I just don't like my husband anymore
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Anonymous
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Our marriage suffered after we had our first child. DH wasn't attracted to me while I was pregnant. I had extreme morning sickness during the pregnancy. We were pretty miserable. After the baby was born, the sleep deprivation didn't help. We somehow survived the first year of the baby's life even though I was extremely unhappy. We rarely had sex but got pregnant with the second. Once again, it was a rough pregnancy and we had a toddler. After the second child was born, we stopped having any kind of relationship. It's been over a year and we probably had sex less than 5 times. I've now lost most of the baby weight so I guess DH is attracted to me again. I have zero interest in sleeping with him. I just don't like DH anymore. I feel like we have just drifted apart. He is merely a roommate who splits childcare duties with me. I feel stuck in a loveless marriage. He is a good provider and an excellent father. I almost feel like we are already divorced except we live in a big house together. DH always says I am so lucky and that I do not have any problems. My problem is that I do not like my husband. It isn't even about not loving him or being passionate anymore. that was gone long ago. It's gotten so bad that everything and anything that he does irritates me.
Is it common to stay married when you no longer like your spouse? |
Anonymous
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I think it's very common with young kids and stress and hormones and expectations, to not like each other. This is hard! Lots and lots of couples I know have gone through this and after their youngest is 2 I feel like you end up liking your DH a little better
You need to be totally honest about what help you need from him, don't just simmer with resentment while you bathe the kids and do bedtime, etc. if you feel like he isn't doing his share you need to ask for help or you will never get over the anger You need date nights, every single week. You married each other for a reason, figure out what that was. Make a night for sex, seriously, this has helped us immensely. Unless you like the idea of being a single mother with 2 young kids and splitting up your family then you need to work on this. I have friends who didn't make it through this tough time, the wife (my friend) didn't want to hear it-she swore she just wasn't in love and she is more miserable now! 3 kids under 6 and it's so hard, and her kids are miserable. You say he is a great dad so I think there is hope. And as for him not being attracted to yu while pregnant, did he tell you that? Some men have no idea what to do with a pregnant woman, especially one that has been throwing up for weeks,meh was probably just afraid to make anything worse Good luck! |
Anonymous
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I mean this really nicely and with a lot of empathy: grow up. seriously.
You get to be mad, you get to feel disconnected and angry. But as an adult, with 2 kids who depend on you to Do The Right Thing By Them, who depend on you to work hard to make their lives stable, you have no right to wallow in anger, poisoning your marriage while completely blaming your husband for its demise. You need to either (1) get to counseling/therapy with or without DH or (2) get over it. Those are your only responsible choices. The only grievance you have detailed is him not wanting to have sex with you. I've seen the sexless marriage threads here and I understand it can be hard but... are you freaking kidding me? The sex declined temporarily while you were pregnant and had two small kids? You keep saying it "seemed" and "supposed" so you never even talked about it to him and got his opinion? That's enough for you to check out of the marriage? Engage in tit for tat? Destroy your family home? Are you 12? I know you will get a lot of sympathetic posts so consider this an alternative strategy" a wake up call. You are heading towards a long painful and miserable breakdown of your marriage. You can either be part of the problem or the solution. Let me guess, you didn't really pay attention to your wedding vows because you were too busy planning what was important to you - The Big Day. |
Anonymous
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I think it all depends on how bad he makes you feel.
I have friends who don't love their husbands. I know women who hate their husbands. Some stay together "for the kids" and others separate. Think of your children. All the studies indicate that children will model their future relationships based on YOUR relationship with your husband. Can you put aside your dislike for him when your children are around? Can you imagine doing this for the next twenty years? If not, I really think it's better to divorce since your children will know that you don't have a good marriage. And if you argue or fight, that's obviously the worst thing you can do in front of your kids. Though suffering silently and feeling joyless or unvalued is terrible too. Have you tried marriage counseling? Is he willing to do it with you? Either way, maybe you should try individual counseling with a good psychologist. Lastly, please ignore the PP. She's cruel and bitter and obviously believes that women should do nothing but suck up a bad marriage for the rest of their lives. Sorry, but women don't have to do that anymore. It's not good for the children, as all studies indicate. |
Anonymous
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^^
"bitter" pp here. Actually, I recommended therapy/counseling. She can leave or stay and try to improve it but she doesn't get the right to feel noble while stay while hating her husband and blaming him while her children grow up in a loveless unhappy home. |
Anonymous
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Most marriages suck until the youngest is 3, commit to doing everythign you can until then at least.
Do the obvious things to improve it, OP. Weekly date night, have a standing sitter. Get away at least once a year for at least a weekend. Get screened for depression and add a daily walk to your routine if you don't already exercise. Get your thyroid and Vitamin D levels checked. Go to therapy. Andy Wald in Bethesda is great for couples, there is a practice at Gtown that is great for women and motherhood issues. I think there is more going on than issues with your DH, I think you have other discontents that are getting projected onto him. Do you work? If not, going back at least PT might be a good idea. If you work full time get some household help. Read "The 5 Love Languages" and ask DH to read it too. Follow the recommendations. Have sex once a week or more, whether you want to or not. |
Anonymous
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Why did you marry him? What drew you to him, and him to you? You've got to find the people that you were before kids. Do it through date nights, or do it through counseling. Odds are decent that you can make this work IF you married him for some other reason than, "I wanted kids, i'm getting older and he was there."
Trust me on this one. I'm a single mom of one and it is hard. Really hard. Try to avoid it if you can. |
Anonymous
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OP,
Most of your discontent has to do with sex. It is mentioned over and over. How often are you getting it on now? Did you feel rejected when it was less and did that play into your feelings changing? His saying you have no problems or whatever sounds pretty dismissive. What IS working about your relationship? What are specific things you want from him and have you asked for them? |
Anonymous
OP here. DH wants sex. I am the one who doesn't want it. When I was pregnant, I didn't want it either. I was too busy puking. I had terrible morning sickness all day and night. I'm 33 and fairly attractive. I am back down to 120 pounds and a size 4. I can't help but think DH is not my soul mate and someone out there can make me happier. If it weren't for the kids, I would have left long ago. I don't doubt we can make it work in the short term but I am certain we won't last forever. If I know we will most likely separate, I would prefer to do it when I am still relatively young. My unhappiness has little to do with sex. I am emotionally unhappy. Secondly, I feel like my sex drive is nonexistent. I am assuming my lack of physical attraction has to do with my mental dislike for my husband. |
Anonymous
Wow, you really sound depressed. You should definitely find a counselor willing to talk you through this lack of happiness in your life. However, for being a couple years old than me, the bolded above makes you sound really naive. Nobody is anybody's soulmate. Good marriages get that way because of work. Some people are easygoing and have easygoing spouses, but sounds like you have some major issues yourself, so I think you would bring that unhappiness to any marriage, regardless of who it's with. It's not your husband's job to make you happy (and it's not your kids' job, either), that's YOUR job. With counseling, you can get there. |
Anonymous
This is very wise, yet practical advice!!! |
Anonymous
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Hey OP - I've felt similar to you (and sometimes still do), especially when my kids were babies. My DH just wasn't a great husband/father when the kids were young. Unfortunately, after you have kids in the picture, it's not just a "DH isn't perfect, I need to go find my soulmate" type proposition. Your choices are: 1. bail on your husband and try to find that perfect guy to marry you and be the guy of your dreams while dealing with single mom-ing it with an ex-husband. or 2. work on the relationship you have and get the best out of it. I've chosen 2, mostly because I've talked to enough of my friends to know that they ALL have some level of issue with their spouses and although I don't have the best situation, it's not anything out-of-the-ordinary.
It sounds like you might be depressed or at least at a crossroads in your life. Not the best time to be making a major life decision. Try spending a year of truly truly working on yourself and your marriage and then re-assess. I think my absolute low-point in our marriage was when we had a 3yo and a 1yo. It was truly truly awful and I hear that again and again. That first year, particularly with the second child, can be just excruciatingly difficult. Wait it out, put in some serious effort, and make a better decision when the youngest is at least 2.5-3. Best of luck. |
Anonymous
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OP, no one has much sex drive when the children are little. And believe me, you can have a down year or two in a marriage and then have a really great string of years after that.
You should stop looking at the small picture and look at the big picture, which is that these are his children too and that you need to make your marriage work for them. When you had children it stopped being about you. You do not want to be a single mother with young children. |
Anonymous
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Can't recommend therapy enough. It's not a cure all, it's a tool, you guys have to show up and do the work not just there but as you interact in real life.
We were on the brink of divorce, two young kids, lots of your same issues, and we are working through some things. Not sure how it will shake out but we are a hell of a lot better than we were this time last year. I think no matter what, you need to face some of these issues. People think that divorce is an escape but with kids, it's not. You still have to deal with each other. So not saying you should stay married, but you need to at least get to a point where you like each other. Whether or not you love each other is one thing, that's what staying married is about, but if you decide not to, your life will be a lot better if you like each other. And maybe in the process of learning to like each other again, you will learn to love each other again. Who knows, that is what we are trying to figure out. |
Anonymous
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