Son is too attached to Nanny

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is jealous of the nanny because your son has spent almost all all his waking hours all his life with someone who loves him. Maybe you and your wife should take a lesson from this.

OP here,

My wife had the opportunity to stay home but she declined the job.
My job did not give opportunity to work from home but if it ever does, I will take it and spend time at home. having a baby was my idea and my wife didn't at the beginning but we agreed to have a full time Nanny. Our son knows he is loved and wanted but he has chosen to love his Nanny more than his mother.

He doesn’t love his nanny more than his mother! A kid could never make that determination and it’s as far from a choice as you can get!

Be a father to your son and do not allow your wife to fire the nanny. Simply refuse to let it happen. Grow balls and be a parent.

We have a long term contract with the Nanny. Nanny has advice us maybe it's better if our son starts pre K next year since we are in the Washington area. Nanny salary is the same regardless it's a half a day or a full. By the time he's 5 years old, he will go to full-time kindergarten and we can eliminate the nanny position. As a parents, we are not heartless and keep him away from his nanny permanently.

Are you the OP? I’m confused.

OP here,
Sorry!

You said your son was three and starting preschool? Now he’s four and starting free DC prek?!

+1. You also said your wife wants to fire the nanny.

What’s up, dude? Are you trolling? You aren’t keeping your stories straight. [/quote

OP here,

I came here for advice period. My wife is seriously thinking it's best to let the Nanny go. Because she's feeling bad about herself. I want her to think about our son feelings and how it's can upset his young life.

[Anonymous]

You’re all over the place, OP.

But the bottom line is that you know (as does every single poster) that keeping your nanny is the best choice for your son. Make that happen. The End. Your wife with thank you for it later and respect you for being strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re all over the place, OP.

But the bottom line is that you know (as does every single poster) that keeping your nanny is the best choice for your son. Make that happen. The End. Your wife with thank you for it later and respect you for being strong.

OP here,

Thank you. Nanny is staying and no more talking and thinking about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is jealous of the nanny because your son has spent almost all all his waking hours all his life with someone who loves him. Maybe you and your wife should take a lesson from this.

OP here,

My wife had the opportunity to stay home but she declined the job.
My job did not give opportunity to work from home but if it ever does, I will take it and spend time at home. having a baby was my idea and my wife didn't at the beginning but we agreed to have a full time Nanny. Our son knows he is loved and wanted but he has chosen to love his Nanny more than his mother.

Your son did not chose to love his Nanny more than his mother. Nanny has been lovingly raising him for the last three years. Do not remove her from his life. Your wife needs to spend more time with your son when Nanny is not around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is jealous of the nanny because your son has spent almost all all his waking hours all his life with someone who loves him. Maybe you and your wife should take a lesson from this.

OP here,

My wife had the opportunity to stay home but she declined the job.
My job did not give opportunity to work from home but if it ever does, I will take it and spend time at home. having a baby was my idea and my wife didn't at the beginning but we agreed to have a full time Nanny. Our son knows he is loved and wanted but he has chosen to love his Nanny more than his mother.

It makes so much more sense now after hearing this! It clearly relates back to her not really fully wanting a child and not wanting to take on a full time mom role to them. The fact that a stranger (in the beginning) could take on that FT "job" that mom didn't want and still care about the child as much as they do, feels like a big personal jab at mom's character. Like how can someone else love my child and all that time with them so much while I can't/don't? So she's taking that out on the nanny.

Unfortunately, if she doesn't have what some would consider to be the "ultimate bond" between her and her child at this point, that's unlikely to ever happen. She can come to terms that not everyone is going to have these feelings that society makes everyone believe people are supposed to have. It's OK to love your child but not be intensely bonded to them. It's OK that you'd rather work FT than be a FT SAHP. There are plenty of people that choose to be child free and have super happy lives because they don't want or need that kind of connection to children. It seems like she would have been one of those people but chose to have a child FOR YOU OP, and this is sometimes the result of those circumstances.

Best thing to do is get her therapy to let her know it's OK to feel less connection to her child, it doesn't mean she's a horrible person. Provide opportunities to have good bonding times, but understand if she takes a step back at times. Get her to realize that it's beneficial to have a nanny that loves the child and child gets more chances to feel that love from others. Find ways to build up her relationship with the nanny in a positive way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

“Full time school” at three is called DAYCARE.

A child can most definitely go to preschool full time at 3 yrs old, they can even do it at age 2.

There is a difference between daycare and preschool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

“Full time school” at three is called DAYCARE.

A child can most definitely go to preschool full time at 3 yrs old, they can even do it at age 2.

There is a difference between daycare and preschool.

Not according to preschool accreditation. A daycare can have preschool accreditation but that’s three to four hours. The rest is custodial care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is jealous of the nanny because your son has spent almost all all his waking hours all his life with someone who loves him. Maybe you and your wife should take a lesson from this.

OP here,

My wife had the opportunity to stay home but she declined the job.
My job did not give opportunity to work from home but if it ever does, I will take it and spend time at home. having a baby was my idea and my wife didn't at the beginning but we agreed to have a full time Nanny. Our son knows he is loved and wanted but he has chosen to love his Nanny more than his mother.

It makes so much more sense now after hearing this! It clearly relates back to her not really fully wanting a child and not wanting to take on a full time mom role to them. The fact that a stranger (in the beginning) could take on that FT "job" that mom didn't want and still care about the child as much as they do, feels like a big personal jab at mom's character. Like how can someone else love my child and all that time with them so much while I can't/don't? So she's taking that out on the nanny.

Unfortunately, if she doesn't have what some would consider to be the "ultimate bond" between her and her child at this point, that's unlikely to ever happen. She can come to terms that not everyone is going to have these feelings that society makes everyone believe people are supposed to have. It's OK to love your child but not be intensely bonded to them. It's OK that you'd rather work FT than be a FT SAHP. There are plenty of people that choose to be child free and have super happy lives because they don't want or need that kind of connection to children. It seems like she would have been one of those people but chose to have a child FOR YOU OP, and this is sometimes the result of those circumstances.

Best thing to do is get her therapy to let her know it's OK to feel less connection to her child, it doesn't mean she's a horrible person. Provide opportunities to have good bonding times, but understand if she takes a step back at times. Get her to realize that it's beneficial to have a nanny that loves the child and child gets more chances to feel that love from others. Find ways to build up her relationship with the nanny in a positive way.

OP here,

I love my wife. I will try my best to help her and I know motherhood was not her calling and I take full responsibility for our son. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. It means everything!

[Anonymous]

I’m glad you came to your senses, OP, and found a voice with your wife. I can’t imagine anything crueler to a child than to rip away their beloved nanny because of a mother’s insecurities.

[Anonymous]

The competition isn't against Mom/nanny it is against preschool/nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The competition isn't against Mom/nanny it is against preschool/nanny.

Huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The competition isn't against Mom/nanny it is against preschool/nanny.

Huh?

NP. PP meant that the mother is conflating issues. The child doesn't want to leave the nanny. She sees that as a competition between mom and nanny, but that's not the child's view.