Tiger parent's mean comment about my daughter

[Anonymous]

Recap: The dad said something mean, the son gossiped about it to his friend, his friend told his mom, and mom told all of DCUM.

Gossip is toxic. Everyone involved is guilty.

[Anonymous]

I think how egregious this is depends on context. One version of this story is N wanted something or wanted to do something phone or tech related and parents said no. N says “OP’s DD has or does that.” N’s dad says “OP’s DD spends all of her time on her phone, that’s stupid and you don’t want to be like that.” Is that nice? No. Is it egregious? Not really. I’m sure many of us have said something like that offhand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think how egregious this is depends on context. One version of this story is N wanted something or wanted to do something phone or tech related and parents said no. N says “OP’s DD has or does that.” N’s dad says “OP’s DD spends all of her time on her phone, that’s stupid and you don’t want to be like that.” Is that nice? No. Is it egregious? Not really. I’m sure many of us have said something like that offhand.

N should know better than to repeat that stuff to the girl. That was pretty cruel. You can't unhear something someone said about you, and are entitled to act accordingly and not hang out with people who badmouth you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You called their kid annoying. I think your best friend should ask you WTF your issue is and never talk about their son again.

Or you could just let the comment go. It looks like all of the adults in this scenario talk negatively about the kids in the scenario. Try to do better.

+1
You sound really condescending towards the other child yourself. Be an adult.

[Anonymous]

Our DD is stuck to her phone and if someone said she looks dumb and don't be like her I wouldn't blink an eye.

She's an all A student with lots of extracurriculars so I'm not insecure about her achievements but she does spend way too much time on her phone which is not good for her ability to continue doing well and not good for what others think of her. It's been a constant battle in our family to get her to stop.

Why are you so upset again OP?

[Anonymous]

I swear half the moms on here take their social cues from Real Housewives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s amazing how this post got responses steadily all night long from 2 am until now. No other post on the board did!

Not everyone is in the DMV time zone. I am in California and read this post around midnight my time.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I’m in a different time zone than the rest of DCUM. It was not 2 am for me.

To clarify—my DD is not on her phone that much, which is partly whey this comment bothers me so much (I can see her screen time). But I’m more upset that he called her dumb and that she doesn’t “do anything” meaning her grades/extracurriculars. First of all, it’s none of his business. Second, he doesn't know my daughter’s grades (excellent) or what activities my daughter is involved in. Third, even if you have these private conversations/comparisons at home, don’t go blabbing it to the person you’re trashing. My DD is working incredibly hard
in her junior year, thinking about college, and this must have felt awful to hear this. Honestly, I wouldn’t care if this was some random person, but these are our friends. The husband is outwardly kind/respectful, but very competitive. I don’t want to expose my kids to scenarios and people where they are being judged or called stupid/dumb because of this dad’s college admissions criteria.
I don’t want to blow up friendships over this but I am upset for my daughter and want to somehow get across that they should leave my daughter out of their gossip.

[Anonymous]

No matter how you slice it, your family's relationship with their's is already sour, you both look down upon each other's parenting and kids. N's honest or tattletale comment only highlighted it. Its up to you to confront or let go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m in a different time zone than the rest of DCUM. It was not 2 am for me.

To clarify—my DD is not on her phone that much, which is partly whey this comment bothers me so much (I can see her screen time). But I’m more upset that he called her dumb and that she doesn’t “do anything” meaning her grades/extracurriculars. First of all, it’s none of his business. Second, he doesn't know my daughter’s grades (excellent) or what activities my daughter is involved in. Third, even if you have these private conversations/comparisons at home, don’t go blabbing it to the person you’re trashing. My DD is working incredibly hard
in her junior year, thinking about college, and this must have felt awful to hear this. Honestly, I wouldn’t care if this was some random person, but these are our friends. The husband is outwardly kind/respectful, but very competitive. I don’t want to expose my kids to scenarios and people where they are being judged or called stupid/dumb because of this dad’s college admissions criteria.
I don’t want to blow up friendships over this but I am upset for my daughter and want to somehow get across that they should leave my daughter out of their gossip.

I get where you are coming form but I do think trying to talk to them about it will cause more drama when what you need is less.

I'd focus on talking to your daughter and making it clear to her that you give this assessment exactly 0 credence. Point out to her that it was shared with her second hand by a 14 yr old boy, who I'm sure your DD knows by now is unlikely to be a very reliable narrator. Make sure she knows that you believe in her and would never in a million years call her dumb. And, since she's nearing adulthood, maybe offer the info that this is unlikely to be the last time someone says something cruel and untrue about her behind her back, and one of the best skills she can develop is the ability to shake it off and move on. Even if these are family friends, this guy's opinion of her doesn't matter and may stem from other factors that have nothing to do with your daughter (he was just in a bad mood that day, he overreacted to seeing her on her phone once, he's jealous of your family, he's defensive about his own kids, etc. etc.). This is a good chance for her to learn the difference between criticism you should take to heart, and criticism you should ignore.

As far as your friends, I might just be a bit more circumspect about what I share regarding my kids because if they are very invested in the comparison game, your best bet is to starve it of oxygen rather than trying to play. If you are happy with where your kids are at (and even if you are not) that matters much more than what these people think about it. Model for your daughter what it is to run your own race.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m in a different time zone than the rest of DCUM. It was not 2 am for me.

To clarify—my DD is not on her phone that much, which is partly whey this comment bothers me so much (I can see her screen time). But I’m more upset that he called her dumb and that she doesn’t “do anything” meaning her grades/extracurriculars. First of all, it’s none of his business. Second, he doesn't know my daughter’s grades (excellent) or what activities my daughter is involved in. Third, even if you have these private conversations/comparisons at home, don’t go blabbing it to the person you’re trashing. My DD is working incredibly hard
in her junior year, thinking about college, and this must have felt awful to hear this. Honestly, I wouldn’t care if this was some random person, but these are our friends. The husband is outwardly kind/respectful, but very competitive. I don’t want to expose my kids to scenarios and people where they are being judged or called stupid/dumb because of this dad’s college admissions criteria.
I don’t want to blow up friendships over this but I am upset for my daughter and want to somehow get across that they should leave my daughter out of their gossip.

OP you do not know what the guy said or how it came up. You are hearing this third hand. Let it go and get some treatment for your anxiety and anger.
You cannot control what people say and it seems really strange that you think you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m in a different time zone than the rest of DCUM. It was not 2 am for me.

To clarify—my DD is not on her phone that much, which is partly whey this comment bothers me so much (I can see her screen time). But I’m more upset that he called her dumb and that she doesn’t “do anything” meaning her grades/extracurriculars. First of all, it’s none of his business. Second, he doesn't know my daughter’s grades (excellent) or what activities my daughter is involved in. Third, even if you have these private conversations/comparisons at home, don’t go blabbing it to the person you’re trashing. My DD is working incredibly hard
in her junior year, thinking about college, and this must have felt awful to hear this. Honestly, I wouldn’t care if this was some random person, but these are our friends. The husband is outwardly kind/respectful, but very competitive. I don’t want to expose my kids to scenarios and people where they are being judged or called stupid/dumb because of this dad’s college admissions criteria.
I don’t want to blow up friendships over this but I am upset for my daughter and want to somehow get across that they should leave my daughter out of their gossip.

Did your DD actually say she felt awful because I think many kids probably don't and have heard worse. Even among girls put downs are really common these days as a form of basic communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No matter how you slice it, your family's relationship with their's is already sour, you both look down upon each other's parenting and kids. N's honest or tattletale comment only highlighted it. Its up to you to confront or let go.

+1. I don’t think this is an issue on which to confront someone. I don’t even know what you would say. But truthfully I would distance myself from a family who spoke so poorly of my daughter. Some “best friend.”

[Anonymous]

I’m willing to bet that N made it all up as a way to one-up your kids. If the dad did make those comments, N repeating it to your kids is another way to one-up them or put them in their place. We’ve all known kids like N. I’d tell my kids it was a rude thing to say and I’d encourage them to steer clear because that’s not something a real friend would do.

I’d continue my own friendship with the mom but honestly, I’d probably be a bit wary. I’d definitely wonder what gets discussed in that house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:N does not have the social skills to be admitted into an elite college. So take some comfort in that.

See how you feel in a week.

Since when did elite colleges check for social skills? I went to an Ivy and would not at all say that social graces were a consideration for admissions based on some of my peers

You have not been following college admissions for the last 10 years.