Two months in...

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for the productive responses. We do need to work on getting her out of the house on a regular basis, or setting up playdates (which I've told her she can/should feel free to do). I've encouraged her to go out every day between naps - she is from a warm weather climate and think she prefers to stay indoors during the winter... but she has to get used to it and I realize it's my job to make her get out. I will not, however, let her drive with my kids until I'm comfortable. I won't sacrifice their safety/wellbeing for her happiness... p.s. she doesn't even seem unhappy to be home, she seems to like the slower pace, but who knows.

In true DCUM fashion, there are some responses here that are sort of not so helpful (understatement) - "what did you expect?" "I wouldn't have an au pair with a BABY" -- ok ok, you are perfect and never make a bad judgment call. My bad.

For the record on WFH - I have worked at home fulltime for a major corporation for the last 4 years. With my first DD, we had a nanny for the first 11 months, which allowed me to breastfeed her for a year., avoid commuting, see her during the day, etc. I've done the same with my youngest, and I agree with PP who mentions all the good things about staying home. I stay in my office on a separate floor all day except when I need to nurse the baby. Just sharing my experience if anyone is considering this setup - there are a lot of positives.

[Anonymous]

This sounds so much like our situation from a few months ago. We were first time host parents, too, and we had a lot of the same issues. Our AP turned out to be a terrible driver (she got into 2 car accidents within the first 2 months) and we just did not feel comfortable with her driving the kids. We were also really surprised by her immaturity. Much like what you described, she could not make any decision on her own and we had to tell her exactly what to do all the time. This was a big problem with young kids where you cannot predict everything that is going to happen.

Since we were inexperienced, we just kind of worked through it. We knew we made a commitment to the AP and we thought that we could tough it out. Well, it turned it that we were very wrong!

Things just got worse, there was resentment, she got worse and worse with the kids. Things eventually blew up at about 4 months and by that time, we were just too far gone to fix it and we ended up in rematch.

Based on my mistakes, I would recommend two things. First - do not let anyone pressure you into doing something you are uncomfortable with. It is great that you are serious about your commitment to your AP, but never forget that you are the mom and these are your kids. If your are uncomfortable with something, don’t do it. You will just get resentful and be stressed all the time.

Second, maybe you should reach out to your LCC and request a mediation. It may seem like the issues that your are having are small, but having a chance to talk seriously about things before things get bad may be what you need to save this relationship. Looking back, in my situation, I think that taking things more seriously early on may have helped to save things.

I would also recommend doing weekly meeting.

Anyway, just a few thoughts made in hindsight based on my failed experience. Good luck with everything - it sounds like your are a really caring mom and HM!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the productive responses. We do need to work on getting her out of the house on a regular basis, or setting up playdates (which I've told her she can/should feel free to do). I've encouraged her to go out every day between naps - she is from a warm weather climate and think she prefers to stay indoors during the winter... but she has to get used to it and I realize it's my job to make her get out. I will not, however, let her drive with my kids until I'm comfortable. I won't sacrifice their safety/wellbeing for her happiness... p.s. she doesn't even seem unhappy to be home, she seems to like the slower pace, but who knows.

In true DCUM fashion, there are some responses here that are sort of not so helpful (understatement) - "what did you expect?" "I wouldn't have an au pair with a BABY" -- ok ok, you are perfect and never make a bad judgment call. My bad.

For the record on WFH - I have worked at home fulltime for a major corporation for the last 4 years. With my first DD, we had a nanny for the first 11 months, which allowed me to breastfeed her for a year., avoid commuting, see her during the day, etc. I've done the same with my youngest, and I agree with PP who mentions all the good things about staying home. I stay in my office on a separate floor all day except when I need to nurse the baby. Just sharing my experience if anyone is considering this setup - there are a lot of positives.

I WFH too though we've had nannies (hopefully it's ok for me to still post). OP, I think you should consider paying for one activity, like a music class. It is tough for a new caregiver to be alone with a baby all day long, especially in the winter, especially when they don't know anyone. This will give her a little structure and a place to go. I also think you may need to take on the task of setting up playdates for her or finding a weekly playgroup, perhaps with other au pairs. Or set up a regular playgroup in your own home once a week. Really look around for activities she can attend with the baby, if you haven't done that yet. Babies can be pretty boring and some people enjoy them more than others.

I would try to flip the unhelpful responses around to recognize that your au pair doesn't have a lot of childcare experience--which is ok! But the question is how you can best support her as she gains that experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and this is feeling like a mistake. We are a new HF and it's been a rough transition getting adjusted to having an au pair. Our AP is fine...she's responsible and sweet, gets along fine with our kids (3 year old and 8 month old) but is really just a glorified babysitter. I'm feeling super drained by the constant training and redirection. She's not proactive but does what we ask her to, most of the time, I just have to tell her explicitly every single day what we want. She's not particularly enthusiastic and I do question why she wants to be in the US, as she spends all of her free time talking to her boyfriend back home or out with other APs from her home country, which I understand is normal but doesn't strike me as someone who wants to learn the language/take advantage of living here.

It's also wearing on my husband and me to have someone living in our house, even though we didn't think it would. I work at home, my 3 y/o is in preschool most of the day, the AP is with the baby, cooped up in the house because of the cold weather and the fact that she's not a great driver... it just feels like so much more work to have our AP here, for some reason.

Short of leaving the program early, which I understand is costly and I don't want to go back on our commitment, any tips from BTDT families on how to have a better mindset about this? Or make this work better for us?

This is exactly what thry are and why we never got one until our kids were in school.



It is cheap flexible mediocre childcare. Perfect for kids who are low needs. Not a chance in hell I'd leave my BABY with someone so apathetic and demotivated. We hired a professional nanny with references and solid years of experience during our kids formative years. I bet she is on her phone every second you aren't looking. Not good for a baby.

Please, nannies are also on the phone all the time, there are good and bad au pair and there are also good and bad nannies. OP needs to help her AP get better or find a better one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and this is feeling like a mistake. We are a new HF and it's been a rough transition getting adjusted to having an au pair. Our AP is fine...she's responsible and sweet, gets along fine with our kids (3 year old and 8 month old) but is really just a glorified babysitter. I'm feeling super drained by the constant training and redirection. She's not proactive but does what we ask her to, most of the time, I just have to tell her explicitly every single day what we want. She's not particularly enthusiastic and I do question why she wants to be in the US, as she spends all of her free time talking to her boyfriend back home or out with other APs from her home country, which I understand is normal but doesn't strike me as someone who wants to learn the language/take advantage of living here.

It's also wearing on my husband and me to have someone living in our house, even though we didn't think it would. I work at home, my 3 y/o is in preschool most of the day, the AP is with the baby, cooped up in the house because of the cold weather and the fact that she's not a great driver... it just feels like so much more work to have our AP here, for some reason.

Short of leaving the program early, which I understand is costly and I don't want to go back on our commitment, any tips from BTDT families on how to have a better mindset about this? Or make this work better for us?

This is exactly what thry are and why we never got one until our kids were in school.



It is cheap flexible mediocre childcare. Perfect for kids who are low needs. Not a chance in hell I'd leave my BABY with someone so apathetic and demotivated. We hired a professional nanny with references and solid years of experience during our kids formative years. I bet she is on her phone every second you aren't looking. Not good for a baby.

Please, nannies are also on the phone all the time, there are good and bad au pair and there are also good and bad nannies. OP needs to help her AP get better or find a better one.

Yup, we let our nanny go because she was on the phone constantly and pretty much lied to us about her reading skills.

[Anonymous]

Can you articulate why it’s important for you to get the baby out of the house? With two naps it can be tricky to time it or get anywhere for a play date. (Not impossible but tricky especially if not driving.)

I would pick one thing and work in that - either make her go outside in what she thinks is cold weather or find a cheap county class to send them to or pick one other thing.

The language and hesitancy might get better with time- she really just arrived and it can take 6-8 weeks to acclimate. Address issues but stay hopeful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you articulate why it’s important for you to get the baby out of the house? With two naps it can be tricky to time it or get anywhere for a play date. (Not impossible but tricky especially if not driving.)

I would pick one thing and work in that - either make her go outside in what she thinks is cold weather or find a cheap county class to send them to or pick one other thing.

The language and hesitancy might get better with time- she really just arrived and it can take 6-8 weeks to acclimate. Address issues but stay hopeful!

OP here. I don't really care about the baby getting out of the house, to be honest. It's more a reaction to all the people saying I need to get au pair out of the house and doing things but let's be honest - my 8 month old doesn't care. I'm happy for her to be outside in the neighborhood as much as possible but I despise baby classes and the like. (Rant: They're just expensive baby competitions specifically designed for parents to waste money because they feel like they need to keep up. That's for another thread...)

I appreciate the encouragement. Will focus on the most important things and give it time...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you articulate why it’s important for you to get the baby out of the house? With two naps it can be tricky to time it or get anywhere for a play date. (Not impossible but tricky especially if not driving.)

I would pick one thing and work in that - either make her go outside in what she thinks is cold weather or find a cheap county class to send them to or pick one other thing.

The language and hesitancy might get better with time- she really just arrived and it can take 6-8 weeks to acclimate. Address issues but stay hopeful!

OP here. I don't really care about the baby getting out of the house, to be honest. It's more a reaction to all the people saying I need to get au pair out of the house and doing things but let's be honest - my 8 month old doesn't care. I'm happy for her to be outside in the neighborhood as much as possible but I despise baby classes and the like. (Rant: They're just expensive baby competitions specifically designed for parents to waste money because they feel like they need to keep up. That's for another thread...)

I appreciate the encouragement. Will focus on the most important things and give it time...

Story time is free. Free nature play (group) is free. Nature center classes are cheap, just going to interact with people outside of class is free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you articulate why it’s important for you to get the baby out of the house? With two naps it can be tricky to time it or get anywhere for a play date. (Not impossible but tricky especially if not driving.)

I would pick one thing and work in that - either make her go outside in what she thinks is cold weather or find a cheap county class to send them to or pick one other thing.

The language and hesitancy might get better with time- she really just arrived and it can take 6-8 weeks to acclimate. Address issues but stay hopeful!

OP here. I don't really care about the baby getting out of the house, to be honest. It's more a reaction to all the people saying I need to get au pair out of the house and doing things but let's be honest - my 8 month old doesn't care. I'm happy for her to be outside in the neighborhood as much as possible but I despise baby classes and the like. (Rant: They're just expensive baby competitions specifically designed for parents to waste money because they feel like they need to keep up. That's for another thread...)

I appreciate the encouragement. Will focus on the most important things and give it time...

Story time is free. Free nature play (group) is free. Nature center classes are cheap, just going to interact with people outside of class is free.

These baby "classes" can give new parents and new caregivers good ideas (songs, finger plays, etc) for interacting with an infant. The free ones (especially) vary in quality, but might be worth a look.

[Anonymous]

My AP came when my daughter was 3 months. After awhile, I felt like the AP was probably getting super bored, and so was my kid. I mean what the heck would you do all day if you were in another persons home watching their kid all day? It’s not like you are going to rearrange the furniture, paint the bathroom you’ve always wanted to, etc. Anyway, when my daughter was younger, I started to give AP task like, teach her baby sign language, teach her how to eat with a spoon, teach her to save bye-bye, stuff like that. I think my AP enjoyed the challenges and it helped them to bond. My AP was not thinking of this stuff on her own, because while she is a good AP, she is no Mary Poppins. I would also look at the weather for the week and write it down for the AP along with something like “good day for a walk!” so the AP knew I wanted this to be done. After the AP was here for awhile, we started to allow her to drive with our daughter. At first we did a lot of free library classes, but now they do swim classes and some other rec center classes. I also did some searching and found stuff like splash pads (free), parks etc for them to go to. I even have her take my daughter on trips to the store to buy food for the house. If they weren’t doing this stuff, they would be home all day watching a lot of TV which isn’t good for either of them. They also do play dates with other APs once and awhile. I totally understand the not feeling comfortable with your AP driving your kid, but maybe you will feel better about it after she has been here awhile and practiced. Or, hopefully you have a lot of stuff within walking distance. I know my AP really likes doing all this stuff, it is stimulating for her and my kid. She has a couple of AP friends that also care for young children and are stuck at home all day with them because they aren’t allowed to drive them, and there isn’t much within walking distance. The other APs have said they are really bored and unhappy.

[Anonymous]

If you will not let her drive, you need to drive them. Simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you will not let her drive, you need to drive them. Simple.

Or provide Uber or metro cards. Something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you will not let her drive, you need to drive them. Simple.

Or provide Uber or metro cards. Something.

Providing Uber or metro cards will not make an AP suddenly proactive about going out.

OP - do not let this discussion pressure you into letting your AP drive. If she's not a great driver, you shouldn't be letting her drive at all. Period. Even letting her drive in her free time, the liability for her accident will come back to you, the host family that carries the insurance and is out a totaled car. Sure, your kids weren't in the car with her at the time, but the overall hassle of dealing with a poor driver's likely inevitable accident will still be a burden on you.

Also, I fully agree with you that baby classes aren't necessary. It is literally more time packing the diaper bag, getting the baby dressed to go out, buckling into the car seat, etc. than to spend 30 minutes at the library for story time. My kids, when babies, screamed 90% of the time in the car anyway (so definitely no weak drivers who would get distracted for us!) Also, a 6mo does NOT need a "play date" where 2 APs get together and don't pay attention to babies licking a germy floor at a Starbucks, then get sick for the next week. Plus AP does not need to be disrupting the 2 nap a day schedule then complaining that the baby was cranky all day.

Inexperienced APs think babies are "easy" but don't realize the main issue is boredom. This is the job.

You can try to steer the AP towards your needs and expectations. Your LCC can help. But if it doesn't work out, you're not obligated to stay with the program. So, you lose a little money and find a better solution. AP gets to rematch and find another family (maybe with older kids than a baby).

[Anonymous]

100% agree with PP - some people just don’t love being around babies and get bored - I think this is a pretty common AP problem because many of them do not know what they are getting into. Do not let yourself get pressured into doing something you are not comfortable with just to please the AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the productive responses. We do need to work on getting her out of the house on a regular basis, or setting up playdates (which I've told her she can/should feel free to do). I've encouraged her to go out every day between naps - she is from a warm weather climate and think she prefers to stay indoors during the winter... but she has to get used to it and I realize it's my job to make her get out. I will not, however, let her drive with my kids until I'm comfortable. I won't sacrifice their safety/wellbeing for her happiness... p.s. she doesn't even seem unhappy to be home, she seems to like the slower pace, but who knows.

In true DCUM fashion, there are some responses here that are sort of not so helpful (understatement) - "what did you expect?" "I wouldn't have an au pair with a BABY" -- ok ok, you are perfect and never make a bad judgment call. My bad.

For the record on WFH - I have worked at home fulltime for a major corporation for the last 4 years. With my first DD, we had a nanny for the first 11 months, which allowed me to breastfeed her for a year., avoid commuting, see her during the day, etc. I've done the same with my youngest, and I agree with PP who mentions all the good things about staying home. I stay in my office on a separate floor all day except when I need to nurse the baby. Just sharing my experience if anyone is considering this setup - there are a lot of positives.

I WFH too though we've had nannies (hopefully it's ok for me to still post). OP, I think you should consider paying for one activity, like a music class. It is tough for a new caregiver to be alone with a baby all day long, especially in the winter, especially when they don't know anyone. This will give her a little structure and a place to go. I also think you may need to take on the task of setting up playdates for her or finding a weekly playgroup, perhaps with other au pairs. Or set up a regular playgroup in your own home once a week. Really look around for activities she can attend with the baby, if you haven't done that yet. Babies can be pretty boring and some people enjoy them more than others.

I would try to flip the unhelpful responses around to recognize that your au pair doesn't have a lot of childcare experience--which is ok! But the question is how you can best support her as she gains that experience.

How is that even OK when someone has an 8 month old? To leave a baby with with someone without much childcare experience? Insane lengths people will go to for the sake of thrift!