Parenting styles matching with nanny's style

[Anonymous]

There are 4 types of parenting styles based on research.

Authoritive: setting expectations for children, allowing them to work through problems, consequences that reflect behavior whether negative or positive. Being active in your child's life beyond home. Open communication. (This has proven to be most effective for raising a member of society that will be able to contribute)

Authoritarian: very strict. More of a "because I said so" style. Little explanation of punishments. Very high expectations with little wiggle room. Riding the child

Permissive: little follow through in order to avoid conflict, never wanting to upset the child. Walking on egg shells. May redirect but not serious about it. Overlooking things. Rewarding negative behavior. No consequences given. More of a "as long as they are happy it's ok" attitude despite all else. Very free spirited

Neglective: not involved with the child outside of home. Child left to own devices often. Don't know much of child's life outside of home i.e. Barely knows teachers names, what's going on with the kid homework is unknown. Often left with caregivers or alone etc. no communication

Is it important for parents to be aware of this? Do you all feel that parents should be aware of what style they adhere to, own it and express it with future nannies to make sure the nanny has a style that matches or at least what to expect? Granted most parents would like to think they are authoritive when they may very well be other than that. A lot of times parenting styles will reflect the opposite of how the grandparents raised them. Say very authoritarian people may end up with grandchildren that have permissive parents because they are trying to compensate.

Sometimes it may be embarrassing to look at which category you fit in in order to make sure your nanny will be on the same page. But is this something that matters to you all? Parents that are very strict may not want a permissive nanny that feels as long the kid isn't killing anyone everything is fine and so forth so nanny doesn't set boundaries or expectations.

What do you all feel about this?

[Anonymous]

Op is spot on. These things matter a lot. I wouldn't waste my time with parents who every weekend were undoing my hard work with their child M-F.

[Anonymous]

I completely agree that it is important to have aligned approaches between parents and caregivers.

However, I do not think OP's outline of "the 4 parenting styles based on research" is an unbiased listing of parenting styles. There is clearly only one 'right' answer in OP's list. But the range of approaches to parenting as a whole, let alone any number of issues (feeding, sleep patterns, discipline, religion, education, etc...) is far more nuanced than this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely agree that it is important to have aligned approaches between parents and caregivers.

However, I do not think OP's outline of "the 4 parenting styles based on research" is an unbiased listing of parenting styles. There is clearly only one 'right' answer in OP's list. But the range of approaches to parenting as a whole, let alone any number of issues (feeding, sleep patterns, discipline, religion, education, etc...) is far more nuanced than this.

https://my.vanderbilt.edu/developmentalpsychologyblog/2013/12/types-of-parenting-styles-and-how-to-identify-yours/

https://www.verywell.com/types-of-parenting-styles-1095045

Please do indulge yourself and take a look. Feel free to add what the specifics are that you think are not evaluated accurately.

Not only that but the research is based on "style" overall and how it affects discipline I feel. Not such things as feeding and sleep patterns. I doubt it makes a huge difference or would cause awkwardness or strife because mb and nanny feed the child at different times everyday or because nanny always sits down or cleans up while child eats while mom does it differently. These things would be chalked up to m-f routine no different than how it would differ for a child that goes to school during the week and is used to family style lunch with teachers and classmates vs eating on a TV tray during movie time with parents at home.

The styles are very accurate from what I have experienced during my numerous years of working with many different ages in many different settings ranging from in their homes to classrooms. Even my own childhood. These ARE NOT my words but the words of the authors of articles and based on research.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I completely agree that it is important to have aligned approaches between parents and caregivers.

However, I do not think OP's outline of "the 4 parenting styles based on research" is an unbiased listing of parenting styles. There is clearly only one 'right' answer in OP's list. But the range of approaches to parenting as a whole, let alone any number of issues (feeding, sleep patterns, discipline, religion, education, etc...) is far more nuanced than this.

https://my.vanderbilt.edu/developmentalpsychologyblog/2013/12/types-of-parenting-styles-and-how-to-identify-yours/

https://www.verywell.com/types-of-parenting-styles-1095045

Please do indulge yourself and take a look. Feel free to add what the specifics are that you think are not evaluated accurately.

Not only that but the research is based on "style" overall and how it affects discipline I feel. Not such things as feeding and sleep patterns. I doubt it makes a huge difference or would cause awkwardness or strife because mb and nanny feed the child at different times everyday or because nanny always sits down or cleans up while child eats while mom does it differently. These things would be chalked up to m-f routine no different than how it would differ for a child that goes to school during the week and is used to family style lunch with teachers and classmates vs eating on a TV tray during movie time with parents at home.

The styles are very accurate from what I have experienced during my numerous years of working with many different ages in many different settings ranging from in their homes to classrooms. Even my own childhood. These ARE NOT my words but the words of the authors of articles and based on research.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP that this list is not a helpful conversation starter. There is an onvious "right" choice and no parent is going to admit that their parenting style is "Neglective" for example.

So you are welcome to judge people but if you want to have an open and honest discussion, talk to parents about:

1) books/resources that resonant with them (positive discipline adherants I would ask follow-up questions to see whether they are actually permissive vs. Super Nanny fans might lean towards authoritarian vs. Parents who talk a lot about "free range" might lean towards neglective

2) Real life examples ("How would you handle XYZ?")

3) House rules (can be VERY) telling

But every permissive parent has doled out at least a few consequences, and every authoritative parent has given a few hugs,nand every neglectful parent gives their kid SOME attention,mso parents convince themselves they are closer to the ideal than reality bears out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP that this list is not a helpful conversation starter. There is an onvious "right" choice and no parent is going to admit that their parenting style is "Neglective" for example.

So you are welcome to judge people but if you want to have an open and honest discussion, talk to parents about:

1) books/resources that resonant with them (positive discipline adherants I would ask follow-up questions to see whether they are actually permissive vs. Super Nanny fans might lean towards authoritarian vs. Parents who talk a lot about "free range" might lean towards neglective

2) Real life examples ("How would you handle XYZ?")

3) House rules (can be VERY) telling

But every permissive parent has doled out at least a few consequences, and every authoritative parent has given a few hugs,nand every neglectful parent gives their kid SOME attention,mso parents convince themselves they are closer to the ideal than reality bears out.

I see. Another defensive mb that's is probably going respond by saying that she is a nanny
I doubt you clicked on the sources and even looked into anything that was said in the OP. In my line of work I actually have asked the very questions that you mentioned. Guess what? Parents lie. And usually when working with permissive parents they know that they are not doing what they say they do and that is why it's evident in the behavior of the child.

lol I really do guess you have never been a teacher, nanny or even a center director attempting to talk to parents that witnesses a child go completely off the grid once mom or dad appears and that parent that acts as if they usually handle these things stands back and wants YOU to be the one to discipline their child as they began dirtying your freshly straightened and cleaned shelves in the classroom, directors office, or things in their home? Things they would never do when they are just with you but know it's all good once they walk in. Yes it's normal for kids to act out a bit for moms attention but when it is a regular occurrence and time and time again you notice that they are the parents that want to avoid confrontation with their child and prefer someone else do it for them despite what they SAY.

It also works the other way. Something being taken away from a child or a child constantly being sent to their room or the slightest thing and a parent feeling they are handling it but you know that the child had other reasons for doing what they did yet mom may fly off the handle without even attempting to discuss it because they are in such a hurry to discipline. Some kids actually tense up when one parent in particular comes around because they know they are expected to walk the straight and narrow and feel as though they can't just be a kid (authoritarian)

I think we can look at a lot of these threads posted here (which got me to thinking of this in the first place) and see that this is an issue. Mbs posting threads about pushover (permissive) nannies that don't know what they are doing and letting the kids run roughshod over them. Nannies posting about the kids they are practically raising and handing over to other care givers and how the kids never see their parents (neglective). It's all here.

Unless this is your line of work and you have built up years of experience with numerous situations with many different families, I don't expect you to be able to see how obvious and on point the research is. You only know what you have seen. Yes there are some variables that can be added and taken away but overall this is accurate. Please read the links.

[Anonymous]

Good list but I don't think it's that black and white. My parents are very authoritative and pushed and scolded but they didn't know a single teachers name and never went to a school meeting and didn't help with homework unless I asked and didn't know if I was doing badly until I failed and then I got yelled at. There atr blends of styles.

[Anonymous]

Why are you so defensive?!

The PP merely said that this limited list of styles is not a great conversation starter - that's why it's research and not the latest issue of US Weekly. If I come to interview for a family and ask them which of these styles mostly resembles their own, pretty much every single family would say they're authoritive, because clearly that is the most effective and positive style of parenting. I am now working for a mother who would absolutely classify herself as authoritive when in reality she is a dictionary definition of permissive.

These styles are a good tool for a nanny to see if she would be able to work well with a family, and a good tool for introspective parents to judge their parenting, but it's not something that can be used as a 'hey I'm Jane, are you a neglectful or an authoritarian type of parent' ice-breaker. The only way to find out which style of parenting a family practices is by observation (once you've been hired) or through clever questions at the interview stage (which is what the PP suggested).

No one is disputing you that these styles are well defined and exist - so take a chill pill.

[Anonymous]

5:59 here. I've been a nanny for 8 years, with 3 full-time families and 2 part-time ones in that period. I have worked with parents in every category aside from neglectful and every single one would classify themselves as authoritative, so that is not a helpful question to ask parents. The questions I listed aren't fool-proof, because yes, parents often believe that they are closer to ideal than they actually are, but if you have been doing this for a long time then you shouldn't need to spend time with the kid to see through the parents. The things they emphasize and the things they downplay, what they describe as a priority and the way they talk about their child all give pretty clear hints to someone who has btdt about what style of parenting they lean towards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are 4 types of parenting styles based on research.

Authoritive: setting expectations for children, allowing them to work through problems, consequences that reflect behavior whether negative or positive. Being active in your child's life beyond home. Open communication. (This has proven to be most effective for raising a member of society that will be able to contribute)

Authoritarian: very strict. More of a "because I said so" style. Little explanation of punishments. Very high expectations with little wiggle room. Riding the child

Permissive: little follow through in order to avoid conflict, never wanting to upset the child. Walking on egg shells. May redirect but not serious about it. Overlooking things. Rewarding negative behavior. No consequences given. More of a "as long as they are happy it's ok" attitude despite all else. Very free spirited

Neglective: not involved with the child outside of home. Child left to own devices often. Don't know much of child's life outside of home i.e. Barely knows teachers names, what's going on with the kid homework is unknown. Often left with caregivers or alone etc. no communication

Is it important for parents to be aware of this? Do you all feel that parents should be aware of what style they adhere to, own it and express it with future nannies to make sure the nanny has a style that matches or at least what to expect? Granted most parents would like to think they are authoritive when they may very well be other than that. A lot of times parenting styles will reflect the opposite of how the grandparents raised them. Say very authoritarian people may end up with grandchildren that have permissive parents because they are trying to compensate.

Sometimes it may be embarrassing to look at which category you fit in in order to make sure your nanny will be on the same page. But is this something that matters to you all? Parents that are very strict may not want a permissive nanny that feels as long the kid isn't killing anyone everything is fine and so forth so nanny doesn't set boundaries or expectations.

What do you all feel about this?

I don't think that many people would be able to describe this about themselves, accurately, to a stranger. For example, which of these styles of relating do you tend to use in your relationship with your spouse? Are you active in his life outside the home with open communication? Have very high expectations with very little explanation of why you are upset? Or do you often avoid conflict, never want to upset him? Probably some of all three, and you probably aren't a good judge of how much you do any of it.

[Anonymous]

As an MB, I definitely want my nanny to have a similar overall style.

For example, one of the nannies who we interviewed said that safety was her #1 concern as a nanny, and did not want our pets to be allowed near the baby. I'm of the opinion that bumps and scrapes are part of childhood, and knew right away it wasn't going to be a good fit.

However, there are some things that our nanny and I don't see eye to eye on, but I think it's okay for kids to be exposed to different authority figures / styles.

I have a good friend whose parenting style is extremely permissive. She is totally afraid to upset her kid and he definitely rules their house. I always think that the nanny must have such a hard job to try to correct that! But he behaves better for her, of course!