Au pair- 6 year old touched her private part
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Anonymous
| Our 6 year old boy touched the au pairs private part today (he ran past her an sort of hit/touched her front area). She is VERY upset. We have explained to him once before this was not acceptable and this time he had a time out and we took away his TV and games for a week. Not sure what else to do- and if her reaction was fair. She cried and talked about rematch. Thoughts? |
Anonymous
| I don't believe this is real. If it is, it's very weird. |
Anonymous
op here- it is very real. My son talks a lot about "boobies, tushes, peepees" etc. I think that can be normal for a young boy- but today he touched our Au Pair. Not sexually- he is only 6! He was playing and went to grab the wrong part maybe?! However her reaction was very strong- and now I am wondering if I have a really bad son (and I feel terrible), or if she is overreacting. I am very confused. |
Anonymous
| She cried . Why would she cry |
Anonymous
Op here.. I'm not sure. She said it was a very bad thing for a 6 Ur old to do, and she was so angry. She said she just felt like it was disrespectful. She talked to her mom and said her mom would have hit him, but understands we do not do that. She said everything else here is so great, but she can't deal with this because it is not normal and he should know better. I am back and forth between mad at her reaction and mad at my son. Not sure what to do, and told her if she wants rematch I want to do it soon and not in 6 months because it would be too hard on the boys, who are already attached to her after 2 months. Is this just crazy? |
Anonymous
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OP, he is six. Don't pathologize this. My son went through a period of poking my breasts, just because he knew he would get a reaction from me. Once he got that they were off-limits, he would then point to them and say, "I am not going to touch those." Awkward and uncomfortable at the time, but, as I learned from reading and asking, totally normal and a non-issue if you make it a non-issue and don't sexualize or pathologize what is just normal growing-boy curiosity (especially about something that at six is likely now "covered up" for him, indicating it's something that he shouldn't see and therefore may be interested in, not in a sexual way but in the way that the unknown is interesting).
This can turn out to be a huge thing or it can turn out to be a learning process, for the AP and for you. Start by looking at this article from American Family Physician. http://www.aafp.org/afp/2010/1115/p1233.html Look at Table 1, the list of normal behaviors, especially for six year old boys. See what's on it? Touching breasts. Read the article and see if you see any warning signs (doesn't sound like it to me from what you have said, but you may see something else there). If no warning signs, then sit with AP, explain to her that this is NORMAL behavior, tell her you're sorry it happened to her but that it is a normal part of working with children that age, and ask her to think about (but not tell you right now) if this is something she feels she can get past. Share the chart with her if it's helpful. If her English is good, you can even share the article. Then give her a couple of days to decide if she can get past it. If she can't, better to know this now and rematch, because in this case, this is a young woman who has little understanding of child development and likely won't feel able to be physically warm or close to your son (might withhold hugs, might cringe at his touch, etc - not good lessons for him). If she can get past it, then it's likely going to be a growth and bonding experience - for all of you. And of course, talk to your son about this being behavior he should not do, but don't pathologize or turn this into anything other than what it sounds like - normal, curious boy behavior that he will outgrow with loving, kind, patient cresponses that tell him not to do it because he can't touch someone there without permission, just as no one should touch him in any of a group of places without his permission (or without his parents being there to say OK, as when a doctor examines, etc). |
Anonymous
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I think you're a troll but I'll bite. Yes he's 6, and may not understand the magnitude of his actions, but you have no business being mad at your AP for this. You have no idea what she's been through, and she was sexually assaulted whether you want to admit it or not. She was violated in 1)her home 2)at her job and 3)may feel like you aren't taking it seriously enough, especially if you're angry with her for reacting. Don't blame the victim. Your son fucked up.
As far as his punishment, I think you should have involved her in it. Aside from hitting, what does she feel he deserves? He should write an apology letter(with your help) about why what he did was wrong and why he will never do it again, and present it to her. And if she wants to rematch, she should. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting that. She should feel safe and comfortable in her home, and now she obviously doesn't. |
Anonymous
All of this is well and good, but it doesn't mean AP shouldn't be upset. When someone violates you physically you are allowed to be upset. And telling her that its "okay" that he did this is not going to help. The behavior may be normal, but that doesn't make it acceptable. |
Anonymous
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I'm an AP and the 3 year old boy I look after has poked/ pinched my bum a couple of times, and also his mum's bum and boobs. He gets a time out (a couple of minutes) Obviously he is much younger.
At 6 your son should now be old enough to understand to never touch others private parts without consent, however it doesn't even sound like it was intentional, more like his hand slipped. I think your AP was overreacting. |
Anonymous
| Right, it's not acceptable behavior. And that is why this needs to be handled with patience and firmness, so the child understands he should not do it but without anyone turning him into a monster. The idea of slapping a six year old for this - as AP's mother suggested - is just so outside the bounds of an appropriate reaction that it's clear why AP is so flipped out. |
Anonymous
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Op here. Thank you for the opinions. Please understand I was not mad at out au pair, and I felt terrible, but a part of me started getting upset when she kept sayin how bad our son was and how this was not normal. I do not want to worry that something is wrong with my boy and that was why I posted here.
I know he is 6, and I know that he knows better, and thank she should have left the place with him and brought him home. I also do not think he understands that this is sexual, and has no real idea as to why private parts are private. They just are is a hard concept for a 6 year old boy. I just am not sure I should try to over comfort our au pair at this point. She seems a bit disconnected with normal behavior, and I start coming down on my kids because of it. |
Anonymous
| Just get a new Au pair. I feel bad for her and she'll be miserable with a host mom like you. Ugh |
Anonymous
Just shut up and go away if you can't be helpful. Both the kid and AP are wrong and both are young and immature and need to grow up. This is a teaching moment for both. |
Anonymous
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I am sorry that you and your AP are going through this.
My two cents is that you have to rematch. I believe your AP over reacted, but it doesn't matter, i don't see how you can rebuild the relationship between your AP and your son. It is over. Your son should be the priorty. Sorry, i know this sucks. BTW, my DD and DS, 6 and 5, are obsessed with boobs and my AP takes it in stride and tells ME it is normal, when I get concerned. Maybe you AP has some prior history, and it may be sad, but it doesn't matter. You can fix this relationship. |
Anonymous
| can't fix. |