Child Making Trouble for Multiple Au Pairs - Help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You either need a professional nanny who will take whatever he can dish out, at full time, professional nanny rates, including a premium for whatever the split schedule is that you've decided an au pair will work better for, or you or your husband need to take FMLA leave and deal with your son's crisis. That might mean more therapy appointments or you taking over from the au pair when necessary.

Your son is in distress. He is causing chaos in your household, but unless you think he's a sociopath, he is out of control and needs help. I have my theories about what he's trying to tell you, but it really doesn't matter and I don't know him.

Your au pair is going to leave. You need to figure out now what you're going to do, so that you have some control over the situation even if the outcome is expensive or requires taking a leave of absence from work. You are in the world of special needs parents, at least for a time, when a child's needs will not conform to the limits of your ability to accommodate them, but you still have to somehow accommodate them. It would be great if we lived in a country with more options and more supports for parents, but we don't. Hoping it will work out eventually is leaving you in a reactive state -- you need to get proactive.

Please go away. It’s same old, same old, in every post. Find a different hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You either need a professional nanny who will take whatever he can dish out, at full time, professional nanny rates, including a premium for whatever the split schedule is that you've decided an au pair will work better for, or you or your husband need to take FMLA leave and deal with your son's crisis. That might mean more therapy appointments or you taking over from the au pair when necessary.

Your son is in distress. He is causing chaos in your household, but unless you think he's a sociopath, he is out of control and needs help. I have my theories about what he's trying to tell you, but it really doesn't matter and I don't know him.

Your au pair is going to leave. You need to figure out now what you're going to do, so that you have some control over the situation even if the outcome is expensive or requires taking a leave of absence from work. You are in the world of special needs parents, at least for a time, when a child's needs will not conform to the limits of your ability to accommodate them, but you still have to somehow accommodate them. It would be great if we lived in a country with more options and more supports for parents, but we don't. Hoping it will work out eventually is leaving you in a reactive state -- you need to get proactive.

Please go away. It’s same old, same old, in every post. Find a different hobby.

I’m the nanny PP, and I agree with this. Given what OP just detailed, I agree completely.

OP, here’s my suggestion (and I know it’s hard):
Contact your LCC now. Detail the situation and ask for her to quietly start putting out feelers for your AP. Talk to your AP and let her know what’s happening.
Contact an agency, and specify the list from before. Don’t give a firm start date until the rematch has and end date/start date.

[Anonymous]

We use pro au pair. They have trained special needs au pairs - occupational therapists or social workers would likely be the best bet. They are more expensive than a typical au pair and agency fees are high, but likely cheaper than a full time nanny and with a different set of professional experiences and goals. we have had three years of professional experience. Involve the au pair in the therapy too so you are all on the same page. We matched with a Rn for two years and an OT for a year and a half. They are older than the typical candidate. We take someone (and wait - they are a smaller agency) with a license and two plus years of professional experience.


Be up front about your child’s experiences and needs and the right au pair will be up for the professional challenge.

[Anonymous]

My children have some special needs and struggled mightily with our au pair. Initially she was super sweet to them- then I realized she was just absolutely unwilling to discipline them. She only wanted them to have fun and behave. As she got more frustrated with them, she started being mean to them, which caused their behavior to deteriorate, etc.

We ultimately decided the au pair program wasn't for us. For now, we have a truly fantastic part-time nanny. I don't necessarily think you need a special needs trained nanny- you need someone who is willing to lay down firm boundaries and not get emotionally upset when kids talk back, etc. There may well be aupair's that could be good- but I decided that I needed to interview in person and check references in a way that I couldn't with the au pair program. I also decided that it is much easier to let someone go who works part time for you if it is not working out then an au pair who lives with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We use pro au pair. They have trained special needs au pairs - occupational therapists or social workers would likely be the best bet. They are more expensive than a typical au pair and agency fees are high, but likely cheaper than a full time nanny and with a different set of professional experiences and goals. we have had three years of professional experience. Involve the au pair in the therapy too so you are all on the same page. We matched with a Rn for two years and an OT for a year and a half. They are older than the typical candidate. We take someone (and wait - they are a smaller agency) with a license and two plus years of professional experience.


Be up front about your child’s experiences and needs and the right au pair will be up for the professional challenge.

This does look like a good option, OP. You'd be paying $15/hr, but no more, and the program fees. That's still going to be considerably less than a comparable American live-out nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a lot of the same answer...

OP I also have a son who isn’t the easiest and have had a few challenging times with APs because of him. Two rematches because they couldn’t deal with him or wouldn’t take my suggestions on how to.

But I also have had good au pairs that found their way to deal with him or get him to open up/love them. I say don’t give up, but instead look for a different type of au pair. Maybe one with younger siblings your DC’s age. Or one with experience with special needs like your DC’s. Talk and interview well and outlay / be open about his issues. Inv I’ve your child in picking and involve him as that may have better buy in.

I do agree with trying professional help/counseling for him. This worked well with us and got at some of the root issue. Use rewards system for good behavior and find your sons currency. What motivates him?

Good luck!!!

np. PPs are giving her practical advice. Going through rematch after rematch and blaming multiple APs for "not being able to deal with my son" might make you feel good but it will get OP nowhere. Best she can do is find a Sn-experienced AP, but there's a limit to how much experience a 19 y.o. can have.

[Anonymous]

My don was very much so like this, though no ADHD (I think that is recklessly over diagnosed and over medicated). We finally got a super strict no nonsense no bullshit german AP. She did not care if he liked her or not. When she said something she stuck to it and followed through with consequences. She was very mature and ver confident. Very ver rare in an AP. These are glorified teen babysitters here to party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My don was very much so like this, though no ADHD (I think that is recklessly over diagnosed and over medicated). We finally got a super strict no nonsense no bullshit german AP. She did not care if he liked her or not. When she said something she stuck to it and followed through with consequences. She was very mature and ver confident. Very ver rare in an AP. These are glorified teen babysitters here to party.

From what I’ve seen, it’s fairly common with German APs.

[Anonymous]

Your son needs to be punished, not have privileges withheld. Your other children need to see that he’s given consequences when he acts out. They also need to see the consequences are coming from you, not the AP. As his mother you know what he values most - whatever it is, games, tablet, whatever. Warn him that it will be taken away the next time he acts out towards anyone. Follow through. He will lash out but he needs this reality check.