Homebody au pair

[Anonymous]

We really like our au pair so I feel silly even writing this. She is home entirely too much! She’s a second year, so maybe she has already explored DC. Her first year was pretty traumatic with the prior HF. Or she could be saving money. But it would be nice if she ventured out once in a while, especially on weekends. Any tips?

[Anonymous]

Define home "too much"? Does she go out at all? To the library, the gym, Starbucks, shopping? Is it necessary for her to drive everywhere? How is her driving? Is your home relatively far (MD vs VA; DC vs Fairfax County) from her last HF?

Does she seem happy and cheerful? Do you think she is regretting having extended? Is she doing her job well? This would only bother me because it's usually a sign that the AP is not happy. But some APs might be perfectly happy sticking close to home.

[Anonymous]

OP here. She is happy and cheerful. Goes to workout--and that's about it. she has a car for her use and is a good driver. I am thinking she just really despises winter.

[Anonymous]

It's just her personality if she's happy enough. Match better next time if this bothers you.

We gave up with ours after nagging our LCC to introduce her to other cluster au pairs, gave gift certificates to easily accessible places to go out shopping or eat, and introduced her directly to other host families' au pairs who also were looking for more friends. We asked what her interests are and made non-pushy suggestions for things to do (that she never bothered to follow up on), such as she mentioned in December that she loves Christmas movies and I sent her a link to some local cinema group that would feature a cheap ($5?) Christmas movie every Saturday afternoon.

We will be trying to avoid hosting happy homebody ever again.

[Anonymous]

What bothers you about her being around on the weekend if she is happy and cheerful (and not actually sulking and looking miserable)? I assume she spends most of the time in her room? Your house is her home for the year, some people like to spend their weekend relaxing in the comfort of their home on weekends and if your kid are school-aged she might be out a lot during the weekdays and not feel the need to go out on weekends?

You might want to offer her tickets to events she would like as an insensitive to get out of the house but you really can't be mad about her wanting to spend her weekends at home. She is as entitled to stay home on her time off as you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What bothers you about her being around on the weekend if she is happy and cheerful (and not actually sulking and looking miserable)? I assume she spends most of the time in her room? Your house is her home for the year, some people like to spend their weekend relaxing in the comfort of their home on weekends and if your kid are school-aged she might be out a lot during the weekdays and not feel the need to go out on weekends?

You might want to offer her tickets to events she would like as an insensitive to get out of the house but you really can't be mad about her wanting to spend her weekends at home. She is as entitled to stay home on her time off as you are.

Not OP, but any seasoned hf knows homebody ap = recipe for not great ap.

Hf with small kids need to hang around the house a lot more on weekends and are housebound due to chores that won't get done during the week. The normal thing to expect from a twenty-something person coming to the US would be to have better things to do. Like whatever we did when we were that age.

Obviously if they are partying until the ams they will have a lazy day and not leave room. But this is not what op is describing.
All my aps came with great plans and expectations. All confirmed they were early birds, outdoorsy, active and interested in cultural and sports activities. The earliest any would rise (only with us waking her) would be 8am.

None of them went for any of the long runs or dog walks they had so heavily enquired about. All gained weight, state of room went from teenage cluttered to outright filthy, they would skip breakfast and show up just before pick-up time all spacey and not alert. Being in a rush and a frenzy about simple things (location of car key, exact day of week and ups is it a ballet day?!, after remembering still leaving house without ballet gear). Lack of general attention was apparent at all times (would not hear noises that everyone else heard, would not see things right in front of them).

Oh and all of them stated that they had a great year and all were perfectly cheerful and happy about themselves!

Why do I care? Because this is exactly what happens to aps who hang around the house ALL the time. They are not reading Shakespeare or studying language and then rising to prepare a healthy snack. They are falling into a lifestyle that none of us would accept with our adult children. Don't be fooled, they are not unwinding in any healthy way, these days all they do is lying in bed on their phone. Not a lifestyle you'd want to model to your children!

[Anonymous]

Former AP here.

Maybe she's depressed and didn't find new friends to go out with ?

Just ask her why she isn't going out much

[Anonymous]

I feel for OP. That would drive me insane. Where do you live? For dc or close in like Arlington aps have lots to do; even under 21.
Ours does pre-party at our house with 3 or 4 friends from about 730-10 on Friday then she comes home at 3am or 4am, sleeps all day Saturday. Normally one or two other aps with her; then leaves our house with her friends and not to be seen again normally until Monday.
It is great, except for Friday night but 2.5 hours is small price to pay for a weekend basically to ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What bothers you about her being around on the weekend if she is happy and cheerful (and not actually sulking and looking miserable)? I assume she spends most of the time in her room? Your house is her home for the year, some people like to spend their weekend relaxing in the comfort of their home on weekends and if your kid are school-aged she might be out a lot during the weekdays and not feel the need to go out on weekends?

You might want to offer her tickets to events she would like as an insensitive to get out of the house but you really can't be mad about her wanting to spend her weekends at home. She is as entitled to stay home on her time off as you are.

Not OP, but any seasoned hf knows homebody ap = recipe for not great ap.

Hf with small kids need to hang around the house a lot more on weekends and are housebound due to chores that won't get done during the week. The normal thing to expect from a twenty-something person coming to the US would be to have better things to do. Like whatever we did when we were that age.

Obviously if they are partying until the ams they will have a lazy day and not leave room. But this is not what op is describing.
All my aps came with great plans and expectations. All confirmed they were early birds, outdoorsy, active and interested in cultural and sports activities. The earliest any would rise (only with us waking her) would be 8am.

None of them went for any of the long runs or dog walks they had so heavily enquired about. All gained weight, state of room went from teenage cluttered to outright filthy, they would skip breakfast and show up just before pick-up time all spacey and not alert. Being in a rush and a frenzy about simple things (location of car key, exact day of week and ups is it a ballet day?!, after remembering still leaving house without ballet gear). Lack of general attention was apparent at all times (would not hear noises that everyone else heard, would not see things right in front of them).

Oh and all of them stated that they had a great year and all were perfectly cheerful and happy about themselves!

Why do I care? Because this is exactly what happens to aps who hang around the house ALL the time. They are not reading Shakespeare or studying language and then rising to prepare a healthy snack. They are falling into a lifestyle that none of us would accept with our adult children. Don't be fooled, they are not unwinding in any healthy way, these days all they do is lying in bed on their phone. Not a lifestyle you'd want to model to your children!

This this this.

[Anonymous]

OP here. What many of you said makes sense. I think the weekday doesn't bug me as much---but the weekends do. I just wish she would spend a good chunk of time doing something interesting----it's the rare occasion that she actually eats a meal outside of the home. I am fully aware that she is entitled to eat at home and be there---but it's just odd to me that she's not showing any interest in exploring. Even if she has been here for a year already, there are still fun and inexpensive things to do in DC

[Anonymous]

Be careful what you wish for. We had an AP who would disappear on weekends and then get dropped off by different guys around noon on Sundays. I eventually had to ask her to get dropped off a couple houses down (and to vary it) because I was worried about the number of strangers that would know our address and my 8-year-old asked me if these were all her boyfriends.

Unless there is a trip planned, even our most responsible, sweet au pairs don't seem to arise from their bedrooms until lunch on the weekends. Most of them just didn't start their day until later, but we had one who just preferred to stick around the house. She was perfectly content to sit in her room and crochet, talk to her family, and sometimes cook. An old soul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be careful what you wish for. We had an AP who would disappear on weekends and then get dropped off by different guys around noon on Sundays. I eventually had to ask her to get dropped off a couple houses down (and to vary it) because I was worried about the number of strangers that would know our address and my 8-year-old asked me if these were all her boyfriends.

Unless there is a trip planned, even our most responsible, sweet au pairs don't seem to arise from their bedrooms until lunch on the weekends. Most of them just didn't start their day until later, but we had one who just preferred to stick around the house. She was perfectly content to sit in her room and crochet, talk to her family, and sometimes cook. An old soul.

+ 1 I too would caution about overcompensating in your next match. I'd prefer a homebody to one that is out until the wee hours, as long as the homebody is happy and engaged in her work with the children.

[Anonymous]

I have the same concern with mine first, she is super super frugal and downright cheap? Would avoid doing something if Uber was $5 or more. I give her my bus card to use sometimes if i have excess $ on it, and she is happy. so that helps a bit. also she watches her diet very closely and doesnt want to go out and eat for the cost, and also for the calories. I suspect she fasts a lot actually. Sometimes I dont see her for 24+ hours or the whole weekend, (and we live in a small home) - i would srsly be depressed if i were in her room that long. She takes a few bottles of water in her room and stays alive on that.

[Anonymous]

Try reminding her of her goals she had when she arrived her.
(Wanted to learn and improve english?) They do have free conversation classes at local churches and libraries. Get fit? Is there a gym you can try a trial membership at?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be careful what you wish for. We had an AP who would disappear on weekends and then get dropped off by different guys around noon on Sundays. I eventually had to ask her to get dropped off a couple houses down (and to vary it) because I was worried about the number of strangers that would know our address and my 8-year-old asked me if these were all her boyfriends.

Unless there is a trip planned, even our most responsible, sweet au pairs don't seem to arise from their bedrooms until lunch on the weekends. Most of them just didn't start their day until later, but we had one who just preferred to stick around the house. She was perfectly content to sit in her room and crochet, talk to her family, and sometimes cook. An old soul.

Lol! Your address is prominently and publically displayed. It is a matter of public record. You are just the typical older middle aged pearl clutched who probably had her first kid at 42.