DH wants me to cheat
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Anonymous
| Shut to. |
Anonymous
I think people are trying to provide prospective to OP. The title of her posts….”cheat”. Indicatetes that she most likely was not aware of this kink. As communication is paramount here, most couples in this lifestyle are 100% against cheating, but 100% for letting their partner be satisfied by someone else heather they gain satisfaction from it or not. So through the lense of cheating and betrayal OP may be disgusted, through the lens of mutual satisfaction she may be for it. My point is she apparently didn’t know the latter was a lens she could look. And I fully admit she may very well may not like looking through that lens as well. |
Anonymous
| Nasty AF. |
Anonymous
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It grosses me out there are actual, seemingly normal married couples out there that are into this crap.
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Anonymous
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This is not like asking OP to wear a sexy dress or high heels. This fetish goes directly to the marital commitment, and it may well feel like cheating to OP. She has said she is not interested and that DH idid not notice her discomfort because he was so excited just talking about it.
Since it involves another man there are undertones - DH either wants to be humiliated by other men, and has eroticized that, or he wants the admiration of other men (hotwifing) and in either case wants to use his wife's BODY in reality or fantasy to obtain that. The more he thinks about it the more those pathways of arousal are ingrained. None of the above speaks of a psychologically healthy man or a secure, emotionally connected marriage. He should have been attuned to her discomfort. For everyone cheering on kinks, if you can't see that his arousal being linked to feelings he gets from another man, basically using his wife as an unwilling object in a triangle, in practice or fantasy, is not part of a healthy hetero marriage, you are willfully not looking. There is also a fetish/paraphilia of pushing women's boundaries, that may well be in play too. He may be aroused by the idea of her humiliation as well as his. Other men dominating him and him dominating her. Not in a fun, playful way, but linked to humiliation. OP, your marriage is not likely to go the distance. Prepare accordingly. He may well keep pushing the envelope, so don't do anything you are not completely comfortable with and aroused by yourself, it likely won't matter in the end. Getting his T tested and getting off the porn may be helpful but are not things you can control. It's sleazy. And his indifference to his wife's distress is not something that should be forgotten. If you don't have kids with this guy, move on. |
Anonymous
Agree, it is really gross. Him pushing this on her, getting "excited" even talking about it, and making her feel uncomfortable and afraid he will leave her if she doesn't go along is reprehensible. The "it's a healthy fetish not cheating" crowd, you are playing word games. OP takes her marital commitment to this slimeball seriously. The behavior, in reality or fantasy, is the same. If OP could only get off thinking of another woman in there bed, issue would be the same, but without the humiliation of the spouse aspect. Not all fetishes should be cheered on. Porn on phones has not been great for society or relationships. OP, if you do not work, make a plan to start. Weak, porn addled, thinking about other men guys are not people you can count on. Especially the ones who are callous and manipulative and think with their d&ck. I'm sorry. It's clear all of this distresses you and has come as a shock. Listen to your gut on this one. I could not respect a man who would propose this to his wife and mom of his kids, then just try to override her being opposed. So many here are trying to push her boundaries too. It's disgusting and rape culture. Everyone saying, well, gets me off too, if you can't see the difference between yourself and DW you are just posting in an exhibitionist way. Your interest is not the same as her being majorly uncomfortable. Kinksters are always banging on about "consent" but many posters here seem to see it as something to keep pushing on. OP, if your DH wants to play head games with other dudes, he does not need to use your feelings or body as an object in the game. |
Anonymous
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If both partners are not into it and aroused by it, it's a no. Your DH needs to respect that.
If his fetishes impact your respect for him and your sense of his respect for the marriage, you have some choices to make. This is not common. It does make your DH seem both weak and manipulative of you to most people. Don't do anything to try to hang onto this man that you would have a hard time living with. I'm so sorry. It's clear even being party to his excitement talking about it was upsetting to you and made you feel scared and pressured. Not sexy and not caring. When people show you who they are, OP, believe them. |
Anonymous
It weirds me out that there are actual, seemingly normal couples out there that aren’t having sex at all. For years. We all have different levels of what we would be comfortable with in a marriage. Some people are okay with periodically engaging in kinky behavior. Some people aren’t even okay with missionary style sex. |
Anonymous
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Men who truly value their wives are not engaging in fantasies of another man in their bed, whether it's to humiliate him or humiliate her. People with a genuine regard for their marriage vows are not repeatedly fantasizing about breaking them and j&rking off to it.
Men who have a strong emotional intimacy with their wives notice when she is "majorly uncomfortable" and don't value their h&ard on more in the moment. Her being "majorly uncomfortable" and anxious did not dim his arousal. If it enhanced it, another problem and disturbing. Everyone where both parties get off on a shared fetish, not the same as OP. None of this seems like the kind of man or marriage that OP can count on. Some fantasies should not become primary, they can come with consequences. Had DH brought it up in a different way, more indirectly, and paid attention to her discomfort, no harm, no foul. Here, she was already forced to participate in his "excitement" about the idea when visibly uncomfortable. Men who find that even more arousing are NOT good DH material. Really hope you don't have kids, OP, the dynamic you described between the 2 of you is not healthy for you. Are there other ways he pushes your boundaries or uses the threat of leaving to control or manipulate, even non-verbally? |
Anonymous
+1 This is absolutely true. |
Anonymous
| Race is an extremely common element of this fetish, OP. Has your DH raised that as part of his kink? |
Anonymous
This particular fetish involves eroticizing humiliation by a 3rd party, in practice or fantasy of one or both partners. For those who are very committed to monogamy it can be deeply uncomfortable and many don't find humiliation of self or partner, or an element of coercion, to be arousing. There are kinks that can be mutually shared that do not go directly to the foundation of the marriage. Eroticizing sex with someone outside the marriage can be consented to but word games don't change the reality. Nor do articles in the media or a lot of time spent on P*ornhub or F&tlife. All kinks should not be indulged, at least not frequently. Doing so creates some really powerful neural pathways that are continually deepened. DH did not find his wife's "major discomfort" and anxiety about being abandoned a boner killer. No one can say that is healthy, mutual, etc. If DH keeps going down this path it may spill over into other areas of his life, like the soldier telling work colleagues about his c*ck exploits to further his humiliation. Therapy for DH would be healthier and more likely to result in a stable earning capacity. Once he was more self aware and thinking with his big head, OP could re-assess him as a partner. People do not think highly of people like her DH, it's instinctive. Not only is he a weak man seeking to be humiliated by another man (possibly with a racial element, super common), he is also bullying his DW. Gross on every level. OP do not let your boundaries slip to try to hang onto weak trash. If you feel uncomfortable, honor that feeling. If you feel he is not seeing your feelings, plan accordingly. |
Anonymous
https://www.merckmanuals.com/home/mental-health-disorders/paraphilias-and-paraphilic-disorders/overview-of-paraphilias-and-paraphilic-disorders His visible excitement and arousal even talking about his fetish despite your discomfort is a big red flag, OP. Tread carefully and have a backup plan. You should not have to engage in sex with a 3rd, in practice or fantasy, to keep a marriage to a good man. Your DH may not be one. In that case, nothing you do or don't do will change that fact. For everyone pushing this, how is it ok for OP to feel pushed into sex with a 3rd party for his kicks, where if it was for money he'd be called a pimp? Even talking about role playing got him going while it was very upsetting to her. That should matter and those saying it doesn't are no better than her DH. Pushing other people's boundaries through implied economic coercion is not ok and it is not sexy. Even hearing him talk about it distressed OP, he did not notice or it got him off. Both partners willingly engaging in an act is not relevant to OP's circumstances. |
Anonymous
So, your issue with this is that her husband didn’t read her mind and know she was uncomfortable? I don’t know, pp. My husband and I enjoy sex, but it isn’t “the foundation of our marriage.” It seems really kind of twisted to say that your marriage is FOUNDED on sex, and that this is the most important thing in your marriage, and then to refuse to even TALK about sex that you haven’t previously consented to (in your mind, but not verbally out loud, because you don’t talk about it). That seems like a marriage built on sand. |
Anonymous
| Most people view marriage as based on MONOGOMY, PP. A concept that is addressed in the actual CEREMONY. |