What would you do if you nannied for a violent child

[Anonymous]

I've been working with this family for 3 years, and started worrying about their eldest child's behavior when he was only 2 1/2 (shortly after starting.) He's tried to hit me from that age, very occasionally at first, but from the beginning he showed a lot of rage/anger that didn't seem normal and was pretty concerning. I mentioned this to the parents, but didn't feel it was my place to say much else.

Fast forward to 3 years later, and I'm at my wits end with this child and quite honestly don't understand how I'm still here. I haven't left because the pay and benefits are outstanding, the parents are lovely, and I have a great strong bond with their other two younger children. The oldest is now constantly angry, and when anyone tries to get him to do something or just makes him mad he acts out violently. He hits his brother daily, hits his parents, hits me, and hits kids at school. He's in kindergarten now but he's been to three different schools and gotten complaints of hitting and biting from every one. Every morning he screams and kicks on the floor because he doesn't want to get dressed and go to school. No matter how nicely or firmly I talk to him he reacts the same. I've tried everything. I had to physically pull him downstairs and into the van, with him trying to scratch and kick and bite me the whole time, and I hurt my arm doing it. I can't do this anymore. He calls me stupid, throws things at me, says he hates me, and says every other mean thing he can think of at this age, all over something as minor as getting dressed, or giving him a lunch he doesn't like, or me telling him for the thousandth time it's not ok to hit his brother.

The parents know full well this has been going on when I'm there and have been trying different tactics and parenting books. A few days ago I finally came out and said something to the parents again, after he attacked me again and left a visible scratch on my arm. I told them I really think he might need a professional evaluation. They apologized over and over and agreed, said they have been thinking the same thing and now that I said that they've agreed to do it thankfully.

My question is this: I know counseling isn't going to do any kind of 180 with this kid. What would you do? I was placed in this job through an agency. I've been thinking about getting back in contact with them and either asking for advice, or for them to finally place me with a new family.

[Anonymous]

You need to decide if you are willing to work with the family and help support them in trying to help this boy.

If you are done and want to move on, that is fine - and people will certainly understand.

If you stay, then you would hopefully be willing to help them implement whatever changes might be suggested.

As a parent of a boy who has similar behavioral challenges, and for whom we have sought professional advice and counseling, what is likely to happen will be behavioral modification kinds of approaches. Even if there is a diagnosis, and other interventions are recommended, it is likely that significant cognitive behavioral modification and different caregiving/parenting approaches will be recommended. You would need to be part of the team, and you need to be on the same side as the parents in implementing whatever is recommended. You would need to be open to the ideas and suggestions that are made - not decide that "counseling isn't going to do any kind of 180 with this kid".

The school will hopefully also be a resource for the family, and there may end up being an IEP that puts in place services and supports that will help.

While you're still in the thick of though, please try to reframe your thinking on this boy. He is not a bad child - he is hurting and struggling deeply. He would be good if he could. Something is wrong, he doesn't have emotional regulations skills, he feels out of control and scared and horrifically upset a lot of the time. Pain, fear, and desperation are what is behind the behavior you are seeing.

THere won't be miracles. Changing this will be slow, and will be very hard for the parents - they may feel like utter failures and I bet that it is tearing them up inside. So please have compassion for them also. Even if you leave, which is certainly understandable.

Please just try to be kind to all of them for as long as you are there.

FWIW, the single best thing we have done to help my son work through similar challenges is to completely reset our thinking and perspective along the lines I'm talking about above. It recast our relationship so we weren't fighting him - we were helping him. Start with that.

Good luck. My heart goes out to this family and I know it's a very difficult environment for you also.

I'm not excusing the behavior. It is not acceptable and needs to be dealt with. BUT, the methods that can be successful (and success is definitely possible) for managing these kinds of things are different than much of the "conventional/traditional" parenting or disciplinary wisdom we all grew up with.

The first, best thing you can do to help the boy and the family (and probably yourself also) is to reframe your perspective so that you see him, and his behavior, as a cry for help - that you try to answer w/ compassion and understanding and support.

[Anonymous]

The kid has been exhibiting issues since age 2 and in three different schools by age 5? And the parents are JUST NOW deciding to get professional help for him? Oh lord.

[Anonymous]

His parents have either spoiled him rotten, or terribly neglected him. They don't want any help for their child. So sad. I would resent these awful parents.

They have you fooled!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His parents have either spoiled him rotten, or terribly neglected him. They don't want any help for their child. So sad. I would resent these awful parents.

They have you fooled!

What a terrible assumption! Have you never worked with any child with a behavioral need?

[Anonymous]

It is time to move on. This situation will only get worse, not better.

[Anonymous]

I'm 16:14.

This is a situation where a truly skilled, professional nanny would be worth her weight in gold. This is where it makes sense to pay $25-30/hr, to look for someone w/ formal education, etc...

This may not be a job anyone on this thread is willing to take - which I could understand. But that is what really sets the professionals apart from the pack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to decide if you are willing to work with the family and help support them in trying to help this boy.

If you are done and want to move on, that is fine - and people will certainly understand.

If you stay, then you would hopefully be willing to help them implement whatever changes might be suggested.

As a parent of a boy who has similar behavioral challenges, and for whom we have sought professional advice and counseling, what is likely to happen will be behavioral modification kinds of approaches. Even if there is a diagnosis, and other interventions are recommended, it is likely that significant cognitive behavioral modification and different caregiving/parenting approaches will be recommended. You would need to be part of the team, and you need to be on the same side as the parents in implementing whatever is recommended. You would need to be open to the ideas and suggestions that are made - not decide that "counseling isn't going to do any kind of 180 with this kid".

The school will hopefully also be a resource for the family, and there may end up being an IEP that puts in place services and supports that will help.

While you're still in the thick of though, please try to reframe your thinking on this boy. He is not a bad child - he is hurting and struggling deeply. He would be good if he could. Something is wrong, he doesn't have emotional regulations skills, he feels out of control and scared and horrifically upset a lot of the time. Pain, fear, and desperation are what is behind the behavior you are seeing.

THere won't be miracles. Changing this will be slow, and will be very hard for the parents - they may feel like utter failures and I bet that it is tearing them up inside. So please have compassion for them also. Even if you leave, which is certainly understandable.

Please just try to be kind to all of them for as long as you are there.

FWIW, the single best thing we have done to help my son work through similar challenges is to completely reset our thinking and perspective along the lines I'm talking about above. It recast our relationship so we weren't fighting him - we were helping him. Start with that.

Good luck. My heart goes out to this family and I know it's a very difficult environment for you also.

I'm not excusing the behavior. It is not acceptable and needs to be dealt with. BUT, the methods that can be successful (and success is definitely possible) for managing these kinds of things are different than much of the "conventional/traditional" parenting or disciplinary wisdom we all grew up with.

The first, best thing you can do to help the boy and the family (and probably yourself also) is to reframe your perspective so that you see him, and his behavior, as a cry for help - that you try to answer w/ compassion and understanding and support.

this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His parents have either spoiled him rotten, or terribly neglected him. They don't want any help for their child. So sad. I would resent these awful parents.

They have you fooled!

What a terrible assumption! Have you never worked with any child with a behavioral need?

I actually have. Both parents were mental health professionals. Six year old pooping in his pants. He thought I would clean it up like his parents did. I pointed him to his bathroom to clean his own mess, and he never did it again. I did daily meetings with both parents to help guide them to appropriate boundaries with their child.

[Anonymous]

Poor kid, he's been so spoiled by IRRESPONSIBLE PARENTS. That brat needs to know there limit and boundaries we don't cross. The parents should get mentral health for themselves and of course thed kid. Children is the resemblance of thier parents, poor kid. They pay you well so you can stand thier spoiled brat kid.
And please nanny, quit that job, they don't deserve you.

[Anonymous]

Doctors should just prescribe him oxytocin or something similar.
He probably has ADHD, that plus spoiling thier kid= Congrats, you created a monster for society

[Anonymous]

I don't have much advice, and I don't know what I would do in your situation. I'd be inclined to try and see it through until I just couldn't anymore, I think.

i had two different nieces with behavioral problems when they were little and long story short they had their eyes checked and needed glasses. They were behaving poorly because they couldn't see! Just want to throw that out there as a possibility.

[Anonymous]

I'm a MB. This is terrible.
The parents should have addressed this a long time ago. They need to go to a doctor and a therapist with this boy, before he gets bigger and causes some real damage.

If you don't want to just outright quit, I would tell them that you can not continue to work like this.
That they need to start therapy for him by the end of October or you will have to leave.
Also, that they need to take on the morning routine for the boy and bring him to school in the meantime to
1) fully understand the boy's horrible behavior and
2) give you a break from behavior no employee should have to deal with at a job.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. I appreciate the feedback. It's painful to quit when you're so comfortable in the job otherwise (salary, the other two kids who I love, several weeks of paid vacation a year...), and it's just this one boy who's causing all the issues, but I know now it's what I have to do. It has only gotten worse since I've been here, and I'm sure it will only continue to get worse.

The parents are trying hard and are incredibly nice people, but I think that is their downfall. They are way too nice to this kid, way too permissive. His "punishments" are always long drawn out kind explanations and talking. They are always reasoning and negotiating with him as though he holds a position of authority. They will also give in to their kids after they've first told them no. Just this morning the older boy scratched and basically attacked his brother's leg in retaliation, because his brother had lightly kicked him while bouncing his leg up and down on a chair. The dad did nothing except nicely try to explain "hey, that's not your job." The older boy then said with attitude to his brother "That's what you get." And it was left at that.

I am an experienced nanny with a degree, but I'm not a child psychologist. I don't think I'm up for the task of caring for three kids under 6, plus this boy's behavioral problems, plus trying to "fix" and guide these parents to some sort of healthy parenting style. So I guess that answers my question right there.

[Anonymous]

I agree OP - you need to move on. But part of the reason is because you are sitting judgment on the parents - this is not all on the child or the employers.

The solution for this child will have to include a nanny who is on board w/ whatever approach will be used so yes, find something else.