How to handle reference checks if family doesn’t know you’re looking?

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone

I started with my nf 2 years ago. I didn’t receive a raise my first year, but the family does give generous bonuses. So now my second anniversary has come around and I just returned from my holiday vacation. Db told me before he left that I begin getting $1 per hour raise starting today.

I am a bit beside myself with this news. It would be one thing if everything were still the same job. Both of my charges are in school 3 days a week for 3 hours, the youngest stays with me all day 2 of the days. So the dollar would not make me flinch. HOWEVER MB had a new baby right before Christmas. She is on maternity leave till the end of January & will work from home for 2 months afterwards. But I’ll began caring for him in a couple of weeks.

So this means my position changes drastically. My older charges have behavioral issues and go to therapy and other appointments 4 days per week in the afternoons. I will now have the infant with us during this. The 3 seats won’t fit my backseat so I will have to begin driving the family car. This means using my vehicle and receiving my mileage reimbursement is out the window. I used to drive an average of 120 miles per week at .57 per mile. I depended on that income. With my raise and minus the reimbursement I will now bring home LESS every week.

So now I know to begin looking since I didn’t at least receive $2 for an entire baby lol. Whenever I have job searched in the past, the families knew and expected to give me references. But how should I go about this now? Should I keep mum and ask the prospective families to only contact others, tell my current family I can’t afford my new contract and let them know I’m looking, or just say nothing?

Any advice from nannies and employers would be greatly appreciated!

[Anonymous]

Op here I work 8-6, M-F (50 hrs)
-$16 hr for first 40
-$24 hr for last 10
-2 weeks paid vacation my choice
Mileage reimbursement

-Only clean kids messes made on my watch (MB’s words)
-No other chores
-Lots of driving and loading and unloading
-My oldest has ADHD, ODD sensory processing disorder
-Youngest has speech issues and behavior issues that I believe stem only from learned actions and due to new baby that will eventually stop.

[Anonymous]

$17/hour for 3 kids especially 2 with special needs and then an infant is insane. You should be making at an absolute minimum $22/hour and I think that is the low end. This family is taking advantage of you. It's nice to have a reference from your current family but in this situation I don't think that is possible. It's not unusual at all to be looking for a job and your current employers not being asked for a reference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$17/hour for 3 kids especially 2 with special needs and then an infant is insane. You should be making at an absolute minimum $22/hour and I think that is the low end. This family is taking advantage of you. It's nice to have a reference from your current family but in this situation I don't think that is possible. It's not unusual at all to be looking for a job and your current employers not being asked for a reference.

Oh wow thanks pp. OP here. I suppose my area is important too. We are in Atlanta, Buckhead to be exact which is not cheap by any means, but I think Nannies make less here than the DMV area. I checked care.com and it said at least $18 per hour, but that doesn’t account for my 10 years experience and the special needs part, or the 2 years Ive been here.

But thank you so much for putting this in my ear. I was thinking at least 18-20.

But as far as the looking part... after I negotiate and if they still can’t budge should I let them know then that I have to move on or wait and do so quietly? I’d hate for them to think I am only saying that to threaten them etc because I will really mean it.

[Anonymous]

Stating your worth is not threatening them. If you are in the middle of negotiations I would say there current offer is not acceptable. Tell them what you wrote in your first post. Without the mileage you will be making less money with an added child and that you need a $2 hour raise ( you should make more than that). I would quietly put some feelers out there and start looking. The raise they offered you is an insult which says a lot about their character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stating your worth is not threatening them. If you are in the middle of negotiations I would say there current offer is not acceptable. Tell them what you wrote in your first post. Without the mileage you will be making less money with an added child and that you need a $2 hour raise ( you should make more than that). I would quietly put some feelers out there and start looking. The raise they offered you is an insult which says a lot about their character.

Op here. This thread is very eye opening for me. I appreciate it. They have been walking around complaining about all of their new added expenses now that they have a baby and are trying to get my oldest in a good private school. I felt guilty thinking about talking to them but honestly this isn’t my business that they had to buy a new suv etc.... They are really kind people and I don’t mean for them to across like they aren’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stating your worth is not threatening them. If you are in the middle of negotiations I would say there current offer is not acceptable. Tell them what you wrote in your first post. Without the mileage you will be making less money with an added child and that you need a $2 hour raise ( you should make more than that). I would quietly put some feelers out there and start looking. The raise they offered you is an insult which says a lot about their character.

Op here. This thread is very eye opening for me. I appreciate it. They have been walking around complaining about all of their new added expenses now that they have a baby and are trying to get my oldest in a good private school. I felt guilty thinking about talking to them but honestly this isn’t my business that they had to buy a new suv etc.... They are really kind people and I don’t mean for them to across like they aren’t.

These "kind" "people complaining to you about their added expenses is manipulative. They know they are screwing you over with this so called raise. Offering you an extra $1/hour raise shows you where you are there priority list when it comes to expenses. They could have gotten a used SUV and not a new one. Pay close attention to the details. I sense you are the very kind person and you are not use to standing up for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stating your worth is not threatening them. If you are in the middle of negotiations I would say there current offer is not acceptable. Tell them what you wrote in your first post. Without the mileage you will be making less money with an added child and that you need a $2 hour raise ( you should make more than that). I would quietly put some feelers out there and start looking. The raise they offered you is an insult which says a lot about their character.

Op here. This thread is very eye opening for me. I appreciate it. They have been walking around complaining about all of their new added expenses now that they have a baby and are trying to get my oldest in a good private school. I felt guilty thinking about talking to them but honestly this isn’t my business that they had to buy a new suv etc.... They are really kind people and I don’t mean for them to across like they aren’t.

These "kind" "people complaining to you about their added expenses is manipulative. They know they are screwing you over with this so called raise. Offering you an extra $1/hour raise shows you where you are there priority list when it comes to expenses. They could have gotten a used SUV and not a new one. Pay close attention to the details. I sense you are the very kind person and you are not use to standing up for yourself.

Thank you for opening my eyes. These are facts that I was stupidly ignoring.You are right about me not standing up for myself. I made this mistake before and won’t again. I’m definitely negotiating with them and contacting my agency to set up some interviews for me ASAP. I’ve already decided that I have to leave anyway if they say they can’t compensate me better. I guess this way there will be no alarm in hearing from prospective parents because we can actively sit together and decide this is no longer working for any of us under these terms and there will be no secrecy involved in my leaving.

[Anonymous]

OP, do not jeapordize your job based on the responses here.

Start looking for another job. Tell prospective employers that you have been with your current family for a couple of years now, but the scope of the job has changed drastically and you think their needs are evolving and it's time for you look for your next family. If they press you can say that they've added a third child, have kids with special needs, and the mom is planning to stay home for the near term (which is true) so you wanted to explore your options.

Don't seem desperate for a new job - say that you've enjoyed working with this family, but the nature of nanny positions is that a family's needs can change over time and you totally understand that and want to be prepared. Talk about what you've enjoyed about this family, what kinds of positions you've found to be the best fit, what you find appealing about the position you're interviewing for, etc... Don't go negative, be professional, and don't explain more than you need to.

Anyone currently interviewing should understand why you can't give your current family as a reference, and if you have good references from prior positions you should be fine. You can also reach out to your other references to let them know they might be getting a call, and to let them know why you are looking (being as careful and professional with them as you would be in interviews).

Never jeapardize your current position by telling them you will be leaving. You do not want to find yourself out of a job, or put them in a position to have any contact w/ future employers when they might be angry, etc... It's really bad advice you've gotten on that, regardless of the profession.

[Anonymous]

I would start looking for another job. I would tell families exactly what you stated above. Tell them that you love your charges and wish you could stay with the family but you would not be able to support yourself on the income that has now decreased. Inform them that you’ve shared this with your family and they still aren’t able to pay you for the amount that you deserve.

Parents want references but they also want to hear the right things in an interview. They want to see your qualifications, experience and how you would handle situations. I am not a parent, but when I was planning on leaving my current families for a similar reason, I expressed this to the families i interviewed with. However, I provided them with 6 references, who were not my current employers and I was offered the job at every single interview I went on.

I typically provide my references after the interview. I don’t want a lot of families contacting my references back to back. Just like families want to know if your the right candidate, I want to know what type of people/family you are before I start giving out references- if you don’t plan on hiring me, then don’t use my references.

So my suggestion would be to find another family and if you truly want to stay with your current family, before you accept another position, tell the family you cannot make a living. If they don’t flench, but in your 2 weeks. But I would find another family first, because if you tell your current family that you’re planning on leaving, they may start the search and find someone before you find someone and then you’re stuck with no income. But you definitely should be making more with 3 kids and 2 being special needs! Even in your area.

Good luck to you!