Au Pair Request to Travel

[Anonymous]

My new au pair just asked us if she could take a bus to NYC the Friday after Thanksgiving from Arlington. She wants to stay at a relative's house with 3 other girls. We have to speak with her tonight but our answer is no. She arrived in October. We went over all our rules before she accepted our offer. We got an exception to bring her over. We like her.

We quarantined her at an Air BnB for her first week until she got a negative COVID test. We had her stay in her room the second week she was in the US until we made it to day 14 and got a second COVID negative test. I was just curious if other host families in the area (we're in Bethesda), are letting their au pairs take trips like this right now, as the numbers are heating up and Fauci is recommending nobody travel on Thanksgiving weekend this year. We don't want her to get us sick. We have one family member who is highly immunocompromised.

[Anonymous]

We are absolutely not allowing travel, and you are absolutely doing the right thing (and I say that as an epidemiologist). You went over your rules, and I don't understand why she thinks things would be any different. She may pushback, but that is what happens in a pandemic.

Ours is not allowed to travel and she gets it for the most part. Once in a while messages need to be reinforced. You are more likey to get sick now than you were in april or may. The numbers are heating up. The advice is to not travel for Tgiving, and not mix with others who are not in your household. The increase in cases now are due to small gatherings inside.

You have science on your side, OP. Stay firm!

[Anonymous]

I will. I just hope this year works out. I am just surprised that she apparently has not absorbed what we have said multiple times.

[Anonymous]

I think it helps when you refer to government/CDC/Fauci regulations instead of making it “family” rule.

https://coronavirus.health.ny.gov/covid-19-travel-advisory

The above link is from New York State. Based on that, the travel for 3 days is not even practical because she would be just quarantining, then taking a test, then coming back. Check NYC too, what’s open... I think most of things are actually closed. So there is nothing fun there. If the idea is to see a relative this is specifically what we are told NOT to do. So why go? I would also add a local thing to do (like hiking + a picnic outside in masks with her 5 friends might be acceptable fun thing).

[Anonymous]

Yes, we are allowing these trips. Covid test upon return. So fair not to allow this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will. I just hope this year works out. I am just surprised that she apparently has not absorbed what we have said multiple times.

It might be a mismatch. There are tons of families looking some are more supportive emotionally of their au pairs than others. Some host families are really for young women of color than they can lock under the stairs and control body, mind, and soul, and others really get the cultural exchange component and understand that most APs are adult women. I would try to rematch for someone more interested in the throwback indentured servant experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we are allowing these trips. Covid test upon return. So fair not to allow this.

You know what else isn't "fair"? if OP's immunocompromosised household member gets critically ill. You do realize that there are such things as false negatives, right? And there is a 10-14 day incubation period. I don't know why in November 2020, when we are at 9 months into the pandemic, people can't grasp basic facts.

OP, I think your AP said yes to whatever so she can have a ticket to the USA. If she puts up too much of an attitude and it affects her work, it may be time to part ways.

We love our AP, but lately she is being a bit of a "denialist". We are fully prepared to tell her that we love her to pieces, but we are not going to risk our medically vulnerable child's life for her recreation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will. I just hope this year works out. I am just surprised that she apparently has not absorbed what we have said multiple times.

It might be a mismatch. There are tons of families looking some are more supportive emotionally of their au pairs than others. Some host families are really for young women of color than they can lock under the stairs and control body, mind, and soul, and others really get the cultural exchange component and understand that most APs are adult women. I would try to rematch for someone more interested in the throwback indentured servant experience.

your racism is showing right there. what makes you think all HFs are White?

You sound like an entitled Karen. This is not about supporting emotionally. We are in a god damn pandemic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will. I just hope this year works out. I am just surprised that she apparently has not absorbed what we have said multiple times.

It might be a mismatch. There are tons of families looking some are more supportive emotionally of their au pairs than others. Some host families are really for young women of color than they can lock under the stairs and control body, mind, and soul, and others really get the cultural exchange component and understand that most APs are adult women. I would try to rematch for someone more interested in the throwback indentured servant experience.

your racism is showing right there. what makes you think all HFs are White?

You sound like an entitled Karen. This is not about supporting emotionally. We are in a god damn pandemic.

Well, your use of "Karen" shows that you are a racist and a sexist: yikes. (taking a moment to pray you don't have daughters).

I am not white. I know several AP families (other AAs and white HFs) that deliberately seek out women from poor families from Brazil and Colombia because they do not want "princesses" and then barely buy them enough food to eat or care whether they have warm clothes in the winter. We all know bad HFs. Let's not pretend that there are not HFs taking advantage of au pairs and using the pandemic as an excuse. Hopefully, your AP will go into rematch soon.

[Anonymous]

I'm the original poster. We spoke last night and she's fine with not traveling. She is actually very happy with our family. She has only been in the US since the middle of October and two weeks she was quarantining so our area is new to her. She'd love to go visit the DC monuments and walk around outside. She totally gets it and wants to stay healthy. (She even shared she had pneumonia one year ago herself and really is afraid to get COVID b/c she could get complications possibly.) She is from a country with just as bad COVID as our country right now and doesn't feel like an indentured servant. We are really happy with the way the conversation ended!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will. I just hope this year works out. I am just surprised that she apparently has not absorbed what we have said multiple times.

It might be a mismatch. There are tons of families looking some are more supportive emotionally of their au pairs than others. Some host families are really for young women of color than they can lock under the stairs and control body, mind, and soul, and others really get the cultural exchange component and understand that most APs are adult women. I would try to rematch for someone more interested in the throwback indentured servant experience.

your racism is showing right there. what makes you think all HFs are White?

You sound like an entitled Karen. This is not about supporting emotionally. We are in a god damn pandemic.

Well, your use of "Karen" shows that you are a racist and a sexist: yikes. (taking a moment to pray you don't have daughters).

I am not white. I know several AP families (other AAs and white HFs) that deliberately seek out women from poor families from Brazil and Colombia because they do not want "princesses" and then barely buy them enough food to eat or care whether they have warm clothes in the winter. We all know bad HFs. Let's not pretend that there are not HFs taking advantage of au pairs and using the pandemic as an excuse. Hopefully, your AP will go into rematch soon.

How sweet of you to pray for me

I will pray you all don't get COVID as you try to be the "cool HF"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will. I just hope this year works out. I am just surprised that she apparently has not absorbed what we have said multiple times.

It might be a mismatch. There are tons of families looking some are more supportive emotionally of their au pairs than others. Some host families are really for young women of color than they can lock under the stairs and control body, mind, and soul, and others really get the cultural exchange component and understand that most APs are adult women. I would try to rematch for someone more interested in the throwback indentured servant experience.

your racism is showing right there. what makes you think all HFs are White?

You sound like an entitled Karen. This is not about supporting emotionally. We are in a god damn pandemic.

Well, your use of "Karen" shows that you are a racist and a sexist: yikes. (taking a moment to pray you don't have daughters).

I am not white. I know several AP families (other AAs and white HFs) that deliberately seek out women from poor families from Brazil and Colombia because they do not want "princesses" and then barely buy them enough food to eat or care whether they have warm clothes in the winter. We all know bad HFs. Let's not pretend that there are not HFs taking advantage of au pairs and using the pandemic as an excuse. Hopefully, your AP will go into rematch soon.

How sweet of you to pray for me

I will pray you all don't get COVID as you try to be the "cool HF"

I was praying for your daughters (and hoping you don't have any). We were social distancing before it was cool, and our AP is a homebody who has travelled twice, safely, over the summer in a car we rented for her. But yes, if being a cool host parent means making sure that the AP has food, warm clothes, access to dental/medical care, educational access, and a HF that cares about her as an adult woman entitled to make choices for herself as an adult woman, we plead guilty. HFs who abuse their au pairs (and the system) are a disgrace. If there is a lockdown, then the HF and the AP must obey that laws of the lockdown. If there is not a lockdown, you shouldn't seek control the AP in a way that you would not be able to get away with with a nanny or babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will. I just hope this year works out. I am just surprised that she apparently has not absorbed what we have said multiple times.

It might be a mismatch. There are tons of families looking some are more supportive emotionally of their au pairs than others. Some host families are really for young women of color than they can lock under the stairs and control body, mind, and soul, and others really get the cultural exchange component and understand that most APs are adult women. I would try to rematch for someone more interested in the throwback indentured servant experience.

your racism is showing right there. what makes you think all HFs are White?

You sound like an entitled Karen. This is not about supporting emotionally. We are in a god damn pandemic.

Well, your use of "Karen" shows that you are a racist and a sexist: yikes. (taking a moment to pray you don't have daughters).

I am not white. I know several AP families (other AAs and white HFs) that deliberately seek out women from poor families from Brazil and Colombia because they do not want "princesses" and then barely buy them enough food to eat or care whether they have warm clothes in the winter. We all know bad HFs. Let's not pretend that there are not HFs taking advantage of au pairs and using the pandemic as an excuse. Hopefully, your AP will go into rematch soon.

How sweet of you to pray for me

I will pray you all don't get COVID as you try to be the "cool HF"

I was praying for your daughters (and hoping you don't have any). We were social distancing before it was cool, and our AP is a homebody who has travelled twice, safely, over the summer in a car we rented for her. But yes, if being a cool host parent means making sure that the AP has food, warm clothes, access to dental/medical care, educational access, and a HF that cares about her as an adult woman entitled to make choices for herself as an adult woman, we plead guilty. HFs who abuse their au pairs (and the system) are a disgrace. If there is a lockdown, then the HF and the AP must obey that laws of the lockdown. If there is not a lockdown, you shouldn't seek control the AP in a way that you would not be able to get away with with a nanny or babysitter.

OP has a family member who is immunocompromised, and the rules were agreed to prior to arrival. I pray that you never have major medical issues. I pray that your family doesn't either bc clearly you DGAF. Most public health experts know that the guidelines are far too lenient. Read, then post.

[Anonymous]

So OP, how did the talk go? Hope she was reasonable with you and could see your very valid perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will. I just hope this year works out. I am just surprised that she apparently has not absorbed what we have said multiple times.

It might be a mismatch. There are tons of families looking some are more supportive emotionally of their au pairs than others. Some host families are really for young women of color than they can lock under the stairs and control body, mind, and soul, and others really get the cultural exchange component and understand that most APs are adult women. I would try to rematch for someone more interested in the throwback indentured servant experience.

your racism is showing right there. what makes you think all HFs are White?

You sound like an entitled Karen. This is not about supporting emotionally. We are in a god damn pandemic.

Well, your use of "Karen" shows that you are a racist and a sexist: yikes. (taking a moment to pray you don't have daughters).

I am not white. I know several AP families (other AAs and white HFs) that deliberately seek out women from poor families from Brazil and Colombia because they do not want "princesses" and then barely buy them enough food to eat or care whether they have warm clothes in the winter. We all know bad HFs. Let's not pretend that there are not HFs taking advantage of au pairs and using the pandemic as an excuse. Hopefully, your AP will go into rematch soon.

How sweet of you to pray for me

I will pray you all don't get COVID as you try to be the "cool HF"

I was praying for your daughters (and hoping you don't have any). We were social distancing before it was cool, and our AP is a homebody who has travelled twice, safely, over the summer in a car we rented for her. But yes, if being a cool host parent means making sure that the AP has food, warm clothes, access to dental/medical care, educational access, and a HF that cares about her as an adult woman entitled to make choices for herself as an adult woman, we plead guilty. HFs who abuse their au pairs (and the system) are a disgrace. If there is a lockdown, then the HF and the AP must obey that laws of the lockdown. If there is not a lockdown, you shouldn't seek control the AP in a way that you would not be able to get away with with a nanny or babysitter. [/quote]

Most AP agencies make it clear that each family has specific rules regarding the pandemic. Shame you can't see that