Bereavement/time off

[Anonymous]

Our nanny unexpectedly lost her mother two months ago. She took two and a half weeks off for that, which was fine. Now ever since she has been back, every week she asks at the last minute if she can take a day off to help her family with issues related to her mom's passing. I understand this is so hard for her and that being there for her family is important. But at the same time, all this time off unexpectedly is making it really hard to juggle things at work and with our two DCs (one of whom is in school -- she only has the other one). Advice? Thoughts? She's been overall wonderful so we don't think of changing, but I am getting really stressed with work and family stuff (we've also had some stressful family issues during this time).

[Anonymous]

Just have an open and honest discussion with her. Tell her how hard the last minute stuff is for your family.

But understand it is unbearably painful to lose your mother and there are always things to tend to. I doubt that your nanny is trying to scam you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just have an open and honest discussion with her. Tell her how hard the last minute stuff is for your family.

But understand it is unbearably painful to lose your mother and there are always things to tend to. I doubt that your nanny is trying to scam you, OP.

No, of course she isn't! I know that, and I understand how she's feeling.

That's why I just don't know how to address this. I feel like it would be interpreted as invalidating her grief to tell her, oh hey I'm stressed about work. I'm sure stuff like that seems pretty trivial to her now. I just don't have any idea how to go about this. The last thing I want to do is offend her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just have an open and honest discussion with her. Tell her how hard the last minute stuff is for your family.

But understand it is unbearably painful to lose your mother and there are always things to tend to. I doubt that your nanny is trying to scam you, OP.

No, of course she isn't! I know that, and I understand how she's feeling.

That's why I just don't know how to address this. I feel like it would be interpreted as invalidating her grief to tell her, oh hey I'm stressed about work. I'm sure stuff like that seems pretty trivial to her now. I just don't have any idea how to go about this. The last thing I want to do is offend her.

Just talk to her about the unexpected and unplanned time off. Explain how you understand but that you’re having a hard time covering it. Just be honest.

[Anonymous]

I understand everyone grieves differently, but I think she has taken an excessive amount of time off. My mom passed away recently, I took two days off. I think you have been very accommodating, you need to be honest with her and let her know that you can’t take any more time off from work.

[Anonymous]

Just be honest how taking time off affects your family.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to talk to her and set limits. If she took 2.5 weeks off, there is probably paperwork and a few other things but that can be done off hours.

[Anonymous]

This is ridiculous and excessive. At work I think you get 5 days off for an immediate family member.

When my dad died, I took off two days for the funeral (I "worked from home" for a third day), and then took a personal day, then had the weekend, and then was back at work. A month later I still was able to use two days for meeting with an estate lawyer, etc.

Set a limit. You hired her to do a job. If she's not able to commit to the job requirements, then this isn't working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is ridiculous and excessive. At work I think you get 5 days off for an immediate family member.

When my dad died, I took off two days for the funeral (I "worked from home" for a third day), and then took a personal day, then had the weekend, and then was back at work. A month later I still was able to use two days for meeting with an estate lawyer, etc.

Set a limit. You hired her to do a job. If she's not able to commit to the job requirements, then this isn't working.

I don't disagree with you that it's more than a normal employer would give under any circumstances. We made some allowances because she had to travel to another country.

Re: limits, I think it's really tricky with nannies. Our child is bonded with her and she is otherwise excellent (probably the best we've had). Also, the traits that make her loyal to her family in this situation are ones that make her go the extra mile for ours. So when I factor in the time it would take to search and do trials and probably end up with someone not as good, that's an issue. Searching and trials has easily taken me a few weeks every time. I'm hesitant to blow this up over something that is eventually (I am not sure when -- in a month? two months?) going to be different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to talk to her and set limits. If she took 2.5 weeks off, there is probably paperwork and a few other things but that can be done off hours.

Financial stuff needs to happen during bank hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand everyone grieves differently, but I think she has taken an excessive amount of time off. My mom passed away recently, I took two days off. I think you have been very accommodating, you need to be honest with her and let her know that you can’t take any more time off from work.

I don't disagree with you. I think this is very cultural, though. Have to respect that different cultures do things differently and American culture is known for being pretty impersonal and workcentric, relative to others.

[Anonymous]

Regardless, OP, you and your child have needs. For me, personally, I couldn’t handle the last minute absences. We just don’t have those kinds of jobs.

I would sit down and talk to your nanny honestly and find a solution together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to talk to her and set limits. If she took 2.5 weeks off, there is probably paperwork and a few other things but that can be done off hours.

Financial stuff needs to happen during bank hours.

She had a few weeks and it should not be daily/last minute.

[Anonymous]

Can she take your little one with her while she attends to some of the details regarding her moms death?

[Anonymous]

If her mom died in another country, what are the things she needs to do that she keeps taking time off to do?