Vent: My son unintentionally shamed my brother, who then "told on me" to our parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

OP ignore this utter garbage take.

This was a 42 year old talking to a 7 year old. The 42 year old ran home to mommy and daddy and complained about a 7 year old that did absolutely nothing wrong.

Team 7 year old.

But what if angry Mom indirectly put the kid up to it? Still OK?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

OP ignore this utter garbage take.

This was a 42 year old talking to a 7 year old. The 42 year old ran home to mommy and daddy and complained about a 7 year old that did absolutely nothing wrong.

Team 7 year old.

Dp
You and I cannot say for sure but op will know deep down if that is a garbage take or not. She can reflect on that if she chooses or ignore it or know for sure that is not the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

DH and I are very careful to not talk in front of the kids about my brother. I think it was more that DS doesn't know any grown men without jobs, and was thinking out loud as he struggled to understand the situation. All he sees is my brother sitting or laying on the couch when he's here. He won't even play on the floor with the kids or go outside to draw with chalk on the driveway. Also, we don't invite my brother. My mother calls and announces she's "sending" him over. He used to try to bring dirty laundry thinking I'd do it for him. DH finally told him after the 4th or 5th time that was never going to happen.

I don’t believe you. Seven year olds are not that obsessed with adult jobs, even in DC. You sound high pressure and anxiety ridden OP. I wouldn’t want to be your brother and I wouldn’t want to be your son!

I totally believe this. I remember when my oldest was around 7 he asked a lot of questions about retirement because he was trying to understand why his grandparents didn't work.

He also has an autistic uncle who doesn't work but at least in that case, my brother's autism is NOT mild and it's easy for them to understand he is different from other adults. This doesn't sound like the case for OP's brother, none of the adults know the reason, so it's tough to explain.

[Anonymous]

I empathize deeply. I have a brother like this (coddles, enabled, lives at home, never worked) though like another PP, he has developed some mental illnesses and I limit contact. My kids know he's a terrible example. They are too young to understand how my parents enabled him.

The truth spills out sometimes. Your parents don't want to face it. Mine freak out whenever it comes out from other people (a young relative who told him: "you aren't a grown up, you are just a big kid"). All of them are in denial and hearing the truth hurts.

None of this is your fault. It kind of feels like gaslighting,when you can see reality and your family or origin denies it. Don't feel guilty.

The other pps responding who don't have this situation don't get it.

[Anonymous]

You lost me at “[l]ike many other women who post here”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The uncle sounds like he has untreated mental illness and yes, you should apologize, and not disparage him around your kid.

The facts that he was partying hard in college, didn't finish college, isn't self supporting, and was horribly offended by your son's questions all point, to me, to untreated mental illness.

Time for lessons in compassion. You weren't necessarily wrong, but you were judgemental.

No. Adults who live with their parents and can't support themselves usually have mental illness, but it doesn't follow that this is such a taboo subject it can't be broached. OP shouldn't be walking on eggshells all her life. Quite the contrary! We need to talk about this as a society. The kid wasn't judgmental. He was being a kid. The brother was triggered, because he has unresolved feelings about his situation, but that's HIS problem. OP intervened, which she had a right to do. Moreover, OP spoke a few hard truths to her parents, which was the right thing to do, because sometimes you need to do that.

In 10 years, her parents might have expected her to support her brother. Speaking the hard truths now, and refusing to apologize for imagined slights, is EXACTLY how OP preserves her nuclear family from the ongoing financial issue that is her brother and his undiagnosed troubles.

OP, please ignore the posters who think you need to apologize. Your brother was dealt a difficult hand in life, compounded by the inability of your parents to realize he had serious problems, and push for diagnosis and treatment. But it doesn't mean you need to be a doormat to your family's dysfunction. Your job is to extirpate your kids from this and keep a close eye on their development, because autism and all the other things your brother might have is INHERITABLE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

OP ignore this utter garbage take.

This was a 42 year old talking to a 7 year old. The 42 year old ran home to mommy and daddy and complained about a 7 year old that did absolutely nothing wrong.

Team 7 year old.

But what if angry Mom indirectly put the kid up to it? Still OK?

Have you ever tried to get a 7 year old to do something?

[Anonymous]

^ I said the above because I have a husband and son with autism. I know what I'm talking about. Kids who ask question are WELCOME. We want them to know. There is no place for shame and offense. The problem with families who get no diagnoses and treatments is that they don't know what they're dealing with, and therefore have no explanations and feel shame, and therefore tend to be secretive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I empathize deeply. I have a brother like this (coddles, enabled, lives at home, never worked) though like another PP, he has developed some mental illnesses and I limit contact. My kids know he's a terrible example. They are too young to understand how my parents enabled him.

The truth spills out sometimes. Your parents don't want to face it. Mine freak out whenever it comes out from other people (a young relative who told him: "you aren't a grown up, you are just a big kid"). All of them are in denial and hearing the truth hurts.

None of this is your fault. It kind of feels like gaslighting,when you can see reality and your family or origin denies it. Don't feel guilty.

The other pps responding who don't have this situation don't get it.

And the people with diagnosed mental illness or with mentally ill family members get it too. We need to fund more research and can't do this if every stupid elderly parent hides his middle-aged non-functional adult child behind closed doors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

OP ignore this utter garbage take.

This was a 42 year old talking to a 7 year old. The 42 year old ran home to mommy and daddy and complained about a 7 year old that did absolutely nothing wrong.

Team 7 year old.

But what if angry Mom indirectly put the kid up to it? Still OK?

DP, IMO this is totally fine either way. Obviously he has enablers and needs to confront his demons. That's why I advocated for OP to confront him rather than ignore the situation like always.

[Anonymous]

Omg my 4 year old is obsessed with what people do for work. It’s not odd for a 7 year old to be like what’s your job and get confused when the persons like, I’m tired. He should have given a straight answer- “I don’t have a job, I wish I did but I’m too tired to have a job.” and if your son asked why he was so tired he could say “I’m not sure, but it sucks!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

OP ignore this utter garbage take.

This was a 42 year old talking to a 7 year old. The 42 year old ran home to mommy and daddy and complained about a 7 year old that did absolutely nothing wrong.

Team 7 year old.

😂 pure gold.
But what if angry Mom indirectly put the kid up to it? Still OK?

Have you ever tried to get a 7 year old to do something?

[Anonymous]

So, what is your brother's issue? Because, apart from the problem posted here, I'm just really curious as to why he is at your parent's house and never works. Does he have a dx of some sort? Why are your parents allowing this?
I see also your frustration, but there's a lot of comparing here- what you did/ what he never did. I would stop that, but I understand your frustration with your parents enabling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

OP ignore this utter garbage take.

This was a 42 year old talking to a 7 year old. The 42 year old ran home to mommy and daddy and complained about a 7 year old that did absolutely nothing wrong.

Team 7 year old.

But what if angry Mom indirectly put the kid up to it? Still OK?

Have you ever tried to get a 7 year old to do something?

😂 pure gold.

[Anonymous]

The answer “because I’m tired” is confusing for a kid whose mom probably also says she is tired somewhat regularly, but still goes to work. An adult can’t expect a child to get nuance that “tired” means “untreated major depressive disorder”.