Parents who waited on giving phones, tell me your ways

[Anonymous]

I’m have a young tween and several in the class already have them, and DC has asked for one.

For those who have successfully held out until kids were in 8th or older, how have you done it? Just a simple no, shown them the research, tried to find similar-minded parents of peers (how?). Any advice on how you did it would be awesome.

[Anonymous]

Give some other "reward" for your child be okay with holding off. It's very hard on them socially but you could say "let's plan a special outing with friends or host a sleepover" -- something to make them feel like they are getting rewarded for holding off.

[Anonymous]

My older child, now 15, didn’t get a phone until halfway through 8th grade. She had an iPod that allowed her to text friends at home, but it never left the house. It was never really an issue. She never complained. She still rarely looks at her phone when we’re out and about. (Still no social media.)

Younger sibling is in 7th grade and has no phone. He can text friends on an old iPad at home. He’ll probably get a phone before 8th grade starts, but he never asks for one or complains, either.

I don’t know, no trick to it. Just don’t buy one.

[Anonymous]

I offer limited amounts of time at home on a family device for chatting with friends. That's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My older child, now 15, didn’t get a phone until halfway through 8th grade. She had an iPod that allowed her to text friends at home, but it never left the house. It was never really an issue. She never complained. She still rarely looks at her phone when we’re out and about. (Still no social media.)

Younger sibling is in 7th grade and has no phone. He can text friends on an old iPad at home. He’ll probably get a phone before 8th grade starts, but he never asks for one or complains, either.

I don’t know, no trick to it. Just don’t buy one.

New poster here.
Just curious-was there ever a time where she was out and needed to reach you (her parent?) Like if there was an after school club and it finished up earlier than the typical time, and she wanted to call you and ask you to come get her? Because that kind of thing came up with my kids when they were in middle/early high school a lot. Back in my day, there were payphones at school, but none of those around anymore....

[Anonymous]

A phone is really no different than a computer or iPad except with cellular. We got it for our convince to communicate. They only have it out of the house. We ended up waiting till 8th only because our kid was virtual for 6 and 7th so not a huge need.

[Anonymous]

They complained a lot about it.
We do have a family flip phone they can take if they are out and need to reach us.
And starting in 7th they got an old smart phone that had to stay home and only har WiFi (no data) so they could text friends.
No full smart phone with data until 8th.
I think we are in the minority and just have to be OK with that. You have to be confident that it is right for your kid and your family and not worry about what others are doing.

[Anonymous]

Oldest kid did not have any friends who had phones early, so there were no group chats to keep up with. The kids whose parents got them phones in elementary are part of a whole different crowd. High intensity, competitive parenting crowd that is very focused on kids' social lives and tons of extracurricular activities.

[Anonymous]

I said no repeatedly and kept my word. You can't be afraid of disappointing or upsetting your children. You're the adult, they're the child. You're in charge, not them.

[Anonymous]

"No. If you show that you're mature enough, maybe you'll get one at the end of 8th grade. Proving maturity means not whining when you don't get what you want, doing what you're supposed to without needing to be told, keeping track of your things and taking good care of your things."

[Anonymous]

You can get them an Apple Watch so you can track them and they can call you. I feel like that’s the main reason i need them to have a phone.
iPad at home where they can text their friends and not be out of the loop.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to say something that people might not like.

My one kid that didn't have a ton of friends and wasn't very social didn't fight it very hard.

My other kid who is very social and tends to be a bit more concerned with social status fought it HARD. It was awful. And yes, it does hurt them socially if they are very social. There's no tricks, it's just hard.

[Anonymous]

Apple Watch to text friends, so I really don’t feel like kid is deprived (in 7th). We’ve just said no to a phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give some other "reward" for your child be okay with holding off. It's very hard on them socially but you could say "let's plan a special outing with friends or host a sleepover" -- something to make them feel like they are getting rewarded for holding off.

I don't really understand this. You reward your child for doing something they could choose not to do or not doing something they would choose to do. But in this case, presumably it's the parent who is "holding off", the child isn't making a choice.

Certainly, if you're going to withhold some of primary ways that kids this age socialize you'll want to provide other ways for them to socialize, and hosting outings or sleepovers are great ways to do that, and to lessen the feeling of being left out, but they aren't rewards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something that people might not like.

My one kid that didn't have a ton of friends and wasn't very social didn't fight it very hard.

My other kid who is very social and tends to be a bit more concerned with social status fought it HARD. It was awful. And yes, it does hurt them socially if they are very social. There's no tricks, it's just hard.

I will attempt to be more specific.

Social kid got a watch. He really resented not being able to face time. (We did not just have an ipad at home which in my view is just a phone at home so why bother just give them a phone.) They all face time and no one speaks via just audio. His watch would often wear out battery he was out and about so long with friends. So at some point we would not be able to reach him or be able to see where he was. At some point all of them were on snapchat and he wasn't. He showed me. They were in fact all on snapchat.