Dealing with/hiring a caregiver for a SN child with behavioral challenges.

[Anonymous]

This is a slight modification from a post on the regular DCUM special needs board, but I would really like to get some nanny input as well.

My newly-medicated 6 year old has started to go into these hyperactive "frenzies" - for lack of a better word - around 4-5 pm each day. It's like he just can't control himself. I actually believe that he would like to control himself, although maybe I am naive? It just seems to me like he can't. Much of it is physical -crawling under the table during dinner, jumping on furniture, throwing things. It's not in anger, he is laughing the whole time and being what I would call "silly on steroids." He gets plenty of physical activity so this is not because he has been sitting still all day.

I think this is because the medicine is wearing off and it is a rebound effect. We are working on regulating the meds, but the doctor has suggested that there's no way to completely get rid of this and most families just put up with it, knowing that the behavior is controlled at school, where it is most important.

How do we as a family get through this? I am really worried that our nanny is going to just walk out, it's that bad. I have tried to get home early to help out, but I can't do that every day or even most days. We also have another child who is being subjected to this behavior and the yelling that ensues. Worse, our nanny IS leaving in February to move across the country for a boyfriend, and we are already putting feelers out for a replacement. I cannot imagine that someone would willingly enter into a job in which they have to deal with this. I can't deal with this and he is my own child.

I just don't know what to do, I am beside myself. We pay well, our nanny knows how valued and supported she is, I think we are overall great employers. That is the only thing that makes me think that maybe she will finish out her term and not just say screw it one day and leave. But a new person? No way. I would never take a job like this, no matter how much someone paid me.

What do people in my situation do?

[Anonymous]

As a nanny I would rather work for someone else. The kid might hurt himself or someone else and I would be held liable.

[Anonymous]

Get ABA therapist to help with the behaviors.

[Anonymous]

A RN trained specifically for this diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

I'm a live-in nanny with a 6 year old (undiagnosed, although moving in that direction, and so unmediated) along with two other children. We have the same behavior (and worse). There are a few things I can suggest, but it takes willingness from all the adults and kids.

Some activities help (martial arts) because there's a focus on certain movements and control. Sports like baseball, basketball and soccer help in the moment but create more issues later in the day. I highly suggest a martial arts program, specifically one geared to developing control and safety for 4-8 year olds. We are seeing so many benefits, I can't even pinpoint them all.

The parents were completely upfront about all possible issues during the hiring process. They were happy to have me speak with anyone who had worked with them previously. I've talked to all the teachers, doctor, specialists, etc. If I have any ideas, they are happy to discuss and try them if they think there's a glimmer of a possibility that it may help. They have enlisted teachers to help throughout the day with known major issues, and the school is amazing. Had they been in denial, or if they had been hiding issues, I would have walked during the trial period. If they hadn't allowed me to talk to the teachers and others, I wouldn't have put in the effort that I have, and I may have gotten frustrated enough to walk after only a month or two. But they are wonderful employers and parents, and they value what I do.

While I had some sn experience prior to this family, it's been an eye-opener. You may want to look for someone with some sn experience as an indicator of patience, creativity and dedication, but just because someone doesn't have experience with a child with similar behavior doesn't mean it won't work.

Personally, I love the rapport with the kids when I live with them. If I didn't live with this family, we wouldn't have progressed to the place we are now. However, live-in nannies come with their own issues, and if you don't have space, it won't work anyway.

One of the things we are doing (sometimes works, sometimes not as much) is delaying homework. When he gets home, there's a high-protein snack and fresh fruit, then he plays with his siblings outside, finally we go to an activity. When we get home, we do showers and dinner, and the kids choose the order for those. We only do homework after dinner and shower are done, that way he knows how much time is left until bedtime, and he knows he can have any time left after homework to play or watch television. There's fewer arguments about doing homework now, and he's also calm enough when he starts that now he feels more confident that he can do it on his own (unless it's something that requires adult help, like math facts or sight words).

No matter who is with the child, yelling only escalates the situation. When it happens when I'm working, the best thing I can do is stand between him and his siblings (blocking line of sight), keep a quiet, calm tone no matter how much I want to scream (and my face remains stoic, best I can do, I can can't smile or he thinks I'm laughing), and place my hand gently on his shoulder or chin to get his attention when I am talking to him. I am very, very careful to keep all directions reasonable, and while I can always explain why the kids need to do something, I only give explanations during moods if one of the kids asks calmly. If the current nanny is yelling at your son, she is escalating the situation. You may want to talk to her about it, or look into a new nanny asap.

I wish you luck! I love my charges, but yes, there are times I wish the kids had more self-control. But we're getting there!

[Anonymous]

You need a special needs nanny. They are more expensive but worth their weight in gold. I doubt you'll find a live in however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a special needs nanny. They are more expensive but worth their weight in gold. I doubt you'll find a live in however.

+ 1 you need a special needs nanny or a RN.

[Anonymous]

Are there different structures/situations that might help him and you wait this out? Does hte have the self-awareness to come up for a plan with you for how best to wait out these periods? I'm wondering if maybe a planned activity that's sensory-friendly (swings, a punching bag, a ball bag, a weighted blanket, etc) that you can build into a routine so that both of you know hwat to expect. It doesn't have to be that tightly guided, but enough so that you're not having to be the bad guy and he's being set up for success. An OT or a behavioral coach might be able to offer strategies for setting up routines that help you all get through htis.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

15:29, you should be paid minimum off the $100/hr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a slight modification from a post on the regular DCUM special needs board, but I would really like to get some nanny input as well.

My newly-medicated 6 year old has started to go into these hyperactive "frenzies" - for lack of a better word - around 4-5 pm each day. It's like he just can't control himself. I actually believe that he would like to control himself, although maybe I am naive? It just seems to me like he can't. Much of it is physical -crawling under the table during dinner, jumping on furniture, throwing things. It's not in anger, he is laughing the whole time and being what I would call "silly on steroids." He gets plenty of physical activity so this is not because he has been sitting still all day.

I think this is because the medicine is wearing off and it is a rebound effect. We are working on regulating the meds, but the doctor has suggested that there's no way to completely get rid of this and most families just put up with it, knowing that the behavior is controlled at school, where it is most important.

How do we as a family get through this? I am really worried that our nanny is going to just walk out, it's that bad. I have tried to get home early to help out, but I can't do that every day or even most days. We also have another child who is being subjected to this behavior and the yelling that ensues. Worse, our nanny IS leaving in February to move across the country for a boyfriend, and we are already putting feelers out for a replacement. I cannot imagine that someone would willingly enter into a job in which they have to deal with this. I can't deal with this and he is my own child.

I just don't know what to do, I am beside myself. We pay well, our nanny knows how valued and supported she is, I think we are overall great employers. That is the only thing that makes me think that maybe she will finish out her term and not just say screw it one day and leave. But a new person? No way. I would never take a job like this, no matter how much someone paid me.

What do people in my situation do?

1. I think he should be outside in the backyard, running, building, sliding, and whatever else he loves. For 1-2 hours, starting at 3:55pm (so it's not a punishment for losing control, just a what is - oops, it's 3:50pm, time to go outside! That gives him time to come in and have a high protein snack first, then head outside.

2. Do what the other nanny said. No yelling, stoic face, no laughing at his antics, no anger at his antics

3. be really, really honest when you are searching for a nanny. without that, you'll have a revolving door of nannies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:29, you should be paid minimum off the $100/hr.

I wish! Money isn't the object for me.