Live-in dynamic

[Anonymous]

We have a live-in who works five days on and two days off each week. We have a completely separate apartment on our property where she stays. When we hired her she told us she’d be staying with her boyfriend on her days off. In July we were away for a week and she didn’t want to take PTO so we had her watch our dog. She had her boyfriend come to stay with her for the week and the two of them stayed in our house rather than in her apartment. He also comes to see her a lot more often than we expected and he stays over. Now that he’s familiar with our house he seems to be more comfortable coming in to speak to us or making small talk when we drive up to the house.

The guy is 32 years old, unemployed, lives with his mother and doesn’t have a car. I know it’s a live in position and we told her she could invite friends occasionally to stay with her. I think he’s hanging around more because he doesn’t have anything else to do. Can we set boundaries and say we’ve changed our minds and prefer she sees him elsewhere on her days off? He’s a nice guy but we prefer not to have him around. It’s a weird dynamic that seems to keep getting worse in that he’s around more and more.

[Anonymous]

You can certainly require that when he's there they stay in her apartment. They both stayed in your home when you were away?

[Anonymous]

I’d look for a new nanny. She’s not going to like being confronted seeing that he’s already there all the time.

[Anonymous]

I can’t get passed why she would have to use her PTO when you go away?! That’s what guaranteed hours are for. It’s standard for Nannie’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can certainly require that when he's there they stay in her apartment. They both stayed in your home when you were away?

Yes and I’m not sure why they stayed in the house vs the apartment. We didn’t mind because our dog was happy. But he was supposed to be there for the weekend only but stayed for over a week. He has nowhere to go and nothing to do apparently

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d look for a new nanny. She’s not going to like being confronted seeing that he’s already there all the time.

Yes but we owe it to her to explain the issue. He’s at our property too much and it’s not what we had previously agreed to. She’s in her 30s but immature for her age so there’s a lot of obvious stuff we’ve had to point out to her in the last year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t get passed why she would have to use her PTO when you go away?! That’s what guaranteed hours are for. It’s standard for Nannie’s.

It’s in our contract

[Anonymous]

You should count yourself lucky that you found a nanny that agreed to use her pto when you’re the one going away.

[Anonymous]

I'd fire her and hire someone else to be honest. Her staying in your house was completely unacceptable, never mind WITH her boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd fire her and hire someone else to be honest. Her staying in your house was completely unacceptable, never mind WITH her boyfriend.

Any good nanny is going to run away from an employer who requires her to take PTO when they go away. Don't do this OP, our nanny has guaranteed hours which means she gets paid whenever we don't need her. The only time she ever has to use PTO is when she is the one taking time off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd fire her and hire someone else to be honest. Her staying in your house was completely unacceptable, never mind WITH her boyfriend.

Any good nanny is going to run away from an employer who requires her to take PTO when they go away. Don't do this OP, our nanny has guaranteed hours which means she gets paid whenever we don't need her. The only time she ever has to use PTO is when she is the one taking time off.

Half of her PTO is when we’re away and half is at her own choice, per our contract. She’s paid a salary via a payroll company

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a live-in who works five days on and two days off each week. We have a completely separate apartment on our property where she stays. When we hired her she told us she’d be staying with her boyfriend on her days off. In July we were away for a week and she didn’t want to take PTO so we had her watch our dog. She had her boyfriend come to stay with her for the week and the two of them stayed in our house rather than in her apartment. He also comes to see her a lot more often than we expected and he stays over. Now that he’s familiar with our house he seems to be more comfortable coming in to speak to us or making small talk when we drive up to the house.

The guy is 32 years old, unemployed, lives with his mother and doesn’t have a car. I know it’s a live in position and we told her she could invite friends occasionally to stay with her. I think he’s hanging around more because he doesn’t have anything else to do. Can we set boundaries and say we’ve changed our minds and prefer she sees him elsewhere on her days off? He’s a nice guy but we prefer not to have him around. It’s a weird dynamic that seems to keep getting worse in that he’s around more and more.

If she stayed in the house to take care of the dog per your request, what is the issue. She should not have to take PTO for your vacations. PTO is for when she is sick or her vacations.

You have every right to tell her he cannot move in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a live-in who works five days on and two days off each week. We have a completely separate apartment on our property where she stays. When we hired her she told us she’d be staying with her boyfriend on her days off. In July we were away for a week and she didn’t want to take PTO so we had her watch our dog. She had her boyfriend come to stay with her for the week and the two of them stayed in our house rather than in her apartment. He also comes to see her a lot more often than we expected and he stays over. Now that he’s familiar with our house he seems to be more comfortable coming in to speak to us or making small talk when we drive up to the house.

The guy is 32 years old, unemployed, lives with his mother and doesn’t have a car. I know it’s a live in position and we told her she could invite friends occasionally to stay with her. I think he’s hanging around more because he doesn’t have anything else to do. Can we set boundaries and say we’ve changed our minds and prefer she sees him elsewhere on her days off? He’s a nice guy but we prefer not to have him around. It’s a weird dynamic that seems to keep getting worse in that he’s around more and more.

If she stayed in the house to take care of the dog per your request, what is the issue. She should not have to take PTO for your vacations. PTO is for when she is sick or her vacations.

You have every right to tell her he cannot move in.

The issue is he also stayed in the house, got very comfortable doing so, and now keeps coming over.

It is very common to manage the PTO or half of it to when the employer is away.

[Anonymous]

I think it was inappropriate for your Nanny to let her boyfriend stay in your home w/out explicit permission from you.

And it is annoying that she is letting him hang around the house so much too.
She DOES seem very immature to me.

I would let her know that you would like her to have her boyfriend around your property less - just be prepared that she may not want to hear that + may possibly quit.
If she does > so be it.

Hopefully she will respect your wishes but if she doesn’t, then you may have to find a new Nanny.
Only you can decide if that is worth you speaking to her about her boyfriend.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t get passed why she would have to use her PTO when you go away?! That’s what guaranteed hours are for. It’s standard for Nannie’s.

It’s in our contract

Good luck replacing her with that contract. No capable, experienced nanny will forego the industry standard of guaranteed hours — yes, even when you choose to go away. You’ll be lucky to get an off the books 18-year-old with no experience.