Vent: My son unintentionally shamed my brother, who then "told on me" to our parents

[Anonymous]

Ask your parents:

“Larlo is at an age where he’s curious about how the world works and what adults do. How would you like me to explain to him that uncle doesn’t work or go to school?

What do you want me to tell him when he asks about how uncle spends his days?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

NP and you are obnoxious.

To me, it’s clear that at worst, OP is guilty of not being sympathetic to the fact that her brother might have some kind of unseen mental health disorder. But that is not entirely her fault if her family chose not to share this with her and just allowed her to think he’s just lazy and entitled all these years.
What else is OP supposed to think?
And her DS didn’t belittle or mock him. OP said he simply asked questions about why he didn’t have a job—questions that the uncle didn’t know how to answer and that made him uncomfortable.
Oh well.
Maybe if the family had included OP on what was going on with him, she could offer an explanation that made more sense.

Yes OP comes off sounding bitter and hurt. But being the sibling in her position watching how the parents favor her brother with no explanation can leave a lot of hurt.

OP seemingly has it all together. Kids, career, spouse, etc. Her brother does not. WTF does she have to be bitter and hurt about? Her brother quite clearly doesn't have it all together. Only an extremely insecure person would be hung about this or the fact that her 7 yr old got called out for being rude and nosy. She's already winning in life, what more does she need? If she can't be empathetic then she needs to just cut him out of her life because he's not good enough for her or living his life in a way she finds acceptable. A rational person would see that he's not firing on all cylinders and no think "well, nobody has explicitly told me there's a problem" It's clear as day.

It is pretty ironic that OP judges her mother's parenting skills and "coddling" of her brother yet is extremely defensive and coddling of her own son's rude behavior.

Does her 7 yr old sit around all day? And would her 7 year old be up in arms, if say, a one year old hurt his feelings?

Why is OP so mad that her family hurt her feelings? What's the difference?

She's not. They are

She is venting in a public forum, she is upset that her parent's called her out on her son's poor behavior. People who aren't upset don't give this a second thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

NP and you are obnoxious.

To me, it’s clear that at worst, OP is guilty of not being sympathetic to the fact that her brother might have some kind of unseen mental health disorder. But that is not entirely her fault if her family chose not to share this with her and just allowed her to think he’s just lazy and entitled all these years.
What else is OP supposed to think?
And her DS didn’t belittle or mock him. OP said he simply asked questions about why he didn’t have a job—questions that the uncle didn’t know how to answer and that made him uncomfortable.
Oh well.
Maybe if the family had included OP on what was going on with him, she could offer an explanation that made more sense.

Yes OP comes off sounding bitter and hurt. But being the sibling in her position watching how the parents favor her brother with no explanation can leave a lot of hurt.

OP seemingly has it all together. Kids, career, spouse, etc. Her brother does not. WTF does she have to be bitter and hurt about? Her brother quite clearly doesn't have it all together. Only an extremely insecure person would be hung about this or the fact that her 7 yr old got called out for being rude and nosy. She's already winning in life, what more does she need? If she can't be empathetic then she needs to just cut him out of her life because he's not good enough for her or living his life in a way she finds acceptable. A rational person would see that he's not firing on all cylinders and no think "well, nobody has explicitly told me there's a problem" It's clear as day.

It is pretty ironic that OP judges her mother's parenting skills and "coddling" of her brother yet is extremely defensive and coddling of her own son's rude behavior.

Does her 7 yr old sit around all day? And would her 7 year old be up in arms, if say, a one year old hurt his feelings?

Why is OP so mad that her family hurt her feelings? What's the difference?

She's not. They are

She is venting in a public forum, she is upset that her parent's called her out on her son's poor behavior. People who aren't upset don't give this a second thought.

Exactly. This is all an epic whine that she's not the favored child. Secure well adjusted adults don't need mommy's approval or to be told they are awesome and their brother is just a loser so that she feels like she's winning. She's winning in life because of all the things she listed in her OP that she has going for her. What more validation does she need?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

NP and you are obnoxious.

To me, it’s clear that at worst, OP is guilty of not being sympathetic to the fact that her brother might have some kind of unseen mental health disorder. But that is not entirely her fault if her family chose not to share this with her and just allowed her to think he’s just lazy and entitled all these years.
What else is OP supposed to think?
And her DS didn’t belittle or mock him. OP said he simply asked questions about why he didn’t have a job—questions that the uncle didn’t know how to answer and that made him uncomfortable.
Oh well.
Maybe if the family had included OP on what was going on with him, she could offer an explanation that made more sense.

Yes OP comes off sounding bitter and hurt. But being the sibling in her position watching how the parents favor her brother with no explanation can leave a lot of hurt.

OP seemingly has it all together. Kids, career, spouse, etc. Her brother does not. WTF does she have to be bitter and hurt about? Her brother quite clearly doesn't have it all together. Only an extremely insecure person would be hung about this or the fact that her 7 yr old got called out for being rude and nosy. She's already winning in life, what more does she need? If she can't be empathetic then she needs to just cut him out of her life because he's not good enough for her or living his life in a way she finds acceptable. A rational person would see that he's not firing on all cylinders and no think "well, nobody has explicitly told me there's a problem" It's clear as day.

It is pretty ironic that OP judges her mother's parenting skills and "coddling" of her brother yet is extremely defensive and coddling of her own son's rude behavior.

Does her 7 yr old sit around all day? And would her 7 year old be up in arms, if say, a one year old hurt his feelings?

Why is OP so mad that her family hurt her feelings? What's the difference?

She's not. They are

She is venting in a public forum, she is upset that her parent's called her out on her son's poor behavior. People who aren't upset don't give this a second thought.

Exactly. This is all an epic whine that she's not the favored child. Secure well adjusted adults don't need mommy's approval or to be told they are awesome and their brother is just a loser so that she feels like she's winning. She's winning in life because of all the things she listed in her OP that she has going for her. What more validation does she need?

Insane. Everyone needs a parent. She's not a robot. She hosted her brother,expected nothing of him, and is annoyed that on top of hosting him she gets called out. Don't come over. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask your parents:

“Larlo is at an age where he’s curious about how the world works and what adults do. How would you like me to explain to him that uncle doesn’t work or go to school?

What do you want me to tell him when he asks about how uncle spends his days?”

Again extremely rude and passive agressive. Larlo is not entitled to the particulars of why his uncle does not have a job. 1 in 10 prime age adults in this country don't have a job for a variety of reasons.

Tell your kids there are many reasons why some adults don't have a job, those reasons are very personal and we don't pry unless the other person openly shares. Many people look and act in ways that are not typical, you don't put them on the spot. It's a lesson kids learn in kindergarten.

[Anonymous]

OP. I wouldn't care about the apology or not, but I'd be upfront that they needed to talk to your son and not you and to not come over if on top of everything else they want you to police conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

NP and you are obnoxious.

To me, it’s clear that at worst, OP is guilty of not being sympathetic to the fact that her brother might have some kind of unseen mental health disorder. But that is not entirely her fault if her family chose not to share this with her and just allowed her to think he’s just lazy and entitled all these years.
What else is OP supposed to think?
And her DS didn’t belittle or mock him. OP said he simply asked questions about why he didn’t have a job—questions that the uncle didn’t know how to answer and that made him uncomfortable.
Oh well.
Maybe if the family had included OP on what was going on with him, she could offer an explanation that made more sense.

Yes OP comes off sounding bitter and hurt. But being the sibling in her position watching how the parents favor her brother with no explanation can leave a lot of hurt.

Exactly this. I've been told point blank by my mom "i don't need to worry about you because i know you'll figure it out. I just only need to worry about your sister" and "I don't remember your wedding anniversary but I remember your sister's because her marriage is worse than yours".

Newsflash parents: you need to wrry about ALL of your kids. Not just treat them as sink or swim.

That is definitely not true. Both my DH and I have failure to launch brothers. We're not desperate to have our parents worrying over us and coddling us. We think it's sad our brothers are in this position but there are other issues at play. We're just grateful we are not them. We aren't desperate for our parent's support and attention as adults, we have our own family to worry about. The cord is cut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

NP and you are obnoxious.

To me, it’s clear that at worst, OP is guilty of not being sympathetic to the fact that her brother might have some kind of unseen mental health disorder. But that is not entirely her fault if her family chose not to share this with her and just allowed her to think he’s just lazy and entitled all these years.
What else is OP supposed to think?
And her DS didn’t belittle or mock him. OP said he simply asked questions about why he didn’t have a job—questions that the uncle didn’t know how to answer and that made him uncomfortable.
Oh well.
Maybe if the family had included OP on what was going on with him, she could offer an explanation that made more sense.

Yes OP comes off sounding bitter and hurt. But being the sibling in her position watching how the parents favor her brother with no explanation can leave a lot of hurt.

OP seemingly has it all together. Kids, career, spouse, etc. Her brother does not. WTF does she have to be bitter and hurt about? Her brother quite clearly doesn't have it all together. Only an extremely insecure person would be hung about this or the fact that her 7 yr old got called out for being rude and nosy. She's already winning in life, what more does she need? If she can't be empathetic then she needs to just cut him out of her life because he's not good enough for her or living his life in a way she finds acceptable. A rational person would see that he's not firing on all cylinders and no think "well, nobody has explicitly told me there's a problem" It's clear as day.

It is pretty ironic that OP judges her mother's parenting skills and "coddling" of her brother yet is extremely defensive and coddling of her own son's rude behavior.

Does her 7 yr old sit around all day? And would her 7 year old be up in arms, if say, a one year old hurt his feelings?

Why is OP so mad that her family hurt her feelings? What's the difference?

She's not. They are

She is venting in a public forum, she is upset that her parent's called her out on her son's poor behavior. People who aren't upset don't give this a second thought.

Exactly. This is all an epic whine that she's not the favored child. Secure well adjusted adults don't need mommy's approval or to be told they are awesome and their brother is just a loser so that she feels like she's winning. She's winning in life because of all the things she listed in her OP that she has going for her. What more validation does she need?

Insane. Everyone needs a parent. She's not a robot. She hosted her brother,expected nothing of him, and is annoyed that on top of hosting him she gets called out. Don't come over. Problem solved.

Fine stop inviting him. But no, a healthy 30 yr old doesn't need to be parented anymore. That's the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask your parents:

“Larlo is at an age where he’s curious about how the world works and what adults do. How would you like me to explain to him that uncle doesn’t work or go to school?

What do you want me to tell him when he asks about how uncle spends his days?”

Again extremely rude and passive agressive. Larlo is not entitled to the particulars of why his uncle does not have a job. 1 in 10 prime age adults in this country don't have a job for a variety of reasons.

Tell your kids there are many reasons why some adults don't have a job, those reasons are very personal and we don't pry unless the other person openly shares. Many people look and act in ways that are not typical, you don't put them on the spot. It's a lesson kids learn in kindergarten.

Then his uncle needs to manage the conversation. Its not the moms job unless it was getting out of hand in which case she should be alerted but no mom needs to be on hand for every discussion over breakfast. It's actually the uncle who is passive aggressive. If he had been direct during this conversation no one else would need to be involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask your parents:

“Larlo is at an age where he’s curious about how the world works and what adults do. How would you like me to explain to him that uncle doesn’t work or go to school?

What do you want me to tell him when he asks about how uncle spends his days?”

Again extremely rude and passive agressive. Larlo is not entitled to the particulars of why his uncle does not have a job. 1 in 10 prime age adults in this country don't have a job for a variety of reasons.

Tell your kids there are many reasons why some adults don't have a job, those reasons are very personal and we don't pry unless the other person openly shares. Many people look and act in ways that are not typical, you don't put them on the spot. It's a lesson kids learn in kindergarten.

Then his uncle needs to manage the conversation. Its not the moms job unless it was getting out of hand in which case she should be alerted but no mom needs to be on hand for every discussion over breakfast. It's actually the uncle who is passive aggressive. If he had been direct during this conversation no one else would need to be involved.

Uncle doesn't nee a back and forth with a 7yr old acting as a proxy for his disgruntled mother. OP is just as deeply mired in this unhealthy family dynamic as the rest of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

NP and you are obnoxious.

To me, it’s clear that at worst, OP is guilty of not being sympathetic to the fact that her brother might have some kind of unseen mental health disorder. But that is not entirely her fault if her family chose not to share this with her and just allowed her to think he’s just lazy and entitled all these years.
What else is OP supposed to think?
And her DS didn’t belittle or mock him. OP said he simply asked questions about why he didn’t have a job—questions that the uncle didn’t know how to answer and that made him uncomfortable.
Oh well.
Maybe if the family had included OP on what was going on with him, she could offer an explanation that made more sense.

Yes OP comes off sounding bitter and hurt. But being the sibling in her position watching how the parents favor her brother with no explanation can leave a lot of hurt.

Exactly this. I've been told point blank by my mom "i don't need to worry about you because i know you'll figure it out. I just only need to worry about your sister" and "I don't remember your wedding anniversary but I remember your sister's because her marriage is worse than yours".

Newsflash parents: you need to wrry about ALL of your kids. Not just treat them as sink or swim.

That is definitely not true. Both my DH and I have failure to launch brothers. We're not desperate to have our parents worrying over us and coddling us. We think it's sad our brothers are in this position but there are other issues at play. We're just grateful we are not them. We aren't desperate for our parent's support and attention as adults, we have our own family to worry about. The cord is cut.

I think you've just internalized your dysfunctional family dynamic. We all need parents and to feel like we matter. THose of us who are able to do well understood that we didn't have a choice. Noone is asking for coddling, but actual curiousity and interest would be nice. Remembering an anniversary is not coddling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask your parents:

“Larlo is at an age where he’s curious about how the world works and what adults do. How would you like me to explain to him that uncle doesn’t work or go to school?

What do you want me to tell him when he asks about how uncle spends his days?”

Again extremely rude and passive agressive. Larlo is not entitled to the particulars of why his uncle does not have a job. 1 in 10 prime age adults in this country don't have a job for a variety of reasons.

Tell your kids there are many reasons why some adults don't have a job, those reasons are very personal and we don't pry unless the other person openly shares. Many people look and act in ways that are not typical, you don't put them on the spot. It's a lesson kids learn in kindergarten.

Then his uncle needs to manage the conversation. Its not the moms job unless it was getting out of hand in which case she should be alerted but no mom needs to be on hand for every discussion over breakfast. It's actually the uncle who is passive aggressive. If he had been direct during this conversation no one else would need to be involved.

It's precisely her job to teach her son basic relational skills so that such conversations don't happen in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

NP and you are obnoxious.

To me, it’s clear that at worst, OP is guilty of not being sympathetic to the fact that her brother might have some kind of unseen mental health disorder. But that is not entirely her fault if her family chose not to share this with her and just allowed her to think he’s just lazy and entitled all these years.
What else is OP supposed to think?
And her DS didn’t belittle or mock him. OP said he simply asked questions about why he didn’t have a job—questions that the uncle didn’t know how to answer and that made him uncomfortable.
Oh well.
Maybe if the family had included OP on what was going on with him, she could offer an explanation that made more sense.

Yes OP comes off sounding bitter and hurt. But being the sibling in her position watching how the parents favor her brother with no explanation can leave a lot of hurt.

Exactly this. I've been told point blank by my mom "i don't need to worry about you because i know you'll figure it out. I just only need to worry about your sister" and "I don't remember your wedding anniversary but I remember your sister's because her marriage is worse than yours".

Newsflash parents: you need to wrry about ALL of your kids. Not just treat them as sink or swim.

That is definitely not true. Both my DH and I have failure to launch brothers. We're not desperate to have our parents worrying over us and coddling us. We think it's sad our brothers are in this position but there are other issues at play. We're just grateful we are not them. We aren't desperate for our parent's support and attention as adults, we have our own family to worry about. The cord is cut.

I think you've just internalized your dysfunctional family dynamic. We all need parents and to feel like we matter. THose of us who are able to do well understood that we didn't have a choice. Noone is asking for coddling, but actual curiousity and interest would be nice. Remembering an anniversary is not coddling.

Where did OP say none of that was happening? And where did I say my parents were disinterested? I know my parents are proud of me and interested in my kids. They don't need to consistently put my brother down in order for me to feel important or good about myself. It has nothing to do with favoring, it's them taking care of their offspring because nobody else can or will. He is still their responsibility. I don't need any of that. I'm fully launched, my brother is not. All he has is my parents, our lives and needs are different and as an adult I can recognize that. OP still refuses to acknowledge her brother is not exactly like her and has different needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask your parents:

“Larlo is at an age where he’s curious about how the world works and what adults do. How would you like me to explain to him that uncle doesn’t work or go to school?

What do you want me to tell him when he asks about how uncle spends his days?”

Again extremely rude and passive agressive. Larlo is not entitled to the particulars of why his uncle does not have a job. 1 in 10 prime age adults in this country don't have a job for a variety of reasons.

Tell your kids there are many reasons why some adults don't have a job, those reasons are very personal and we don't pry unless the other person openly shares. Many people look and act in ways that are not typical, you don't put them on the spot. It's a lesson kids learn in kindergarten.

Then his uncle needs to manage the conversation. Its not the moms job unless it was getting out of hand in which case she should be alerted but no mom needs to be on hand for every discussion over breakfast. It's actually the uncle who is passive aggressive. If he had been direct during this conversation no one else would need to be involved.

It's precisely her job to teach her son basic relational skills so that such conversations don't happen in the first place.

All these moms here who are blaming OP and the kid's rude manners---I'd like to see you react in the same way when your kid says or does something racist. I bet you will quickly turn into kids will be kids and i am uncomfortable teaching. MMMM hmmmm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask your parents:

“Larlo is at an age where he’s curious about how the world works and what adults do. How would you like me to explain to him that uncle doesn’t work or go to school?

What do you want me to tell him when he asks about how uncle spends his days?”

Again extremely rude and passive agressive. Larlo is not entitled to the particulars of why his uncle does not have a job. 1 in 10 prime age adults in this country don't have a job for a variety of reasons.

Tell your kids there are many reasons why some adults don't have a job, those reasons are very personal and we don't pry unless the other person openly shares. Many people look and act in ways that are not typical, you don't put them on the spot. It's a lesson kids learn in kindergarten.

Then his uncle needs to manage the conversation. Its not the moms job unless it was getting out of hand in which case she should be alerted but no mom needs to be on hand for every discussion over breakfast. It's actually the uncle who is passive aggressive. If he had been direct during this conversation no one else would need to be involved.

It's precisely her job to teach her son basic relational skills so that such conversations don't happen in the first place.

All these moms here who are blaming OP and the kid's rude manners---I'd like to see you react in the same way when your kid says or does something racist. I bet you will quickly turn into kids will be kids and i am uncomfortable teaching. MMMM hmmmm.

What a reach. The only person doing all of that is OP.... he's just curious! He doesn't understand how anyone can be different?