Secretive au pair

[Anonymous]

We are on our 7th (and last) AP - lots of different personalities and different ups and downs. But never encountered the particular issue we're dealing with now.

Current AP is reserved to an extreme. She does not volunteer information. Inquisition is required to coax out any details. And, I'm not in the habit of giving APs the third degree (nor should I want to/need to). But the secrecy makes for a very distant / cold relationship.

With our prior APs, I did not insist on knowing every detail of where they were going or what they were doing. But in a casual - normal - way, we would have a friendly conversation about their plans for the evening, who they were going out with, etc. This is a young adult in a strange country, I just feel a degree of responsibility that I have a clue in a high-level/general way of what they're up to. This has not been a problem with any prior AP. Some were partiers, some not. Some into boys, some not. Some shared more info than others. But I had a decent general sense of who they were hanging out with.

In the last week, current AP did not eat dinner with us for 4 days in a row. (We generally eat together as a family with our APs). Each day, she announced at 6 when we arrived home that she would not be eating with us. First couple of days, it was to go to gym (which she hadn't been going to before). If asked, with whom is she going? "A friend." Last night, she made the same announcement, and DH asks if she's going to the gym? "No, I'm going out." With [fellow AP name]? "With a friend." We've also noticed a couple of times where she's been picked up AROUND THE CORNER from our house. I can only imagine so that we won't see who is picking her up?

We of course suspect she has a boyfriend, but find it incredibly strange that she doesn't want us to lay eyes on him or volunteer ANY information.

This particular AP is probably the least worldly/most naive/most lacking in common sense AP that we've had, which also makes me uneasy with how secretive she's being.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

She has a boyfriend and she is embarrassed and doesn't want you to know.

[Anonymous]

She totally has a boyfriend and is keeping it on the downlow

[Anonymous]

She probably has a boyfriend and doesn't want you to know about him. As long as her personal life doesn't impact on her work, I would let it go.

Most young adults don't like to talk about their dating life and or other personal details with their own family, let alone with their host family. I think as long as she warns you that she won't be having dinner with you, more details isn't necessarilly needed.

[Anonymous]

Agree that she is avoiding the BF talk with you - same as I did with my parents when I was younger! As long as she isnt showing up late or unprepared for work the following morning, seems like a non-issue. Let it go unless you have a safety concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree that she is avoiding the BF talk with you - same as I did with my parents when I was younger! As long as she isnt showing up late or unprepared for work the following morning, seems like a non-issue. Let it go unless you have a safety concern.

+1 And as long as your vehicle isn't involved... Hopefully it's only the BF she is hiding from you.

[Anonymous]

My AP kept her boyfriend secret for about a month. I could have cared less that she had a boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps she has a girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

It's none of your business, honestly. She's an adult, let her make her own choices. She will talk to you when she feels like it.

[Anonymous]

It must be frustrating to host someone in your home (after 7 years of hosting other APs), and feel like they are evading and sneaking around. If this person wasn’t living in my house, and if I didn’t have any responsibilities whatsoever in hosting them, then yes...it’s none of my business what she is doing in her free time, or who that person is lurking around the corner of my home every night to pick up AP. That boyfriend or girlfriend might secretly be invited inside your home when your AP knows you’re at work. My LCC related an incident where an AP’s friend/boyfriend had unauthorized access to the home while HF was out, and their identities were stolen. If your AP is unworldly and immature, she can make poor decisions that will compromise your household.

[Anonymous]

I would simply mention how i have noticed she’s been out a lot, which is fine so long as it doesn’t impact her duties. However, I would also remind her that no strangers are permitted in our home without my approval and meeting them first. And I would even potentially set up a Dropcam if I had any inclination that she was inviting over friends or others without permission when we are away from home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's none of your business, honestly. She's an adult, let her make her own choices. She will talk to you when she feels like it.

This is how I would feel about my kids babysitter. But if it’s my au pair-and it’s supposed to be a member of my family and they’re living in my house, then it is my business.

[Anonymous]

Or she may be having a second job as a call girl.....

[Anonymous]

In the words of the all wise Elsa- let it go.

[Anonymous]

I think you're either going to have to come to terms with living with a virtual stranger who has no interest in her host family, or rematch.