Two months in...

[Anonymous]

and this is feeling like a mistake. We are a new HF and it's been a rough transition getting adjusted to having an au pair. Our AP is fine...she's responsible and sweet, gets along fine with our kids (3 year old and 8 month old) but is really just a glorified babysitter. I'm feeling super drained by the constant training and redirection. She's not proactive but does what we ask her to, most of the time, I just have to tell her explicitly every single day what we want. She's not particularly enthusiastic and I do question why she wants to be in the US, as she spends all of her free time talking to her boyfriend back home or out with other APs from her home country, which I understand is normal but doesn't strike me as someone who wants to learn the language/take advantage of living here.

It's also wearing on my husband and me to have someone living in our house, even though we didn't think it would. I work at home, my 3 y/o is in preschool most of the day, the AP is with the baby, cooped up in the house because of the cold weather and the fact that she's not a great driver... it just feels like so much more work to have our AP here, for some reason.

Short of leaving the program early, which I understand is costly and I don't want to go back on our commitment, any tips from BTDT families on how to have a better mindset about this? Or make this work better for us?

[Anonymous]

Spend some time drafting weekly schedules - that way you arent having to tell her every day and the bonus can be that the schedule should get her out of the house with the Baby during the work day - even if its just a bunch of library story hours and music classes (assuming she can bundle up the baby and herself and walk with the stroller). Driving lessons to get her confident and you comfortable with her taking the car and going places.

And also, let some things go - training and redirection sounds like a drag for everyone, so only do it when you really need to (safety), not when you would just prefer it another way

[Anonymous]

Where do you live? are you in DC metro where there is a lot of other APs? The start was rough with my AP as well. Bad driver, language issue. I just gave up on the driving because she has managed to get my toddler out every day even though she doesn't drive. She has all kind of playdate with other APs. Ass PP said: yes write the schedule and tasks and make it repeatable. Like Laundry every Monday and Friday. Library every xxx, cleanup after every meals, you get the idea. Print it and put on the fridge.
I noticed that good intentions matters, if you feel like she is trying, help her get better, that was ultimately what helped with our AP and i am actually considering extending with her. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP here. We are in Montgomery County, there are definitely a ton of other APs. She's just not outgoing and hasn't taken initiative to set anything up with anyone else...and I honestly don't want to pay for additional activities like music or gym classes when we're already paying so damn much in childcare for two kids... particularly for an 8 month old when it doesn't matter. Her morning nap is at the same time as storytimes at the local libraries. On nicer days, she will take the baby out for a while in the stroller (we are in a very walkable neighborhood) and that's all well and good, it's just that it's January and nicer weather won't be here for a few more months.

We did driving lessons, we let her drive herself to the gym and out socially with friends, and she picks my daughter up from our neighborhood preschool some days, but not at all comfortable with my baby being in the car with her.

I do need to get better with drafting a weekly schedule with specific tasks. The language barrier is just so significant, it feels impossible to communicate sometimes.

[Anonymous]

I'd give up on just the nicer days thing - she should take the baby somewhere every day even if its cold. She needs something to do! I went stir crazy at home with my kid and spent a lot of my maternity leave running errands with the baby just to get out of the house!

[Anonymous]

It isn't easy being an AP with a SAHM looking over your shoulder all day - give her a means to be more independent. Ask your LCC to faciliate AP meet ups INCLUDING playdates. Get things going for your AP if she can't do it herself, it will help you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are in Montgomery County, there are definitely a ton of other APs. She's just not outgoing and hasn't taken initiative to set anything up with anyone else...and I honestly don't want to pay for additional activities like music or gym classes when we're already paying so damn much in childcare for two kids... particularly for an 8 month old when it doesn't matter. Her morning nap is at the same time as storytimes at the local libraries. On nicer days, she will take the baby out for a while in the stroller (we are in a very walkable neighborhood) and that's all well and good, it's just that it's January and nicer weather won't be here for a few more months.

We did driving lessons, we let her drive herself to the gym and out socially with friends, and she picks my daughter up from our neighborhood preschool some days, but not at all comfortable with my baby being in the car with her.

I do need to get better with drafting a weekly schedule with specific tasks. The language barrier is just so significant, it feels impossible to communicate sometimes.

If you are not comfortable with her taking the baby in the car, maybe an AP was not the best option for you. What do you exactly expect her to initiate then if you don't want to pay for things and don't want her to drive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are in Montgomery County, there are definitely a ton of other APs. She's just not outgoing and hasn't taken initiative to set anything up with anyone else...and I honestly don't want to pay for additional activities like music or gym classes when we're already paying so damn much in childcare for two kids... particularly for an 8 month old when it doesn't matter. Her morning nap is at the same time as storytimes at the local libraries. On nicer days, she will take the baby out for a while in the stroller (we are in a very walkable neighborhood) and that's all well and good, it's just that it's January and nicer weather won't be here for a few more months.

We did driving lessons, we let her drive herself to the gym and out socially with friends, and she picks my daughter up from our neighborhood preschool some days, but not at all comfortable with my baby being in the car with her.

I do need to get better with drafting a weekly schedule with specific tasks. The language barrier is just so significant, it feels impossible to communicate sometimes.

If you are not comfortable with her taking the baby in the car, maybe an AP was not the best option for you. What do you exactly expect her to initiate then if you don't want to pay for things and don't want her to drive?

I am the PP with the AP who doesn't drive either. My AP does lot of free activities. She walks to the library, make (after school) playdates with other APs who have kids similar age as my oldest and baby tags along. She takes baby to playground every day if she has nothing else planned. At the beginning I didn't think she was that outgoing but she got more conformtable. Ask LCC about other APs in the area. Take her to places you want her to take the baby to. If she is just staying home with you, this won't last. You need to help before she can help you!
PS: Because my AP is not driving i came to realize that most APs in our neighborhood don't drive and I am more than ok with it now. It saves me ton of money and she and baby don't seem to be bored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are in Montgomery County, there are definitely a ton of other APs. She's just not outgoing and hasn't taken initiative to set anything up with anyone else...and I honestly don't want to pay for additional activities like music or gym classes when we're already paying so damn much in childcare for two kids... particularly for an 8 month old when it doesn't matter. Her morning nap is at the same time as storytimes at the local libraries. On nicer days, she will take the baby out for a while in the stroller (we are in a very walkable neighborhood) and that's all well and good, it's just that it's January and nicer weather won't be here for a few more months.

We did driving lessons, we let her drive herself to the gym and out socially with friends, and she picks my daughter up from our neighborhood preschool some days, but not at all comfortable with my baby being in the car with her.

I do need to get better with drafting a weekly schedule with specific tasks. The language barrier is just so significant, it feels impossible to communicate sometimes.

She can be dressed appropriately and sat in snow to play for 10-15 minutes several times per day. She can walk to the playground (if a 5 minute walk) with the baby and talk to others for 5-10 minutes. If she wears the baby under her coat and wears a scarf, she can leave the top portion unzipped for 30+ minutes and she and the baby will both be fine (baby will also be able to see more).

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs that there is no reason not to take the baby out every day, I had a summer baby so mine was the same age as yours in the winter. We have dogs so aside from blizzard conditions or rain we walked every day. She is probably bored out of her mind in the house all day with you at home as well. Is there a coffee shop near you? Encourage her to walk and go get coffee once a week, your baby will appreciate the excursion if he’s inside most of the time. Is she allowed friends over with their kids? There’s nothing to really say about having another adult living in the house, I agree with you that that aspect of it is hard.

[Anonymous]

There is no way I would try to work at home with an AP or a nanny. Can you find a coworking space or something?

[Anonymous]

What did you expect with an au pair to begin with?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way I would try to work at home with an AP or a nanny. Can you find a coworking space or something?

That is totally possible, I wfh 3-4 days per week and barely intervene in my AP schedule after the first few weeks. I have an office in the attic and only come down when my little one is napping unless I am not very busy. Sometimes she hosts play dates in the house and I can them but don’t even get to see them. It really depends on everyone personally. I am an easy going mom and can let go off a lot of stuffs and give the au pair lot of independence once I can trust them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and this is feeling like a mistake. We are a new HF and it's been a rough transition getting adjusted to having an au pair. Our AP is fine...she's responsible and sweet, gets along fine with our kids (3 year old and 8 month old) but is really just a glorified babysitter. I'm feeling super drained by the constant training and redirection. She's not proactive but does what we ask her to, most of the time, I just have to tell her explicitly every single day what we want. She's not particularly enthusiastic and I do question why she wants to be in the US, as she spends all of her free time talking to her boyfriend back home or out with other APs from her home country, which I understand is normal but doesn't strike me as someone who wants to learn the language/take advantage of living here.

It's also wearing on my husband and me to have someone living in our house, even though we didn't think it would. I work at home, my 3 y/o is in preschool most of the day, the AP is with the baby, cooped up in the house because of the cold weather and the fact that she's not a great driver... it just feels like so much more work to have our AP here, for some reason.

Short of leaving the program early, which I understand is costly and I don't want to go back on our commitment, any tips from BTDT families on how to have a better mindset about this? Or make this work better for us?

This is exactly what thry are and why we never got one until our kids were in school.

It is cheap flexible mediocre childcare. Perfect for kids who are low needs. Not a chance in hell I'd leave my BABY with someone so apathetic and demotivated. We hired a professional nanny with references and solid years of experience during our kids formative years. I bet she is on her phone every second you aren't looking. Not good for a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way I would try to work at home with an AP or a nanny. Can you find a coworking space or something?

I've worked at home for nearly 12 years. 5 of those years was with the same nanny and the remaining 7 with various AuPairs.

Why do you think this is difficult? It is actually the easiest worming arrangement. I never commute, can go to the gym whenever I want, can shower whenever I want, and when my youngest was a baby (I did not go to work until my kids were 0 and 3) I was able to nurse him on demand because I was home. As a FT working mom I was able to breastfeed a full year due to working from home.

My response is dead opposite as you. There is no way I would try to commute to an office to work with small children.