Thinking of hiring Au Pair but worried because husband works from home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No smart woman leaves her husband home with another female for 8 hrs every day.

Sorry, I agree. I cringe when a friend says her husband "would never cheat." I tend to assume most men (in particular) would eventually cheat if given the opportunity and a good chance of not getting caught. Even if 20-something girls aren't generally interested in 40-something, plenty are lonely and/or interested in testing boundaries or experimenting.

Or maybe that was just me!

[Anonymous]

If you have to worry about your husband cheating...then something is up in your marriage and you should explore that thru therapy. Blaming an AP for being "bait" for your husband just tells me there's insecurity and you need to wait on the AP.

There are so many families that have successful years with au pairs. The % of those that this happens to has to be super low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have to worry about your husband cheating...then something is up in your marriage and you should explore that thru therapy. Blaming an AP for being "bait" for your husband just tells me there's insecurity and you need to wait on the AP.

There are so many families that have successful years with au pairs. The % of those that this happens to has to be super low.

Most AP moms in fact do not leave their husbands at home all day, and every day with an au pair. You're sounding a bit naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would also be more worried about her work load than the sexual predatory possibilities.

Find an ap with heavy baby experience. Go with APIA, APC or EurAuPair... agencies that have speciality au pairs with more experience. Also...an agency called Pro Au Pair has more expensive ones that are guaranteed to have more baby experience. If I had a newborn and toddler...I would highly consider them. But I have school aged kids and that would be overkill for me.

Don't let the nannies on here discourage you. Many of my other host mom friends have been successful with au pairs and your setup. Interview and screen carefully.

I actually would not advise buying into the APC (or other agencies' - though I only have experience with APC) "infant specialized" programs. You pay more not for more actual infant experience, but for the AP to attend an extra day of training, which they will not understand very well, and will not remember (the training is basically to teach them infant sign language and infant massage; if you want the AP to do those things with your baby, you can show them yourself when the time comes). I don't know who would not spend several days training a new AP (or nanny for that matter) in their home when they start caring for their young children. We certainly do; so I don't need APC to do it for me, when I don't know what their training consists of exactly anyway. It certainly isn't tailored to my baby or my home.

The State Department requires that all APs from any agency who will be in a home with an infant have at least 200 hours of documented infant experience (whether the agency designates them "infant specialized" or not). Of course, this could all be made-up experience, but it is the State Department's attempt at some baseline for APs who will care for babies.

We have had APs care for our infant and toddler. Our first ended in rematch, for the reasons another poster described: this person was just overwhelmed with the arduous task of caring for two small children 5 days a week (she had never had any sort of full time job before, let alone what I believe is the hardest job ever - caring for more than one baby or toddler at a time). We were newbies and went about the selection process all wrong. But the AP we got out of re-match after that was EXCELLENT with our baby and toddler, and she was not "infant specialized."

In my experience, though, it is the toddler and not the infant that makes this situation the most difficult (infant + toddler at home all day). Infant care, though it must be taught, is fairly straightforward: feed, diaper, nap, engage in various soothing methods, simple play. I truly believe any AP could be taught to provide competent infant care. Toddlers require a willingness to try to understand and work with the toddler psychology - which can try anyone's patience. So I believe that if you have an AP who is not constitutionally prepared to deal with a toddler, and isn't willing/able to learn, that is where the problems come in - whether there is an infant in the picture or not. Same for a nanny. Some nannies are excellent with babies, but can't keep up when the kids become toddlers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have to worry about your husband cheating...then something is up in your marriage and you should explore that thru therapy. Blaming an AP for being "bait" for your husband just tells me there's insecurity and you need to wait on the AP.

There are so many families that have successful years with au pairs. The % of those that this happens to has to be super low.

Most AP moms in fact do not leave their husbands at home all day, and every day with an au pair. You're sounding a bit naive.

I agree with the posters who have pointed out that a husband+AP-at-home-all-day situation is only worrisome from a cheating perspective if that is generally a problem in the marriage (or has the potential to be). I have no qualms with my work-at-home-husband being home all day with our APs.

The more realistic problems with this situation arise because of the dynamic that is created when any parent (male or female) is home all day with the AP; you have to establish boundaries and protocols so that the AP can properly do her job. Kids tend to behave differently when their parents are around, or when they know they can run to their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have to worry about your husband cheating...then something is up in your marriage and you should explore that thru therapy. Blaming an AP for being "bait" for your husband just tells me there's insecurity and you need to wait on the AP.

There are so many families that have successful years with au pairs. The % of those that this happens to has to be super low.

Most AP moms in fact do not leave their husbands at home all day, and every day with an au pair. You're sounding a bit naive.

I agree with the posters who have pointed out that a husband+AP-at-home-all-day situation is only worrisome from a cheating perspective if that is generally a problem in the marriage (or has the potential to be). I have no qualms with my work-at-home-husband being home all day with our APs.

The more realistic problems with this situation arise because of the dynamic that is created when any parent (male or female) is home all day with the AP; you have to establish boundaries and protocols so that the AP can properly do her job. Kids tend to behave differently when their parents are around, or when they know they can run to their parents.

Good for you. Not every wife is as fortunate as you.
And yes, the boundary issue is a huge problem, and the most common reason for failure of these set-ups.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you can turn this issue around and consider hiring an AP for both you and your husband to enjoy?

[Anonymous]

I'll be honest. I gave this some consideration before we got AP #1. Look, I love my husband and trust him, but waving a gorgeous international supermodel in front of him seven days a week in our own home seemed ... stupid.

I ended up with a six foot tall blonde German au pair who is sporty and pretty and nice. But I will totally admit that I declined several APs that I felt were too damn gorgeous. I'm not ugly but I have had two children and I'm in my 30's. I don't want competition in my own house.

I am not saying that an AP would ever come on to DH. I seriously doubt a 19 year old teenager is going to be attracted to my 34 year old married husband and father of two. But still.

[Anonymous]

22:54 here. Sorry, hit post too quickly. I should add that DH works from home more than he works from the HQ office. Anywhere from 2-4 days per week at home.

[Anonymous]

Prospective host husband here. 22:54, you and my wife share the same concerns. I agree with other posters who say that its the marriage that's in trouble if your chief concern is infidelity. If your DH is anything like me, there's no hot chick that he would bang in exchange for throwing his life away. Period. How often does this happen, anyway? Makes for a great fantasy, sure, but in reality it's probably a unicorn-sighting frequency event.

[Anonymous]

Get a male AP. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

if you're concerned about your husband straying perhaps you shouldn't have kids with him ... or even marry him

[Anonymous]

you're embarrassing to MBs and au pairs OP

[Anonymous]

I'm 22:54. The thing is, there's a difference between what I intellectually know is true and what I emotionally feel. DH and I have been together 15 years. He's never, ever given me a single moment's doubt. I'm in the happiest marriage of anyone I know and he's a freaking saint. I don't think for ONE SECOND that he would behave inappropriately toward the au pair. I don't think he would throw his life away, as you say. But emotionally? I would just as soon not hire the hottest, thinnest, most charming 19 year old on the planet who is all grabby-hands to come live in my house for a year. I get it, it's my insecurity and I should grow up. But there are far too many other choices in an au pair match... I can skip the ones that make me feel like crap just by looking at them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you commit to a foreign babysitter who you never really meet, to be responsible for a toddler and an infant?

This. Don't be stupid, OP. Louise Woodward. Was that her name? Two rich physician parents hired a British au pair and look what they got.