Ignoring things
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Anonymous
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Afternoon all. So I have been with my family for a few months now. They are really nice people and fair employers that pay well and treat me well. We have a good relationship. However they do have behavioral issues with ds who is about to turn 4 in a couple of months. He just refuses to listen to them. If I had to describe their relationship with their son it would be like he views them as older roommates that have no authority. He isn't like this with me and listens well when we are home or out other than usual things in that age.
I notice as we bond and get closer he is getting more comfortable with testing boundaries which can be expected. It either happens at the beginning or after a closeness has formed. I am not there a lot with them but see how he is with his parents occasionally. I do have issue with one thing though. Mb clearly ignores his disrespectful behavior and tries her best to overlook it. I agree when she ignores his acting out for attention in the background. But lately when we are having a discussion about the day or anything he will come up and began telling us, the adults to "shh" or be quiet because he is talking and he uses a very authorities tone. I acknowledge it and say no thank you, please wait we are talking etc but she does nothing? Like she believes it's normal for children to tell grown ups to stop talking. I'm wondering if this is because I'm his nanny or if she would do this with anyone. Like for instance if she is conversing with his teachers and he did it or with a neighbor or friend. It really struck me as odd that she did not tell him that it's not ok to shh adults etc. and sometimes when he begins to do what he pleases because he knows I'm leaving she just tells him to stop but never physically intervenes and so her words just go into the air like they are never said and he carries on. It's usually things I've redirected him from earlier in the day. Like eating desserts as he feels, plugging up the toaster and stuffing it with bread, climbing on things, throwing outside balls inside and knocking down items and so forth. Like he wants me to see he can do it with them. I really hate that I like them so much but at the same time I'm wondering if this delayed red flag is a good reason for me to start back looking and get out of here. |
Anonymous
| *authoritive tone |
Anonymous
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So you are seeing their parenting style, which you disagree with. The question is whether you can work in an environment where you disagree with the parents about such things.
Only you can decide that. |
Anonymous
| It's not your place to question your employer. If you can fit in then quit. Don't go criticizing the woman who pays you. |
Anonymous
Well actually I would not be questioning them, they ask for input from me and text me & give me updates on all of the misbehavior they experience when I'm not around. That has been the only way I was aware of it.. But like I said recently I've began to see some of it myself when before I didn't and we have good days. I just don't know whether it would even be helpful to flat out tell them why he is doing the things he does or move on. I don't want to have an awkward relationship with them but I suspect I would t be the first person to try to tell them. Sometimes people ask for advice but don't really want it. I probably should start looking. |
Anonymous
You must mean lack of parenting style |
Anonymous
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What is your concern here? With this level of behavior at age four, they have been struggling with this for YEARS, which tells me that their requests for advice are disingenuous. If they had any true desire to change this dynamic they would. Something about this particular kind of disfunction works for them. Maybe they feel guilty about working, maybe they believe that the bad behavior is a sign that he is "sensitive" or even "bright," maybe they like to feel that he is closer to them and this behavior makes them feel special. Whatever it is, don't plan on their changing and DO NOT offer parenting advice. They won't listen and if you hit too close to home they will turn on you.
So you need to decide whether you can be the only adult in that household. Can you continue in this job under those circumstances? |
Anonymous
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I don't think I would seek another job over this, however I can totally get how his mother's lack of action can get to you.
It would annoy me to. I used to work for a MB and as soon as she walked in the door, her kid would start demanding her attention 100% and she told me that she couldn't talk now...That we would talk later. It was irritating but I attributed to "Working Mom" guilt. It is good that you remain consistent throughout. |
Anonymous
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Does she defer to him and actually stop talking? It doesn't sound like it, it sounds like she ignores him which is a valid response and her prerogative.
You sound like yet another nanny looking for attention and creating drama around non-issues (gosh there have been a lot of you lately!). If you consider this a "red flag", you are in the wrong profession. |
Anonymous
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As long as he behaves for you, and your day goes well, I wouldn't worry about how he behaves/acts around others.
If he starts to become an uncontrollable brat around you, then it's worth discussing discipline with the parents, before you quit and find a new family. |
Anonymous
That was my thought. She might well be choosing to ignore the behavior intentionally, since the kid is inappropriately demanding attention. You might disagree, but it's not an unreasonable response. |
Anonymous
lol oh please. I am only concerned about how he acts towards me as a reflection of the negative behavior his parents allow him to have. When he tells me to shhh etc I explain to him that it's impolite, when he does it to her she says things like "ok, what is it baby?" And allows him to interrupt. I think I would know the difference. You either ignore it or correct it, but I don't find being submissive to a 4 year old a style of parenting. Or noticing it and questioning it being dramatic. YOU are the one attempting to create drama by being insulting and bringing up what other nannies do. Thank you for you unnecessary reply. |
Anonymous
Thank you. Overall I enjoy the job and have continued to see more things that raise an eyebrow when they return home or leave later in the morning. I've just chosen to view it as comedy because I'm convinced they enjoy the attention and sympathy they get from complaining about him to me and others. Their own family doesn't like to be around and the grandparents won't even sit for them. But as of right now he is responding well to my techniques. I just have to be ready to leave immediately when they come home so he won't have an audience. |
Anonymous
You failed to mention this in your OP, apologies for not being a mind reader. Did you actually come here for advice or just to bitch? |
Anonymous
I said in the op that she does NOTHING not that she ignores it, and I also stated that she acts like its normal. That's sounds nothing like me saying she ignores it. What I did mention that gets ignored is his acting out in the background for attention. Why do some of you mbs bitch at nannies first and try to start drama for no reason with nasty and snarky replies like the one you gave me then pretend you were trying to give advice because you can't take it being thrown back at you? You were ugly for no reason saying things like "another nanny looking for attention..." Telling me I'm in the wrong profession etc. and also stated its HER prerogative if she does such and such... As if it's not something that should be discussed with a nanny if that is what she was doing, which she wasn't. |