Leaving Nanny Share & Taking Nanny
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Anonymous
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We have been in a nanny share for 2 years this June. We found the family first and then my husband and I found the nanny on our own and brought her into the share. There was about a three month gap in maternity leave (the other mom had 6 months and had her baby a little after me, I had 4) where the nanny just worked for us while we waited for the other family to join us.
Since the share "officially" started when they joined we have had a variety of issues, big and small. When her daughter joined at 6 months she sent a schedule down to every 10 minutes with things she wanted the nanny to do with her daughter - "8:00am-8:10am: Take her outside for fresh air, 8:10am-8:20am: Quiet Time - Books Only, etc, etc" - this obviously didn't last long but it was a red flag from the very beginning. Later on in the share we got into a huge heated debate about nap schedules. Her daughter was 16 months and still napping 2x per day and my son was down to one nap, so her daughters nap schedule was getting in the way of them going to the park in the morning (she wouldn't allow stroller naps - had to be in crib). When I mentioned potentially dropping the nap/asking when she thought she would drop the nap she completely freaked out on me. She started attacking my character and thought we were being completely unreasonable by even suggesting she make a change to her daughters schedule. She eventually apologized and they dropped the nap, but it definitely wasn't without drama. Our nanny loves their daughter and tolerates them, but it's always been pretty clear we are closer to her and she has even said we are her preferred family. Fast forward to today, the kids are a little over two and they just told us they're expecting their second child in August. We have been unhappy for quite some time and see this as a great opportunity to exit the share. We're also trying for #2 and we really don't have any interest in going in even deeper with them in nanny share - adding more children, etc. We have already spoken to the nanny to ask if in the future she would be interested in just working for us and not doing share anymore (we would pay her full salary) and she was more than happy with that arrangement. We obviously know she will miss the little girl she's been watching, but she's fine with the arrangement of being a private nanny. My question is really - what would you do in this situation? How much notice should we give them? General thoughts? How would you communicate it to them? We've been unhappy for probably well over a year, but have stayed in the share because it works and it's tolerable and we hardly ever have to see them with the way our houses are laid out/playroom setup. We have no interest being in the share with them with more kids as I know exactly how she is about schedules and don't want our toddler locked into her rigid structure/expectations and we're fine paying the nanny's full salary and she's happy with that arrangement as well. The relationship is pretty tension-filled. We can have conversations with them, but they tend to snap at us/talk to us poorly when they aren't getting their way or don't agree with us. |
Anonymous
| First I would ask nanny to come in early/stay late/come over on a weekend and have a talk about logistics. Just because she has indicated that she likes you doesn’t mean that you will all be able to get on the same page with a contract, etc. Start there, then decide together with the nanny how you should all handle communication and transitions. |
Anonymous
| Have they indicated that they want to continue with the share after their 2nd child is born? Maybe they are thinking of other options, too. |
Anonymous
| The nanny should run as fast as she can from both of you. |
Anonymous
| Step 1 is to talk to your nanny again, confirm you are still on the same page regarding her staying with you minus the other family, and iron out the money/contract details. The nanny should be involved in the decision regarding how much notice to give. I would try to give them at least a month, finding a nanny is not a quick or easy process and they've got a new baby coming. I realize you don't like them and they aren't the nicest, but that doesn't mean you can't have a little compassion. |
Anonymous
Ha, she probably should! Luckily she loves us dearly and we love her as if she was family! |
Anonymous
We never had a contract with the family or with the nanny. In terms of the family, we wrote one up but we never engaged it. Life just got busy and neither side got around to prioritizing it. In terms of the nanny, there is no contract there either. She speaks very little english and we knew her for years before she was our nanny. She would be making exactly what she is making now ($45k per year) - just all coming from us and she's very happy with that arrangement. |
Anonymous
| Agree with PPs about talking to nanny first. Ask when she would like to change. I would give other family at least one month notice. |
Anonymous
| Talk to the nanny. Agree to all terms before mentioning it to the family, and give them 1-month notice. I would see if the nanny can leave a couple of minutes prior to their arrival one day, and then talk to them in person. Prepare for them to give you a hard time, but stand firm about the fact that your needs have changed and sharing will no longer work. |
Anonymous
You’re not planning to give her a new baby raise??? |
Anonymous
The family wanting to keep the nanny isn’t pregnant yet. The awful family is. |
Anonymous
| You need to 200% take the blame for this to make sure the nanny does not get any wrath from the other family. Let the nanny leave 20 min early one day so you and other family can talk and she won’t get any negative stares from other family. Just make it about how you know that nap schedules are very important to them and the new baby will change the schedule and you are not interested in that. You were ok with two kids in the share but three does not make it work for you. Be polite but firm. You it is not about them paying more or being more flexible with naps. You just need a new arrangement. Then drop the bomb on them that you will be keeping the nanny (as you found her to begin with). Then ask them how long they would like to stay in the arrangement? Until 2.5 when older can go to preschool? Until new baby is born and mom is on maternity leave? Until the end of the month? |
Anonymous
We aren’t the ones pregnant - the family we would be leaving is. However, she gets an annual 13% raise, a huge bonus at Christmas and two weeks paid vacation (to use at her discretion) every year + 2 weeks off at Christmas as we are all off work and traveling and multiple holidays. We, of course would give her a raise with each child of our own we would have. |
Anonymous
This is so helpful! Thank you!! |
Anonymous
I actually disagree with this advice, and think you're giving them too many points to argue with. I would recommend something like, "a share is no longer working for us, we have made arrangements with Larla to become our private nanny between X and Y date, and we would like to discuss what transition date would work well for you all." |