Our nanny told us she she is feeling taken advanatge of

[Anonymous]

We are not sure how to handle this. Our nanny is a very lovely girl and amazing nanny. We have been employing her since early June, for 50 hours per week. DH and I work in an industry ( both lawyers) where we occasionally have to stay late. We try to give her as much notice as possible, but we things come up and we can't always do that. I guess we are struggling with this revelation because she has never turned us down.

She works 8:30 -6:30 but we normally ask her to come at 8am on Thursdays for my meetings. Last week we got stuck late at work on Monday and until 9pm, and we went out to a show and dinner with friends on Wednesday, which she stayed until 10pm. It would be safe to say we have asked her to stay late 3-5 times a month, ( never later than 10:30) for work and personal time. We always pay OT and supply her with a paid taxi home.

Yesterday she asked for a meeting. She explained that while she doesn't mind staying on some occasions, she feels she is being taken advantage of by us, asking her work late all the time. She has never turned us down. Frankly we loved that we had her to rely on instead of bringing in a stranger who was not comfortable with him or his routine.

We love our nanny and we don't want her to feel this way but we can't cut working late all together. Help us find a happy medium here?

[Anonymous]

Tell her she can decline and find a backup sitter.

[Anonymous]

I would look for a backup babysitter. I think the long hours are getting to her. They certainly would get to me. I would still offer her babysitting gigs (first refusal) but understand that she simply may be tired after working 8.30-10.30. Also, the days you stay late matter. If I work Monday-Thursday, and you stay late on a Thursday night, I could deal with it. Other days where I'm working early the next morning, may be a problem.

[Anonymous]

Also, the hours maybe burning her out, and there might be things she'd like to accomplish after work, that she is unable too because of her changing schedule. Get a backup quickly. Every nanny family needs one.

[Anonymous]

Your nanny does sound very young. I don't think she fully grasps her ability to say "no" nor does she understand what being "taken advantage of" means. If she is agreeing to stay late and is being paid time and a half for it - then you are NOT taking advantage of her. I would explain this to her.

You do need to find a second babysitter, OP, as the job (as you described) is too much for your nanny. Cut her back to 40 hours a week (maybe four days and no evening sitting) and hire a second nanny for the fifth day and all evening work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your nanny does sound very young. I don't think she fully grasps her ability to say "no" nor does she understand what being "taken advantage of" means. If she is agreeing to stay late and is being paid time and a half for it - then you are NOT taking advantage of her. I would explain this to her.

You do need to find a second babysitter, OP, as the job (as you described) is too much for your nanny. Cut her back to 40 hours a week (maybe four days and no evening sitting) and hire a second nanny for the fifth day and all evening work.

+1 I am an MB and I agree. Plus you will be saving a lot of money not paying overtime rates with two nannies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your nanny does sound very young. I don't think she fully grasps her ability to say "no" nor does she understand what being "taken advantage of" means. If she is agreeing to stay late and is being paid time and a half for it - then you are NOT taking advantage of her. I would explain this to her.

You do need to find a second babysitter, OP, as the job (as you described) is too much for your nanny. Cut her back to 40 hours a week (maybe four days and no evening sitting) and hire a second nanny for the fifth day and all evening work.

This happens to me all the time. I never say no. But in reality I don't want to work extra. 55 hrs is enough for me. I don't tell my employers because I don't want to upset them and they have never had back up care. When I'm asked to work extra 2-3 times a week I sometimes want to scream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your nanny does sound very young. I don't think she fully grasps her ability to say "no" nor does she understand what being "taken advantage of" means. If she is agreeing to stay late and is being paid time and a half for it - then you are NOT taking advantage of her. I would explain this to her.

You do need to find a second babysitter, OP, as the job (as you described) is too much for your nanny. Cut her back to 40 hours a week (maybe four days and no evening sitting) and hire a second nanny for the fifth day and all evening work.

This happens to me all the time. I never say no. But in reality I don't want to work extra. 55 hrs is enough for me. I don't tell my employers because I don't want to upset them and they have never had back up care. When I'm asked to work extra 2-3 times a week I sometimes want to scream.

You have to learn to say "no", PP or you will have a miserable working life in any career.

[Anonymous]

I'm OP. She isn't too young - 24. She is a PT student on Saturdays. The referring to take advantage was due to us not finding a backup sitter and always asking her. We asked for Monday and she turned us down. We will try to find another sitter ( though we don't want to) beause we don't want her to resent us.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't cut her to 40 hours a week from 50 that seems punitive and an overreaction.

I would hire a backup sitter for late evenings and dates and even back up sick days.

I can understand her feeling taken advantage of. Not knowing the details of the situation or nannies side of the tale saying no isn't always an option plus the constant asking is well I can see it building up. Her feelings are her feelings.

I would not approach it as "well nanny you're wrong we aren't taking advantage of you. you always say yes, and you could say no. so we're cutting your hours."



She communicated to you very professionally. That's huge a positive!

So many would have behaved passive aggressively or gone out to find another job and quit.

I would approach it as:

Thank you for letting you know and you appreciate her professionalism on the matter.

Let her know you think she's doing a great job, you don't want her to feel taken advantage of or burnt out.

Mention you are looking for a back up sitter for times she's not available for late hours or extra sitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't cut her to 40 hours a week from 50 that seems punitive and an overreaction.

I would hire a backup sitter for late evenings and dates and even back up sick days.

I can understand her feeling taken advantage of. Not knowing the details of the situation or nannies side of the tale saying no isn't always an option plus the constant asking is well I can see it building up. Her feelings are her feelings.

I would not approach it as "well nanny you're wrong we aren't taking advantage of you. you always say yes, and you could say no. so we're cutting your hours."



She communicated to you very professionally. That's huge a positive!

So many would have behaved passive aggressively or gone out to find another job and quit.

I would approach it as:

Thank you for letting you know and you appreciate her professionalism on the matter.

Let her know you think she's doing a great job, you don't want her to feel taken advantage of or burnt out.

Mention you are looking for a back up sitter for times she's not available for late hours or extra sitting.

Where did you get that we would " cut her her hours"? We never even wrote that.

[Anonymous]

I was referring to the pp that suggested that. No need to be defensive.

[Anonymous]

I think I can relate to how your nanny feels. When I was a nanny for my first wonderful family I had trouble saying no when they asked me for late nights or weekend babysitting. They were lovely people, I enjoyed the kids, they had demanding jobs and I knew they didn't have a back up, so I wanted to be helpful to them and be available whenever they needed. They, like you, always were generous with OT pay and paid for my taxis home. But the long hours were long and were getting to me. But I just didn't have it in me to say no, which in hindsight they would have totally been okay with.

So I think it's great that your nanny was able to say what the problem is. I think perhaps 'taking advantage' is a bit of a wrong term for what she feels, but the root of the problem seems to be that she is too tired and/or unwilling to work quite so much for you. If I were you, I would start looking for a back up babysitter who could do evenings/weekends, and ask your nanny if you should not offer her extra time at all or give her the right of first refusal.

Either way it seems that you both have open lines of communication, which is important and healthy, and while her choice of words may sting a little and you may feel uncomfortable that you unwittingly made your nanny unhappy, it will pass, and you will have a happier nanny who will take better care of your kids.

[Anonymous]

You are using and taking advantage of her.

[Anonymous]

So on Monday, she stayed til 9, and Wednesday she stayed til 10:30, and had to come back in Thursday's at 8?
I can see where she's coming from. 10 hours are already long days and having to stay late several times a week with an early day thrown on can really throw you off schedule.

Is it possible that one if you guys try to be home earlier when the other has to stay late?
You should also make it a priority to give her as much notice as you can. She may have plans after work that she needs to cancel or reschedule and it's just fair to give her as much time as possible to do so. I know you said you don't always get a chance but you should really try to give more notice.