Live-in curfew nightmare

[Anonymous]

To start out, I've been a nanny or have taught in various ways for a little over 10 years now. I recently returned to the US after teaching English abroad for two years and accepted a new position as a nanny. This is the first time I've ever lived in and I accepted this position because I thought it would be an easy way to get re-established in the US. I didn't come back with any furniture or really the fixings required to set up a new apartment. Since I've been back I've been meeting up with old friends I haven't seen in a couple years and re-establishing some social ties so I've been going out after work a fair bit. I haven't been coming home super late, or drunk, or bringing people back, or anything like that. Just going out in the evenings. Then, this week the mom told me that they have decided they don't think it's appropriate for me to be out at night so they're giving me a CURFEW: 8pm on work nights and 10pm on nights off! This was NOT part of our initial agreement!

I feel extremely angry and humiliated by this. I've been an independent adult for for years and feel like being given a curfew is extremely disrespectful and is being treated like a child. I also don't want to live in a situation where I won't be able to live my own life. They're a young couple and I'm their first nanny. The mb is actually a year younger than me. So, maybe this is a misunderstanding on their side?

Can they do this? What recourse do I have? I haven't confronted them about it yet, because I didn't know what to say at first. If we can't work this out, I will start looking for a new position, but I can't afford to just quit, especially without a place of my own to live in.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here.

Find a new job and leave (after you got your last check !
Don't trust her to give it afterwards you said you quit).

You can't work for a person that thinks she can control your life like this.

8pm is insane. And she can't control your days off either.

Don't expect to work it out, she will be pissed for sure.

Good luck and let us know what you decide

[Anonymous]

Start looking but don't say anything to your employer. If there is any possible way you can afford your own place start looking. This is the one biggest downfall of being a live in. If things go south not only is your job affected but your "home" is affected too. Can you find a new place to live and then find a new job? I know this is a financial as well as logistical struggle but unless you are starting work late they have no right to require this. You are not an au pair. What do you think would happen if you try to talk to them? New parents can be a little well flaky when it comes to childcare. Anyway good luck.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been a live in nanny for 18 years. I’ve had a few jobs with curfews. It’s not something that has ever bothered me personally. I don’t ever go out after work unless I truly need something . I work very long hours 6 am to 8 pm so I basically just sleep and work Monday through Friday.

How late are you coming home ? Is it an issue of waking up the kids or them ? If it’s something you can’t deal with start looking for a new job ASAP

[Anonymous]

The question is how soon do you need to start in the am? You are expected to have at least 8 hours worth of rest so you can be alert in the morning. So if you start at 4 am, I believe a 8pm curfew is reasonable, but if you start after 6am they are crazy and trying to control you. Depending on this maybe you should talk to them to understand their reasoning and tell them it wasn't part of the agreement?

[Anonymous]

MB here. I don't think curfews are necessarily unreasonable and certainly shouldn't be grounds for feeling 'humiliated.' We have one for our live-in which I think works will for everyone involved. Of course, she agreed to abide by this rule at the outset. It is a problem if this wasn't part of your original contract or agreement. Maybe you could come to a compromise and find a solution that is acceptable to you both?

[Anonymous]

I cannot believe that anyone on here could think it is EVER okay to issue a curfew for their live-in Nanny, especially considering it was never discussed prior to the Nanny moving in!!

This is complete nonsense.
Bar none!

OP, I am so sorry that you are in this situation.
But you need to start planning a strategic way out.
Stat.

You may need to stay awhile & put up w/this nonsense for a tad bit longer so you can work out certain logistics to secure a place to live + a new job.

This is your only viable option because your MomBoss sounds very controlling.
She seems to think that just because you live in her home, that she has every right now to dictate what you do, and when you do it.

Not so.
I wish you the best of luck in getting out of this unfortunate situation.

Please update us & let us know how things eventually go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MB here. I don't think curfews are necessarily unreasonable and certainly shouldn't be grounds for feeling 'humiliated.' We have one for our live-in which I think works will for everyone involved. Of course, she agreed to abide by this rule at the outset. It is a problem if this wasn't part of your original contract or agreement. Maybe you could come to a compromise and find a solution that is acceptable to you both?

It’s humilating because it’s infantilizing and dehumanizing. Hope that helps.

[Anonymous]

You need to start looking for a new job immediately, OP.

[Anonymous]

I’m 24 and live with my parents after my failed long term relationship. My curfew is 10 pm. Definitely trying to move out. I think maybe in your case she’s worried that you won’t be as alert or whatever in the Am etc what time do you start ?

[Anonymous]

What the heck. Do you get paid around the clock? I would be looking for a new position. That’s honestly why I couldn’t be a live-in nanny. I want to go home and drink my wine or if I’m invited out, as an adult, I should be able to do just that and stay out as late as I’d like. Whatever you decide to do after your ‘contract hours’ is totally up to you. And 11pm on a weekend? That’s absurd. Hell, that’s a curfew for a teenager on the weekend. I would honestly give my notice and my second job would be with a separate entrance or a curfew (I don’t even like that word as an adult) would be something reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MB here. I don't think curfews are necessarily unreasonable and certainly shouldn't be grounds for feeling 'humiliated.' We have one for our live-in which I think works will for everyone involved. Of course, she agreed to abide by this rule at the outset. It is a problem if this wasn't part of your original contract or agreement. Maybe you could come to a compromise and find a solution that is acceptable to you both?

I would have told you to put your curfew where the sun don't shine! You have no right to dictate to an adult what time she has to be in after her work is finished. I bet you have job creep everywhere.

OP, can you stay with a friend for a few months. Get out of this place.

[Anonymous]

Wow - MB here, and that is nuts. I might have a problem if you were coming home stumbling drunk and loud and waking everyone up. But that's a separate issue. I cannot imagine setting a curfew for another adult.

Is the set-up of the house an issue? Like do you have a seperate entrance? I don't think I would personally want to live in as a nanny unless I could come and go as I pleased, without it being monitored.

Also, 8pm is bullshit. That's the time my 3 year olds need to be in bed. What are you supposed to do, just sit in your room all night?

These people are weird. I heartily second all the advice to GET OUT as soon as you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow - MB here, and that is nuts. I might have a problem if you were coming home stumbling drunk and loud and waking everyone up. But that's a separate issue. I cannot imagine setting a curfew for another adult.

Is the set-up of the house an issue? Like do you have a seperate entrance? I don't think I would personally want to live in as a nanny unless I could come and go as I pleased, without it being monitored.

Also, 8pm is bullshit. That's the time my 3 year olds need to be in bed. What are you supposed to do, just sit in your room all night?

These people are weird. I heartily second all the advice to GET OUT as soon as you can.

Haha. I like you!

[Anonymous]

I think you should stay in their space all night long until you go to bed. When they are in the kitchen you be in the kitchen. If the tv is in the family room, sit in there at night. They might start to rethink giving you a curfew. Passive aggressive, yes, but they are being unreasonable.