Tiger parent's mean comment about my daughter

[Anonymous]

My best friend's son (N) and my son (both 14) are best friends. We do a lot together and are all very close.
I also have an older daughter (16). Today she told me that N told her at a recent event that "my dad thinks you're dumb (or stupid?) because you don't do anything and you're always on your phone." and apparently "you don't want to be like her" (my daughter). Background is that N is a child who is aiming to get into Harvard and already has a resume 2 miles long of all his extracurriculars, awards, honors, and academic achievements.
My son confirmed that N also told him that his father "thought she was dumb", but then said his father took it back after he realized all the AP classes my daughter is taking (whatever that means).

I am SO mad! How dare he talk about my daughter like that?! I have never been anything but supportive of my best friend's (often annoying) children in everything they do. Furthermore, my daughter is amazing. She does well in school, has many activities she is involved in, is a leader in her school, and is well-loved. We just don't feel the need to broadcast her achievements to everyone.

I don't want to ruin my relationship with my best friend, or my son's friendship with N, but I do want to ask my best friend WTF her husband's issue is and never talk about my daughter again. Furthermore, my son is even more laid back than my daughter, so I'm sure he has said condescending things about him as well. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Really, at 2 in the morning? Nice troll attempt.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he meant it's dumb to be on your phone all the time. But even if he didn't, so what. People make comments. Get over it. I wouldn't say anything to anyone.

[Anonymous]

You called their kid annoying. I think your best friend should ask you WTF your issue is and never talk about their son again.

Or you could just let the comment go. It looks like all of the adults in this scenario talk negatively about the kids in the scenario. Try to do better.

[Anonymous]

You heard something through the grapevine passed through a teenaged boys lips and you're taking it seriously? JFC. None of these kids have 'achieved' anything anyway, they're in school. None of these kids are amazing for what they're doing in school. If they were, they wouldn't need to have 2 mile long resumes of poking 5000 activities with a stick to get into harvard.

[Anonymous]

The comments would bother me, but consider the source (14 year old boys). I would also think about your DD’s interaction with this family. Do you force her to go to these family outings? If she attends and is bored, she plays on her phone so why do you make her go? Lastly, if you want to talk to anyone, TALK TO THE HUSBAND, not the wife.

[Anonymous]

You’re calling your own best friend a tiger parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re calling your own best friend a tiger parent?

To be fair it sounds like an apt description. I have a friend who is a self described tiger mom. Some people wear that as a badge of honor, including the part where they can be really hard on their kids.

[Anonymous]

You let this go.

And if you must consider ruminating on it, consider-

1. Have you ever used anything about another child as a comparison or example to demonstrate something to your kid? Another child spends too much time on their phone? Another child is behaving like a poor sport? Another child procrastinated on a project and it came back to bite them?

2. Really, have you ever said anything less than flattering about another child to your own? The clothes they wear? Their manners? The way they treated a friend?

3. Do you really think you are getting an accurate picture of what was actually said by this dad third hand from your own children, filtered through another child?

And then try again to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Clearly, this family has different values than yours. The parents certainly aren't modeling decent behavior. You will meet a lot of people like that at your kids' schools. Just keep them at arms length, and subtly encourage your son to hang out with kids from nicer families.

Confronting people rarely works. They aren't going to have an epiphany and become better people because of something you said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clearly, this family has different values than yours. The parents certainly aren't modeling decent behavior. You will meet a lot of people like that at your kids' schools. Just keep them at arms length, and subtly encourage your son to hang out with kids from nicer families.

Confronting people rarely works. They aren't going to have an epiphany and become better people because of something you said.

I don't disagree with this, but there is nuance here because this is OP's "best friend's" family. So not just another family from school, and the relationship with the family sounds like it started with OP's close relationship with the mom, as opposed to the kids becoming friends.

I still think OP needs to recognize that there may be value differences between the families, and especially with the dad/her BF's husband. It sounds like he might be there more intense parents, and also likely the less discrete one, as a more thoughtful person might have considered that the way these families are intertwined would make it more likely than not that his comments about OP's DD would get back to them.

I'm betting this dad is like this all the time, actually. That he says competitive, comparative things frequently, has a tendency to say things when the family gathers that annoy OP, and just generally is not her cup of tea. I feel this way about one of my close friend's husbands, and like OP, our families have some kids who are same age and are friends. I know my friend's DH is very competitive about his kid as compared to mine, and sometimes this competition does slip out with him saying things that internally annoy me.

We've even had conversations with our own kids to the extent of "we don't always approach things the same way as Larla's family and that's okay, you don't have to take everything Larla's dad says to heart." I am sure they've had similar conversations about our family, including potentially some critical things about our parenting approach or our kids. That's fine, I feel totally at peace with our choices and silently judge some of theirs, so this does not offend me.

Confronting the dad about this would turn the whole thing into a big deal. Instead, just talk to your own kids, explain that you strongly disagree with whatever the other family is saying about your DD (and acknowledge you don't actually know what has been said because of the game of telephone here), but that you guys are going to do your thing and they can do their thing and it will all shake out in the end. Don't create conflict with a family that you are involved with on multiple levels just to put this guy in his place. It won't be worth it and the most likely scenario is that your friend will come to his defense and you friendship will be over or at least forever changed.

[Anonymous]

Are you going to do anything about your daughter's screen addiction? It also means she might be spending too much time on social media. Are you sure you are fully aware of all her social media accounts? That dad might know more than you do, because his kids tell him and she hides her activities less when youre is not around.

[Anonymous]

Gertrude, did you take your pills today?

[Anonymous]

If your kid’s always on her phone I wouldn’t want my kids to end up like that either. I think they have a fair point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your kid’s always on her phone I wouldn’t want my kids to end up like that either. I think they have a fair point.

+1 Your outrage is silly, OP.