enjoys playing and watching sports. While I found ex bfs who were athletes to be attractive, I find it highly irritating when DH watches or plays sports. This may be due to the time it takes away from assisting with childcare.

In hindsight, I think I married too early. I married the perfect guy on paper. All my mom's friends are envious that I married so well. He loved me so much. I thought I loved him but I don't think I ever did. Now I don't even like him. Another couple we knew looked perfect on paper but recently divorced. We would be in the same boat except we have two young children.

To the poster who accused me of already cheating, I am not cheating. I occasionally find men attractive and wonder if I would be better off divorced. I don't doubt someone out there would make me happier. I think about divorce constantly. Then I look at my children and don't want to break up our family.

You have serious, serious issues. I understand being vague but there is simply no logical connection between any of the sentences you are posting. Are you medicated right now? That or there is some big huge issue at the center of this which you refuse to discuss so everything else sounds petty. If not, believe me, divorce will not solve this. It's all you.

You think I'm medicated because I dislike my spouse? Since more than half of marriages end in divorce, I doubt that I am the only wife out there who dislikes her husband.

WOW. I am a new poster who is going to stand up for you. I am going through a divorce, and I have three children. In my situation, there is NO alternative but divorce, but I will not disclose the reasons on this particular thread.

I don't think that you are being vague. You are very specific about the fact that you are unhappy. Your "sentences" are logical. I think I know many moms like you.

I don't even know if you are real or not, but if you are, I want to let you know that you do not deserve the bizarre attacks I'm reading here. Your feelings are valid, and I hope that you are seeing a therapist - or that you will start seeing one soon. You are facing huge decisions. Every study indicates that children whose parents fight often, or who treat each other with contempt, will suffer emotionally. This is more important to their life-long emotional stability than whether or not their parents are divorced. If you are really unhappy and incompatible with your "perfect on paper" husband, your children will know this, and they will suffer. For the 20-50 percent of people in non-perfect marriages, this is something they don't want to hear about. It's very uncomfortable. You think, "Gee, we're able to provide for our three amazing children to go to private school, to have all these wonderful privileges and experiences, etc. etc." Our kids are in an "intact" family. We go to a million school events. Tons of parties! Our kids ski. They travel. They speak three languages. We don't have a perfect marriage - my husband is really an asshole, but we'll stay together for ten more years - for the kids.

But are these kids given the most important things that parents can give them: a loving, open, honest, happy family? This is such a tough question. And OP, only with lots of therapy can you answer this question. I know some fabulous divorced moms and dads. I know tons of re-married families with great, happy kids. Will I be one of them? I have NO idea! Would I have left my husband if I were you, given the info you provided? I'm not sure.

But what I know is that you do NOT deserve the shit that's been thrown at you on this thread. I think that your post has threatened a LOT of people here. Many women are staying in marriages with less-than-ideal husbands. For security. You're threatening them. And honestly, I would be threatened too, if I read this post a year ago.

Be strong. Get help. Figure it all out. I just had to jump in and say that your posts make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our circles, divorce seems somewhat common unfortunately. Many of our similar aged colleagues as well as our older colleagues are divorced. We are in our thirties.

The reason for divorce is they thought they married the wrong person. There was no abuse. There was no illness. There was no cheating. One or both parties no longer wanted to be in the marriage.

How are the kids?

How are your kids?

[Anonymous]

OP, I have been where you are. I was very close to separating from my husband for similar reasons. He's a great guy, great dad, great everything, and yet, I didn't like being around him, couldn't talk honestly with him, started thinking about other men (no action whatsoever, just daydreams), and started wondering whether I'd ever feel happy again. Finally, we went to counseling, and it didn't help at all! In fact, counseling made things much, much worse. So, I decided to talk openly to DH. I told him about my daydreams, what I wanted, what I was missing, what I couldn't stand about him, etc. etc. etc. I wasn't mean or angry, just sad and disappointed. I can't say there was anything instant, but after a while, DH started paying attention, and changing his behavior. He started acting more like the man I'd fallen in love with, and less like the boring jerk he'd turned into, post kids. Now I'd say things are not perfect, but they are better, and no, I don't think we'll divorce ever. I think it's hard to stay married, hard to stay "in love" if that's even possible, but it is possible to stay connected, and that, in our case, is what is keeping us together. Were I so miserable that I couldn't stand living in the same house with DH, I'd make plans to get out of the marriage. I don't know if that's the case with you, OP, but you don't sound extremely unhappy, just dissatisfied. Life is short, OP, and if you are much unhappier than you are letting on here in this forum, then you need to get thee to a counselor so you can be honest with yourself and your DH about what's happening. You will have to deal with your DH forever since you share two children, so better communication will be essential regardless of whether or not you stay together. Don't hang together for the sake of the kids. That does not work, OP! It only leads to lies and cheating (whether imaginary or not), and creating a false front (lying!) for your children, who will see through it sooner or later. They KNOW what real happiness is, and will know that you are portraying happiness, but don't feel it. Find happiness if you must, OP, and ignore those who are so harsh. Unlike the old days, you are not stuck with your husband forever, and you do have the option of leaving if you decide that you simply cannot tolerate staying together with him. But make that decision together, OP, in concert with this man you are going to be tied to forever, regardless of whether or not you remain married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been where you are. I was very close to separating from my husband for similar reasons. He's a great guy, great dad, great everything, and yet, I didn't like being around him, couldn't talk honestly with him, started thinking about other men (no action whatsoever, just daydreams), and started wondering whether I'd ever feel happy again. Finally, we went to counseling, and it didn't help at all! In fact, counseling made things much, much worse. So, I decided to talk openly to DH. I told him about my daydreams, what I wanted, what I was missing, what I couldn't stand about him, etc. etc. etc. I wasn't mean or angry, just sad and disappointed. I can't say there was anything instant, but after a while, DH started paying attention, and changing his behavior. He started acting more like the man I'd fallen in love with, and less like the boring jerk he'd turned into, post kids. Now I'd say things are not perfect, but they are better, and no, I don't think we'll divorce ever. I think it's hard to stay married, hard to stay "in love" if that's even possible, but it is possible to stay connected, and that, in our case, is what is keeping us together. Were I so miserable that I couldn't stand living in the same house with DH, I'd make plans to get out of the marriage. I don't know if that's the case with you, OP, but you don't sound extremely unhappy, just dissatisfied. Life is short, OP, and if you are much unhappier than you are letting on here in this forum, then you need to get thee to a counselor so you can be honest with yourself and your DH about what's happening. You will have to deal with your DH forever since you share two children, so better communication will be essential regardless of whether or not you stay together. Don't hang together for the sake of the kids. That does not work, OP! It only leads to lies and cheating (whether imaginary or not), and creating a false front (lying!) for your children, who will see through it sooner or later. They KNOW what real happiness is, and will know that you are portraying happiness, but don't feel it. Find happiness if you must, OP, and ignore those who are so harsh. Unlike the old days, you are not stuck with your husband forever, and you do have the option of leaving if you decide that you simply cannot tolerate staying together with him. But make that decision together, OP, in concert with this man you are going to be tied to forever, regardless of whether or not you remain married.

I'm actually pretty content with all aspects of my life except my relationship with DH. I told DH how dissatisfied I was with our marriage. In the past, he'd brush it off and tell me how good I have it. He seemed to think money could solve our problems. Material items may give you instant gratification but as cliche as it sounds, money cannot buy happiness. He has also become somewhat of an elitist, which I find terribly irritating. The confidence that I was once attracted to has become ugly and unattractive. I don't think DH understood how serious I was about separating.

DH acknowledges that he has not put in any effort into us. With a demanding career and two young children, he confessed that he has no energy to put in effort for me. He thinks the problem is that I never loved him but only his efforts. We are both going to try for the best of our children. Instead of giving our 110% to our kids, we are going to put some effort into each other. By doing that, we are both hoping that our family will survive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you and I have lot in common. My spouse also earns a good living, "looks good on paper", works hard, owns his own business, etc. My biggest problem is that I am just not attracted to him - plain and simple. I don't think of other men, but I find sex tedious, I find my husband boring and unattractive. But we also have children and a so-called "life" we have built together. I feel sorry for him because he is not a bad person. He still finds me attractive and wants to be "the perfect couple". I have just lost all sex drive and desire for intimacy. Am I bad person for this? It's a physical more than emotional thing - although it is emotional, too.

Why in the world did you marry him, PP?

[Anonymous]

so I think I see where the contradiction and self delusion is in the posts. Both the OP and the later other DW defending her keep stressing how their DHs are "good guys" "great on paper", nothing is wrong. The implication is that the DHs treat them really well but they just aren't a good fit. Yet both refer repeatedly to wrongs their DHs have committed. So her DH "stopped trying" and the other one was a "boring jerk". Withholding sex, etc.

Everyone keeps flagging this and I'll give my reasons why I think it weakens the OP's position. It makes you seem like you are twisting the story to best give the conclusion you want from people. You want permission to leave so you are pretending that your DH is a great husband (despite your barely concealed anger and long lists of grudges) so that there is no responsibility on you to address those issues in counseling. You are pretending that your feelings are totally out of your control and you just "dislike" him when in reality you are clearly full of anger at your DH - so just own it!

It also makes you seem like a terribly passive aggressive communicator and I would bet all the money in the world that the supposed clear declarations you have made to DH were nothing of the sort.

You know that if you posted a thread saying "my DH doesn't really put much effort into our relationship and I resent him", people would say counseling. If you want to divorce, then be a big girl and own your decisions. But stop lying to yourself. You might be able to save your marriage. You just don't want to.