Child prefers nanny
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Anonymous
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Our nanny is wonderful and our kids love her but lately things have gotten out of hand. They have complete breakdowns if she isn't holding them. They ask to call her on the phone before bed and throw tantrums of they can't, if I try to hold them and she is there they just push me away. We aren't sure how healthy this is. And well it sucks for my husband and I honestly.
Also I can't help but feel like our nanny secretly love this. And she is constantly saying things like "well I could have told you x doesn't like carrots" if I say oh they hated such and such this weekend. It's Annoying and I know she means well but it's starting to feel like we are visitors in our own home |
Anonymous
| How old are the kids? How long has she been with you? How many hours per week does she work? |
Anonymous
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18 months, just turned 3 and 5.
She works 40 hrs a week m-f. No date nights or weekends. She's been with us for 2 years. |
Anonymous
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Truth of the matter, she spends majority of the kids waking time with them so she knows a lot more about them than you, this is the case with any full time nanny wit toddlers so don't feel bad in this sense.
You all spend 2-3 hours with them (cooking dinner, running bath does count) and let me guess, bed time? When you're home, it would be vital to actually do things with them because it sound like they are more so reminiscing their time with their nanny because she plays with them..Most kids regardless of the fun with their nanny still run to their parents when they get home. So she must be really good at her job! Also, sounds like she has them spoiled, why is she holding a 3 year old? Highly doubt she's holding the 5 year old, correct? Also, you have to be firm with them about not calling the nanny before bed time, you're the parent, act like it. |
Anonymous
She is with them most of their waking hours. What did you expect? She probably does know them better than you. |
Anonymous
NP. Do you have to be so snarky about it? Your answer drips with judgment for people who hire full-time nannies. If nannies actually feel this way, why the hell are they nannies? I sure as hell don't want a nanny who judges people who would hire her. That seems like a shitty setup for all. |
Anonymous
What is your observation of their relationship, OP? How would you critique her as a nanny? |
Anonymous
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Your kids want the nanny to hold them when they know she is leaving for the day, they don't want her to leave. At 18 months, 3 and 5, that's normal.
Yes, she knows things about the kids that you don't, but that's why she should be either putting it in a log or telling you. There is no reason for the kids to be calling the nanny at all. If they want to video chat with the nanny when you are on vacation, it's during her work hours and she's getting guaranteed pay, that would be fine, but they should be distracted enough during vacation to not think about it. It sounds like your kids are doing fun things with the nanny, but if all they do with you after she leaves is dinner, bath and bed, they know that the fun things are done. They young, they want to have fun and never go to bed, it's completely normal. Yes, I'm sure your nanny likes knowing that your kids love her, just like she loves them. However, there's a very, very big difference between being glad the your kids love her and delighting in your frustration. If you want to change the kids' behavior, you need to change how things are happening. You need to do more fun things with your kids in the evenings, that way they don't see the nanny leaving as the end of a good day and the start of a not so fun evening. Some parents would replace the nanny with someone new, but most parents won't do that. |
Anonymous
1. I am not a nanny. 2. I am not judging just stating the obvious. 3. You have some major guilt problems. Get some help. |
Anonymous
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I have had this problem as a nanny, here's how we resolved it.
MB, DB, and I got the kids together for a family meeting. MB told the kids that she had noticed them throwing tantrums when they weren't getting their way about calling me, seeing me, getting my cuddles, etc. MB said that throwing tantrums for any reason was unacceptable, and I verbally confirmed to the children that I disapproved of their difficult behavior. MB, DB, and I had talked privately before to see what we wanted to do so we could present a united front to the kids. We agreed that I would tell them that I was not going to be available after I left the house, and if the kids had anything they wanted to say to me or do with me they were to remember it in their heads until tomorrow, write it down, or (in the case of the youngest kid) ask a parent to write it down for them. That way they felt listened to but they weren't on the phone at all hours. It was important to me that I be the one to tell them that I would not be available to them, even though I loved them, because I didn't want MB and DB to be the bad guys in the situation. If the kids were going to get upset they could be upset with me about this. We ended the conversation by saying once more that the tantrums had to stop, no exceptions, laid out the consequences for a tantrum, and then gave them lots of hugs and cuddles and told them that we all love them VERY MUCH! Which is entirely true. Take whatever you will from my experience. All three of you love the kids, and all three of you want life to be easy for them and for you. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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She doesn't seem to spoil them she actually is a lot more firm with them then we are. And she has high expectations of all the kids.
At night we do have fun and play. We get home at 6:30 and the kids have eaten dinner, had a bath and toys and donner have picked up. Lunches packed for the morning, ect... I know our nanny does all this to encourage us to just be able to be with our kids and I love that. Bit it's not enough. We don't do a log just a text run down through out the day but little things get lost. Like how she knows how my DD likes her hair and her toys arranged or how my DS only wants to wear orange. So I look like a jerk when I lay out something sensible. |
Anonymous
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I think it is much better than the alternative OP.
At least you know she is well on point with her job. My charge always cries and holds on to me when his parents arrive home! I feel so bad for the parents because after a long day at work the last thing they want to deal with is a cranky screaming child. But they tell me it is a true blessing because it shows that I am doing an excellent job. However her comment about the carrots would definitely rub me the wrong way. How rude and clueless can one person be...???!! :0 |
Anonymous
Your answer was bitchy and completely unhelpful, and designed to try to make OP feel guilty. I have no guilt personally, just an annoying Robin Hood complex that compels me to take down douchebags on the Internet. I actually am getting help for that, because I can't stop people who are bent on making others feel bad so it's just a waste of time really. |
Anonymous
40 hours isn't most of their waking hours. There are 168 hours in a week. If the kids are sleeping 11 hours every night (from 8pm-7am), that's 77 hours/wk. 168-77=91. They probably also nap 2 hours/day. 91-14= 77. So, the nanny spends 30 hours/wk with the kids (40 - 10 that they are napping), and parents spend 47 hours/wk with the kids + vacations and holidays. Your nanny knows morning stuff about the kids, OP, because she is there in the morning. She probably doesn't know what their favorite book is to read before bed or how to wash their hair so no soap gets in their eyes or which lovey they absolutely will need on a trip to Grandma's house. And kids go through phases where they prefer one caregiver over another. I wouldn't stress about this. |
Anonymous
What are some of those high expectations your nanny has? A couple of examples, please. |