Nanny using negative language around infants

[Anonymous]

Lately our otherwise well performing nanny has been using negative language directed at our infants. She will say one baby is "lazy and spoiled" because he wants to be picked up and played with and doesn't hold his bottle on his own. She told my husband that my daughter had a temper because she was crying for more milk rather than explaining that maybe my daughter needed more milk and food and asking us to bring these items. I think that this might be a cultural thing as she is very loving to both children and obviously cares about them a lot. They both love her and respond to her positively. In fact, my daughter's first word was her name!

As the babies are getting older, I want to be strengths based and positive. Rather than tell my daughter, "quit your whining", I'd prefer she say, "Susie that is Johnny's bottle. You have your own bottle." Rather than say the other baby is "lazy or spoiled" she might point out how she is trying to get him more comfortable entertaining himself or helping him with holding a bottle. I mean, he is just an infant and not really the age to hold bottles yet.

I want to have a conversation with her about her use of language. English is her second language but she has lived in DC for over two decades. I don't want to confuse her as I genuinely think she is joking and it is a communication issue, not malice or harm. What would you say so that it was clear this type of talk and use of negative and shame based language isn't acceptable? As the babies get older, I worry about discipline issues and language.

[Anonymous]

"Nanny, Can we talk about something? I want you to know how much we value the care you give the babies. I feel so good knowing that I can leave them in your safe loving care. I need to ask you to make one change though - we would prefer that you not make the joking comments about being lazy and spoiled, or having a temper because they're crying in hunger, etc... I know you are kidding, and don't really think that they are lazy or throwing temper tantrums but I just don't like hearing those kinds of negative words used to describe them. Ok?"

That starts it. Then every time she makes a comment that you don't like (assume it's a joking thing, not a serious slam of the infant) you counter with "Oh no, you're not lazy - you're a baby - of course you can't hold your bottle yet!" lightly, and with humor. Hopefully she'll get the message. If not, then you reiterate the conversation. "Nanny, you may think this is silly, but we care about this issue and do not want our kids described this way - even in fun."

You'll have to see if this is something you all can work out over time. I can see how this might be an issue 2 and 3 years from now when you really are dealing with actual tantrums etc... (Especially with twins - my b/g twins are 3 and the tantrums, power struggles, attention demanding behaviors are no joke at all!)

Good luck.

Also, FWIW, I don't think this is a silly or trivial issue. Language matters even more as the kids become verbal.

[Anonymous]

PP said it perfectly! I have nothing else to add except to say you should do, word for word, what PP said.

[Anonymous]

I call the children I nanny for monsters all the time. What I want to say is little shit head but monster comes out. I've never had a parent care some even start to use the term along with me. It's all in good fun and it's used to describe a toddler not like a 4 or 5 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I call the children I nanny for monsters all the time. What I want to say is little shit head but monster comes out. I've never had a parent care some even start to use the term along with me. It's all in good fun and it's used to describe a toddler not like a 4 or 5 year old.

Then you have no business being a nanny for toddlers.

[Anonymous]

If English is her second language, then it will be tough for her to always know ahead of time what will be offensive for you and what will not be.

Also, you sound to me like you are simply micromanaging her.

If this is the worst thing you can find wrong with your nanny, then count your blessings.

You did say she loves your kids. And that has to count for something here right??!!

[Anonymous]

I think this is a translation issue and you're going to cause a lot of damage by bringing it up. She's not going to understand the nuances of what's Ok and what's not and may just stop talking much altogether. I would (not necessarily to the kids but to you. You'd get a very perfunctory report with minimal extraneous talking.) when I had an MB micromanage everything that came out of my mouth, stuff far more tame than what your nanny said, and twist it around to mean the opposite of the context, she started getting the bare minimum reporting from me, then bitched about that. Tread carefully and pick your battles wisely. If she's loving and cares for the kids, let it go. Don't let this be the hill you die on.

[Anonymous]

Here's what I would do
"So nanny. I wanted to let you know that as the kids are starting to use more words and are becoming little parrots my husband and I have been really trying to change how we speak to them. Making sure we are using kid friendly language. Just thought id let you know so we can all be aware of our word choices around the kids! My husband had a saliors mouth so we are trying to make sure we are using positive instead if negitive language! Would you help us enforce that change? "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call the children I nanny for monsters all the time. What I want to say is little shit head but monster comes out. I've never had a parent care some even start to use the term along with me. It's all in good fun and it's used to describe a toddler not like a 4 or 5 year old.

Then you have no business being a nanny for toddlers.

NP but I also refer to my charges as little monsters or stinkers. Kids can be frustrating. People who are good at dealing with it don't pretend they are perfect, but they find a way to curb their frustration. I love my charges dearly and have cared for them since they were newborns. They are now in the thick of frustrating preschooler behavior and frequently behave like little stinkers. Doesn't mean I don't love them, and it doesn't mean I shouldn't be a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call the children I nanny for monsters all the time. What I want to say is little shit head but monster comes out. I've never had a parent care some even start to use the term along with me. It's all in good fun and it's used to describe a toddler not like a 4 or 5 year old.

Then you have no business being a nanny for toddlers.

NP but I also refer to my charges as little monsters or stinkers. Kids can be frustrating. People who are good at dealing with it don't pretend they are perfect, but they find a way to curb their frustration. I love my charges dearly and have cared for them since they were newborns. They are now in the thick of frustrating preschooler behavior and frequently behave like little stinkers. Doesn't mean I don't love them, and it doesn't mean I shouldn't be a nanny.

I'm the PP you quoted. What you are saying is not what I was referring to. I jokingly call my own kids little monsters sometimes as well but I have never wanted to say "little shit head." That's what I was referring to. If you feel like a toddler is being a "shit head" then you don't know anything about toddlers and shouldn't be a nanny. "Little monsters" or "stinkers" could be lovingly said, "little shit head" cannot.

[Anonymous]

Well I'm sure I'll be flamed for this, but...

OP, how long do you plan to keep her? I think there is a lot of damage in children hearing themselves described that way as they get old enough to understand. Heck, I'm so fussy about how I talk in front of kids I jump through linguistic hoops to avoid using the word "no." I use positive framing, redirection, and praise effort rather than final product, etc - it sounds like this is the perspective you're coming from? (I know it's what I would want for my own kids.) If so, I think you need to find a nanny who speaks English as a native language (and probably one who has either a lot of nannying experience or has worked as an educator - you've been through tons of training on how to speak to kids if you're a trained teacher) or let this issue go.

I think if you speak to your nanny about this she will be confused, hurt, and won't really understand how to shift her words. You could say something about not wanting to label kids - so, Dylan was feeling lazy today rather than Dylan is lazy or Mary needed a lot of extra attention today rather than Mary is spoiled - and that would probably deal with the current issue, but I don't think she'll align with your bigger-picture and long-term preferences 100%. You have to decide if/when it becomes a deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lately our otherwise well performing nanny has been using negative language directed at our infants. She will say one baby is "lazy and spoiled" because he wants to be picked up and played with and doesn't hold his bottle on his own. She told my husband that my daughter had a temper because she was crying for more milk rather than explaining that maybe my daughter needed more milk and food and asking us to bring these items. I think that this might be a cultural thing as she is very loving to both children and obviously cares about them a lot. They both love her and respond to her positively. In fact, my daughter's first word was her name!

As the babies are getting older, I want to be strengths based and positive. Rather than tell my daughter, "quit your whining", I'd prefer she say, "Susie that is Johnny's bottle. You have your own bottle." Rather than say the other baby is "lazy or spoiled" she might point out how she is trying to get him more comfortable entertaining himself or helping him with holding a bottle. I mean, he is just an infant and not really the age to hold bottles yet.

I want to have a conversation with her about her use of language. English is her second language but she has lived in DC for over two decades. I don't want to confuse her as I genuinely think she is joking and it is a communication issue, not malice or harm. What would you say so that it was clear this type of talk and use of negative and shame based language isn't acceptable? As the babies get older, I worry about discipline issues and language.

frankly, I would look for another nanny . I doubt she is joking, the sad truth is that there are people who think infants are spoiled and lazy and manipulators who should be set straight and so on. your nanny is probably a good person who loves children but I would not like to get my children cared for by her. she does not seem to understand how infants and toddlers work, and the bext way to help hem grow and develop as much as possible into happy and confident kids. words like these told daily to babies and toddlers may have an effect even worse that one wrong word said once when you are angry, they can undermine their self estime and confidence, especially when the nanny seem to expect a behavior that is well beyond the babies' age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I call the children I nanny for monsters all the time. What I want to say is little shit head but monster comes out. I've never had a parent care some even start to use the term along with me. It's all in good fun and it's used to describe a toddler not like a 4 or 5 year old.

ok, dear shit head, since it is so beautiful outside, why don't you put your keyboard or phone down and go play outside instead of trolling here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lately our otherwise well performing nanny has been using negative language directed at our infants. She will say one baby is "lazy and spoiled" because he wants to be picked up and played with and doesn't hold his bottle on his own. She told my husband that my daughter had a temper because she was crying for more milk rather than explaining that maybe my daughter needed more milk and food and asking us to bring these items. I think that this might be a cultural thing as she is very loving to both children and obviously cares about them a lot. They both love her and respond to her positively. In fact, my daughter's first word was her name!

As the babies are getting older, I want to be strengths based and positive. Rather than tell my daughter, "quit your whining", I'd prefer she say, "Susie that is Johnny's bottle. You have your own bottle." Rather than say the other baby is "lazy or spoiled" she might point out how she is trying to get him more comfortable entertaining himself or helping him with holding a bottle. I mean, he is just an infant and not really the age to hold bottles yet.

I want to have a conversation with her about her use of language. English is her second language but she has lived in DC for over two decades. I don't want to confuse her as I genuinely think she is joking and it is a communication issue, not malice or harm. What would you say so that it was clear this type of talk and use of negative and shame based language isn't acceptable? As the babies get older, I worry about discipline issues and language.

frankly, I would look for another nanny . I doubt she is joking, the sad truth is that there are people who think infants are spoiled and lazy and manipulators who should be set straight and so on. your nanny is probably a good person who loves children but I would not like to get my children cared for by her. she does not seem to understand how infants and toddlers work, and the bext way to help hem grow and develop as much as possible into happy and confident kids. words like these told daily to babies and toddlers may have an effect even worse that one wrong word said once when you are angry, they can undermine their self estime and confidence, especially when the nanny seem to expect a behavior that is well beyond the babies' age.

Yeah unfortunately I agree with the PP about the bad effects of the negative language (and expectations) What you are asking for is totally reasonable, OP. It may be difficult for her to understand though.
You could try to have a totally informal friendly conversation about the words, expecting infant to hold bottle, etc. you can see , if it is a language or other issue with her.... But definitely keep a super close eye on it.

[Anonymous]

I talked to the nanny about the use of language. I talked about how in my culture, we joke a lot and how I know how much she loves Susie and Johnny. I know she loves them as I hear her playing and saying "I love you" and she always is so happy to be around them. I also see how hard she works to take good care of them. Two infants is a lot of work! I said, "in my culture, we joke a lot. I noticed you said Susie was whining. What did you mean by that?" She said that she was just frustrated that Susie was trying to take Johnny's food. I explained to her that my husband and I had very critical parents as children and how language plays out as kids develop. I explained how saying someone is "lazy and spoiled" is negative. She told me she was just joking. I really do believe her. I have noticed her not using those words anymore.