We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

DH and I can't figure out our schedules/task divisions and it leads to constant conflict. We've tried so many times to figure out how to make it all fit, and it just doesn't. We have 2 young kids and no family support - but I know many others make it work with this setup, so what are we missing?

DH works in finance. Even after dropping down to a "chill" job, it's 45-50 hours/week, 170k salary. He says at this point he can't pursue a new career as investment analysis is his only skillset, and there is no job in finance where he can reliably work 40 hours/week. He works out in the mornings and then is at work until 6.

I work 40 hours/week and make 100k. Our kids are in daycare and elementary school with aftercare.

His schedule leaves me fully responsible for getting the kids ready in the morning, picking both of them up, and making dinner. My workouts have to be done in the middle of the workday, which is stressful. In the evenings, we have to divide and conquer with the kids (activities, homework help, toddler wrangling) if he's not working. After bedtime, he helps clean up the kitchen and do some mental load stuff, like forms, activity signups, bills, order stuff on Amazon, etc. Sometimes he has to work.

He has always been a slow and thorough person, so he can't just start multitasking or do more. I can see he is doing his best. But I am overstretched too. There just isn't enough slack in the system. Either he's doing more than he can and starts resenting me or vice versa. (And that's not even mentioning when someone gets sick or there's a snow day, it's total chaos). If he could only have a normal 40 hours/week job, I think it would fix things, but he says it's impossible. I don't think more childcare is the solution since they are both already in full-time care. I also don't think we can just continue ignoring sleep and exercise, we've let our health go for far too long due to lack of time and it shows.

My dual-career friends and neighbors either have 2 parents with flexible jobs, or grandparent help, or they're miserable too. I don't know how we get out of this. My DH keeps regretting having kids because of all these extra responsibilities pushing him over the edge. We've tried therapy and it helped us see each other's perspectives, but we still feel trapped in this impossible math equation.

[Anonymous]

He’s putting too much on you. Tell him you will have to go part time if he doesn’t do x , y, and z and he specific.

[Anonymous]

I would get an after school nanny - who picks your kids up from school before aftercare, handles the 5 minutes of homework, and makes a meal. It may not be super cheap (or it may be -- in our southern town, it's easy to find college students who will handle this easy gig), but so what if you spend all your aftertax income for a few years on childcare? I don't think it would be anywhere near that much, but still. Seems like a good answer, right. Then you're just left with mornings to wrangle the kids, which doesn't seem like a huge ask. Most dual working families have one parent manage mornings.

[Anonymous]

I think your husband needs to put in some hours for work after the kids go to bed so that he's more available during the evening rush. Another option is to hire an afterschool babysitter/nanny who gets the kids from school and daycare, preps dinner, does some tidying up and housework, etc. That's expensive but it might save your sanity.

[Anonymous]

Even the Dads I know who work a ton do dropoff some. They may not make it home for dinner or evening stuff but they can go in late. He needs to take some mornings. You are doing too much.

Can you cut back on activities? Hire more help for evenings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s putting too much on you. Tell him you will have to go part time if he doesn’t do x , y, and z and he specific.

He's not putting too much on her. His job is a more-than-40-hours a week job, and so he physically cannot be there for mornings and the immediate after school tasks. That's not dumping stuff on her. That's just the realities of a job that is paying 2/3 of their household costs.

If she finds doing the morning and after-aftercare routine by herself is too hard, she needs to outsource some of it. That's an easy solution.

[Anonymous]

I was in your position and it turned out my now ex was fully exploiting me and taking advantage of my obvious and understandable distraction. But it was all my fault of course!

Then he cheated and I divorced him. Not what he wanted or expected.

This current situation is full of red flags. Start looking at your finances now.

[Anonymous]

He could join the government. Look at gov programs or agencies that provide debt or guaranties. DFC, DoE, SBA are a few. Lots of investment oriented positions. You look at increasing your salary if his has to drop a bit.

[Anonymous]

He needs to do more. Even if he is gone when dinner has to be cooked, he can cook chili or a meal like that on Sunday to be eaten Monday, etc.

It is ridiculous that you do all pickup drop off cooking dinner. It is not fair

He needs to do more or hire someone

[Anonymous]

We have a nanny/PA who works from 12-6pm. They do the kids laundry, receive deliveries (groceries, etc.), walk the dog, pick up dry-cleaning, and get the kids from school and supervise them doing homework, taking them to after-school activities, setting the table for dinner, etc.

Then, we have cleaning people twice a week. OP, throw money at this problem.

[Anonymous]

Throw money at the problem to survive. The young kids years fly by and will be over before you know it.

[Anonymous]

This is a temporary problem.

We had a nanny who worked 3 to 7 every day. Not ideal, not cheap, but it was what we had to do. By the time our kids were something like 7 and 9 we could stop with the nanny.

That said, it seems a little unfair that your husband does so little and gets to workout every morning.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine is a partner in big law. When his kids were young, he had a hard stop in the office at 5pm. From 5-8pm, he was unavailable. He would get online at 8pm and finish whatever work he needed to do. He clearly communicated his boundaries, people understood and respected them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to do more. Even if he is gone when dinner has to be cooked, he can cook chili or a meal like that on Sunday to be eaten Monday, etc.

It is ridiculous that you do all pickup drop off cooking dinner. It is not fair

He needs to do more or hire someone

Yes. Spare me the he works 40+ hours bull id he has time to workout every morning he has time to throw something in the crockpot or pack lunches. He just doesn't think he has to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine is a partner in big law. When his kids were young, he had a hard stop in the office at 5pm. From 5-8pm, he was unavailable. He would get online at 8pm and finish whatever work he needed to do. He clearly communicated his boundaries, people understood and respected them.

It's unfortunate this isn't the norm.