Need advice on leaving long term nanny position.
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Anonymous
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I have worked as a nanny for 10 years, and have been with my current family for nearly 4. For the first 3 years things were great, I got along well with the parents and kids and was very happy. But in the past year the jobs has morphed into a nightmare!
Initially the job was 2 kids, 5 days a week, 7 hours a day. I had a set schedule and was paid extra for additional hours. If the baby napped and I had time I would help with dishes and laundry, but it was not my job. The job was to supposed to end last fall, when youngest started preschool, but due to a change in the parents schedule i was asked to stay. I asked for a raise and was given an additional $1.50 per hour, but had to agree to take on cleaning, dishes, laundry, driving with my own car, and ridiculous flexibility. After 3 years without a raise I was really due for one anyway, even without the additional responsibilities. And I should have received an additional raise for the added work, but I was so happy to not have to look for a new job that I agreed to it. And since then everything has changed! Despite receiving a raise I am now taking home less money because my hours got cut. And even though I am working less hours and making less money, this job now seems to take up more of my time. Instead of a set schedule, I am now on call from 8am-7pm. The parents don't let me know until the night before what time I am needed the next day, and do not inform me of when they will be home. It can be anywhere from 4pm-7pm before a parent comes home, and they typically do not let me know ahead of time when they will be back and I am just stuck there until they decide to come home. This makes it impossible to schedule anything during the week. They just do not value my time anymore. And the mom is always crying poverty and tries to keep me under a certain amount of hours. So if I need to do 10+ hour shifts (without a break) in the beginning of the week, I will often be asked to come in for just 2-3 hours at the end of the week to keep my hours in check. Which might be ok if I knew at the beginning of the week and could plan to make use of the time off, but I typically am informed the night before of the cut in hours. The cleaning is so much more involved now. Instead of just doing the dishes I used, I now have a sink full of dishes left for me every morning. Occasionally helping with laundry has turned into washing, drying, folding, and putting away all of the kids laundry and bedding weekly. I am also asked to prepare dinner for not only the kids, but the parents too at least once to twice a week. Not to mention that the kids no longer nap and I have to manage to fit all of these chores in along with watching the kids. I also was naive enough to not insist on having a contract, and did not negotiate for sick or personal days, holidays, or vacation time. So if I take a day off or take a vacation I do not get paid. If they cancel on me or go on vacation I do not get paid. If it's a holiday I do not get paid. And if the kids are ill, with the flu or something else contagious, I am expected to come in and expose myself to it or take an unpaid day off. And if I get sick I have no sick days to use. The mom is still nice to my face and I think has no idea that I am unhappy, or maybe doesn't care. I have decided that it's not worth discussing my problems with her because I am just done and I do not want to stay even if she does make changes. The more I have gotten to know her, the more I feel like our personalities don't click. Her snooty attitude and constant complaining makes me cringe! Not to mention that I am now 30 and I feel like I am burned out and need a change. But I am so afraid to tell her because I know she is going to be shocked and most likely angry. She is very selfish and self absorbed and I know that she will take it personally. I plan on giving 1 months notice. I wanted to give more but I am very worried that she will make my remaining time a living hell, or will let me go earlier out of anger and spite. Has anyone else been in this situation before? How do you quit without making the parents angry?? The relationship between us is very casual, so writing a letter of resignation seems strange and awkward. |
Anonymous
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MB here.
Do you have another job to go to OP? If not, do that first. Find your next job before you leave this one - then you will have a degree of financial security no matter how your current employers react. Also, if you look for a job while you're still there you can avoid having to use this family as a reference - which makes things simpler. When you have another job lined up you can give notice. One month is very gracious and professional. Do write a written resignation letter - be equally gracious and professional in writing as you are being with the amount of notice you're providing. Be prepared for any reaction, hope for the best but plan for the worst. You cannot guarantee that the parents won't be angry - but it's not your job to manage their emotions. If they don't handle it well that's on them. Just be sure that you act in a way that you feel comfortable with, and that reflects how you want to be perceived and treated as a professional. Good luck. (And yes - get a written contract w/ your next position!) |
Anonymous
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Wow. Your boss agrees to give you a (much deserved) raise yet attaches a few strings.
That is no raise in my opinion!!!! I call it a sham!! You are being truly nickel + dimed. Does she honestly think you are stupid????!! She's so transparent she makes me ill. After pulling that on you, her true colors have emerged & they are not pretty. I wouldn't want to work for someone who could be so callous and so mean. You definitely need to give them your walking papers. Today. I have a hunch that this family will ask you to leave sooner rather than later. Make sure you have collected all monies owed to you before telling them. I advise you to tell them directly your plan, but also make sure they also receive a written notice. Perhaps write a letter to them, then keep a copy for your records. Or send an e-mail and keep that. You are making the right decision here OP!! It is good that you are taking a firm stand against shady employers!! Good for you!! 
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Anonymous
+1. Another MB here and to be honest 2 weeks notice is more than enough. Do make it all about YOU when you talk to them (it will preserve your reference hopefully). YOU need a job with more predictable hours. YOU need a job that regularly has more hours. YOUR needs have changed and it is time to move on. As the PP above stated, be gracious and professional. This isn't the time to display anger, annoyance or anything negative about the family. You can even THANK them for the wonderful 4 years and gush about how delightful the children have been to work with. 
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Anonymous
| You are being taken advantage of. Start now looking for a good new stable job. Then graciously give your 2 weeks notice, saying (fibbing) you've really enjoyed your last 4 years with the family, but it's time for you to find a stable, routine job again that is primarily childcare, which is what you are best at. |
Anonymous
| I echo what the others have said. Find another job (and you may feel renewed and refreshed as a nanny for another family) and if possible try to give yourself a week between jobs to decompress. You'll be doing yourself and the new family a favor if you can do that. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thank you all for the great advice! I feel very justified in my decision to leave now that you all have confirmed that I am being mistreated and taken advantage of. I feel so unappreciated and disrespected, and I am exhausted and emotionally drained. I don't know how things changed so much in just a year. The only explanation I can think of is that she is either resentful of having to give me a raise, or is resentful because her employer changed her 'work from home' position to a 5 day a week in office job. Maybe she is angry that I get to stay in her home with the kids while she drives to the office every day?
Sometimes I think I was crazy to agree to stay at the beginning of last fall. It would have been the perfect opportunity to leave. But then I remind myself that although I was really underpaid, I was still being treated well and wasn't ready to say goodbye to the kids or look for a new job yet. When I tell her that I am leaving I will have to remind her that as per our original agreement I wasn't even supposed to stay for this school year. And as some above had said, I am not responsible for managing their emotions. That was very well said and I will have to remember that. If she wants to be unreasonable, or get angry, I can't control that. I don't plan on saying that I am leaving because of her, and instead I'll just explain that I am getting older and my life has changed a lot in the past 4 years and I need to move on to something else. I am not worried about not having her as a reference because I have another family that I have been with for 9 years and still do one day a week with, so they will always be my best reference for any future childcare positions. Maybe I am stupid for being so considerate, but I am planning on sticking it out for the rest of the school year and telling her in June that I will be leaving at the end of the month. I feel like it will be hard to find someone who can be trusted to drive the kids now, but in the summer no driving will be required so it'll be an easier transition to another nanny. And I guess I'm also afraid that if I leave now that she will be even more angry because of not having transportation for the kids, and maybe she'll take the news better if I tell her I will stay until the end of the school year? But that also means that I will have to endure her abuse for another 2 months. |
Anonymous
| MB here. You are kind to stick it out for another two months but you should be looking for a new job now. If you find a great job, you should give 2 weeks notice and not worry about how the family will manage. They will figure out something. |
Anonymous
+1 MB here who just went through a great nanny moving away and having to find a replacement. You have already shouldered enough of the burden of making this year work out easily for the family and unless you really wanted to keep them as a reference there is no reason not to look out for yourself now. Take the time to look for a new position that will be a great fit for you, and then just give your 2 weeks notice. Don't wait - time is on your side and you should use it to improve your situation, not theirs. |
Anonymous
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OP again. I know that I should leave sooner, for my own sanity and well being, but I am really worried about her reaction if I leave her hanging just a couple of months shy of the end of the school year. I think she'll take the news badly either way, but I'm hoping that by not leaving her without transportation that she'll take the news better. And I know that I shouldn't care so much about a family that has treated me so poorly, but I would feel very guilty of I left them short handed like that. But I know that sticking it out won't be appreciated, because nothing I do ever is.
I have known for months that I wanted to leave, so these last 2 months are going to be really hard. What really made me decide that this job was no longer right for me, aside from being underpaid and taken advantage of, was an incident in December. In Nov. I wasn't feeling well and made a dr appt. I had to make it 1.5 months in advance as they didn't have sooner appts for new patients. I informed MB and she said it would be ok to come in late that day. 1.5 months later at 10am, 30 mins before my appt, I got a call from DB. Not asking for me to come in, but "telling" me that I "had to" cancel my appt and come in immediately because they had a family emergency. I did as they requested and proceeded to work 11-12 hour shifts all week, and even canceled on my 1 day a week family to work for this family. And after all of this I didn't even get a thank you!!! In fact, on thurs night I was told that I would not be needed on Friday as I had gotten too many hours in and they couldn't (or didn't want to) pay me for my regular Friday hours as well. Not to mention that I couldn't reschedule my appt for another 5 weeks and got an attitude when I told MB what day it was because it was inconvenient for her. That was really it for me. That's when it became undeniably clear that they had no appreciation for me and no respect for my life and my time. And every day since then has been a struggle because I am just so miserable. My anxiety has gotten worse and I dread coming in each day. I don't know why I have allowed myself to be so unhappy for so long, but it will be such a relief when I don't have to deal with this anymore. |
Anonymous
| Oh, and I ended up having a thyroid condition that went undiagnosed for an extra 5 weeks because I had to cancel my first appt. |
Anonymous
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OK, OP. Everyone here, employers included, has agreed that you need to leave. Continuing to stay - for months and years - in a job you know is no longer good for you is on you.
If you're done, you're done. It certainly seems as though you have been taken advantage of, however it also is clear that you are allowing that to go on and on way past what is reasonable. At this point you can't blame your thyroid condition or whatever else on anyone else but yourself. |
Anonymous
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And one more thing. After doing some research I found that nannies in my area with my level of experience typically start at $16 for two children, and recieve additional money for cleaning, laundry, driving, and meal prep. I am still making just $14.25, and I'm made to feel like I am very overpaid. And I have to listen to MB constantly complain about how broke they are, but then watch as they spend frivolously on high end clothing and housewares, and do expensive cosmetic renovations to their home. I know that they are free to do as they please with their money, but it makes me feel unappreciated and expendable when she acts like it is a burden to pay me each week, and does everything in her power to keep me under 35 hours.
And while I'm on the topic, I was promised a minimum of 32hrs, and if I have 31 in and she really doesn't need me for the last hour, she will still make me sit at her house and watch them eat dinner, or put away dishes, or do some chore that is not my responsibility for that hour if I want to be paid for it! I once had to stay for an hour while her friend and her kids came over for a play date at the end of my shift. I sat and watched as they all ate pizza and wasn't even offered any, cleaned up the kids plates, and was then told I could leave. I felt so bad about myself and felt that I must have looked like a servent to her friend. |
Anonymous
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I wasn't blaming my thyroid condition, nor am I blaming anyone but myself for staying longer than I should have. I was just mentioning the thyroid condition to further elaborate why that incident really upset me.
I know I have to leave. I am just venting at this point. It made me feel a bit of relief to be able to vent and talk about what I've been going through. |
Anonymous
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Definitely ok to vent.
Now put that energy to finding a new good job. Don't dwell on past history with the family. They are just acting in their own best interests, and they just don't mesh at all with your, so time to move on ASAP. However, since you are still employed, please take your time with the job search, and make sure you end up with a great new family, who pays you what you're worth and appreciates you. People find the best new jobs when they are currently employed. They get desperate when they are unemployed |