Thinking about moving on

[Anonymous]

WARNING: LONG POST

We're on our 4th year of the program. Was planning to do one more year after this, but I don't think I have it in me. We've had a mix of really good, and bad experiences - nothing as bad as some of the horror stories I've heard, but I can't handle essentially taking care of another person who provides inconsistent or inadequate care. We did 4 years of a nanny before switching to au pairs. And there are lots pros and cons to both options. I think I'm ultimately exhausted from relying on a singe child care provider - their problems become my problems, and I rarely receive support for my family outside of what's required of the job.

I know I will need to figure out after school care, and struggle with summer - but I hope I can figure it out - like most families do.

The main thing I'm really worried about leaving the program - and not going back to a nanny - is that the kids will lose a source of love and attention. All of our providers have been incredibly loving, and that has been the biggest value they offer. We have no family in the area and they rarely visit - and I'm worried they won't have the same amount of love they've had over the years. We have 3 young kids (ages 4 - 8).

With no au pair, I will be the one running around more, rushing to and from work, which isn't exactly conducive to being really present for my kids. I'm worried I won't be able to give them the attention they need.

What I liked about our au pairs is that they really got "down on the ground" with my kids, participated in all of their made up games and projects. I would love to find some one else who could provide this type of attention to my kids - but not someone I need to show up so I can go to work. Maybe some one in the evenings or weekends, with the primary purpose of playing with the kids (and maybe giving me a little breathing room).

For those in the same predicament, what type of person have you found to provide this type of support? A college student? High school? Retired or part time nanny?

Where's the best place to find these magical beings? Care.com? Local listserv? Local college listservs?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you want an au pair

Sometimes the grass isn’t greener on the other side......

[Anonymous]

I’m in your shoes, and just signed up for a 5th year. I’m thinkjg I will need to have this work until
My youngest is 8.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand the “inconsistent and inadequate care” but all your APs have been “incredibly loving.” Did you not rematch at all and try to stick it out? If an AP can’t do their job, you need to dump them and find a better match. Period. No matter how “loving” to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the “inconsistent and inadequate care” but all your APs have been “incredibly loving.” Did you not rematch at all and try to stick it out? If an AP can’t do their job, you need to dump them and find a better match. Period. No matter how “loving” to the kids.

yes, we had 1 rematch. all of them have loved the kids, but didn't always follow through on things like discipline or chores related to the kids. our current is great with the kids most times, loves them, but can be incredibly moody, and short tempered other times.

all have done or requested some things that have screwed up my ability to balance life and work. like when our last au pair insisted on going home to brazil for 3 weeks to have a cavity filled - with less than a week's notice. or our current one mentioned that she was planning a 2 week trip with her friends coming in June a week ago - although I told her upfront and addressed it our handbook that we can't give her long vacations during the summer time - and need more than a few weeks to figure coverage for the kids.

and although they loved my kids (and for the most part my kids didn't feel the impact of any upheaval) their care (or support of our family) has been inconsistent and inadequate. and over time, has taken a toll on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the “inconsistent and inadequate care” but all your APs have been “incredibly loving.” Did you not rematch at all and try to stick it out? If an AP can’t do their job, you need to dump them and find a better match. Period. No matter how “loving” to the kids.

yes, we had 1 rematch. all of them have loved the kids, but didn't always follow through on things like discipline or chores related to the kids. our current is great with the kids most times, loves them, but can be incredibly moody, and short tempered other times.

all have done or requested some things that have screwed up my ability to balance life and work. like when our last au pair insisted on going home to brazil for 3 weeks to have a cavity filled - with less than a week's notice. or our current one mentioned that she was planning a 2 week trip with her friends coming in June a week ago - although I told her upfront and addressed it our handbook that we can't give her long vacations during the summer time - and need more than a few weeks to figure coverage for the kids.

and although they loved my kids (and for the most part my kids didn't feel the impact of any upheaval) their care (or support of our family) has been inconsistent and inadequate. and over time, has taken a toll on me.

Without consistent care options for your young kids, way more stress is going to be out on you then all of the incidents above combined IMO. I am a working married mother of 3 young kids (4, 7, and 9) who are all in school FT, and do camp throughout most of the summer. Even with that said, there is a ton that our AP helps to do. The “little” things that are huge time savers like packing their summer camp bags, ensuring they have clean swimsuits, towels, sunscreen, and goggles, washing their clothes, sick days, snow days, packing those darn lunches, helping me tag team when one has practice but the other two want to stay home ... this list goes on and on - and yes, as you state, running around the backyard with the kids, playing legos or some random made up game or Pokémon when I’m unable to do so. I’m not quite sure how you fill all of those voids with no family around and two working parents.

Good luck! Post an update to let us know how everything goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the “inconsistent and inadequate care” but all your APs have been “incredibly loving.” Did you not rematch at all and try to stick it out? If an AP can’t do their job, you need to dump them and find a better match. Period. No matter how “loving” to the kids.

yes, we had 1 rematch. all of them have loved the kids, but didn't always follow through on things like discipline or chores related to the kids. our current is great with the kids most times, loves them, but can be incredibly moody, and short tempered other times.

all have done or requested some things that have screwed up my ability to balance life and work. like when our last au pair insisted on going home to brazil for 3 weeks to have a cavity filled - with less than a week's notice. or our current one mentioned that she was planning a 2 week trip with her friends coming in June a week ago - although I told her upfront and addressed it our handbook that we can't give her long vacations during the summer time - and need more than a few weeks to figure coverage for the kids.

and although they loved my kids (and for the most part my kids didn't feel the impact of any upheaval) their care (or support of our family) has been inconsistent and inadequate. and over time, has taken a toll on me.

Unfortunately our babysitters did the same, calling in last minute for ridiculous reasons (i.e, "my dishwasher broke", "I need to buy a dress at the last minute" -- both of which actually happened.) I would love to be done with the program too since we don't need many hours and a nanny would actually be cheaper, but the flexibility of the program isn't easily replaced. And if your kids are loved, all the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WARNING: LONG POST

We're on our 4th year of the program. Was planning to do one more year after this, but I don't think I have it in me. We've had a mix of really good, and bad experiences - nothing as bad as some of the horror stories I've heard, but I can't handle essentially taking care of another person who provides inconsistent or inadequate care. We did 4 years of a nanny before switching to au pairs. And there are lots pros and cons to both options. I think I'm ultimately exhausted from relying on a singe child care provider - their problems become my problems, and I rarely receive support for my family outside of what's required of the job.

I know I will need to figure out after school care, and struggle with summer - but I hope I can figure it out - like most families do.

The main thing I'm really worried about leaving the program - and not going back to a nanny - is that the kids will lose a source of love and attention. All of our providers have been incredibly loving, and that has been the biggest value they offer. We have no family in the area and they rarely visit - and I'm worried they won't have the same amount of love they've had over the years. We have 3 young kids (ages 4 - 8).

With no au pair, I will be the one running around more, rushing to and from work, which isn't exactly conducive to being really present for my kids. I'm worried I won't be able to give them the attention they need.

What I liked about our au pairs is that they really got "down on the ground" with my kids, participated in all of their made up games and projects. I would love to find some one else who could provide this type of attention to my kids - but not someone I need to show up so I can go to work. Maybe some one in the evenings or weekends, with the primary purpose of playing with the kids (and maybe giving me a little breathing room).

For those in the same predicament, what type of person have you found to provide this type of support? A college student? High school? Retired or part time nanny?

Where's the best place to find these magical beings? Care.com? Local listserv? Local college listservs?

We left the program 2 years ago after only 3 years and it has been absolutely wonderful. I just read these boards for amusement.

We have the same summer sitter again this year home from college. Yesterday was the first day she was watching the kids. She still brings them to the half day camps I'm sending them to and makes sure they have sunblock on for the pool. I love love love not having to concern myself with another adult in the house. Today they are making cookies. It is nice having someone who is fresh and excited to do fun things. Also great having someone with their own car, who speaks English fluently and who knows the area and does not need any explanation.

For the school year, my oldest son just comes home after school and my youngest goes to TKD. The TKD place is open teacher work days, but normally DH or I take that day off anyway in order to do something fun with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WARNING: LONG POST

We're on our 4th year of the program. Was planning to do one more year after this, but I don't think I have it in me. We've had a mix of really good, and bad experiences - nothing as bad as some of the horror stories I've heard, but I can't handle essentially taking care of another person who provides inconsistent or inadequate care. We did 4 years of a nanny before switching to au pairs. And there are lots pros and cons to both options. I think I'm ultimately exhausted from relying on a singe child care provider - their problems become my problems, and I rarely receive support for my family outside of what's required of the job.

I know I will need to figure out after school care, and struggle with summer - but I hope I can figure it out - like most families do.

The main thing I'm really worried about leaving the program - and not going back to a nanny - is that the kids will lose a source of love and attention. All of our providers have been incredibly loving, and that has been the biggest value they offer. We have no family in the area and they rarely visit - and I'm worried they won't have the same amount of love they've had over the years. We have 3 young kids (ages 4 - 8).

With no au pair, I will be the one running around more, rushing to and from work, which isn't exactly conducive to being really present for my kids. I'm worried I won't be able to give them the attention they need.

What I liked about our au pairs is that they really got "down on the ground" with my kids, participated in all of their made up games and projects. I would love to find some one else who could provide this type of attention to my kids - but not someone I need to show up so I can go to work. Maybe some one in the evenings or weekends, with the primary purpose of playing with the kids (and maybe giving me a little breathing room).

For those in the same predicament, what type of person have you found to provide this type of support? A college student? High school? Retired or part time nanny?

Where's the best place to find these magical beings? Care.com? Local listserv? Local college listservs?

We left the program 2 years ago after only 3 years and it has been absolutely wonderful. I just read these boards for amusement.

We have the same summer sitter again this year home from college. Yesterday was the first day she was watching the kids. She still brings them to the half day camps I'm sending them to and makes sure they have sunblock on for the pool. I love love love not having to concern myself with another adult in the house. Today they are making cookies. It is nice having someone who is fresh and excited to do fun things. Also great having someone with their own car, who speaks English fluently and who knows the area and does not need any explanation.

For the school year, my oldest son just comes home after school and my youngest goes to TKD. The TKD place is open teacher work days, but normally DH or I take that day off anyway in order to do something fun with the kids.

Where did you find your summer sitter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WARNING: LONG POST

We're on our 4th year of the program. Was planning to do one more year after this, but I don't think I have it in me. We've had a mix of really good, and bad experiences - nothing as bad as some of the horror stories I've heard, but I can't handle essentially taking care of another person who provides inconsistent or inadequate care. We did 4 years of a nanny before switching to au pairs. And there are lots pros and cons to both options. I think I'm ultimately exhausted from relying on a singe child care provider - their problems become my problems, and I rarely receive support for my family outside of what's required of the job.

I know I will need to figure out after school care, and struggle with summer - but I hope I can figure it out - like most families do.

The main thing I'm really worried about leaving the program - and not going back to a nanny - is that the kids will lose a source of love and attention. All of our providers have been incredibly loving, and that has been the biggest value they offer. We have no family in the area and they rarely visit - and I'm worried they won't have the same amount of love they've had over the years. We have 3 young kids (ages 4 - 8).

With no au pair, I will be the one running around more, rushing to and from work, which isn't exactly conducive to being really present for my kids. I'm worried I won't be able to give them the attention they need.

What I liked about our au pairs is that they really got "down on the ground" with my kids, participated in all of their made up games and projects. I would love to find some one else who could provide this type of attention to my kids - but not someone I need to show up so I can go to work. Maybe some one in the evenings or weekends, with the primary purpose of playing with the kids (and maybe giving me a little breathing room).

For those in the same predicament, what type of person have you found to provide this type of support? A college student? High school? Retired or part time nanny?

Where's the best place to find these magical beings? Care.com? Local listserv? Local college listservs?

We left the program 2 years ago after only 3 years and it has been absolutely wonderful. I just read these boards for amusement.

We have the same summer sitter again this year home from college. Yesterday was the first day she was watching the kids. She still brings them to the half day camps I'm sending them to and makes sure they have sunblock on for the pool. I love love love not having to concern myself with another adult in the house. Today they are making cookies. It is nice having someone who is fresh and excited to do fun things. Also great having someone with their own car, who speaks English fluently and who knows the area and does not need any explanation.

For the school year, my oldest son just comes home after school and my youngest goes to TKD. The TKD place is open teacher work days, but normally DH or I take that day off anyway in order to do something fun with the kids.

Where did you find your summer sitter?

Neighborhood Nextdoor

[Anonymous]

Does not exist.
Well, reliably.

the problem with local sitters is that they get a better gig or change their schedule and you’re the cut.

That’s why I stick with au pairs, because I need reliable childcare. A friend of mine moved from APs to local sitters and cycled through at least 5 in 9 months. They don’t like it, they get a better gig, their schedule changes (college or high school), get sick all the time or they just flake.

It’s a real shame because it would be so much cheaper for me to hire a local sitter.

[Anonymous]

You are worried that you won’t be able to give your children the love and attention they need and your solution is to hire a sitter for the short time that you DO have with them??? I am 110% for working parents, I’m just not understanding how this solves the problem for your children’s nurturing needs. Maybe hire a college student for after school and summers. Someone younger that can stick around for more than a semester and be willing to work with her school schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does not exist.
Well, reliably.

the problem with local sitters is that they get a better gig or change their schedule and you’re the cut.

That’s why I stick with au pairs, because I need reliable childcare. A friend of mine moved from APs to local sitters and cycled through at least 5 in 9 months. They don’t like it, they get a better gig, their schedule changes (college or high school), get sick all the time or they just flake.

It’s a real shame because it would be so much cheaper for me to hire a local sitter.

This has not been my experience at all. We have had the same sitter for 2 years now since we left the AP program. I have not regretted it for a second and wish we had left much earlier. The juice was not worth the squeeze.

My neighbor has a child who is autistic and has had the same sitter for 8 years now. His son is in high school and still needs supervision.

Maybe your friend is a nightmare to work for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does not exist.
Well, reliably.

the problem with local sitters is that they get a better gig or change their schedule and you’re the cut.

That’s why I stick with au pairs, because I need reliable childcare. A friend of mine moved from APs to local sitters and cycled through at least 5 in 9 months. They don’t like it, they get a better gig, their schedule changes (college or high school), get sick all the time or they just flake.

It’s a real shame because it would be so much cheaper for me to hire a local sitter.

This has not been my experience at all. We have had the same sitter for 2 years now since we left the AP program. I have not regretted it for a second and wish we had left much earlier. The juice was not worth the squeeze.

My neighbor has a child who is autistic and has had the same sitter for 8 years now. His son is in high school and still needs supervision.

Maybe your friend is a nightmare to work for.

Maybe.
Are you in the DMV?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are worried that you won’t be able to give your children the love and attention they need and your solution is to hire a sitter for the short time that you DO have with them??? I am 110% for working parents, I’m just not understanding how this solves the problem for your children’s nurturing needs. Maybe hire a college student for after school and summers. Someone younger that can stick around for more than a semester and be willing to work with her school schedule.

OP here, I'm not afraid to admit that I need to devote some time to me or my husband when not working to be healthy (and well rounded). We have absolutely no family around so our kids lean solely on us (and our au pair) for attention and support. They build a connection with their care givers similar to a family member - like what I (and many others have had) as a child when living close to my family. I want to help them have a connection like this - but with no family around - it's usually through a paid caregiver. Being nurtured by people/mentors/caregivers other than your parents is actually a healthy thing to do. It doesn't mean that I will stop nurturing my child, just providing them with additional support.