Change Pocketing/Personal Expenses -How to handle?

[Anonymous]

Au pair was given money to buy diapers and baby food. She spent about $20 on hair/body products for herself and pocketed $10 change. When she arrived we did provide a gift basket of hair and body products, but did not anticipate having to cover toiletries. We of course stock her bathroom with paper and household cleaning products. We also pay for all of her gas, an unlimited phone plan, imported food, etc. I don’t know how to handle 1) personal care products and 2) change pocketing. On a one-time basis, it’s not a big deal, but culmatively problematic?

[Anonymous]

Buy your kid their stuff - order online if needed. I would talk to her about returning the change and that money was for baby, not her needs.

[Anonymous]

Was it communicated from the beginning that the toiletry in the gift basket was a welcome one-time thing and she is responsible for the rest of the year? Was it a miscommunication?

How much did you give the AP in total for the diapers and baby food that there would be $30 extra of which she bought $20 of toiletry and $10 left in change? Was this a petty cash that she had access to or you gave her money specifically for a one-time trip to the store for diapers and baby food?

Next time, hand over money but just enough to buy the diapers and baby food. Calculate how many diapers and baby food and tell her exactly that shopping list and no more or less. Have her bring back receipt and change.

I would go through the bags of diapers and baby food. Ask her "Is this all of it?" and "I can please have the receipt and change?" Just say it in a matter-of-fact tone. When she hands over the receipt, you comment that the money was for diapers and baby food only and not for anything else. Then clarify about personal toiletry on the receipt as on her own. Since she already bought it, you'll let it go this time. However, in the future, please only use the money to buy the things I ask for and always give me the receipt and change when you get back.

[Anonymous]

My experience (with 6 au pairs) is that that is way out of the norm. We have never set out any expectations in terms what to do if we give them money to make a purchase but all our au pairs have always left the receipt and exact change without our even asking. And we have never bought personal care products for them nor have we ever been asked to.

I think you need to have an explicit conversation with her, but the fact that she would consider this to be ok would make me very uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

We are a first time HF. Gave her $100. The receipt was in the bag. She spent about 70 on formula and diapers, $20 on stuff for herself and pocketed about 10 in change. Didn’t mention the gift basket was a gift, although it was kind of decorated like a gift. Probably our fault for not setting up expectations, but when I was 23+, I don’t think I would have made that kind of assumption.

[Anonymous]

Next time just order what you need off Amazon, Target or Walmart website - so much easier having it delivered and it will save you money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are a first time HF. Gave her $100. The receipt was in the bag. She spent about 70 on formula and diapers, $20 on stuff for herself and pocketed about 10 in change. Didn’t mention the gift basket was a gift, although it was kind of decorated like a gift. Probably our fault for not setting up expectations, but when I was 23+, I don’t think I would have made that kind of assumption.

As a veteran HF, we have learned to never assume that they know or don't know or would behave or think like me. Be very very explicit (excruciatingly so in fact) about everything if you don't want a repeat like this and other misuderstandings that will happen over the course of a year. As soon as you can, address it. Don't wait. If it is the most relevant and ipactful when addressed in the moment. Even then, it is not 100% fool proof that this will eliminate misunderstandings but it will likely be much better. One key rule is never to assume anything.

[Anonymous]

Have a sit down conversation and email the LCC about it. Tell her when you ask for diapers and baby food, you expect exactly that plus change and receipt. Spending and keeping 30% of what you gave is not right. In fact, dishonest. It’s likely her ignorance that she didn’t think to take the receipt out of the bag. Otherwise, you’d have no way to prove it.

FYI: stuff like paying for all gas is generous and NOT the norm with host families. Yours is probably too entitled to recognize and appreciate it based on this behavior. Most of us set rules to discourage AP from taking 200mi road trips on our cars without mentioning it or be the driver for their group of friends because the rest of them have to pay for their own usage.

There was a useful post awhile ago about being explicit on things like who pays when going out (treats or dinner). You also need to be explicit on what items you will pay for including toiletries and food. Ignore the eventual AP troll who will say these girls don’t make enough and you should cater to every little whim. If I bought toiletries, AP would get the Suave, not the Bumble and Bumble spray... If AP wants a choice, they need to buy their own.

[Anonymous]

Communicate more with your AP. "Larla, last time I gave you $100 and you were able to spend/keep $30. That was a one time thing. This time I ask that you buy only the items I request and give me the receipt and change. This helps me manage my budget. You can use your stipend for your own cosmetics/etc." SMILE while you say this and I think this will work out fine.

[Anonymous]

Her response was that other HFs cover bath and body products and she had a coffee which I buy her all of the time when we are out shopping (true), so she didn't think it was a big deal. And then she said she works 45 hours a week and all of her friends work like 20 hours, if that. Again, this is probably our fault for not explicitly stating what we won't pay for in the handbook, we just put the stuff that we would pay for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her response was that other HFs cover bath and body products and she had a coffee which I buy her all of the time when we are out shopping (true), so she didn't think it was a big deal. And then she said she works 45 hours a week and all of her friends work like 20 hours, if that. Again, this is probably our fault for not explicitly stating what we won't pay for in the handbook, we just put the stuff that we would pay for.

She sounds like a spoiled princess. Unless you didn’t let her know that she’d work a full schedule during matching she knows what she signed up for.

We are an extremely generous host family but I don’t buy my au pair bath and body products or coffee when she’s on her own time. That’s ridiculous. She’s an adult.

[Anonymous]

Yup, train is off the rails if instead of being contrite she threw the hours back at you. Time for LCC lead reset conversation! Check AuPair Mom site for some guidance on those.

[Anonymous]

We told her 45 hours, but predictable weekday schedule for one kid. We tried to compensate by being generous with dedicated car, letting her take vacation all at once, etc. Her friends are with very wealthy families who have other backup childcare, but apparently they offer lots of perks.

[Anonymous]

I doubt all the families pay for all that or work 20 hours every week. If she wants body/hair products buy the cheapest you can find and don't argue.

[Anonymous]

Your AP is a piece of work. If I rightfully asked for my change, and my AP gave me those ridiculous excuses for not returning my money, I would have major doubts about getting through the year. Red flags everywhere.