We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is running quite the con here. He does his best and you do ALL the rest. That is madness. He can cut working out two mornings a week. He can do laundry, meal prep, etc on the weekend. You can tell him you will divorce over this.

You'd better mean it. He might take you up on the offer.

If they divorce, what’s he going to do? Never see his kids? Figure out some alternate workout/work schedule when he has them?

Then you are making an empty threat.

[Anonymous]

These are the hard years. And it looks like you are trying to stick to a routine with normal core hours when there is just not enough time in the day. Our roles were reversed where I was working crazy hours and spouse had more flexibility. But given social roles, I still had half of the childcare, grocery, cooking, primary on cleaning (DH would do dishes and laundry but not bathrooms, vacuuming, etc.), camp scheduling, doctors appointments, etc. Not sustainable.

Further, some of these suggestions are helpful, but didn’t work for me. I found having a housekeeper to be more stressful than helpful (tidying up and scheduling would fall on me), and same for hiring drop/pickup rather than using aftercare. Plus, they are more expensive and that didn’t help the stress levels. So you need to take these suggestions and figure out what works for you. So, here are a few more suggestions to choose from:

First, be okay with not being mom of the year. Figure out what is important and focus on those things. I got a Roomba ($175) and rotated some instant type meals (e.g., microwave mashed potatoes, using more tin foil to reduce dishes), and stopped folding my kids clothes (if they are in the right drawer, good enough). We do grocery pickup most weeks - set the order and someone picks it up on the way back from work (10 minute detour instead of an hour trip). Small things to make the day easier. Next, I am not sure everyone gets to work out every day. Or at least not in a way that is not multitasking. Perhaps he gets three morning workouts and does drop off two days. I have increased my workouts now that my kids are older, but I also do them when shuttling to extracurriculars. We reduced the extra curricular to a few core ones and consolidated one so the kids workout time is my workout time.

Finally, work gets done when it is most efficient. I had that law firm job where I worked from 7-5 (I eased back to share in the drop offs), came home for dinner/bath, and then logged back on. But now that I have taken an in-house job, I have more flexibility but am still working 50-60 hours. But those extra hours are early in the morning, or early morning on weekends. And when I have a family event, I have a conflict. I know there is no way I can sit down and have 50 hours of uninterrupted time and have time for my family. So I get up at 5:30am, bang out emails for an hour and start the dropoff routine at 6:30 when the kids start to wake up. I am available for my clients and move my quiet time work to times when no one will need me (family or clients).

Not all of this will work for you and you and your husband are going to have to flex (because it can’t be all you). Most of my male colleagues do some drop off or pickup regardless of what their spouse makes. Only the ones that have stay at homes or have a clear division of labor do the workout, work, newspaper when I get home bit. But see if you can find ways to reduce the stress and as your kids get older, it will get easier.

[Anonymous]

Just STOP doing everything. You are letting him off the hook and he is taking advantage of you

[Anonymous]

What is he doing for exercise? If he’s going to the gym, I’d look into buying some home equipment. Saves the drive time plus can ride a peloton or run on treadmill with kids in the room.

[Anonymous]

He does NOT need to be working out in the morning during drop off time 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It gets better as they get older. Can you afford extra help in the mornings or afternoons? I served very simple meals when the kids were little and joined a carpool when they hit elementary.

NP. Disagree. It is much harder when they start doing extracurricular activities.

Then you need have to limit them to accommodate your household if you can't afford help.

No. If you want a kid to excel at anything, there is a significant time commitment. Even 1 activity can eat up several evenings/weekenfs. If there is more than one kid, even a once a week activity is now at least on two days a week

And that's why there are so many divorces.

This has nothing to do with divorce.
My parents are married.
I am divorced. We do this married or divorced. It literally does not matter. Busy 5-7 days week except summer. It is the way it is.

I'd cut back on the extracurriculars before threatening my spouse with divorce.

What are you talking about? This is nothing to do with divorce. Parenting is harder after kindergarten. Period. The same routine is going to happen no matter the marital status. This had nothing to do with divorcing.

The comment was made in response to an earlier one that Op should threaten divorce if her DH doesn’t do more.

Oh. That is stupid.

[Anonymous]

Definitely consider an au pair. We had them from ages 3/5- 8/10ish and it was really helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to do more. Even if he is gone when dinner has to be cooked, he can cook chili or a meal like that on Sunday to be eaten Monday, etc.

It is ridiculous that you do all pickup drop off cooking dinner. It is not fair

He needs to do more or hire someone

+1 he doesn't earn enough to foist all this on you.

Is he required to be in the office 5 days a week? That's too much for that salary level. He should look for a new job with more flexibility. WFH makes all the difference in making working and parenting possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine is a partner in big law. When his kids were young, he had a hard stop in the office at 5pm. From 5-8pm, he was unavailable. He would get online at 8pm and finish whatever work he needed to do. He clearly communicated his boundaries, people understood and respected them.

It's unfortunate this isn't the norm.

Unless you are working on a different time zone or a very intense job that better pay waaaay more than OP’s husband is making you don’t have to make an announcement. You just log off at 5, let anyone who you are working with know you will be back on at 8. If you do a good job, no one cares.

My husband is also a partner and he does this 6-8:30. I work a more flexible job, sign off no later than 4 but get back on when I need to.

But OP’s husband doesn’t get to work out every morning and not help ever with drop off and pick up. That’s ridiculous when OP has to scramble to do lunch time workouts. He needs to take the kids to school at least 2x per week. And maybe get evaluated for ADHD.

+1 I make way more than OP DH but this is what I do. Sign off at 5 and check email and catch up after 8. It's one of the upsides of the young kids bedtime and schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I don't get is how your DH can work out every morning and leave all the work to you. My DH is a partner in big law. He works insane hours. But when he is home he helps with the morning routine, same with the evenings. He works out after the kids go to bed before he logs back in and works till like 10:30/11pm.

FWIW he makes way more than your DH and I make way more than you and we have more kids. But we have definitely figured out how to work and do all of our home responsibilities. So it can be done.

+1 this first sentence. He's an a-hole for just dumping all this on OP and thinking it's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs to do more. Even if he is gone when dinner has to be cooked, he can cook chili or a meal like that on Sunday to be eaten Monday, etc.

It is ridiculous that you do all pickup drop off cooking dinner. It is not fair

He needs to do more or hire someone

+1 he doesn't earn enough to foist all this on you.

Is he required to be in the office 5 days a week? That's too much for that salary level. He should look for a new job with more flexibility. WFH makes all the difference in making working and parenting possible.

I find that men who are used to not doing the home kid stuff don’t automatically do more.

I have a friend who was a SAHM and did everything. She went back to work so her husband would help more. Guess what? He told her to hire as much help as she wants but he doesn’t ever want to be asked to do any housework. He does help drive kids around. I often see him around at games and school dropping kids off. They have 3 kids, just like us so we are always juggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have few options
-He gets a big job, works the long hours and makes enough money for you to stay at home (300k? since you're already making 270k)
-You hire a nanny instead of daycare.
-He pushes back on work. There's no reason he can't leave at 4:30 or 5. If he gets in at 7, that's a 9.5 or 10 hour day! If he won't do that, he needs to do kid drop off. He can workout on his lunch hour.

Men often use work as an excuse to not be home during the worst hours of the day with kids: 5-7pm. Everyone knows those are the hard hours and it's a lot to get dinner on the table while they scream when there's only one parent.

Yep. Agree entirely.

Why are people thinking this guy can suddenly get a job that pays almost 2x his current salary?? That's an option that can be executed immediately? Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have few options
-He gets a big job, works the long hours and makes enough money for you to stay at home (300k? since you're already making 270k)
-You hire a nanny instead of daycare.
-He pushes back on work. There's no reason he can't leave at 4:30 or 5. If he gets in at 7, that's a 9.5 or 10 hour day! If he won't do that, he needs to do kid drop off. He can workout on his lunch hour.

Men often use work as an excuse to not be home during the worst hours of the day with kids: 5-7pm. Everyone knows those are the hard hours and it's a lot to get dinner on the table while they scream when there's only one parent.

Yep. Agree entirely.

Why are people thinking this guy can suddenly get a job that pays almost 2x his current salary?? That's an option that can be executed immediately? Lol.

OP said he used to have a 500-600k job. Op seems fine with less pay and how he doesn’t help out. I hope he is really hot with all this working out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would make sense for you to reduce your work hours to part-time. If you hire more help, the cost coming out of your net pay is more than the gross pay you earn during that time.

Your lifestyle is not sustainable. I'm sorry you are going through this.
Mothers of young children should only work part-time, for the sanity and happiness of all family members.

Disagree. This DH is a dud and a lot of DWs take on all of it and enable that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have kept him in the $500-600k job, to be honest.

He now seems to be in the worst of all worlds- not earning an amazing salary but too busy to pick up his shsre of the house work.

This. What was the point of leaving the harder job if he still can’t pull his weight?

Totally agree. I have a DH who made a similar move but now he really is 50/50 on kid and house stuff, and it's allowed my own career to progress too.