30

The first thread that I will discuss today was actually the third most active over the weekend because the first and second most active were threads that I've previously covered. The thread was titled, "Can someone explain the mentality of never being proactive or organized to me?" and was posted in the "Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)" forum. The original poster says that her husband who has ADHD, which he has been treating with medicine, is never proactive and lacks basic administrative skills. As a result, the original poster is responsible for 95% of household administration and is also the main breadwinner. She essentially has to micromanager her husband, providing a recent example of her frustrations. While the original poster was out of town, her husband was supposed to help their son buy a birthday present and take him to an 8-year-old's birthday party. However, her husband overslept which meant their son was late to the party and they weren't able to buy a present. The husband put cash in a card instead. The original poster wonders whether her husband just expects her to do everything or is engaging in "weaponized incompetence". She doesn't understand what benefit there would be to her husband acting this way. This topic has repeatedly come up on DCUM over the years and I have read countless threads of a similar nature. This really has highlighted two things: 1) the significant number of husbands who suffer from ADHD, and; 2) the similarly large number of husbands who apparently expect their wives to treat them like their mothers probably did. It is the ADHD aspect that really catches other poster's attention in this thread and a lively debate breaks out on that topic. There are a number of posters who believe that ADHD not only explains the original poster's husband's behavior, but also provides an excuse. As such, the original poster is criticized for acting "superior" and not being sympathetic about her husband's condition. However, several posters who say that they have ADHD themselves, including the original poster, argue that ADHD, especially when medicated, is not an excuse. It may mean that individuals with such a condition need to work harder, but they should still be expected to be able to manage basic parenting tasks. Other posters argue that the husband is simply being lazy. He slept in and didn't get a present because he didn't think the party was important and didn't care about it. Had the event been something he prioritized, they content, his ADHD would not have gotten in the way. Some posters who have been in marriages like this have reconciled themselves to it and simply taken over most of the household management. One poster said that she has lowered the bar for her husband so low that it is on the floor and that she expects little more from him than basic childcare. But, of course, the DCUM relationship forum being the DCUM relationship forum, several posters recommended divorce. Some posters took an entirely different approach and argued that while oversleeping was not ideal, providing cash instead of a gift was perfectly fine and might even be preferred by some kids.