Temporary changing au pair room?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree it’s a bad idea especially if for 1-2 weeks!

If you ask she will say yes because it is your house and does she actually genuinely have the freedom to say no? Of course not, so I wouldn’t ask.

She is used to having her private quarters, having to live in close proximity to the children at all times (meaning being woken up or kept up by them in the morning or at night) when she is used to having her personal space (and you yours) might seriously alter/sour your relationship. I wouldn’t risk it.

If you want her to feel like a part of your family, then treat her like she is. Your sister is the one visiting and if she doesn’t have the budget for an hotel then she should adapt to the space available (I wouldn’t expect someone to give up their room for me and my children if I was to visit somewhere, including family).

I would be uncomfortable with someone I don’t know having access to my space and my things (unless you expect your AP to move all of her things out of her space which would be extremely uncomfortable) and it would make me feel very out of place to have to ask permission to enter my room to retrieve items I have left there and would make me feel very much like a guest in my own house, which I think would be worse for an AP.

Don’t do it.

Either have your sister kids sleep in the guest room and your sister in the living room or help them budget for an Airbnb/hotel.

+1. But OP, you seem to get defensive whenever this is pointed out, and throw out the “family” bit as a way to garner support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster here- To you it’s s guest room or a basement room, but to the AP it’s her private space where she can escape and have down time. All her private belongings are in the room. It’s really not okay. You should move yourself to the guest room.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here- To you it’s s guest room or a basement room, but to the AP it’s her private space where she can escape and have down time. All her private belongings are in the room. It’s really not okay. You should move yourself to the guest room.

+1

+100. The room was promised to AP as a part of contract and exchange. If you rented out the basement, you would not think about asking your renter to move, right? This room is payment-in-kind for the services that AP is providing to you. So she has same level of rights to your basement and expectation of privacy as a renter would. Yes, you may like her, yes, she might like you. But if you ask her to move it might feel to her that you are not treating her as a member of family, because comfort of your sister and your nieces/nephews comes first to you.

[Anonymous]

We get it, OP, anyone who doesn’t agree with you is wrong. Why would you even ask? You apparently made up your mind about what’s right before you posted here.
I just feel sorry for your au pair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here- To you it’s s guest room or a basement room, but to the AP it’s her private space where she can escape and have down time. All her private belongings are in the room. It’s really not okay. You should move yourself to the guest room.

+1

+100. The room was promised to AP as a part of contract and exchange. If you rented out the basement, you would not think about asking your renter to move, right? This room is payment-in-kind for the services that AP is providing to you. So she has same level of rights to your basement and expectation of privacy as a renter would. Yes, you may like her, yes, she might like you. But if you ask her to move it might feel to her that you are not treating her as a member of family, because comfort of your sister and your nieces/nephews comes first to you.

I guess you decided to ignore the part where I said I would ask the same of my niece or kid? This is just the best way of utilize the space we have! But well, why do I keep arguing... my LCC said it is totally Ok, if AP also says it is ok, that is all I care about. If she rematch after that, then she wasn't seeing herself as part of the family and that is fine as well. Peace out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We get it, OP, anyone who doesn’t agree with you is wrong. Why would you even ask? You apparently made up your mind about what’s right before you posted here.
I just feel sorry for your au pair.

Yes you are right, I posted here because it was the first time i was considering it and I wanted to know what other thought. I got a good set of different opinions and I respectfully disagree with some of them. That is all there is to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here- To you it’s s guest room or a basement room, but to the AP it’s her private space where she can escape and have down time. All her private belongings are in the room. It’s really not okay. You should move yourself to the guest room.

+1

+100. The room was promised to AP as a part of contract and exchange. If you rented out the basement, you would not think about asking your renter to move, right? This room is payment-in-kind for the services that AP is providing to you. So she has same level of rights to your basement and expectation of privacy as a renter would. Yes, you may like her, yes, she might like you. But if you ask her to move it might feel to her that you are not treating her as a member of family, because comfort of your sister and your nieces/nephews comes first to you.

I guess you decided to ignore the part where I said I would ask the same of my niece or kid? This is just the best way of utilize the space we have! But well, why do I keep arguing... my LCC said it is totally Ok, if AP also says it is ok, that is all I care about. If she rematch after that, then she wasn't seeing herself as part of the family and that is fine as well. Peace out!

She is not a relative and she is not your child.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t hesitate to ask my au pair, making sure I was clear that it is her choice to say no with no hard feelings. I am a super lenient and nice hm, and generally bend over backwards to make sure my au pairs are happy. In op’s situation it makes a lot of sense to have the larger number of people sharing the larger space, on a temporary basis.

Op, it wasn’t clear if the basement has separate living/sleeping spaces. Could you have your sisters kids (or your kids) sleep in the living space area if ap doesn’t want to move upstairs? They could still share that bathroom (au pairs are not required to have a private bath - and before all of you others jump on me, yes my au pair has her own bathroom and a private roof deck, and loads of other perks).

[Anonymous]

Also - if a host family were to move, ap may not have the same living situation in the new house. As long as the living space is approved - which it would be as long as it’s a legal bedroom - the au pair doesn’t have a legit cause to gripe.

[Anonymous]

We tell APs while matching that when we have guests the bedroom situation may change. We also allow APs to have friends and family visit, but also have our families stay for extended periods. It’s all gone very well with no rematches. We have hosted AP friends and family, but also had AP switch rooms for our guests. We love to host. We just got done with a 2 week jag of both kids sleeping in our master to accommodate more people. The more the merrier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also - if a host family were to move, ap may not have the same living situation in the new house. As long as the living space is approved - which it would be as long as it’s a legal bedroom - the au pair doesn’t have a legit cause to gripe.

+1. And at any time you can change the AP bedroom (even permanently) and get the LCC to approve it. It amazes me that lot of PPs can think for a minute that many APs would not mind. As a PP pointed HFs loose on privacy as soon they start hosting AP, why is AP privacy more important?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here- To you it’s s guest room or a basement room, but to the AP it’s her private space where she can escape and have down time. All her private belongings are in the room. It’s really not okay. You should move yourself to the guest room.

+1

+100. The room was promised to AP as a part of contract and exchange. If you rented out the basement, you would not think about asking your renter to move, right? This room is payment-in-kind for the services that AP is providing to you. So she has same level of rights to your basement and expectation of privacy as a renter would. Yes, you may like her, yes, she might like you. But if you ask her to move it might feel to her that you are not treating her as a member of family, because comfort of your sister and your nieces/nephews comes first to you.

I guess you decided to ignore the part where I said I would ask the same of my niece or kid? This is just the best way of utilize the space we have! But well, why do I keep arguing... my LCC said it is totally Ok, if AP also says it is ok, that is all I care about. If she rematch after that, then she wasn't seeing herself as part of the family and that is fine as well. Peace out!

She is not a relative and she is not your child.

Sorry if I treat my AP like a family member!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here- To you it’s s guest room or a basement room, but to the AP it’s her private space where she can escape and have down time. All her private belongings are in the room. It’s really not okay. You should move yourself to the guest room.

+1

+100. The room was promised to AP as a part of contract and exchange. If you rented out the basement, you would not think about asking your renter to move, right? This room is payment-in-kind for the services that AP is providing to you. So she has same level of rights to your basement and expectation of privacy as a renter would. Yes, you may like her, yes, she might like you. But if you ask her to move it might feel to her that you are not treating her as a member of family, because comfort of your sister and your nieces/nephews comes first to you.

I guess you decided to ignore the part where I said I would ask the same of my niece or kid? This is just the best way of utilize the space we have! But well, why do I keep arguing... my LCC said it is totally Ok, if AP also says it is ok, that is all I care about. If she rematch after that, then she wasn't seeing herself as part of the family and that is fine as well. Peace out!

She is not a relative and she is not your child.

Sorry if I treat my AP like a family member!

She isn't a family member. Treat your family like family and give them one of your kids rooms, put the kids in their rooms and kids can share or put your kids in your room and give them the kids rooms or give them your room. AP is not family and this is a job for regardless of how you phrase it. It may be an exchange but they are working for you as your employee caring for your kids. That is her personal space.

[Anonymous]

OP. What will you give your AP for accepting to switch rooms?
Extra $$? Extra time off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.
Not ok.

If the bathroom situation is not acceptable for your visiting family, put them up in a hotel for the duration of their stay.

OP here. What is not ok about that? Please elaborate. Not every family can afford hotels!! Also it is not just about the bathroom. it doesn’t make sense to have 3 people cramped in a small bedroom while au pair is alone in a huge apartment. This will be for 1-2 weeks.

Then maybe you can't afford childcare!

Have you considered displacing YOURSELF instead of your AP? Of course not!

Damn, you are a self centered piece of work!

I recognize your posts!! You spent the whole time telling HMs they can’t afford childcare when they ask a simple question. Maybe you should checkout your privilege and yourself in the mirror? Btw the “guest room” I am talking about is available because I will move my youngest to a PnP in our room! I guess that means I still can’t afford childcare because I don’t have a real guest room on top of the huge basement apartment

Anyway, I always read that we should treat au pairs like our niece, I guess it only works one way? Will a niece have a problem temporary moving to a smaller room to accommodate other family members? I am sure my au pair will have no problem with this because she actually part of our family!

Lol. No, that's not me.

If you are already so sure that you are "treating your AP" so well, why are you bothering to ask here?

What you are planning to do is WRONG. Go ahead and do it if you think it works best for YOU. But it is WRONG. If your AP has the opportunity to transfer to another family, she will take it.

Yeah right it is not you! That was a leap from my question to the conclusion that I can’t afford childcare!
I didn’t expect everyone to agree with me, which why I posted here but I didn’t expect the first response to be from a crazy, angry person either.

Lol...

If I was angry about anything, it was because I was watching my college basketball team lose.
I am not an AP host, and I have never been an AP. I have no skin in the AP game.

I am a normal person who just calls it like it is--you are a terrible person for even considering this.

If you've never been an AP and don't host one then this is not the forum for you. You have NO idea what it's like to be a HP -- it's so easy to be judgmental when you haven't done it yourself. Don't be defensive about that -- it's just not fair to be holier than thou when you've never given AP everything and had them ask for me.

BUT...in this case I think OP is wrong. APs have their living space and shouldn't have to lose it for guests. Yes we treat them life family members and yes I'd move my DD out of her room for guests but it feels wrong to make a grown woman leave her space for two weeks. And I've been in similar situations and my brother's families shares the home office because it's that or uproot AP, which we're not going to do.