We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

I suggest he leans into his job, makes (a lot) more money, and you hire a lot more help to do all the household management stuff or allow you to go to part-time.

[Anonymous]

I would have your husband evaluated for depression. His slowness, tiredness, lack of motivation, and pessimistic thoughts about his career options are Ll indicators.

Hire more help and cut back kid activities. They don't really need that stuff.

[Anonymous]

We also have no family around to help. My husband has similar hours to yours. I would go to work the second the kids got on the bus, and leave at 5:30.

We just got through it (kids are a bit older, so that part got easier).

Here's what worked for us:
Kids activities are deferred to the weekends only. We had our young kids do the same activity, so it was done at the same time and place. Example - swim lessons were every Sunday morning.

Cooking dinner had a strict schedule of simple meals that take less then 30 minutes. A meal kit like Every Plate or Hello Fresh is easy, and pretty affordable. They arrive every week at your door step, no shopping involved.

Sunday - breakfast plus a bigger meal. Whomever stays home from swim practices does laundry and preps dinner meal.
Monday - leftovers
Tuesday through Thursday - Hello Fresh meal
Friday - order pizza

Saturday - open/out and about day

For other groceries, I place an order online during my lunch hour. Then my husband drives through Wegman's pick up lane (outside the store) and they put them in the trunk. That happens once a week on a scheduled day (Friday for us).

Amazon or Target also had deliveries and I do those during lunch.

Friday - house cleaners come through in the afternoon so everything is clean for the weekend. This costs $150 per week. You may be able to get away with every other week.

While one person cleans up from dinner, the other person starts kids on bathes/backpacks/bedtime routine. All homework was completed at after school program. Program ran until 6:30, so my husband usually had time to grab them from after school care, while I was home prepping dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine is a partner in big law. When his kids were young, he had a hard stop in the office at 5pm. From 5-8pm, he was unavailable. He would get online at 8pm and finish whatever work he needed to do. He clearly communicated his boundaries, people understood and respected them.

It's unfortunate this isn't the norm.

It can be the norm, but men have to step up and set the boundaries and not just expect their spouses to do everything.

OP, in terms of practical advice - given the lack of load your husband is carrying at home, working out every morning is a luxury. Could he shift workouts to Tues/Thurs and then also grab exercise time on the weekend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in your position and it turned out my now ex was fully exploiting me and taking advantage of my obvious and understandable distraction. But it was all my fault of course!

Then he cheated and I divorced him. Not what he wanted or expected.

This current situation is full of red flags. Start looking at your finances now.

Oh stop. There are no red flags, just the reality of two working parents including one in finance.

I suggest paring back on everything, no activities. After school nanny instead of after care. Plus, perhaps you can look for a new job OP.

[Anonymous]

Join some kind of carpool for your older child so that you don’t have to drop them off every morning.

Stop cooking. There are a lot of things you can buy pre-made or mostly made. A bag of salad, rice, and grilled chicken is a meal. So is spaghetti, jarred sauce, and frozen meatballs. They can get fruits and veggies other times. We had cherry tomatoes and baby carrots as a snack every day when my kids were little.

Your elementary schooler should be getting homework done in aftercare. Find out why that isn’t happening.

Take walks as a family for at least some of your exercise.

[Anonymous]

Work from home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine is a partner in big law. When his kids were young, he had a hard stop in the office at 5pm. From 5-8pm, he was unavailable. He would get online at 8pm and finish whatever work he needed to do. He clearly communicated his boundaries, people understood and respected them.

Her husband is an analyst so much lower rank than partner at a law firm. He probably doesn’t have a lot of leeway.

[Anonymous]

You should quit your job and be a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suggest he leans into his job, makes (a lot) more money, and you hire a lot more help to do all the household management stuff or allow you to go to part-time.

This. And become a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Go to the playground for dinner as often as possible. Kids get to play. You get to connect. And there is no cleanup.
Not every day is a holiday. It’s fine to have sandwiches or simple meals.

[Anonymous]

He has to do drop off or at the very least get the kids ready in the am for you to drop off... but really he needs to do drop off.
Mornings have a set breakfast: We did MW: Bagel with cream cheese T/Th waffles with peanut butter and F a hot pocket ... no discussion thought the kids set the menu, this changed over the years, some years was a yogurt with granola.

Friday you make a list of everything you need for the next week.
He does Amazon order/Target run, you do grocery shopping, once and only once a week.
Monday/T/W: Cook easy meals (tons of easy stuff that can be made quickly)
Th: Leftovers
F: Pizza or similar
Sat and Sun you should have mostly free except the 1.5 hours of Amazon/Grocery shopping.

Cleaning person 1x every 2 weeks.
1 load of Laundry goes in when you come home, dryer before bedtime routine, whoever is doing bedtime routine the other is cleaning up kitchen/laundry.

Home at 5, dinner at 6, you have chill time from 6-8, 8-8:30, time to self 9-10.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine is a partner in big law. When his kids were young, he had a hard stop in the office at 5pm. From 5-8pm, he was unavailable. He would get online at 8pm and finish whatever work he needed to do. He clearly communicated his boundaries, people understood and respected them.

It's unfortunate this isn't the norm.

It can be the norm, but men have to step up and set the boundaries and not just expect their spouses to do everything.

OP, in terms of practical advice - given the lack of load your husband is carrying at home, working out every morning is a luxury. Could he shift workouts to Tues/Thurs and then also grab exercise time on the weekend?

And that's not going to happen until women insist on it.
95% of the responses are telling op to do more or to a hire another woman to do more change her schedule or the kids. Her husband though not required to change a thing.

We tell other women not to expect more from their husbands so they don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even the Dads I know who work a ton do dropoff some. They may not make it home for dinner or evening stuff but they can go in late. He needs to take some mornings. You are doing too much.

Can you cut back on activities? Hire more help for evenings?

Yep. My husband has a demanding job but he can manage mornings. OP is being a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suggest he leans into his job, makes (a lot) more money, and you hire a lot more help to do all the household management stuff or allow you to go to part-time.

This. You are in a tough spot where while you both make good money, it is not amazing money for DC with kids, so you can't outsource enough to make life better. This was us a year ago. My DH leaned in and I leaned out (in the same job, just have been doing the bare minimum which is not really in my nature), he is making more money, and we are happier. I am looking for new jobs to take a step back.