Would this bother you?

[Anonymous]

DD's babysitter told me today that she is going to take DD and one of DD's classmates to the playground tomorrow. At first, I thought she meant that she had set up a playdate with the classmate's mom, but she told me no, she offered to take the two kids together on her own without the other mom there. She didn't ask my permission beforehand and it's not like she's offering to watch the other kid for just 15 or 30 minutes, but with picking up the kid, walking to the playground and taking her back home, a good two hours. I don't necessarily mind her watching both kids since she's okay with it, but that she didn't think it was something she needed to run by me first. I'm also concerned that the babysitter runs late as it is (resulting in me paying for extra time), which will get exacerbated by having a second child to watch.

This is the second time that she's offered to help out the other mom (who has her hands full with a younger child) without asking me. Her first favor is an ongoing not one-time thing, and it kind of stresses me out since it's something that the sitter and I now both help out with and I have to remember to remember it.

I also think it's a little weird that the mom is okay accepting help from my babysitter without talking to me first, but I'm more concerned about the babysitter, not the other mom.

WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I personally would be glad about the fostering friendship between the kids because my kid doesn’t have the easiest time making friends. Can you reinforce the end time and express that she will have to take extra care when she sets up play dates like this? (And to be clear it is still a play date even without the other mom.)

[Anonymous]

The situation benefits your child, right? I am assuming this is something your child wants to do.

Why should the babysitter run it by you? I honestly don’t understand your concerns here, OP.

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP!

First, I’m not understanding this other obligation that is regular and now something you have to do. I think clarifying that will help us get a fuller picture.

How old is your child? How often does the babysitter come? How long has the babysitter been with your family?

Regarding your current situation, did the mother ask the sitter to take the child? It doesn’t sound as though she was asked but rather offered.

Is your child friends with this other child (sees the other somewhat regularly? Maybe the kids would like to have a playdate or the sitter sees that they would enjoy a play date, but the other mother can’t make it due to her obligations at home. Are you not okay with this? If not, what makes you uncomfortable?

Regarding pay, if she voluntarily stays at the park late, it is voluntary and you absolutely do not need to pay for that. If she’s running late doing a bigger outing or an obligation for your family, then you do.

I am an adult, career nanny. Most of my work connections are parents, not nannies. I cannot imagine anyone ever wanting to contact my bosses unless they wanted to personally invite them to something, but never to ask permission about my behavior, not ever! Even if I agreed to babysit their kids while I’m on duty, that would be something that I personally handle with my bosses. I also see absolutely zero problem with taking another child to the park with us. I have done that with all of my families and at nearly all ages! But I am also their regular nanny and a temporary part of the parenting team. I know my bosses well and they know me well. I could never work for a family that didn’t trust me to handle the routine autonomously. But, this may be a younger, occasional or very part time sitter, which certainly changes the dynamics a bit. You should ALWAYS be able to talk with your child’s caregiver about concerns that you are having. My thoughts on how that conversation should go and what the important aspects are, depend on the answers above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally would be glad about the fostering friendship between the kids because my kid doesn’t have the easiest time making friends. Can you reinforce the end time and express that she will have to take extra care when she sets up play dates like this? (And to be clear it is still a play date even without the other mom.)

OP here. Normally, I would be glad about fostering friendships, but DD and this girl get along just so-so. They tend to fight a lot and DD got really upset after their last play date - talked about how sad it made her for weeks after, something she NEVER does - and said she didn't want to see this girl anymore. Babysitter was on this last play date and others so is aware of this. She is a kind, generous person and I think her impulse to offer the play date had more to do with her wanting to help the other mom and less to do with helping DD make friends. As I'm writing this, I'm realizing that if sitter had offered a play date with one of DD's other classmates, I wouldn't be half as bothered.

Reinforcing end time is a great suggestion and I will do that. I am also going to ask her to run play dates by me in the future because of what I described above and because there might be considerations such as schedule that she is not aware of.

[Anonymous]

You’re being petty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP!

First, I’m not understanding this other obligation that is regular and now something you have to do. I think clarifying that will help us get a fuller picture.

How old is your child? How often does the babysitter come? How long has the babysitter been with your family?

Regarding your current situation, did the mother ask the sitter to take the child? It doesn’t sound as though she was asked but rather offered.

Is your child friends with this other child (sees the other somewhat regularly? Maybe the kids would like to have a playdate or the sitter sees that they would enjoy a play date, but the other mother can’t make it due to her obligations at home. Are you not okay with this? If not, what makes you uncomfortable?

Regarding pay, if she voluntarily stays at the park late, it is voluntary and you absolutely do not need to pay for that. If she’s running late doing a bigger outing or an obligation for your family, then you do.

I am an adult, career nanny. Most of my work connections are parents, not nannies. I cannot imagine anyone ever wanting to contact my bosses unless they wanted to personally invite them to something, but never to ask permission about my behavior, not ever! Even if I agreed to babysit their kids while I’m on duty, that would be something that I personally handle with my bosses. I also see absolutely zero problem with taking another child to the park with us. I have done that with all of my families and at nearly all ages! But I am also their regular nanny and a temporary part of the parenting team. I know my bosses well and they know me well. I could never work for a family that didn’t trust me to handle the routine autonomously. But, this may be a younger, occasional or very part time sitter, which certainly changes the dynamics a bit. You should ALWAYS be able to talk with your child’s caregiver about concerns that you are having. My thoughts on how that conversation should go and what the important aspects are, depend on the answers above.

OP again. Thank you for your very well thought-out reply to my post! DD is a preschooler. Babysitter has a lot of experience with children (mostly teaching), but this is her first position as a part-time nanny/babysitter. She has been with us for over a year and comes several days a week. If she were an experienced full-time nanny, of course, she would have free rein to schedule play dates on her own. But so far and except this one time, she has never scheduled any play dates on her own (and not because I ever said not to). If she had scheduled this play date to help DD further her friendships, I would applaud it. But DD doesn't get along that well with this girl and I've expressed to sitter how nice it would be for DD to have play dates with OTHER kids. Given this and knowing our sitter's personality (very kind & helpful) as well as I do, I really do think it had more to do with her desire to help the other mom. I am all for helping other people, but I expect when sitter is on the job, that she put DD first.

The regular favor is helping with pick-up. Sitter and I split up pick-up duties and by sitter offering to help with this, I naturally got pulled in. It's in itself minor help, just 10 minutes of our time, but it distracts sitter so that she has forgotten to take DD to a class afterward. Overall impression I have is that she is getting chummy with this mom and it's affecting how she does her job.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to her and let her know she needs to run it by you. I would not pay her extra as she arranged this without your consent and you are not asking her to do you a favor of watching another kid. I would suspect there is more to the story and Mom is looking for a free babysitter/help and asked or did some sob story to make babysitter feel bad. Mom should be picking up from the park or your house and not your sitter taking the child home. Mom may be paying sitter. It just sounds a bit shady.

I don't think anyone should make decisions on your child, especially when you are paying them without talking to you first.

[Anonymous]

I may be in the minority here - but I believe that OP should completely have 100% FULL trust w/her Babysitter here.

Her Babysitter should have full autonomy in order for her to do her best work possible.

OP, as a Nanny I would feel micromanaged a tad.
I would just hope that my employer would trust me to care for my charge as best as I possibly can & leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to her and let her know she needs to run it by you. I would not pay her extra as she arranged this without your consent and you are not asking her to do you a favor of watching another kid. I would suspect there is more to the story and Mom is looking for a free babysitter/help and asked or did some sob story to make babysitter feel bad. Mom should be picking up from the park or your house and not your sitter taking the child home. Mom may be paying sitter. It just sounds a bit shady.

I don't think anyone should make decisions on your child, especially when you are paying them without talking to you first.

OP here. I don't think there's anything shady going on. My sitter is really honest and open with me and tells me things she knows I won't like to hear even though there would be no way I'd otherwise find out. I am side-eyeing the dynamic between sitter and this mom I see developing. Sitter keeps offering help (twice in a month) and mom has accepted both times and I can see this becoming an ongoing thing if I don't say anything now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I may be in the minority here - but I believe that OP should completely have 100% FULL trust w/her Babysitter here.

Her Babysitter should have full autonomy in order for her to do her best work possible.

OP, as a Nanny I would feel micromanaged a tad.
I would just hope that my employer would trust me to care for my charge as best as I possibly can & leave it at that.

Hi, this is OP again. If sitter were a full-time nanny, I would agree with you 100 PERCENT. I was thinking this through last night and I realize part of the issue is that she is only part-time, about 15 hours, while I'm with DD the rest of the time, which is a lot more. A FT nanny is the child's primary weekday caregiver and should have full autonomy, but in this case, I'm the primary weekday caregiver and schedule all of DD's play dates and classes. Sitter has autonomy to do what she likes with DD - on the day of - but has never planned anything in advance. I think this level of micromanaging is appropriate for a PT sitter.

[Anonymous]

OMG. Get a life, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG. Get a life, OP.

Umm, you are trolling the internet... see the irony?

[Anonymous]

OP, just tell your sitter that you understand her desire to be helpful but that you feel the play dates with this particular child are not in the best interest of your child and that you would like for her to prioritize your child’s well being and keep her best interest at the forefront of all decisions. Is this also the child that you’re doing carpool with? Did your sitter ask if the carpool was okay before arranging it? Even as a full time nanny, I would not do that without discussion with my bosses.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I spoke to our sitter earlier today and just asked that she run anything that is "out of routine" including favors for other moms & play dates by me first and she was totally fine with it. I understand that this would be insulting and micromanaging to a professional full-time nanny, but she is a part-time babysitter who spends only a few hours at a time with DD and is used to me doing all of the activity and play date planning. Thanks to everyone who gave helpful input.