Secretive au pair

[Anonymous]

We've had secretive APs and they haven't typically had boyfriends. But they also have gotten into drinking or were partiers. I'd be more concerned about that. We don't care if our APs don't eat dinner with us. But when they start coming home late, are tired during the day and seem drunk when underage or have access to our car, it becomes a problem.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here- I'm a very private person and don't need people knowing my business. I love that my boss never asks what I did for the weekend. I was an aupair and private the same way. MYOB. Americans are so nosy and you need to understand not everyone feels like sharing. It's intrusive!!!

[Anonymous]

Personally I would be annoyed. Not necessarily about the secretive stuff per se but more that she isn’t holding up her end of the bargain of being part of your family. She’s not here to play the part of sullen teenage daughter — that’s not the type of family I’m talking about. It’s a long year to live with a total distant roommate.

[Anonymous]

Is this a serious post? It's none of your business. God some of the people who host au pairs are so entitled. They're not slaves. You do not own them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a serious post? It's none of your business. God some of the people who host au pairs are so entitled. They're not slaves. You do not own them.

yes, this is a legitimate post about what kind of relationship you want to have with someone with whom you are sharing your family and home. if i don't have a connection with my AP, i don't see the reason to host them for a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a serious post? It's none of your business. God some of the people who host au pairs are so entitled. They're not slaves. You do not own them.

I call BS that this was written by a host parents. Of course they're not slaves. But they're young people living in our houses who are supposed to be members of our family. Can you imagine the outcry on here if HPs decided we were going to tell our APs nothing, and be secretive around them all of the time? I don't expect to know everything my AP is doing while living with me. But if they want to share nothing then they're not an AP. They're a young person living in my house providing child care. Which is not the point of the program.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a serious post? It's none of your business. God some of the people who host au pairs are so entitled. They're not slaves. You do not own them.

I call BS that this was written by a host parents. Of course they're not slaves. But they're young people living in our houses who are supposed to be members of our family. Can you imagine the outcry on here if HPs decided we were going to tell our APs nothing, and be secretive around them all of the time? I don't expect to know everything my AP is doing while living with me. But if they want to share nothing then they're not an AP. They're a young person living in my house providing child care. Which is not the point of the program.

Members of your family? You have got to be joking. They're family members until they leave after a year. Some cultures are more private OP. Mind your own business.

[Anonymous]

OP here, yes, this was a serious post.

AP continues to be secretive. She just divulges minimal information (almost nothing voluntarily) and I don't want to be the inquisition. Mainly, she's distant. I have a young teen daughter and I talked to her about the relationship with the AP. She says it's OK but in contrast to our former AP who by this point she was much closer to the former AP - who she saw as more of a big sister she would joke around with, etc. Current secretive AP is so distant there's not the easy camaraderie of former AP.

Secretive AP spent the entire weekend in the house, but avoiding us. She is home but doesn't eat lunch with us (she waits until we've vacated the kitchen). That sort of thing. It feels like that distant roommate that you didn't really have a connection with in college/grad school. Not terrible, but not great either. I think she did have a BF but I wonder if he's still in the picture given the moping around the house all weekend.

I'm ready to be done with the AP program. This is definitely our last one. Don't know if I'll make it through the entire year.

I think a PP gave the advice that we just have to come to terms with the fact that it's going to be like this (and not expect a different relationship) with this girl. Trying to get there but still having a hard time with it. She's lived under our roof for 4 months now. Maybe this is what we needed to wean us off the AP program.

[Anonymous]

Only 4 months? I don't think I could make it through to 6 months, much less a year. Rematch- there will be plenty in the rematch pool in the coming months who will be less depressive and sullen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a serious post? It's none of your business. God some of the people who host au pairs are so entitled. They're not slaves. You do not own them.

I call BS that this was written by a host parents. Of course they're not slaves. But they're young people living in our houses who are supposed to be members of our family. Can you imagine the outcry on here if HPs decided we were going to tell our APs nothing, and be secretive around them all of the time? I don't expect to know everything my AP is doing while living with me. But if they want to share nothing then they're not an AP. They're a young person living in my house providing child care. Which is not the point of the program.

Members of your family? You have got to be joking. They're family members until they leave after a year. Some cultures are more private OP. Mind your own business.

Are you a HP? So you're saying you don't want them to be a member of your family but just child care? You understand that this is what APs usually bitch about on these forums. There is a difference between private and secretive. There is a difference between trying to have a life of their own and ignoring the family they live with. To me if an AP doesn't want to share anything about themselves/their lives...they shouldn't be an AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a serious post? It's none of your business. God some of the people who host au pairs are so entitled. They're not slaves. You do not own them.

I call BS that this was written by a host parents. Of course they're not slaves. But they're young people living in our houses who are supposed to be members of our family. Can you imagine the outcry on here if HPs decided we were going to tell our APs nothing, and be secretive around them all of the time? I don't expect to know everything my AP is doing while living with me. But if they want to share nothing then they're not an AP. They're a young person living in my house providing child care. Which is not the point of the program.

Members of your family? You have got to be joking. They're family members until they leave after a year. Some cultures are more private OP. Mind your own business.

Are you a HP? So you're saying you don't want them to be a member of your family but just child care? You understand that this is what APs usually bitch about on these forums. There is a difference between private and secretive. There is a difference between trying to have a life of their own and ignoring the family they live with. To me if an AP doesn't want to share anything about themselves/their lives...they shouldn't be an AP.

It’s the same miserable troll, a former AP who comments daily on this forum. Ignore.

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update. We're down to our last month with the secretive au pair. Who remains as secretive as ever. Still waits till we've finished eating before she sits down to eat (despite us continually setting a place for her every day). She literally prefers not to interact.

She often spends Sat. night (overnight) at a friend's house. We always have asked at least for a text to know where she is. This Sat. she apparently forgot to send the text. Sunday morning I can see (Find Your Friends) that she's in Vienna, VA. I text her to say I didn't see a text that she was sleeping elsewhere. She texts back to say that she forgot, but that she stayed with X au pair friend. However, I know X au pair friend, and she lives in MD not VA. So, this is a new secret boyfriend.

I will be so happy to have her out of our home. It simply does not inspire trust to be lied to on the regular, and it is a very long year to live with someone so distant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. We're down to our last month with the secretive au pair. Who remains as secretive as ever. Still waits till we've finished eating before she sits down to eat (despite us continually setting a place for her every day). She literally prefers not to interact.

She often spends Sat. night (overnight) at a friend's house. We always have asked at least for a text to know where she is. This Sat. she apparently forgot to send the text. Sunday morning I can see (Find Your Friends) that she's in Vienna, VA. I text her to say I didn't see a text that she was sleeping elsewhere. She texts back to say that she forgot, but that she stayed with X au pair friend. However, I know X au pair friend, and she lives in MD not VA. So, this is a new secret boyfriend.

I will be so happy to have her out of our home. It simply does not inspire trust to be lied to on the regular, and it is a very long year to live with someone so distant.

You apparently have a high tolerance for your weird AP. Or have never gone into rematch and didn’t want to on your last one. I’m surprised other issues haven’t popped up or maybe you’re just counting the days she’s gone.

Good luck on your last month!

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP. I am also amazed that you have tolerated the distance and lies for so long. I wish you well on your finish here. I know it will be a relief when it's over.

[Anonymous]

I was an Au Pair and was quite shy back then.
I would also sometimes wait for the host family to be done eating to go to the kitchen and have lunch by myself.
It's not that I didn't want to spend time with them, it's because I felt they also needed some family time without me and the weekend was a perfect opportunity for that.