Frequent grandparent visits

[Anonymous]

I am the full time nanny to an 8 month old baby boy. Both parents work from home. They live in a 980 square foot apartment.

The two biggest rooms in the apartment are the guest bedroom, which is DB's office, and the master bedroom, which MB prefers that I not go in. Baby's bedroom is very small, and between the crib, rocking chair, bookshelf, and dresser, there is no room to play in there. We spend the vast majority of our day in the living room, as there truly is nowhere else for baby to play.

Due to covid, I am not allowed to take baby out to the park, coffee shop, or library. Our outings are limited to walks in the neighborhood in the stroller, and with baby's feeding and nap schedule, and now nasty winter weather, we are lucky to get out for two 25 minute walks each day. Every time we are gone for more than 30 minutes, MB makes comments about how our walk was "so long," and "hopefully baby was warm enough." Yesterday I took baby on a 45 minute walk and when we got back MB started questioning where we were for so long; she literally asked which streets we walked down because "even the long loop around the neighborhood only takes us 30 minutes." So it's hard for us to get out of the apartment much.

During the interviews, I spoke to the parents about how important it was to give me space with baby and not interrupt our day too often. Both parents promised to do their best, but MB comes in to give baby hugs and kisses three to five times every day, and DB does so usually twice per day; between the two of them, our day is interrupted five to seven times each day by MB or DB intentionally coming to see baby.

Every time they come in the room, baby is playing happily, but every time they hand him back to me, he starts reaching for them and crying. DB usually goes right back to his office, and baby calms down quickly, but MB will scoop baby back up and give him more kisses, usually two or three more times before leaving, and he cries harder each time she gives him back to me. I have spoken to her about this, suggesting less frequent interruptions, and to leave more quickly when he cries, but so far nothing has changed.

Compounding this issue, the only space baby has to play in is the living room, which is connected to the kitchen; there is no wall or divider, it's basically one big open room. So every time MB or DB want to get a glass of water or cup of coffee or make lunch, baby sees them, and starts whining for them, at which point they say "Oh baby wants to see me!" and they come over and scoop him up. Those unintentional interruptions happen often; it feels like every 10-15 minutes one of them is coming into the kitchen for something. So between the intentional and unintentional interruptions, our days feel like an almost constant struggle of baby being upset because MB or DB pick him up and then need to go back to work.

Also during the interview process, MB and DB told me that baby's grandparents live 7 hours away and that they come to visit and stay with them "a few times per year."

I have been working with this family for three and a half months, and in that time, the grandparents have already visited four times. Each time they spend 7-8 days staying with my nanny family. They just left a couple of days ago from their second visit in 3 weeks, and I've already been informed that they will be back for another full week in 3 weeks.

I think this wouldn't be as much of an issue if the apartment wasn't so small and already cramped with 3 adults and baby; adding two more adults into the mix really makes my job feel difficult and my workspace feel uncomfortable.

Because DB's office is in the guest bedroom, and because they can't just spend the day out and about due to covid concerns, the grandparents spend my entire shift in the kitchen and living room -- the only space baby and I have to play in.

It is extremely awkward for me. Half the time the grandparents want to hold or play with baby, and/or chat with me, and the other half of the time they want to be on their laptop and not interact with baby or me, which is confusing for baby, as they are still in the play room with us. Baby has started whining and crying as a way to get their attention when they are in the room with us but ignoring him.

Also, when baby cries due to MB or DB picking him up and then putting him back down, the grandparents have, more than once, insisted on taking baby from me to calm him down, and then when the grandparents give him back to me he often cries all over again.

The grandparents frequently host loud zoom calls while they are in the room with us, which makes it especially difficult for me to engage baby. During naptime, between grandma, grandpa, MB or DB, one of them is always wanting to ask me a question about baby's day, or make small talk with me, or the grandparents are on a loud zoom call just a few feet away from me. It feels like I can't have one second to myself just to breathe.

Also, their kitchen is very small, and they don't have a microwave. Baby is very particular about temperature for his food and bottles; he won't take them cold, so everything has to be warmed up on their two-burner stove. When the grandparents are here, almost every time I need to use the stove for baby's bottles or food, one or two other adults are already in the kitchen using the stove, which again, just makes my job more difficult. I bring my own lunches from home, and when the grandparents are here I just end up eating them cold because it's too much trouble to try to get in the kitchen and use the stove, which is inevitably already being used by someone else at that time.

The first couple of times the grandparents visited, they would take over baby duties for me in the early afternoon and let me leave a couple of hours early most days. But the last two times they've visited, they have had me stay for my full day every day, even if baby is napping for the last hour of my shift.

I am feeling really frustrated. Some things, like the apartments size or MB and DB needing to use the kitchen and baby seeing them and crying for them obviously can't be changed. Other things, like MB purposely coming in for baby kisses and then giving in when he cries for her after she gives him back to me, I am willing to accept as just part of the job. But all of those issues are just compounded and exacerbated by the grandparents frequent, extended visits.

I have been a nanny for twenty years, and I have never before experienced a family who had grandparents stay with them so frequently. Obviously I cannot tell them not to visit, but I would honestly feel a great deal better about everything if they went back to letting me off a couple hours early on days when the grandparents are here. Unfortunately I'm not in a financial position to take that time unpaid though; I have guaranteed hours, but insisting that I get extra time off, paid, might not feel like a reasonable request to them.

I want to talk to MB and DB, but I don't know how to without coming off as overly demanding or generally unhelpful or unwilling to be flexible. When MB mentioned yesterday that the grandparents were coming back in three weeks I said something like "wow, again so soon!" And she got very defensive and said "yes, they visit every month, they want to spend time with baby, and we love having them here to help!" I wanted to point out that during the interview process, I was told they would only visit a few times per year, not once every month, but obviously that wouldn't have been helpful, so I just left it at that.

I don't want to quit, but I'm not sure if there's any way to come to a solution that will work for everyone. I'm not even sure how to start this conversation with them, or what would be a reasonable request from me for how to move forward.

I would love to hear from both parents and nannies as far as what might be a reasonable solution here. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don’t see a solution based on your description of the mother. Start looking now before you get too attached to the baby.


Nothing is going to change, OP.

[Anonymous]

That was so long. Look for a new job. Nannies are in high demand.

[Anonymous]

I only read the first 2 paragraphs, either request a meeting and tell them to stop micromanaging or quit. This is your profession and there are ton of nanny jobs right now.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a contract?

My contracts specifically state what happens when relatives visit:
If relatives visit infrequently (less than 3 days per quarter or 2 weeks per year), I will rearrange the schedule with them to facilitate quality time with the child(den). If they visit frequently (4+ days per quarter or 2+ weeks per year), the schedule remains as is, and they are welcome to join us when and if they desire.

I also insist that all adult who are present in the home at least 20% of the time agree to the contract. If they’re there for a week or more each month, they’re not just visiting anymore (and that’s seen very well in the attitude change reflected in you leaving early). I would gently bring up my contract and insist that we get the grandparents on the same page for the baby’s schedule (especially naps and bottles/food!), so that everyone could coexist more happily.

I’d also suggest that perhaps the guest bedroom should be converted into the baby’s room temporarily, with the nursery becoming the office and the guest bed going into the living room. That would give you space away from everyone for the child to play undisturbed, the grandparents could join as interested but ignore the child without enduring crying, and it would cut down on parents unintentionally starting the ruckus.

I would also insist on discussing the amount of interruptions. This is not a healthy life for that baby. That much uncertainty and crying are detrimental.

[Anonymous]

Please look for another position. Nothing you say or don’t say if going to change your situation.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you aren't cut out to be a nanny with COIVD. Where do you want them to go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you aren't cut out to be a nanny with COIVD. Where do you want them to go?

On the contrary, I've previously worked with FOUR different families who all had one, if not two, work from home parents. All four of those positions were very successful because the parents gave me the space to do my job, and rarely, if ever, interrupted.

Having said that, I've never had any nanny family expect me to work my full work week while they had grandparents visiting and staying in their home. Even with covid, I don't think it is typical for grandparents to stay with the family one week out of every month while a nanny is working in the home full time.

[Anonymous]

This position definitely sounds like the job from hell.
Or at the very least, a perfect example of why many Nannies do not like working for parents who telecommute.

I would be so annoyed if my bosses micromanaged me like this.
It seems your Mom Boss gets upset if you + your charge are gone for more than a half hour!!
Also the mere fact that both of your bosses make contact w/their child during your shift would drive me insane.

In these types of work situations - boundaries need to be established.
However due to the limited space involved >>> establishing boundaries does not appear like it can even be given an option.

I think you need to find a brand-new family to work for.
Since a lot of parents are now working from home, I would only consider positions where you have complete autonomy as well as adequate space to do your job.

I wish you all the best OP!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you aren't cut out to be a nanny with COIVD. Where do you want them to go?

You’re ridiculous.

1) The grandparents shouldn’t be visiting at all during covid.
2) The parents should adhere to a schedule for interacting with the baby for the baby’s sake.
3). The apartment is too fricking small for four people plus monthly grandparent sleepovers for a week at a time!

[Anonymous]

30+ year nanny here
GET OUT

[Anonymous]

I have to echo the majority of posters, OP. You’re in an untenable and unworkable situation. No contract, no discussion, and no adjustment is going to change that.

Please go on cate.com or call your agency immediately. You don’t want to bond more deeply with the baby or have too big a hole in your resume. The time to leave is now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That was so long. Look for a new job. Nannies are in high demand.

Yes,to all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you aren't cut out to be a nanny with COIVD. Where do you want them to go?

On the contrary, I've previously worked with FOUR different families who all had one, if not two, work from home parents. All four of those positions were very successful because the parents gave me the space to do my job, and rarely, if ever, interrupted.

Having said that, I've never had any nanny family expect me to work my full work week while they had grandparents visiting and staying in their home. Even with covid, I don't think it is typical for grandparents to stay with the family one week out of every month while a nanny is working in the home full time.

They have a small apartment. There is no space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you aren't cut out to be a nanny with COIVD. Where do you want them to go?

You’re ridiculous.

1) The grandparents shouldn’t be visiting at all during covid.
2) The parents should adhere to a schedule for interacting with the baby for the baby’s sake.
3). The apartment is too fricking small for four people plus monthly grandparent sleepovers for a week at a time!

Its not small. We have a house that small and have had another 4-6 visit and its not an issue. OP doesn't want parents around. She needs a new job.