Nanny is making plansw/child without looping me in

[Anonymous]

I have a nanny for an 11 yr old, she's 19. For the most part things have gone pretty well but there have been some instances which have really gotten under my skin and I'm wondering if it'sa lack of maturity?

She does after school pickup and I instruct her to either take the child to the library to help with homework, or go to a designated activity. A few times she has made activity plans without letting me know only to tell me on payday(with the expectation that I fork over the extra money for something I did not approve).

Last night I received an email reminding me to send a lock and money with the child to school today because they were going ice skating. Which I never set up so I find it pretty irritating that instead of ASKING she TOLD me they were going ice skating as if she's the parent in this situation!

This comes after yesterday when they went to a matinee (I set this activity up) and then she kept her hanging out for an hour later instead of coming straight home.

Am I being unreasonable? Aren't most nannies supposed to do what the parent asks and not make up a schedule for the child on the fly?

[Anonymous]

You need to speak with her directly.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you don't want a nanny, you want a babysitter.

(I hate that response, but it's the truth here.)

[Anonymous]

Do you have a problem with the activities she's planning? Or do you just want her to clear them with you first? I would think her pro activity is something you want to encourage. You can phrase the conversation in that way, thanking her for planning fun activities, but let her know you'd like her to run her ideas past you first and maybe give her a weekly budget to work within? There are plenty of fun free activities they can do as well.

[Anonymous]

First, it sounds as though you were getting a little bit unnecessarily defensive about this. While I agree that her behavior needs to change, I definitely don't think that she is thinking or implying that she is more of a parent than you. It sounds to me like she is doing her best to plan fun and exciting activities for your daughter and in her mind she probably views it as going above and beyond. In fact, there would be many families who would be thrilled at this behavior! Lots of parents would be really glad to know that their kid was out having fun adventures that they did not have to go to the trouble of planning and organizing.

That said, I think that your concerns are totally valid. It sounds like there are two issues here. One is that you want to limit the spending on extra activities. The other is that you would like a little bit more control/input into what your child is doing after school.

I think that the way to handle this is to acknowledge your nanny's good intentions ("we so appreciate that you are a fun nanny who loves to create adventures and activities for our child") then, I think you explain your concerns ("we have a budget for activities, and I need you to check with me before scheduling anything that costs money"). I also think it is fair to discuss the overall policy on afterschool activities. Is your problem simply that you feel that she should be asking your permission before scheduling things? Or is the problem that you would actually be saying no to many of these given some reasoning of your own (for example are you concerned that your daughter is not getting enough time for homework or relaxing around the house or that bedtime is running late)? If this is just a matter of you wanting your nanny to ask permission first, then to me that sounds a bit like you are standing on ceremony. I think you are fine to require that your nanny notify you before she takes your daughter anywhere. It is a safety issue for you to know where they are, but if nanny has to ask permission for everything, that begins to feel as if you simply don't trust her, and you need to decide whether this is a hill you want to die on in terms of potentially driving away an otherwise good nanny. If there is a bigger issue you are concerned about in terms of how your daughter spends her time after school, then that's something you should address together with the nanny as a team ("It is important to me that Larla have enough time after school each day to relax and have unstructured free time. I would like her not to have a planned or scheduled activity more than X hours per week").

[Anonymous]

Your nanny is only 19 and your DD is 11, so it's more likely to be like sisters than a caregiver. It's a good thing if your DD and the nanny have a good enough bond that the nanny can come up with activities and know that your DD will enjoy them. If you are short on funds or you want a text if they are going to be somewhere, those are valid concerns, and your nanny should understand these. If you want to know every activity to approve it as appropriate or not, you are micromanaging your nanny and DD, and neither one will appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the PP who said you are micromanaging to approve every activity. My DC is 2 so perhaps that explains my different perspective, and we do have standard activiteis that DC does each week which don't need approval every time as they are recurring. It is also ok with me for the nanny to take DC to the library without my pre-approval (other than regular story time) provided she texts me when they leave and when they get out. Basically, if they are further away than walking distance I want to know when they left and when they return in case of an emergency and I need to get to DC quickly. It isn't micromanaging, its being a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the PP who said you are micromanaging to approve every activity. My DC is 2 so perhaps that explains my different perspective, and we do have standard activiteis that DC does each week which don't need approval every time as they are recurring. It is also ok with me for the nanny to take DC to the library without my pre-approval (other than regular story time) provided she texts me when they leave and when they get out. Basically, if they are further away than walking distance I want to know when they left and when they return in case of an emergency and I need to get to DC quickly. It isn't micromanaging, its being a parent.

NP, and I have to disagree. I don't think it is unreasonable to have activities cleared by you, at least the first time, and you should of course have a general idea where your nanny takes your kids and how they spend their day. However I feel like if you hire a nanny whose judgement you trust, who you communicate with well, and who you can get in contact with easily during the day, expecting a text when they leave and return from every little thing is micromanaging. Its something my mom did when I was 11 and staying home alone after school for the first time, not something you do to a grown woman. OP should ask for a heads up for new activities and activities that cost money, and she should be talking to her nanny about what they are doing on a daily basis.

[Anonymous]

I think it's fine to have a set of pre-approved activities, and requiring advanced approval for outside activities if the sitter expects to be reimbursed.

It's also fine for you to say that your daughter needs to come straight home to complete her homework first before going out, but personally, I'd prefer to allow some discretion for when there's less than an hour of home work to be done that evening.

[Anonymous]

Also, I'd say it sounds like your nanny & daughter have a good rapport so I think you've got yourself a keeper. Just need to clarify expectations a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine to have a set of pre-approved activities, and requiring advanced approval for outside activities if the sitter expects to be reimbursed.

It's also fine for you to say that your daughter needs to come straight home to complete her homework first before going out, but personally, I'd prefer to allow some discretion for when there's less than an hour of home work to be done that evening.

That's the difference between a sitter and a nanny. The nanny is trusted to make judgement calls which a temporary wouldn't be making. On the other hand, OP's nanny is only 19, so she doesn't have the experience that most other nannies have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the PP who said you are micromanaging to approve every activity. My DC is 2 so perhaps that explains my different perspective, and we do have standard activiteis that DC does each week which don't need approval every time as they are recurring. It is also ok with me for the nanny to take DC to the library without my pre-approval (other than regular story time) provided she texts me when they leave and when they get out. Basically, if they are further away than walking distance I want to know when they left and when they return in case of an emergency and I need to get to DC quickly. It isn't micromanaging, its being a parent.

NP, and I have to disagree. I don't think it is unreasonable to have activities cleared by you, at least the first time, and you should of course have a general idea where your nanny takes your kids and how they spend their day. However I feel like if you hire a nanny whose judgement you trust, who you communicate with well, and who you can get in contact with easily during the day, expecting a text when they leave and return from every little thing is micromanaging. Its something my mom did when I was 11 and staying home alone after school for the first time, not something you do to a grown woman. OP should ask for a heads up for new activities and activities that cost money, and she should be talking to her nanny about what they are doing on a daily basis.

That's not micromanaging for a 2 year old charge. A 2 year old has a nap schedule and needs more of a routine than an 11 year old. If you are still doing that when your child is 11 and DC is by him or herself, it's not micromanaging, because you are teaching the children to be safe and yet giving them the freedom to explore and become more independent. A nanny with an 11 year old charge is far different from either of those situations, and it is micromanaging. However, the nanny is 19, so doesn't have much experience. She might not realize that the children isn't getting enough time for homework or decompression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine to have a set of pre-approved activities, and requiring advanced approval for outside activities if the sitter expects to be reimbursed.

It's also fine for you to say that your daughter needs to come straight home to complete her homework first before going out, but personally, I'd prefer to allow some discretion for when there's less than an hour of home work to be done that evening.

That's the difference between a sitter and a nanny. The nanny is trusted to make judgement calls which a temporary wouldn't be making. On the other hand, OP's nanny is only 19, so she doesn't have the experience that most other nannies have.

If you expect your boss to foot the bill, it needs to be an activity with a de minimus cover, something already known to be NBD, or approved in advance. We leave an envelope with petty cash for things like stopped by the cafe after school, had to pay parking somewhere, or the $5 cover at music time - I just replenish when it's low. But the $40 aquarium outing + another $20 plus for parking? Yeah, I expect to hear about that before being handed receipts for a $60 outing, regardless of whether it's an experienced nanny or babysitter.

[Anonymous]

As Long as homework is being done, the activities wouldn't bother me. What would bother me (and what you need to address) is there is a lack of communication. What iF you weren't able to get a lock today? This should have been brought up before. She also shouldn't leave the reimbursement until payday. It's not professional.

You should Have Some petty cash and that covers any activities. She should budget accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Once a week on Friday's its a great idea, but M-F, I would expect them to come home and do homework except for scheduled activities. She should consult you prior to going. Why do they have to go to the library vs. home? I hope you are giving nanny money for a snack if they are not allowed in the house.