AP asked for help finding "extra work"
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Anonymous
I dearly loved (and still love) my HF. They were great parents and they had the most amazing family life I ever experienced anywhere. My biggest goal in life is to raise children as great as theirs. However, they definitely left me alone with their four kids (2 to 13) for two nights - HD joining HM for a work trip (wedding anniversary). With two kids sleeping in the basement and two on the second floor, I spent the nights in the guest room on the first floor with my door open just in case something happened. With them leaving in the morning of day 1 (I started working 6.30 am, as I usually did) and not returning until the evening of day 3, I worked approximately 60 hours in a row (but hey, I got Friday off!). They also let me drive from the Westcoast (where granny & grandpa lived) to the Midwest with their then 2 year old. A three day trip (~28 hours). Alone (with a friend but no family member present).
Our first counselor quit without telling us or our HFs (and our cluster was tiny, 6 APs!). If I remember correctly two or three months into my year. I remember the first meeting (which she arranged on such short notice that only one other AP showed up, she then dumped me on said AP, telling her to take me to the movies and drive me home afterwards - I had arrived a day before, I barely knew where I lived! The other two APs who arrived with me couldn't make it that day, she couldn't have cared less) and then trying to reach out to her to no avail, multiple times. My second counselor (to be) was an exAP - kind, caring, motivated - she would have made an amazing counselor. Unfortunately, the agency eventually decided she wasn't suitable (I assume because a Canadian exAP who had married her US boyfriend at the end of her year and was now pregnant with their first child wasn't the best role model). My third counselor was a HM herself, four kids, single mom, working full time - all but one meeting were at her home. One of the APs ended up in a really crappy deal (HP got divorced, very messy divorce actually, kids went crazy, oldest (14) beat her up with a belt, held his younger sister at knife point... fun things like that), counselor recommended her to stay because of the few hours she actually worked and all the freedoms she had (designated car, nobody cared if she slept at home or not or where she spent the night... a 19 year old!). Same counselor still had all her folders shrink wrapped when somebody asked her a question about some rules. She got married and moved cross country when her AP's year was up. She was nice enough she just didn't really have the time or energy the job would have required (and how should she?). I never met the last counselor I had. None of them ever stopped by for a home visit. Strange, I thought I remembered going through five counselors within my 12-months stay. Anyhow, four or five, doesn't matter. My HF told me that the one I never got to meet was actually decent and stuck around for a while. And it wasn't even only our counselor who simply didn't care. One of my friends had rematched from a family that was horribly abusive (working 60+ hour weeks, getting yelled at constantly, basement bedroom without an egress window - in a windowless basement, that room should never have passed an inspection; the family was actually dropped from the program after her rematch and we know how rare that is) and ended up in a situation that was only slightly better. Two young children (3 and 5 maybe) and all she got was a to-do list for each week, which HAD to be completed. List said "go to the zoo"? Zoo it was. Who cared if there were tornado warnings every day for the week. She had to take them to the zoo rather than a childfriendly indoor activity. List says pool and she is on her period? Nope, can't take the kids to the pool next week when she gets better. It's on this week's list. She also had to clean all kids' toys with bleach every week. It ruined the skin on her hands. They told her to go buy gloves. No, they didn't provide them or pay for them. The problem is that different people have different reasons on why they stay with an abusive HF. The threat of not finding a better HF in rematch. The threat of not finding a new HF at all and, depending on their cultural background, possibly losing their face if they return home early. Advantages they have that might compensate for the drawbacks in their eyes (car, pay, hours).
I would even go so far as to say that a HF should not encourage or help their AP find a second job (because it's totally illegal) but PP is right, most HFs don't know (or care) what their AP does in their free time. As long as it doesn't impacty their quality of work. Neither do most counselors. What eyes don't see, the heart doesn't grieve over. Maybe the main office might care if they know.
This. And a decent HF will never be able to imagine how terrible a "terrible" HF can really be. As decent APs won't be able to imagine how terrible a terrible AP can be. Because it's so far out or their own reality. |
Anonymous
| If the long French poster is real, please post the name, or at least the city and company, where the LCC told you to ask her if you needed help while you spent four days alone with two kids (?) including a baby. I totally get that there are "shit families" and "shit LCCs" but this would be absurd, if it were true. Which I still don't think it is. |
Anonymous
I am the HM from 13:08. Wow good to know. But what you say makes sense to me. I know some HMs who travelled and left AP with kids plus grandma or another form of help (this is something I could do when the kids are older). My previous AP told me she stayed with her previous host kids alone for a few days but she got pay extra and the kids were older. In any case you are right they are crappy HMs and APs. As for Counselor/LCC, were you with CC? The only crappy LCC I have encountered were with CC, they have to get more HF/APs to get more money. I am currently with APC and Counselor is a full time job. Mine is really great and respond to email immediately. She had told me that if she doesn't respond to an email within 24h, i.e. she didn't see it and I should call her! |
Anonymous
OP here and thank you for this excellent perspective! Our AP told me on a Friday evening she wanted to take 2 classes, stayed overnight with a former AP now a student and got some ideas about second job possibilities, and the. Did an about face on the classes to ask for help finding other work. I think she is doing her best to work out what her options are and I hope to help with that within the limits of the program. Having said that, I think your post really underscores how important it is to make your AP feel appreciated and how the stipend may not be enough in certain areas where cost of living is high. |
Anonymous
I am with a smaller Au pair agency (so not CC or APC), and I live in a pretty overpriced city in northern California. Not sure how knowing the agency and city I live in helps make it more real? As I could just lie about it. The family has one kid, the baby, I do think she would have kicked a fuss, if I did throw a fit and sparked her into action. But as you would guess it's hard to be confrontational when you live with your boss and want to keep the peace, so I was hoping she would be appalled on my behalf and just tell me "it's illegal, you cannot work 4 days straight without break and stay alone with the baby" (I actually didn't have a break in two weeks because it was over a long weekend so I lost my 1 day & half off and worked two weeks in a row without weekend break) and would call them and tell them that wasn't in the spirit of the program and that they would need to find alternative care to cover the times that were going to be over my 45 hours limit. But like I say she is lazy and I probably didn't look as outraged as I was as I was pretty new (2 months in) and was trying to be gracious. As families aren't entirely black and white and mine is the type who will screw me up with the schedule and ask endless favours for free but also will be nice/understanding/helpful in other aspects. And like another poster have said families leaving kids with Au pairs for a few days so they can get away is a pretty common occurrence. |
Anonymous
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My husband and I both travel frequently, sometimes at the same time (and rarely together) and we have NEVER left one of our au pairs alone with our kids for even one overnight. We always hire a babysitter to do the overnights, or have grandma stay if she's available.
The one thing we do *rarely* fudge in the rules is the 1.5 consecutive days off, but it's a rare occurrence and our au pairs work well under 45 hours. Since that isn't a State Dept rule and not all agencies do this it seems like less of an issue, and we always check with our au pairs and try to give them extra time off that week. It's usually when we have something going on on a Saturday evening and need their help but we give as much other time off as we can. Typically our au pairs ONLY work afternoons, and we usually can give one full weekday off midweek, but then they may work 6-7 hours the next day. |
Anonymous
| Add me to the list of people who just don't believe that any counselor would allow any of this to happen.... |
Anonymous
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I find it funny that so many host parents don't believe it happens, when so many of you confirm that they have had terrible Au Pairs who should have been sent home but got to rematch with a rematch file stating reasons that had nothing to do with the reality of things.
If agencies let Au pairs who pay very little rematch despite being terrible you really think they will kick a family out that bring them thousands? |
Anonymous
I know several people who pay more - it’s because it’s whats right. I hope you don’t pay the exact amount, at least? |
Anonymous
Do not fall into this troll trap. Many, many, many host moms pay the exact stipend. We use 20 hours/week meaning our AP makes more than min wage AND gets room and board. |
Anonymous
Your two posts are saying the same thing. Lots of families pay more. Many pay the exact stipend. Many families use different numbers of hours. |
Anonymous
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Dear OP -
I have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy (although I've mentioned to a few neighbors that my current AP would like to dog-sit or cat-sit on the side). |