Child Making Trouble for Multiple Au Pairs - Help

[Anonymous]

My DC (10) has not been adjusting well to having an au pair, and has taken it upon himself to be a pain in the ass to each and every one. DH and I don't know what to do. We are a new HF in rematch because DC was mean to our AP and she got tired of it and left. Now we are on AP2 and DC is pulling the same crap. Defiant, yelling, back talk. I don't know how to discipline this, and I don't know what to do. We need the help, and we have multiple children and cannot focus constantly on this child's constant negative attention. Dc has issues, admittely - ADHD and anxiety and depression. We have taken DC to doctors and child psychologists to try to get to the bottom of this and find solutions, but nothing is working. He screams at AP every morning. Throws massive tantrums. It's creating endless tension and I don't need this and neither does AP.

Has anyone dealt with having one of multiple children who doesn't seem to do well with the AP concept? How did you improve or change the situation? I'm at my wits end.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry. I suspect your son may have already had too many people taking care of him. Some children are more sensitive (and less able to cope) than other children. He is exhibiting anger at all the changes. It's not his fault. How old are your other children?

[Anonymous]

What was your childcare arrangement prior to having an AP? Can you afford to hire a nanny who would be more qualified and willing to help deal with this particular child?

[Anonymous]

I do not think an AP is probably going to work for you unless you get really lucky....but by the time you find one you may be banned from a few agencies (losing a good bit of money) for too many rematches. If you are going into a second rematch with the same agency now for the same reason you will be lucky if they even give you a third try.

I would look into a professional nanny with experience with special needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not think an AP is probably going to work for you unless you get really lucky....but by the time you find one you may be banned from a few agencies (losing a good bit of money) for too many rematches. If you are going into a second rematch with the same agency now for the same reason you will be lucky if they even give you a third try.

I would look into a professional nanny with experience with special needs.

+1. Au pairs are not really expected to manage difficult situations. They are not childcare professionals. They're more like a long-term babysitter.

I do understand that if a nanny were in the budget, you'd probably already be doing that. Is there a solution that doesn't require you or DH to take significant time off work, or require a lot of money to hire a special needs nanny? I don't know, but if this has been going on for more than a couple of weeks, you may need to consult with your child's doctor.

Remember that FMLA will cover some time off if you need it to take your child to therapies or something, which might be a cheaper solution than a nanny, and therefore worth trying first. Clearly, whatever you've tried is not working, and there's no magic switch.

You might also want to post in the special needs forum for some advice.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps an AP for your other children, but you need to find an appropriate after school program that can cater to your ADHD/anxiety child.

You know APs don't have the qualifications or experience to deal with this. You need a trained nanny or a targeted program for him.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a lot of the same answer...

OP I also have a son who isn’t the easiest and have had a few challenging times with APs because of him. Two rematches because they couldn’t deal with him or wouldn’t take my suggestions on how to.

But I also have had good au pairs that found their way to deal with him or get him to open up/love them. I say don’t give up, but instead look for a different type of au pair. Maybe one with younger siblings your DC’s age. Or one with experience with special needs like your DC’s. Talk and interview well and outlay / be open about his issues. Inv I’ve your child in picking and involve him as that may have better buy in.

I do agree with trying professional help/counseling for him. This worked well with us and got at some of the root issue. Use rewards system for good behavior and find your sons currency. What motivates him?

Good luck!!!

[Anonymous]

You need to be very consistent with consequences every time he acts up. If he is disrespectful or tantrums, you need a clear consequence like missing an activity, losing a privilege or room time.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered a live-in nanny? Many of us can afford to (and are willing to) accept lower salaries for a family who really needs help, but can’t afford the typical, as long as other benefits measure up. Also, many split shift nannies have experience with ADHD in one or more charges, possibly combined with something else, but we don’t always bill ourselves as special needs nannies, because it limits the families who are interested.

Try a nanny agency. Ask how many candidates they have available right now that could handle the rough start while your child gets to know the nanny, her rules and her routine. You want someone who is hyper organized, someone who will create a schedule and not deviate at all for the first couple weeks, because as your child realizes that the nanny is organized and will help him become more organized, he should begin to relax a bit more. On the anxiety front, you want a nanny willing to sit down with at least this child immediately, sans parents, and they need to create a set of rules. These may not be rules you need as a family, but these will be enforced anytime the nanny is with the kids. When your son has input into the rules and consequences, and the rules are enforced consistently, calmly and with empathy, anxiety will drop, because he will start to understand that he can’t drive away the nanny, but maybe it’s okay.

Every live-in nanny I know is prepared for three things.
1. The kids usually are angelic for two days (maximum), then there’s at least two weeks of horrible behavior, trying to drive you away. Sometimes it’s things like dropping her toothbrush in the toilet on purpose, sometimes it’s tantrums (including kicking and screaming on the floor) from a preteen when screentime limits are enforced. These are things that seasoned adults can handle, but APs just aren’t equipped.
2. Finding the boundaries with the parents can be tricky, especially if the nanny needs to organize the house in order to live and work there. Having a live-in nanny is NOT the same as having an AP, and the same rules can’t apply.
3. Eventually, the relationship with the whole family makes the initial month or two worth it. We have the opportunity to get to know our employers, more than a live-out nanny ever can, and the kids become closer to being ours. It’s normal for me to walk in the door on my day off and be hugged by my charges, just like it’s normal for me to be peppered with questions on my way out about where I am going, whether they can come too, and why they can’t come. I love being able to really talk to my employers, about things that have nothing to do with their kids or my job.

Tl/dr: try a nanny agency, ask for a live-in nanny experienced with ADHD and anxiety, and someone organized who will set up a routine and rules/consequences with your child’s input. Then stand back and let her work it out with your son.

[Anonymous]

You sound like an amazing nanny, PP! My family went the au pair route because it seemed to offer a more family-like connection than a nanny, based on the nannies I've encountered...you sound like the kind of childcare pro that I've always wanted to find!

[Anonymous]

What consequences or rewards have you tried consistently?

I cant give helpful advise without knowing what you have tried already.

[Anonymous]

OP here, and things are still deteriorating. We have tried withholding privileges and room time, and this just creates more conflict and gets DS even more upset and angry at AP. The other two children are 7 and 5, and seem to do alright, but the 7 year old is now starting to pick up on his big brother's attitude and treatment and is starting to mimic it sometimes. I don't know what more I can do. We cannot afford an Au Pair and a nanny or and Au Pair and also expensive after school programs/after care. I work full time and so does DH.

We have DS in therapy and it isn't helping. AP seems absolutely miserable and I don't blame her. He tells her to shut up and throws things at her. We try disciplining him and it escalates over and over again. DH and I always have our AP's back and take her side and try to give her authority, etc., but nothing is improving. I feel like the worst parent/person in the world because of how DS is acting. it's so out of character, and only seems to be directed at AP. he is fine in school and generally at home with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and things are still deteriorating. We have tried withholding privileges and room time, and this just creates more conflict and gets DS even more upset and angry at AP. The other two children are 7 and 5, and seem to do alright, but the 7 year old is now starting to pick up on his big brother's attitude and treatment and is starting to mimic it sometimes. I don't know what more I can do. We cannot afford an Au Pair and a nanny or and Au Pair and also expensive after school programs/after care. I work full time and so does DH.

We have DS in therapy and it isn't helping. AP seems absolutely miserable and I don't blame her. He tells her to shut up and throws things at her. We try disciplining him and it escalates over and over again. DH and I always have our AP's back and take her side and try to give her authority, etc., but nothing is improving. I feel like the worst parent/person in the world because of how DS is acting. it's so out of character, and only seems to be directed at AP. he is fine in school and generally at home with us.

That isnt what you said in your original post. How long has he been seeing your doctors/therapists/etc? Perhaps you need a new one. Don't blame the AP if he's done it for other APs.

[Anonymous]

You need to keep reinforcing the consequences and trying to figure out what is going on. He's not going to get better by changing Au Pairs and there is more going on. Get a new therapist.

[Anonymous]

You either need a professional nanny who will take whatever he can dish out, at full time, professional nanny rates, including a premium for whatever the split schedule is that you've decided an au pair will work better for, or you or your husband need to take FMLA leave and deal with your son's crisis. That might mean more therapy appointments or you taking over from the au pair when necessary.

Your son is in distress. He is causing chaos in your household, but unless you think he's a sociopath, he is out of control and needs help. I have my theories about what he's trying to tell you, but it really doesn't matter and I don't know him.

Your au pair is going to leave. You need to figure out now what you're going to do, so that you have some control over the situation even if the outcome is expensive or requires taking a leave of absence from work. You are in the world of special needs parents, at least for a time, when a child's needs will not conform to the limits of your ability to accommodate them, but you still have to somehow accommodate them. It would be great if we lived in a country with more options and more supports for parents, but we don't. Hoping it will work out eventually is leaving you in a reactive state -- you need to get proactive.