We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever considered an au pair? Do you have the space for one?

[Anonymous]

Can he move his workout to lunch time and give you the morning time for working out? Can you get a home gym and wake up early like 5:15 am to squeeze in a 45 minute workout before the kids wake up?

[Anonymous]

I think you have few options
-He gets a big job, works the long hours and makes enough money for you to stay at home (300k? since you're already making 270k)
-You hire a nanny instead of daycare.
-He pushes back on work. There's no reason he can't leave at 4:30 or 5. If he gets in at 7, that's a 9.5 or 10 hour day! If he won't do that, he needs to do kid drop off. He can workout on his lunch hour.

Men often use work as an excuse to not be home during the worst hours of the day with kids: 5-7pm. Everyone knows those are the hard hours and it's a lot to get dinner on the table while they scream when there's only one parent.

[Anonymous]

Seconding the suggestion from above to get take-out several nights, or some meal delivery service, or meal plan and prep (and freeze some) on weekends.

You should be able to have both weekend days to get some workouts and extra sleep in, since that seems to be short for you during the week (and presumably spouse has extra weekend time).

When you talk to your spouse about the fact that you feel overwhelmed, what does he say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would get an after school nanny - who picks your kids up from school before aftercare, handles the 5 minutes of homework, and makes a meal. It may not be super cheap (or it may be -- in our southern town, it's easy to find college students who will handle this easy gig), but so what if you spend all your aftertax income for a few years on childcare? I don't think it would be anywhere near that much, but still. Seems like a good answer, right. Then you're just left with mornings to wrangle the kids, which doesn't seem like a huge ask. Most dual working families have one parent manage mornings.

I agree with this. I only have one kid but I work
Until 6pm and get home at 630 ( not everyday).my spouse works 4-midnight 5 days a week. Our sitter supervises homework, feeds her dinner, drives her to activity if need be. It’s a huge help.

[Anonymous]

What would he do if you two got divorced? Never see his kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even the Dads I know who work a ton do dropoff some. They may not make it home for dinner or evening stuff but they can go in late. He needs to take some mornings. You are doing too much.

Can you cut back on activities? Hire more help for evenings?

Yep. My husband has a demanding job but he can manage mornings. OP is being a doormat.

Same. My dh does morning drop off. Which enables me to get to work at the crack of dawn so that I can leave earlier for pickup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine is a partner in big law. When his kids were young, he had a hard stop in the office at 5pm. From 5-8pm, he was unavailable. He would get online at 8pm and finish whatever work he needed to do. He clearly communicated his boundaries, people understood and respected them.

It's unfortunate this isn't the norm.

Unless you are working on a different time zone or a very intense job that better pay waaaay more than OP’s husband is making you don’t have to make an announcement. You just log off at 5, let anyone who you are working with know you will be back on at 8. If you do a good job, no one cares.

My husband is also a partner and he does this 6-8:30. I work a more flexible job, sign off no later than 4 but get back on when I need to.

But OP’s husband doesn’t get to work out every morning and not help ever with drop off and pick up. That’s ridiculous when OP has to scramble to do lunch time workouts. He needs to take the kids to school at least 2x per week. And maybe get evaluated for ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Alternate morning duties. He doesn't need to work out every single day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Alternate morning duties. He doesn't need to work out every single day.

This. Let him jam his workout into his lunch break sometimes.

I bet he needs the workout to manage his ADHD or depression though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in your position and it turned out my now ex was fully exploiting me and taking advantage of my obvious and understandable distraction. But it was all my fault of course!

Then he cheated and I divorced him. Not what he wanted or expected.

This current situation is full of red flags. Start looking at your finances now.

Oh stop. There are no red flags, just the reality of two working parents including one in finance.

I suggest paring back on everything, no activities. After school nanny instead of after care. Plus, perhaps you can look for a new job OP.

I totally disagree. All jumped out at me:

Guy is making $160K and doing no drop off, no pick up, and no dinner. Unless he’s on a strict upward trajectory in finance and this is only temporary, he’s not making enough money to justify being this checked out.

He still prioritizes workers while OP is drowning.

His response to all this is to say he “regrets having kids”.

None of this is good.

[Anonymous]

Also move allll mental load stuff to a block on the weekend. 2 hours you can bang that stuff out. You can hire someone to spend a couple hours with your kids and you get that time to exercise or something. I always wanted to get my kids home as quickly as possible on school nights to let them relax and have time together but if you are spending a whole weekend together they barely notice a few hours with a sitter.

Instead you go to bed earlier and get your workout time in earlier unless you need to work. Otherwise you plan on an hour of work each night M-Th and he gets home earlier

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in your position and it turned out my now ex was fully exploiting me and taking advantage of my obvious and understandable distraction. But it was all my fault of course!

Then he cheated and I divorced him. Not what he wanted or expected.

This current situation is full of red flags. Start looking at your finances now.

Oh stop. There are no red flags, just the reality of two working parents including one in finance.

I suggest paring back on everything, no activities. After school nanny instead of after care. Plus, perhaps you can look for a new job OP.

I totally disagree. All jumped out at me:

Guy is making $160K and doing no drop off, no pick up, and no dinner. Unless he’s on a strict upward trajectory in finance and this is only temporary, he’s not making enough money to justify being this checked out.

He still prioritizes workers while OP is drowning.

His response to all this is to say he “regrets having kids”.

None of this is good.

Talking about regrets, all-or-nothing attitude, rigidity, refusal to problem-solves, are hallmarks of depression. As is being really self-focused.

He needs to accept that he doesn't earn enough money to behave like this. It's hard for some men to wrap their heads around that disappointment, but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in your position and it turned out my now ex was fully exploiting me and taking advantage of my obvious and understandable distraction. But it was all my fault of course!

Then he cheated and I divorced him. Not what he wanted or expected.

This current situation is full of red flags. Start looking at your finances now.

Oh stop. There are no red flags, just the reality of two working parents including one in finance.

I suggest paring back on everything, no activities. After school nanny instead of after care. Plus, perhaps you can look for a new job OP.

I totally disagree. All jumped out at me:

Guy is making $160K and doing no drop off, no pick up, and no dinner. Unless he’s on a strict upward trajectory in finance and this is only temporary, he’s not making enough money to justify being this checked out.

He still prioritizes workers while OP is drowning.

His response to all this is to say he “regrets having kids”.

None of this is good.

. Saying he regrets having kids is terrible, especially when OP is the one handling all the responsibilities

[Anonymous]

It gets better as they get older. Can you afford extra help in the mornings or afternoons? I served very simple meals when the kids were little and joined a carpool when they hit elementary.