Prospective AP asking if Bf can visit

[Anonymous]

I have been interviewing this AP that I really like and I am considering matching with. She has a long term bf back home who she disclosed in her profile. I asked her during our first interview if he will be visiting, she said she didn't know but didn't think so because he will probably not get the visa. Now a few weeks later, I sent her our house rules: We don't allow romantic partner to stay overnight, but we allow family member to stay over for up to one week. She asked if we could be flexible and treat her long term bf as a family member so he can stay over for one week. My kids are still small (5 years old and under) so it is not a big deal, but at the same time I don't feel like already bending the rule for someone I don't know if it is going to work out. Is this a red flag? WWYD? Btw she is 25.

[Anonymous]

I would ask yourself “why do you have the rule of no romantic dates”? If that’s because you don’t want strangers in your house, long term boyfriend is no different than a brother. If it is because you morally opposed to sex before marriage and don’t want that in your house, your right, just say so, and say no.


I would actually view this request as positive from the AP: she understands the rules and wants to be clear on them, and I’d consider this request to be ok. it would have been worse if she asked that after you matched.

[Anonymous]

We have allowed this 3 times and it’s been really great each time. Our German AP’s boyfriend was a mechanic and fixed a problem with our BMW.

Our rule is, kids never alone with BF for a second, but APs take vacation when BFs are here anyway so no issue there.

[Anonymous]

Sounds risky to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds risky to me.

Can you elaborate ? What is the risk?

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP that I like her asking now rather than later. The reason we have this in our handbook is really bc we dont want strange men at our house and definitely dont want to hear them having sex of have my kids hear them. I think you got good advice about doing some thinking about why its in your handbook and if you need to stand firm.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I’d be fine with it. We are a pretty easy going host family. What would you have done when you were her age? I had a long term boyfriend when I was 25 and I would have been very respectful to my host family if they allowed him to stay with me.

[Anonymous]

She sounds mature by asking you, I would say yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds risky to me.

Can you elaborate ? What is the risk?

Not all families want a complete strange man moving in for a week. AP has been vetted, her boyfriend hasn’t.

[Anonymous]

I tell our APs not to bring romantic guests over to our house- I am mostly concerned about two things: 1) our 8 year old DD's perceptions because she is at an age where EVERYTHING is observed and scrutinized, and 2) if the AP is dating here in the U.S., I don't want stranger men/women coming over our house or even knowing where it is for safety reasons.

If my DD was younger, I would not be concerned about a long term bf from back home visiting since she has known him for a long time and my DD would be none the wiser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds risky to me.

Can you elaborate ? What is the risk?

Not all families want a complete strange man moving in for a week. AP has been vetted, her boyfriend hasn’t.

This.

[Anonymous]

I would be ok with a long term boyfriend coming and staying.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. Only you can decide whether this is ok with you or not. Your house, your rules. It may be a red flag for you. It would not have been for our family. But it's your AP that you are interviewing, so that our experience does not matter.

[Anonymous]

Your house, your rules.

If you're not comfortable with an unknown man staying with you for a week around your kids, say that. If you would rather get to know your AP first and feel like you trust her judgment, then set a "we can reconsider it IF it's after the first 6 months of your year." BF shouldn't even think about visiting in the first few months anyway, and some APs break up with their significant other after arrival.

You can always phrase it as, you want AP to go somewhere else with her bf for the week and explore the country rather than having him around while she's working. You can further reinforce that as you will require her to take vacation time rather than have bf hang around your house and your kids.

[Anonymous]

I would ask to skype with him before I said yes.