I just don't like my husband anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. DH wants sex. I am the one who doesn't want it. When I was pregnant, I didn't want it either. I was too busy puking. I had terrible morning sickness all day and night.

I'm 33 and fairly attractive. I am back down to 120 pounds and a size 4. I can't help but think DH is not my soul mate and someone out there can make me happier. If it weren't for the kids, I would have left long ago. I don't doubt we can make it work in the short term but I am certain we won't last forever. If I know we will most likely separate, I would prefer to do it when I am still relatively young.

My unhappiness has little to do with sex. I am emotionally unhappy. Secondly, I feel like my sex drive is nonexistent. I am assuming my lack of physical attraction has to do with my mental dislike for my husband.

Do you even know what you want? Seriously do you? Do you think if you find this "soulmate" it's all roses and butterflies? What if you fall in love with this "soul mate" and he wants nothing to do with your kids? You also want to do it while you're young aka still attractive, what type are you going to attract? You WILL get old and then what? Think long and hard about these things and don't be reactionary, marriage is about adjustment. While you may be all about you right now, which is all you've written about, are you the same woman he married? Talk to your husband, you should be able to say anything to your spouse and there a reason you married him and had children with him. I'm not a huge proponent of therapy, shouldn't need an audience to communicate with your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. DH wants sex. I am the one who doesn't want it. When I was pregnant, I didn't want it either. I was too busy puking. I had terrible morning sickness all day and night.

I'm 33 and fairly attractive. I am back down to 120 pounds and a size 4. I can't help but think DH is not my soul mate and someone out there can make me happier. If it weren't for the kids, I would have left long ago. I don't doubt we can make it work in the short term but I am certain we won't last forever. If I know we will most likely separate, I would prefer to do it when I am still relatively young.

My unhappiness has little to do with sex. I am emotionally unhappy. Secondly, I feel like my sex drive is nonexistent. I am assuming my lack of physical attraction has to do with my mental dislike for my husband.

Do you even know what you want? Seriously do you? Do you think if you find this "soulmate" it's all roses and butterflies? What if you fall in love with this "soul mate" and he wants nothing to do with your kids? You also want to do it while you're young aka still attractive, what type are you going to attract? You WILL get old and then what? Think long and hard about these things and don't be reactionary, marriage is about adjustment. While you may be all about you right now, which is all you've written about, are you the same woman he married? Talk to your husband, you should be able to say anything to your spouse and there a reason you married him and had children with him. I'm not a huge proponent of therapy, shouldn't need an audience to communicate with your spouse.

This - sounds like good advice to me - married 16 years.

[Anonymous]

OP, what struck me about your post is how non-specific it was, and nowhere did you discuss any attempts at trying to make the marriage work or address the problems. Its as if you view marriage as something that just happens, and either its good because you love your husband and he loves you, or its not good and if its not good and you're not happy then he must be the wrong guy. But in fact, marriage is a lot of work, love is something you have to consciously create and nurture. And relationships grow and change. People are gently telling you to grow up because it doesn't sound like you've done the hard emotional work of figuring out what it is that you're not happy about and addressing it--nowhere do you discuss any effortts you have put into trying to change the dynamic. Does your husband even know how you feel? Do you two talk about stuff? . You imagine that there is some better soulmate out there who will make you happy--but that's not the answer. Maybe you'd be happier in a different relationship, who knows, but your job right now is to figure out why you're not currently happy and then do something about it. You're not dating, you're married with children so get into therapy, figure out the roots of your vague discontent, communicate with your husband and try your damnedest to make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. DH wants sex. I am the one who doesn't want it. When I was pregnant, I didn't want it either. I was too busy puking. I had terrible morning sickness all day and night.

I'm 33 and fairly attractive. I am back down to 120 pounds and a size 4. I can't help but think DH is not my soul mate and someone out there can make me happier. If it weren't for the kids, I would have left long ago. I don't doubt we can make it work in the short term but I am certain we won't last forever. If I know we will most likely separate, I would prefer to do it when I am still relatively young.

My unhappiness has little to do with sex. I am emotionally unhappy. Secondly, I feel like my sex drive is nonexistent. I am assuming my lack of physical attraction has to do with my mental dislike for my husband.

I have news for you. You're 33 and fairly attractive? Well, your competition will be the 25 - 28 year old women who don't have toddlers, don't have an ex-husband, and don't need babysitters. Your husband won't have a problem bringing on a younger and more enthusiastic partner because You Get The Kids! See how attractive he looks when he has some young adoring thing on his arm and he is dropping off the kids.

Get real.

I was actually trying to be humble. Humility on an anonymous forum probably sounds like insecurity.

DH earns a very healthy six figure salary with seven figure potential, is handsome, fit and has a decent personality. He can be quite the charmer when he wants to be. I am sure he would do well out there in the dating world.

When DH and I first started dating, he tried very hard to win me over. Eventually he did win me over, which is why I married him. The problem is that since we had children, he stopped trying. We are both sleep deprived and the day to day of having two young children has taken its toll on us.

We are both committed to trying to improve the marriage. I will try for our children's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. DH wants sex. I am the one who doesn't want it. When I was pregnant, I didn't want it either. I was too busy puking. I had terrible morning sickness all day and night.

I'm 33 and fairly attractive. I am back down to 120 pounds and a size 4. I can't help but think DH is not my soul mate and someone out there can make me happier. If it weren't for the kids, I would have left long ago. I don't doubt we can make it work in the short term but I am certain we won't last forever. If I know we will most likely separate, I would prefer to do it when I am still relatively young.

My unhappiness has little to do with sex. I am emotionally unhappy. Secondly, I feel like my sex drive is nonexistent. I am assuming my lack of physical attraction has to do with my mental dislike for my husband.

I have news for you. You're 33 and fairly attractive? Well, your competition will be the 25 - 28 year old women who don't have toddlers, don't have an ex-husband, and don't need babysitters. Your husband won't have a problem bringing on a younger and more enthusiastic partner because You Get The Kids! See how attractive he looks when he has some young adoring thing on his arm and he is dropping off the kids.

Get real.

I'm a new poster on this nasty thread. I know three moms, all now about 40-45 years old, all with young kids, who have been divorced in the past four years or so. Two of them are already remarried to wonderful men - one married a high school boyfriend (her age) and the other married a friend-of-a-friend who is also her age. The third is too busy working to date - she's just not interested.

I don't know what's best for OP. But telling her that she's washed up at 33 is ridiculous and untrue. It sounds like sour grapes to me. You seem to want to attack OP and to convince her that she and other young (33) women are worthless compared to men of the same age. Not only is this message inaccurate, but it's really misogynistic and nasty.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same with my husband. The reason: he is not a great father, because discipline means physical punishment to him. He is a good provider, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same with my husband. The reason: he is not a great father, because discipline means physical punishment to him. He is a good provider, though.

Yeah, TOTALLY different scenario. The government can "provide" without beatings.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP: Ignore the previous posters who are harsh and judgemental. Since you were so non-specific, I am wondering if there is something more to the picture. I doubt you would leave your husband just because you are worried about not being idealized soul-mates. Is there something more you are not telling us? For example, many victims of verbal/psychological abuse are in denial of this -- is he name-calling you, withholding affection/attention, or is there any abusive dynamic here that would lead you to doubt your relationship with him? Many abusers wait to reveal their abusive nature until after they have kids when their wives are "trapped" with them.... OP, please provide more color/context... IF there is an abusive dynamic -- or some other fact pattern that you are omitting from your post -- this would make it very excusable in my opinion to consider leaving.

Contrary to what the others have stated, it is NOT healthier or selfish to stick it out in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of the kids, especially if there is an aggravating factor such as abuse or addiction to add to the scenario.

it sounds liek you are having some self-doubts right now ..... Talk it out with a therapist and get to the heart of the issue...

If you are thinking of divorce, I'd say give it a year to see if your opinion chnages, don't do anything rash that you would regret..... But it is totally fine IMO to leave if you don't feel you are in a healthy relationship....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. DH wants sex. I am the one who doesn't want it. When I was pregnant, I didn't want it either. I was too busy puking. I had terrible morning sickness all day and night.

I'm 33 and fairly attractive. I am back down to 120 pounds and a size 4. I can't help but think DH is not my soul mate and someone out there can make me happier. If it weren't for the kids, I would have left long ago. I don't doubt we can make it work in the short term but I am certain we won't last forever. If I know we will most likely separate, I would prefer to do it when I am still relatively young.

My unhappiness has little to do with sex. I am emotionally unhappy. Secondly, I feel like my sex drive is nonexistent. I am assuming my lack of physical attraction has to do with my mental dislike for my husband.

I have news for you. You're 33 and fairly attractive? Well, your competition will be the 25 - 28 year old women who don't have toddlers, don't have an ex-husband, and don't need babysitters. Your husband won't have a problem bringing on a younger and more enthusiastic partner because You Get The Kids! See how attractive he looks when he has some young adoring thing on his arm and he is dropping off the kids.

Get real.

I'm a new poster on this nasty thread. I know three moms, all now about 40-45 years old, all with young kids, who have been divorced in the past four years or so. Two of them are already remarried to wonderful men - one married a high school boyfriend (her age) and the other married a friend-of-a-friend who is also her age. The third is too busy working to date - she's just not interested.

I don't know what's best for OP. But telling her that she's washed up at 33 is ridiculous and untrue. It sounds like sour grapes to me. You seem to want to attack OP and to convince her that she and other young (33) women are worthless compared to men of the same age. Not only is this message inaccurate, but it's really misogynistic and nasty.

I totally agree. I am so sick of the attitude on these forums that all men get whatever woman they want, and all our husbands are just beeing so kind to put up with us after we have kids and our bodies age past 30. Yes, there is a pool of men out there who can get hot 20 somethings to date them. That pool of men will not be interested in a woman with kids. However, there are plenty of divorced dads out there who are in a different pool and they are no less attractive or appealing, but they have some extra baggage thos 20 somethings may not want.

It's a moot point anyway. I agree with others - marriage is work and it's time to start working at yours. There is no soulmate out there - chances are good that you'd have issues with anyone - relationships change and you have to adapt. Trust me, I'm in marriage counseling now doing the work.

[Anonymous]

OP - you and I have lot in common. My spouse also earns a good living, "looks good on paper", works hard, owns his own business, etc. My biggest problem is that I am just not attracted to him - plain and simple. I don't think of other men, but I find sex tedious, I find my husband boring and unattractive. But we also have children and a so-called "life" we have built together. I feel sorry for him because he is not a bad person. He still finds me attractive and wants to be "the perfect couple". I have just lost all sex drive and desire for intimacy. Am I bad person for this? It's a physical more than emotional thing - although it is emotional, too.

[Anonymous]

I am no longer attracted to DH after years of sexlessness imposed by him. But I don't want my life to be defined by this unhappy marriage. I have got to make this good for my kids but these days lack energy.

I don't want to hear from people who plan to bail. I'd like inspiration from people who didn't love their spouses anymore but stayed and made good lives anyway.

[Anonymous]

Get real, the happily ever after is a myth. Staying in an unhappy marriage for the good of the children is a typical female feckless lie. Admit it, you enjoy being Sadie married Lady" and don't have the gumption to leave the nest and deal with the competition.
As a single male (widowed) reading this thread, you fit the mold of so many I've met blaming children and husband for break up of sexless marriage.
This sterotype has me planning a hasty exit midway thru the first date

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you and I have lot in common. My spouse also earns a good living, "looks good on paper", works hard, owns his own business, etc. My biggest problem is that I am just not attracted to him - plain and simple. I don't think of other men, but I find sex tedious, I find my husband boring and unattractive. But we also have children and a so-called "life" we have built together. I feel sorry for him because he is not a bad person. He still finds me attractive and wants to be "the perfect couple". I have just lost all sex drive and desire for intimacy. Am I bad person for this? It's a physical more than emotional thing - although it is emotional, too.

No, you are a bad person for not going to counseling and being more honest with him. but please, continue to think of yourself as a martyr.

[Anonymous]

pp elucidate any redeeming qualities this conniving manipulatiive selfish creature possesses. She strings along her husband ( such a perfect couple) so that she can maintain her status, her comfy life, and I'm sure uses his love of the kids to keep him close to home. If he's half a brain and the testicles to do so I wouldn't doubt thar Sadie married lady thinks he wants her, refusing to Wake up, he's getting it else where.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what struck me about your post is how non-specific it was, and nowhere did you discuss any attempts at trying to make the marriage work or address the problems. Its as if you view marriage as something that just happens, and either its good because you love your husband and he loves you, or its not good and if its not good and you're not happy then he must be the wrong guy. But in fact, marriage is a lot of work, love is something you have to consciously create and nurture. And relationships grow and change. People are gently telling you to grow up because it doesn't sound like you've done the hard emotional work of figuring out what it is that you're not happy about and addressing it--nowhere do you discuss any effortts you have put into trying to change the dynamic. Does your husband even know how you feel? Do you two talk about stuff? . You imagine that there is some better soulmate out there who will make you happy--but that's not the answer. Maybe you'd be happier in a different relationship, who knows, but your job right now is to figure out why you're not currently happy and then do something about it. You're not dating, you're married with children so get into therapy, figure out the roots of your vague discontent, communicate with your husband and try your damnedest to make it work.

I'm purposely vague. I'm often surprised at the specific details that are posted on this forum.

Yes, DH knows that I would have left this marriage if it were not for the kids. I'm not sure why it is difficult to comprehend that a spouse could be dissatisfied with the marriage. We are merely roommates that share childcare duties. DH does not abuse me (physically or emotionally). He is overall a decent guy. There are no clear dealbreakers. I just don't love or even like him. Many people may think my spouse is great based on his credentials, looks and ability to perform in a social setting. They would probably be shocked at the unhappiness behind closed doors. Like many men, DH was a great athlete and enjoys playing and watching sports. While I found ex bfs who were athletes to be attractive, I find it highly irritating when DH watches or plays sports. This may be due to the time it takes away from assisting with childcare.

In hindsight, I think I married too early. I married the perfect guy on paper. All my mom's friends are envious that I married so well. He loved me so much. I thought I loved him but I don't think I ever did. Now I don't even like him. Another couple we knew looked perfect on paper but recently divorced. We would be in the same boat except we have two young children.

To the poster who accused me of already cheating, I am not cheating. I occasionally find men attractive and wonder if I would be better off divorced. I don't doubt someone out there would make me happier. I think about divorce constantly. Then I look at my children and don't want to break up our family.